fairlanegirl

Mate, at our age I'd advise getting laid BEFORE getting drunk (OK, maybe just a teeny bit tipsy first would be alright!) I've seen your posts since I first joined here over 6 years ago - best wishes from across the Pacific.

Over 6 years here too, and a few weeks ago I had a day when I wandered round crying like a leaky tap all day. Could have been partly hormonal but really, when you think about it, why WOULDN'T we have times like that? Why expect ourselves to never be taken back there? We're human, it's not that neat and tidy, and really, should it be? Best to just roll with it, don't question it. Total 'closure' is nonsense for most, anyway.

Second that Bunny. My daughter was playing Dolly Parton's dreadful (but annoyingly catchy!) song 'Jolene' on youtube the other night and I said just remember, no one ever 'steals' a person who really doesn't want to go. Though it's a great track in terms of raw emotion, ol' Dolly's singing to the wrong person, and how much of a catch is the fellow anyway?!

In saying that, I have seen people driven away by constant illogical jealousy and insecurity. 'Well if they think I'm up to no good, i might as well be' syndrome I guess.

Yes without the structure of job and school, there was a certain need to keep busy. I didn't seem to have trouble with  it,it seemed right. I don't think I would have done it differently, I think that busyness carried me through. I planned extra trips, did extra visit with friends, I worked at staying busy...........do what feels right. Good luck getting through another first.

Jennica you poor thing, I remember this very, very well. I was pretty much like klim above here - found that indeed, there was enough time to grieve and be busy! Though some well-meaning friends worried about me doing too much, others realised I had to be kept busy, and I was very grateful for that. I was never a homebody, quite the reverse, but being widowed exacerbated that. Even now six years down the track and with a bloke around some of the time, I have discovered the hard way I need to have plans in the weekends, one plan at least. It depends too on your children, mine fight a bit and too much spare time can be a bad idea. I think I am now perhaps more at standard solo mother lack-of-structure than widowed lack-of-structure, but those bad grief days still hit hard.

Ten months is nothing. I still call my husband my husband, don't like the word 'late', makes him sound about 80. And I have a lovely man who loves me and the kids and vice versa. I know that is not relevant to your problem, but just mean to say, keep using husband for the rest of your life if you want. He's not your 'ex'. 

All I can say is, it will be more manageable eventually. Hang in there.

I think it may be more individual, and depends on age/generation perhaps? Maybe older women of an earlier might have spent 50 years or more doing the traditional role of running round after a bloke, and not want to do it again, and they are most likely, if anything, to end up with someone their own age. They may not like the idea of possibly nursing a sick old fellow. I guess it depends on your experience of marriage. i never felt I had to compromise myself / answer to anyone in any way being married to my husband, so being by myself was not 'freedom' as it can be for some I suppose.

Younger people--I'd say judging by those on here, many of both sexes do repartner. I did after a year, though we don't live together / haven't married and actually I'm fine with that at this stage of life (I am 50 and was widowed at 44). We've talked about it but logistically, it will be a long time. I don't want to uproot my children either, they've been through too much. He's their stepdad, just only here three nights a week! This way I have also had to be more independent, but with the backup of knowing I'm loved, if you know what I mean, which yes, does make a huge difference, I don't kid myself about that.

Statistics can be misleading, I suspect, because they only count 'remarriage after widowhood' rates. There are doubtless a lot of people, especially in this day and age, including older women, who have love lives, they are just not married.

Mike, I think you are dead right and more women should listen when you give feedback. 

Men think differently then women and I think any insight is welcome.  Doesn't mean right or wrong, just more things to ponder....

It's the monolithic idea of 'how men think' and 'how women think' that I find a bit odd - frankly.

Like Wheelerswife never changed mine, just never got the concept and why it was (almost) inevitably the woman who did it. Any bloke who was offended by that - huge red flag and goodbye matey! Change yours if you want! Still it is pretty common not to change here. Our children are hyphenated, also common here across all social groups. Be what you want, I guess.

What is their big objection? Is it financial, are they afraid you would get ripped off?

