fairlanegirl

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I really don't think I will be able to live with a man under the same roof (married or not) until my kids are older...one or two leave home etc.

 

I don't want to take care of a grown man on top of the responsibilities of 3 kids.

Yes, this is one I can't relate to at all - have always had those who look after themselves, never had that weird 'extra child' thing happening (not that I'm saying you did SB!) I don't know how people put up with that, mind you, there is a strong element of enabling and learned helplessness I suspect. And some folks do like things that way.

In saying that, in a relationship almost 4 years and still living apart quite happily, I think it will be when kids are quite a bit older. I quite like the novelty of having a bloke around half the week, not that I minded having one fulltime :-(

Ha, New Zealand, thought I'd put my 2c in. IRL know one widower same age, that's it, but OK with that.

Thank you - this is a tradition I'd never heard of - not known down here really, so fortunately, neither have my children!

Back to the original topic: I was so heartbroken when Lady Mary lost her husband in the show - sobbing, and I very, very rarely cry.  Feel so bad for her now.  Even though we went through it, I can't imagine those early feelings.  I'm so glad to have forgotten so much of the early days.

Yes, I missed a whole series after that, I saw it coming and ended up saying 'You bastards!' (ie the scriptwriters) at the screen! 'Why couldn't you have made him emigrate to NZ in time-honoured British telly fashion like on the soaps (because to some folk it is like going to the moon from the UK :-))

And sorry if I did do a spoiler - are you a series or two behind in the US?

Michelle Dockery just lost her 34 year-old fiance to cancer. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-3360584/Downton-star-Michelle-Dockery-s-fiance-dies-aged-34.html

 

How sad.  her acting in the future will for sure be authentic as a young widow.

 

Poor thing - ironically, if I may use the term, we've just had what I think was the sixth and final series here  (NZ) apart from the upcoming Christmas special?

All the very best to you, Melbar. Our timelines are very close, and I have read your posts over the years. No marriage here for a few years yet but have a lovely bloke too. Still bad days but being loved helps, one has to admit, and I'm sure you'll agree.

Yes, if your daughter is old enough that you'd consider taking her to Suffragette, she is old enough to go to the movies without you, although obviously with a friend would be more fun. Maybe wait until she has someone to go with so you can drop and go, and take her out for a treat afterwards if you want?

I would find it extremely weird if a date DIDN'T ask about my kids, assuming they know I have them. I guess I don't see what there is to be guarded about...

Same here, it would be odd if they didn't ask something at least, and if they had children themselves it would be a common talking point.

I'd say your daughter's boss saying such a thing to your daughter is revolting on a few levels, but just being called a MILF wouldn't necessarily bother me, I'd probably find it funny. "Ha, in your dreams, buddy!" Actually my bloke might have even used it in jest... As often the case, context is all.

A FILF sounds like fun, especially if he has a lisp :-)

No Patricia it is not weird! I expected to feel strange and didn't, and new partner and I still using same bed years later. I guess it is one of those things - stuff you expect to affect you doesn't, and stuff you didn't expect to does.

Sex is not everything but it is important to me. It always was, and my husband and I had a great sex life but in Ch 2 I'm finding I think more about it, want to try different things etc. Part of this is I suppose wanting to make the most of being alive, what Trying said about the need to connect physically being more intense - and part is also just age I guess - middle-aged horniness! I'll be 50 next year and maybe subconsciously I'm thinking 'I want to have as much as I can!' and explore a bit more with the time I have (I don't mean stopping at 50!), albeit with the same person.

Shared interests - not so much. Love and caring for each other, emotional intimacy yes. But it is a long time since I was in a relationship where sex was a problem or had to take a back seat, so I can't really say what it would be like to be forced to downgrade it.

Have to say Sugarbell I laughed at the idea of someone 'priding themselves on being amazing in bed'. A legend in their own mind! You'd have to be a bit of a plonker, really. A fun one, mind you.

