mo12

JJ, sorry you're dealing with the same thing, but it does help to know people here get it. In my "real life", people don't get it at all- they see me doing all the things I'm supposed to be doing and think that I'm fine. We'll never stop missing them, we'll never "get over it"... but I do think we'll find "life" again...

Thanks all. Yes, "going through the motions," that's exactly it.

Thanks ladies! Haha, it's true, never had a carrot emergency:)

So I know this topic has come up before but I don't remember the conversation, I guess because I wasn't at this point yet. I'm 16 months out and I feel like I'm doing well all things considered. Taking care of my daughter, getting to work, even enjoying much of my time. But, the person I feel closest too in the whole world, the only person I feel really knew me, is dead. He's on the "other side." I remember the awful, physically painful feeling of desperate grief in the early days/ months, where I felt literally torn between the living world and the "after," not sure where I would end up. This is not that. This is more of a strange feeling like it doesn't matter if I die, since that's where my other life is. I'm not suicidal and not even depressed (anymore), and I'm not one of those people who are able to "communicate" with the dead, nor am I religious, but I feel a connection to the "other side" that sometimes feels much stronger than my connection to my life. I don't relate fully to many people anymore. Is this coming out sounding totally weird?

The SIX MONTH SUCK. It is awful. Around 6 months is when I was the most physically ill. Not eating or sleeping. I wanted to kill people I hardly knew who saw me around town and said I looked "good..." What the hell? Cause I can hardly eat, just forcing myself to get enough calories to nurse my baby? WTF? Every day I felt numb, horrified, panicked, angry, sad, and nothing... all at the same time. It was shortly after that, around 8 months that I went on anti-depressants, which is really neither here nor there, but 6 months was sort of my rock-bottom. You aren't alone. Day by day.

Did you say you had a baby two weeks ago?? Girl, it is a crazy time. You need to be able to function and the fog helps with that. Reality has a way of coming around- it's true that at some point you need to wade through the grief, but you don't have to do it all at once. What helped me (somewhat) when I was dealing with a new baby and overwhelming grief was to practice feeling in short spurts without "going down the rabbit hole" (the nasty spiral of thinking about the future, thoughts of hopelessness, trying to make it all make sense... it doesn't make sense, it just doesn't.) Feeling is good, but thinking too much can be just too overwhelming. Another thing that helped was to talk to DH, out loud and writing... I wrote entire journals full. A wonderful grief counselor told me early on that our bodies know what to do, know how to get through grief, we just have to allow ourselved to feel it and know that it will lighten in time. Once my little one was a bit bigger and I had more help I felt more free to really let myself grieve. Not sure if this is all making sense... so please ask for clarification and I'll try! It was many months for me before I could feel the grief and have a good cry without becoming so depressed I couldn't function. But it does happen, it will become not so scary, the memories of him will be welcome and not as painful. You also don't have to do it alone... a grief counsellor, posting here, crying with friends- it can help to feel safe when you let yourself "go there."

"Well my Mom takes me camping, hiking and fishing all the time anyway...if we went to that church she would be my Dad and go. She could out camp most guys anyway" What an awesome mom!

I can't go anywhere because the little is in bed. And I should have known to stock up on wine! Not being able to sneak out for a break/ groceries/ whatever after they're in bed.. one of those things that's hard about being a solo parent. I've been missing DH and our life together a lot the past week (well, always, but have been doing reasonably well lately) but sometimes these little things just sneak up on me and remind me he's not coming back. He was a good one. Plus, I could just really use a glass of wine!!

Seems like you know what you need. The status quo isn't working- is there perhaps a third option apart from status quo vs. England? You have always come across as smart and having your head on straight... maybe just discussing it with a friend or two (and us, here!) will help you see what you already know. Wishing you the best in the next steps.

We're on a similar timeline. I've also being feeling the grief a lot recently... Crying often... this morning I cried in the shower (I find this handy since I seem to drool a lot when I grief-cry? who knew!) and I find myself purposefully listening to songs I know will make me cry, I think I am just trying to feel closer to him again somehow. I spent about 6 months after he died in the depths of grief and barely able to function- this isn't that at all, but heading into the second year brings its own challenges, and of course it's different for everyone. Not sure what my point is except I hear ya! Be gentle with yourself, we're all pulling for you.

Would be great to meet you all! Wheelerswife, I am away all summer with my daughter to our "other home" (where we lived until last fall, where I lived with DH) in the Interior of BC so I won't be on the coast at all in July and August... but perhaps others are around, post away! I was thinking probably a weekend end of September or sometime in Oct or Nov.

Definitely kid friendly (mine is 18 mos)... although hopefully also some wine involved at some point:) Would be great to meet you!

