fairlanegirl

This is one respect in which I'm glad my two were young (the only one I think - neither will really remember their father. So I wish they had been older, for their sakes) - 2 and 6, so I didn't have a big drama, he just started sleeping over, and they knew him before we became an item. First post-widowhood relationship and has lasted three years, going strong. That said, looking back I took a heck of a gamble. Certainly wouldn't want multiple guys going in and out of their lives.

Yes, I confess, horniness was the winner on the day! I don't know how you folks do it. I guess sooner or later teens have to accept that you deserve a life too - like they will want/have. I wouldn't want to be negotiating it, and who knows, it might come back to bite me in the backside in later years when they have a better idea what Mum is getting up to.Best of luck.

Strange - some folks think because you don't happen to have anyone that you must have 'sworn off' men/women - as if it were that easy! But your friend sounds more understanding than that.

My girlfriends are good about going out with me without husbands about once a month but it's always on a weeknight so it doesn't interfere with their couple time.

Confess I don't really get this - sounds incredibly smug and rather tactless, as if they are deigning to sacrifice 1 night in 30 for the poor lonely widow! Most of them probably spend 7 nights a week together, right? As part of a couple, people still go out with their friends individually sometimes even on weekends, surely that's healthy? Friends are the ones with you always, especially old friends. Apologies, but this really leapt out at me for some reason. Not the greatest of mates. I sincerely hope I would never treat a friend like that.

Rob, I wanted to compliment you on not turning this into "you WILL believe, or else", but rather focused on what it means to commit and be reliable to others. Not an easy way through it, any way you try. I greatly respect what you tried to do, and greatly appreciate the humor that you somehow managed to retain.

Nice job, Dad!

Yes, I have no religious beliefs and I'd say the same - being reliable is the key thing here. I think you handled it very well by the sound of things, and the fact that she  did indeed do the cleaning etc. you told her to, rather than saying F--- you and running away, says an awful lot for you as a parent, and her as a daughter. It sounds like you are doing an excellent job, but I'm sure you knew that!

Just out of genuine curiosity Serpico, if one does 'suddenly stop' belonging to a faith because they don't believe in it any more (how could you in all honesty carry on if you decide you don't believe in the existence of God/gods, or that faith's version of him/it/them?) surely the church would welcome you back if further down the line, on mature reflection, you want to come back into the fold, with solid, renewed faith? Or is that not how it works? If a person is confirmed but doesn't really believe, isn't that hypocritical? I ask this in all respect, as I have friends who are Catholics, and some others Baptists (the mellow Antipodean version!) but have never discussed it.

Gyaahh! I lasted a whole two weeks before the kids saw us lounging around in the same bed together - but they were 6 and 2. I cannot imagine what it would be like with older children/teenagers, I take off my hat to those of you dealing with that. Three years on we are not cohabiting but are committed to each other and a happy unit with him staying most weekends and a night during the week. I suspect - touch wood - I have been very fortunate.

If you have been seeing each other for a while and the children know that, not sure how it sets a bad example to share a bed, but maybe we're a bit looser in this part of the world in that respect?

The very best of luck to you Trying, the pool idea sounds lovely.

What is so important about physical attraction? Well, isn't it simply that without it one doesn't desire the other person, which is surely a pretty major aspect of a non-platonic relationship? Do you mean, should you go out with someone a few times and see if it grows? I've not had that experience, many others have. You probably know yourself well enough by now not to waste women's time if you are not attracted to them, unless you are the type which likes to 'keep one on the back burner', which is rather nasty, and doesn't sound like you from what you've written.

Also there is physical attraction, and conventional 'physical attractiveness' which are not necessarily the same. It's cliched but I suspect to some extent true that men are more fixated on looks. For me, a nice bod is a bonus, but attractiveness is more in the eyes and smile, and the way a man touches you. Actually, knowing your bloke finds you attractive is probably the most attractive and sexiest thing for me, and a lot of women.