We have Parent Night coming up where the parents are supposed to choose their volunteer spots for school. The sign says "Parents Night! 6:30pm No Children Please!". Ok. How am I supposed to cope with that? I've yet to find a babysitter who can put my child to bed. They've all been rejected since Dad died. Hysterical tantrum city. I can just imagine how guilty I am going to feel because I am not available to volunteer during work hours. The other parents hang around the playground outside the classroom talking about what they are going to volunteer to help with at the school. Someone who knows I am a frazzled solo parent with a demanding career said to me "Oh you can help teach "x" since that's your job!"  (I think though this isn't about widowhood so much as it's about gender)

 

I tried to give the teacher a list of people who are authorized to pick up my offspring. She's knows our story and she said "Oh I don't do that. Other families usually establish a routine".  My child said "My Dad used to pick me up, but he's dead". Deer in the headlights smiling stare from the teacher.

 

I told my child then and try to tell them as often as possible "Dad would be so proud of you"

Don't feel guilty, Fern. Fortunately we don't have anything like this at school (especially the No Children Please! Good grief), this stuff is like another planet to me. But you can bet there will be people who can volunteer and don't because they just can't be arsed. And I cannot believe what an insensitive idiot the teacher is (sorry) - sounds like she is in the wrong job.

For many, the relationship path is supposed to be date, know if he is the one, talk about the future, cohabitate or/and get married etc. But post widow I think it's important to regroup, find ourselves again, find our new life path- and this is especially challenging when grieving children are in the picture. You are making great strides for yourself, your children, your new life and there will be long run benefits from that.

 

Sometimes there is something to be said for having a little space while we and our children grow post such a loss. Things will come together in a more cohesive, mutually beneficial way when the pieces fall into place. You're doing a great and admirable job rebuilding you and your children's lives. All the best

This really resonated, especially about having a little space, and the pieces falling into place when they will.  Widowed 4 1/2 years and in a relationship now for 3 1/2, many people would expect us to be at least cohabiting now, might have expected it myself. But actually, having someone just stay over 3 nights a week is working out well. We have talked about marriage further down the line, and I realise those folks with beliefs that preclude sex before marriage, or sex in the house with children there (mine were younger, which helps) might be keener to marry faster. It is good to know that if he can't come over one weekend because he has to work on his car, or the children and I are going on holiday, I'm fine with that. I love him, but don't need him around all the time, and that feels a good place to be.  Sorry to ramble! Best of luck.

I can understand being busy and having to make a living, but not turning his phone off when you are making love, or asleep (I assume asleep means at night - who is so rude as to be texting/calling that time of night?) seems just rude to me. And in a movie - I hope you mean at home, not at an actual movie at the theatre or someone would have hit him over the head!

'How do I do that?'

For Christ's sake.

Have you tried, 'Give the thing to me, I'll do it!'

You always sound like a pretty go-go-go person yourself so he is lucky you have been this tolerant - a lot of people would be driven bonkers by it very quickly.

Oh my Helen.  My knowledge of Margaret Thatcher is limited.  Guess I made a bad comparison.  Carly Fiorina was impressive in the debate but ability to govern is an unknown to me.  I'm embarrassed that I made the comparison but will certainly do some research on the real "Iron Lady".

 

You will likely find as many good attributes as bad in your research. No embarrassment is necessary.

Yes, being neither a Brit nor a Yank, I'm unqualified to comment except to say that watching British TV right through Thatcher's time you'd think the whole UK loathed her - I guess the luvvies did among others so that was the impression given - but she was voted in three times I believe, which doesn't say much for the opposition, and indicates that maybe a lot of people had had a gutsful of what the UK was like before and the Winter of Discontent that immediately preceded her election?

As for Trump, well if he made it to president, it is not just the US that's doomed but the whole bloody planet! The man is a complete arsewipe.

 

After the 2nd exchange, he then *directed* that we meet on Wednesday night for a drink and then, if sparks fly, I could give him my number.... no please, no would you like to meet, just a directive.  Where did gentlemenly courtesy and respect go?  And I wonder if there are women who respond to directives like that from strangers and just show up at the designated time and place? 

I'm mildly curious as to how exactly he 'directed' you? Did he say, "Meet me at such-and-such at this time"? Sometimes things can seem blunter written down than expressed vocally, can't they.

Oops sorry, by tossers I meant people who lie about doing things then plaster it all over Facebook of course,  not people who use Facebook!