I am similar, have been with my new fellow 5 years now, same, not cohabiting, have talked marriage but not in near future. Logistically it would be hard as he doesn't own a home, my kids are still young and finally fairly stable, and I don't want to uproot them to another house or part of town. Financially I would lose benefits, but that is not really an impediment. Yes, i would have to draw up a prenup. And yes, emotionally, I love him very much, but I am not ready to marry again yet. I think I will be one day, just don't feel any pressing need.

Just wondering why the reaction? You are right, I remember being treated like a child/moron soon after my husband's death, by those I know love me, with good intentions, but it is galling after this long for you.

I often think I can't even recall how deep the grief was back at the beginning and then I am immersed in pain again. I know the pain isn't anywhere near the scale of back then but it reminds me. Just every few months. Deep, wracking grief to my core.

 

We all get so practiced at hiding it, that people can't even conceive that we might still be feeling it.

 

The grief is etched so eternally in my soul that it will never be completely erased. But now that I write that, I realise I actually never want it to completely disappeared. I don't want the pain to ever fully go away, because it is an aspect of my love for him. I want him to always be with me, so if that means I have to deal with my grief every few months, I can bear that. I don't ever want to forget. I don't enjoy the pain, but it has so much meaning for me.

 

All this resonated so much with me at over 6 years, and I did start 'feeling' the grief straight away. Thank you for expressing it so beautifully.

For all I know, you may have been in a relationship with your fiancé longer that I knew my second husband.  My pain would have been no less than if I had not married him.

Yes, I thought this too. Not that length of time matters really of course, but for example, I have been in a relationship five years. If we were to then get engaged, to me that would be like being married for five years. And having been married before of course, and widowed, in my heart, for me, I would know this.

All the very best to you Monique. It is a very very hard road, I don't think it is presumptuous to say you are likely still in the shock stage, take care of yourself.  And I too remember reading on the previous forum in my very early days, and gaining some comfort and hope. i hope you do too. 

Young children obviously add a certain complexity but I'm having a little of the same feelings....that  i don't want to share all of my life but  I want to be part of a couple. Some times I just want to live apart and yet to be his(NG"s) girl forever....so that there is a future but that life as it is now is not too disrupted.

This is what I've had for five years and probably for the next several too, and it works fine for us. Will probably marry one day, as he never has been, but logistically and emotionally, I don't need it right now, and he is happy with that too. We love each other, and that is enough. Actually the odd friend has said they wouldn't mind a bloke who is only around 2-3 nights a week! As time goes on i find I am stronger too and feeling less like rushing into cohabiting. There are many ways to have a relationship, aren't there?

No religious beliefs to contend with here so easier I guess. My husband was cremated and most of his ashes buried apart from some with his family. I have not remarried but all going well will remain with my current partner and maybe marry when we are older. I intend to be cremated and have my ashes split, half buried with DH, half with my partner.

And that reality DOES come up.  For me, every time NG is late and hasn't warned me ahead of time.  In thinking about wills and health proxies, etc.  I think we've lost that innocence. 

Yes. He went out cycling and never came home. Now with my new bloke, I start to worry, whereas before I was the least anxious person ever. The lost innocence resonates very much with me.

Agree with both statements above, but a little male perspective. you shouldn't latch on to somebody if they are the wrong person just because of the above statements. Slow down, and I think it is ok to have more than a few relationships so long as a bunch of different men are coming through the door 3 or 4 different ones in a year. Other wise several years from now you may find yourself stuck with the wrong person. Every body seems great when things are new.

With all due respect don't think there is anything particularly male about your perspective there. Most of us, male and female, have been around the block enough at some stage to not stick with the wrong person, I suspect. The thing of course is that unless you have an amazing support system with family who will take the children frequently, your children will see everyone you are with - future or no future, and let's face it, most often you don't know which it is initially. The worry is children getting attached to people only for them to go. No shared custody etc of course so you can't keep your relationships separate. Some here do manage that very well and I take off my hat to you - I'd get too frustrated! I got lucky I guess, reconnected with someone from my past and it has worked, but even that is a risk of course. Plus there is the thing that in some cultures, thankfully not mine, a woman will be judged more harshly for having multiple relationships than a bloke, who may be seen as 'lonely' and needing sex etc whereas women are supposed to be entirely devoted to their children.

She says there should never be serious dating or remarriage when kids are under 18, for divorced or widowed or never married. 