I know there are other west coasters out there! Anyone interested in a weekend this fall in Vancouver or Victoria? I'm in Victoria and happy to host some hiking/ sightseeing/ hanging out... I still have yet to meet ANY young widows in the area!

Silwe, I feel the same. Not uncommonly other moms assume I have a partner, and I find myself saying "It's just me and (DD)" ... so of course they then assume I'm separated but the conversation usually doesn't go further than that. I hate for them to assume that he left us, but I just don't want to go there. Once, one asked if I "get any help from her dad" and I blurted out "no, he died." That was the end of that conversation! The other day someone asked what my husband does for work and I told them... not mentioning he hasn't worked in over a year cause he's DEAD! And yes, the macabre comes out a bit after some wine! I went to my counsellor the other day for the first time in months and mention this to her (the not being forthcoming about being a widow), she said it's all part of the adjustment/ "acceptance" process...

Thanks Kealoha. Yes, I need to take a step back and remember what's most important for her. I don't want to choose the first place that comes along just because it's stressful to be looking for a place. I don't know your story but I wish you the best- the early widow fog sucks sucks sucks. I haven't used the messaging on this site yet but I did on the old one- send me a message anytime.

I'm dealing with having to move again at the end of June. The landlord of the place we're renting wants to do major renos so has given all the tenants notice. Actually we don't really have to leave this place until the fall, but I plan on going home (back to the home I shared with DH) for the summer to see friends and get some work done on the house since the current renters are moving out... so it doesn't make sense to pay rent all summer if we're going to be away then have to move as soon as we get back. Along for the ride is my 16 month old daughter. I still want to stay in my hometown for at least another year, maybe longer- my parents are here and they help out. But my new/old city (my hometown that I moved back to after DH died) is horribly competitive rental market. When we first moved back it was super stressful to find a place- everything's so expensive, no one seems to want to rent to families/ a single mom, and having lost my pretty damn near perfect life/ husband/ home, it sucked. Ideally I find another place in the neighbourhood- DD's daycare is nearby, and my work isn't far either. But what if I can't find a place in the neighbourhood? Do I try to get DD into a different daycare (usually long waitlists, so might be a useless endeavour) or drive the extra distance to keep her in the same place? Do I stay in the same area and settle for a basement suite (I find basement suites depressing, not a good idea for me to be underground)? I guess I just worry about stability for her- we have been back and forth between our "home" where we lived with DH (she was only 2 months old when he died) and here a few times, and this will be the second move since "the big move" back to my hometown. I've applied for co-op housing which I think would be great, but who knows how long the waitlist is. I'm finally at a place where I'm enjoying some things in life but damn it's a hell of a lot harder since DH died. I just don't want to screw her up!

Happy birthday! Honestly pity parties are my favourite kind of party these days. Much better than making small talk with people! But really, I'm sorry people haven't come through for you today... it's a good excuse to treat yourself though, I say!

LOL! and EW! and LOL! Oh my, this is disturbing.

Thanks for posting this. I saw a sand mandala being made last summer, when I was still very early in my grief. It's amazing how the monks create them. I would've liked to see it being swept away. Letting go, or finding that balance between holding on to memories and love and letting go of pain and personal attachment... it is so, so hard.

Yep, I get it. I don't have the energy to elaborate tonight (case in point) but, I get it!

Congrats mama on your baby girl. If/ when you are sleep deprived and feeling alone like I was many, many times, remember that there are a whole bunch of us pulling for you! And probably many of us sleep deprived and awake at the same ridiculous hour with our littles, in solidarity!

I get it. We get it. My fianc? died before we had a chance to get married- the date was set and I picked out my dress but... Then he died. We had three years together and I can now look back (more than a year after he died) and feel grateful for that time... though I still feel cheated. For a long time I hated seeing elderly couples, or couples in general, I was so jealous and angry, but that part has become much easier. This is a good place to vent, to read, to find others who get what you're going through. Hang in there.

It's hard to fathom the magnitude of the devastation. I don't often mention here how my love died- it was in an avalanche. He was backcountry skiing, one of his passions. Whenever I hear of avalanche deaths my mind goes right back to the day he died. And to try to imagine losing multiple family members and your home...there are no words. I donate regularly to MSF and they're sending aid teams... but the death toll is just overwhelming.

1. This board. I'm very grateful for it today. 2. I'm taking a mindfulness meditation course and it's already been really helpful in many ways- over a year out from losing my love and I am just getting to the point where I can choose to sit and be with myself without being so afraid of grief that I can't sit still. 3. I have a job that is challenging and that I (mostly) enjoy.

My 16 month old says quite a few words but isn't really "talking" much yet, if that makes sense- no full sentences or profound insights that I can understand:) Anyways, I show her pictures of her Dad (he died when she was two months old) and she says "dada," but always also pats herself on the head when she says it... I have no idea where this came from! It is cute and kind of weird!