When I approached friends - friends who were like family - who had ditched me after I, admittedly, became a bit of a drag around months 8-12, I apologized to them.  The response I got was, "It was your path to walk and you walked it."

'A bit of a drag' - what the hell do they expect? A box of fluffies?! I understand especially now, in hindsight, (somehow) over 4 years on, but unless you were spending every day with these folks... Your path to walk and you walked it? Yes, no one can do the hard yards for us, but having people holding our hand on that 'path' (or 'journey' aarggh, facile psychobabble alert!) is a big help, or at least it has been for me.

Glad I'm not on Facebook. What a pack of tossers.

I have a friend who has a great relationship with her husband, though.  She said to me she didn't envision ever marrying again if something happened to him.

The reality, as we all know, is that if it happened, she has absolutely no idea what she would do! Still, I had a great relationship with my husband, and we never discussed death, but I think I would've said maybe I'd marry again. 

And I'm sitting here thinking "Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Joleeeeeeene, I'm begging of you please don't rip up any more furniture...." :-) Good to hear all's well that ends well.

I guess it depends too on how the relationship is conducted - 'boyfriend' is a pretty broad term. I have been seeing someone for over three years now, we knew him before, he stays over about three nights a week including most weekends, so is more like a stepfather - we went to the pub the other night and joked that it was about our sixth 'date' in three years! Just going out with someone or seeing them for a few hours every week or so must be very different. Also my children were younger when we got together, much easier. We will marry eventually, have discussed it, but for the moment there are too many logistical challenges with housing, school etc. plus to be honest, I love him very much but am not quite ready emotionally to marry again yet. Fortunately this is not a culture where a lot of pressure comes on to marry - he has had some very nice but devout Christian friends pestering him about it a bit, but I guess they can only see one logical path, plus they have absolutely no idea what it is like to be widowed. I find I actually quite like having a 'fancy man' who is also good with the kids!

 

However , when I spend time with him and his kids , I love it .. I always wanted a lot of kids and like the busyness of it all. I see how he can't text or call me a lot.. It's crazy there sometimes. He tells me when I do bring it up, just call me .

When I say I don't see him as my next chapter .. It's because I think in my head, I want to travel in a few years , downsize my house etc. he can't do any of that for a lot longer . His youngest is also a handful . Another however.. Life is short.. I might never find what I think is ideal . I enjoy what I have with him. He's there for me and my kids 100percent. So for now , I hope to stop questioning and just enjoy. Time will tell and I hope I will have the wisdom to walk away if I really think some of these things are deal breakers.

This all sounds pretty good to me. One thing we learn over time is that no one person can fulfil our every need - you can still travel in a few years for example, maybe with a girlfriend, alone, on a tour.

I feel judged, but maybe it's my own little hang up because others have commented negatively wondering why I think I need a man when I am financially set.

Ummm....love? Intimacy? Sex? Because you like them? Who on earth says something like that to a person? What planet are they on? What century] are they in? Sounds like you do need to move somewhere where people get their own lives instead of projecting their hangups on to yours!

Now my boys are about to come home from college and my play time will be very limited.  Am I just an embarrassed mom or should I come right out and tell them that yes - mommy is having fun.  (That will really make them ill)

If they are university age surely they will have figured out already that mum isn't sitting around holding hands with her beau. But I suppose at that age they can't even comprehend 'old people' having sex...it may not have occurred to them that their mother has such needs and desires! Too bad, it's a reality check for them, you have a life too. Mind you, if you've hammered home a no sex before marriage mantra (are they following it? Do you know?!) you might have to eat some humble pie there...

Can 16 year old males get PMS?  Next year might just have brunch with other Moms and maybe a game of golf.

My Mum once commented 'Some men act menopausal their whole lives' so I hope yours grow out of the inconsiderate can't-be-arsed-ness! I can't talk, because I have two young girls, not teens, but I'm inclined to agree with Serpico, though how you go about it if they are not used to it, I don't know. Go off with your friends. I'm sure your boys go off with their mates all the time. Stuff 'em, frankly. I was never very good at being the skivvy, I'm afraid....