Don't know who this lady is, but that is ridiculous. Sure, not a revolving door of partners, but if you find the right one? Five years into a new relationship, think I have anyway. I will be 60 when my youngest turns 18, afraid my maternal martyrdom does not stretch that far! A happier Mum must be a good thing, usually.

Swapped to right hand with engagement ring at about 4 months, and it is still there, will be there forever even if I marry again. Now six years out, got into a relationship - non-cohabiting - that I am still in, at about a year. Never actively 'dated' as in decided to go out looking, I knew NG a long time ago and he kind of just turned up, and it felt right. Guess I'm not a very complex person! I admire those with the courage to go online, doubt I could have done it. Like Elijah, kids are good, though oldest who was six did have trouble with it sporadically for quite a while, hardly surprising. Youngest wasn't even 2 when her daddy died, so she was OK...

I'd agree with daysofelijah, who gives a far better perspective than I could, though I am in a serious post-widowhood relationship, and rarely compare them, certainly not in a negative way. Your girlfriend has quite likely picked up on your irritation, I would think, which can't feel nice for her. Nowhere do you mention what you actually feel for her. Do you love her? Best of luck to both of you, however it happens.

While I had my idea of a perfect marriage, there is not a single person in my life that would think or say anything even remotely close to what is on the 10-things list. Admittedly I live in a bubble, but I am a bit horrified -- and saddened -- that such a world exists.

 

abl

Indeed, same here. There are a lot of God-bothery type comments in there though, and my bloke and I are very unlikely to get those. He doesn't seem the slightest bit fazed - he knew I was a widow, he was at the funeral... and I told him from the start he wasn't the consolation prize. He knows I love him.  He doesn't bring children to the equation though, which would complicate things I guess. And we don't live together.

Thank you all for these. I am crying, but in a hopeful way. I am so lonely. But maybe not forever. Thanks.

I see you are very recently widowed and I remember too coming to this section of the previous board almost straight away, when things were still so surreal, just for hope. I remember one widow talking of frantically giving her husband CPR, ultimately unsuccessfully, and thinking as she did it, 'No! You can't die! I haven't finished loving yet!' It is the kind of thing one has to be very careful relating to those who haven't been widowed, and even to those who have, but it is exactly how I felt.

Rambling, but saying I know exactly what you mean. Six years on, it is still hard, but I have a lovely boyfriend who is a good man in a different way, and still love my husband as much as the day we married. It is possible. Hang in there.

Oh my I had to look that one up, I thought it was having sex with parrots.

That'd be two 'l's, surely :-)

 

 

He also finally shared something with me, that he had a short 3 month relationship with a married woman before we were together. And that has been a shocker and something I don't really know if I can get past. I just feel so disappointed and disgusted with him about it. Obviously he says all the right things now and shows me he regrets it, but to have such low moral boundaries, idk. We've gone over and over and over it though over the last month, so I need to decide if I can forgive and move past, or if it's a deal-breaker for me. I'm still not sure.

 

 

I understand if it is a deal-breaker for you; it is not very admirable behaviour, but then again the guy is only human, and he was not the married one by the sound of things. Over the years I've had girlfriends involved with married men who never thought they would be. It has never turned out well, but none fit the image of the 'scarlet woman' and all have gone on to happy marriages themselves. Sometimes life isn't black and white.

Anyone up for coffee in Australia? Didn't think so.

Hey, try being in NZ :-)

Good on you Bear for being honest. I always reckon, as long as those involved are all on the same page, that's the main thing. It's when we are not that the trouble starts...

p.s. - darn right we have big egos. It's what lets us kill spiders and open jar lids that are on too tight.  ;D

 

Best wishes - Mike

Goodness, I can do both those things Mike, without a big ego or the right genitalia...as I'm sure can many of your female compatriots!

The woman who accosted your girlfriend was a nutcase, obviously.

Love and attraction have no rules, indeed. I think it's just blokes who always try to get women much much younger and assume they are attractive to them that many wonder about. For most young women (some of us can remember being one!) much older guys aren't yuk, just not on the radar, being their dad's age. Read a theory somewhere recently that hormonally older men and young women can work because the blokes are declining a bit in that department, and the women haven't reached peak sexually-assertive horniness yet :-)

Totally off-topic but - nice to see you again Bear!