MAc, you reminded me of my husband's boss who came to visit in the days between the death and funeral.  y mom was there and she is overweight, out of shape, smoker and frequently eats McDonalds 3 times a day.  Boss says, as I am walking him out to the car, "We use to talk about your mom's health a lot.  Why the fuck is she here and he is dead?"  I was like...  Umm...  excuse me?

Though not very nice to your mum, when I read this I thought, in a way he is just expressing something that many of us feel. Just not doing it very tactfully...his way of showing shocked sympathy.

Happily got a 51-year-old boyfriend here! In some situations I use partner. 'Partner' sounds a bit po-faced sometimes though, and here generally implies cohabitation, which is not the case with us.

Consort, hmmm, does  make me think of the Duke of Edinburgh, but I like it. Might start using that, thanks!

My children do come first in many, many instances but never when it puts my relationship with the man I love in jeopardy. I know perfectly well how selfish that sounds. We live in a kid centric society (though perhaps we didn't grow up in it ourselves) and parents are supposed to sacrifice everything - including their own futures - to make certain our kids are happy.

 

But our kids are grieving. It's a process that takes time, and beyond being understanding, listening and keeping them from self-destructive behavior (which is nearly impossible once they hit a certain age), there isn't that much we can do. They have to weather it and come out on the other side. Just like we do. Giving them the power to decide what we, as the parent, should or shouldn't be doing is not a kindness to them (or to ourselves). We are still the parents. It sucks sometimes. It sucks harder when grieving is involved. But we have to think of the longterm future whereas kids (and they are kids up until the day you know they aren't anymore and that can be a long time) don't think longterm. They think about now and maybe a couple of days from now. They are not worried about us not should they, which is why we have the tricky job of balancing our very real and important needs against their perception that the world has ended when it hasn't.

 

I know that sometimes love isn't enough no matter how much we want it to be. I am glad that you and your guy are still talking. Still trying to find a way. That way - whatever happens - you can find a measure of comfort in that. You are a good mom. He is a good father. You both deserve your happiness. Together hopefully but individually if not.

 

Yes. Let's face it, it sounds like your young ones will be unhappy with any relationship you get into. Where does that leave you? You say you love this man and respect him. Those are the main things. I guess I am not very analytical, and have never had any kind of life plan. I have been with someone for three years, whom my children also love (they were 6 and 3 when we got together - easier I know). He would like to marry at some stage but logistically it is tricky right now, and he hasn't pushed it. Anniegirl makes a good point about how we want life sorted, quick, and initially I imagined we'd be moving in somewhere in a couple of years etc. but funnily as time goes on I am quite happy to have a bloke who stays over weekends and one night a week. And not to look for a new house etc. We love each other, and after what we have all been through, that is pretty good, especially looking back on the living hell of the early days.

Trying you sound like you have something good there - none of us can read your mind but please don't throw something good away too easily.

It never occurred to me until I read this thread that if my guy had had an online dating profile, I would have never clicked his link or whatever. I would have assumed our life experiences were just too different. It's something to think I would have completely missed us that way.

 

Just sharing.

This made me smile - I had known my new guy for over 20 years, though not had much to do with each other for most of that, and I've thought the same. He was 48, never married or even in a long-term relationship, living at home (looking after parents not other way round) and collects guns. I joked to him, online it would have been 'Danger! Danger, Boy Robinson!' So you just never know. I do realise though that this may be unusual.

I find that no one remembers except me and his parents.  And as time goes on, I don't find that strange or upsetting.  I can barely remember my friends' birthdays and anniversaries, etc.  These dates are mine and it wouldn't make sense honestly if people remembered them.  It's a mark of special-ness.  We were theirs and they were ours, and these dates are between us and them, except we are the only ones here. 

We were theirs and they were ours - that resonated with me, thank you. Four years just past and parents and one of my brothers only messages. But I realise it is not because friends don't care - I have never been that good with dates.

As a newbie I liked the BAG section. It was more hopeful than not. I liked seeing that there was a future and people living it.

Yes. I liked the Social Section too for the same reason.

I used to go to ywbb each day, until the move, and I'm thinking the change might be a catalyst for reducing that. But I can't imagine never checking in. 4 years now.