Alexswife

Thanks for the support, y'all. I feel like I've been holding my breath for the past few days and now I am starting to exhale. This awful, no good day is almost over. It doesn't matter though, tomorrow might not be a special date but he will still be dead. I will still be a widow and our lives will still be over. Special date or not. Tomorrow will hurt just like always.

So sorry. Thinking of you.

I've cried so much that I can't form tears anymore. My heart is so broken that I don't know how it continues to beat. Today we would've been married for three years. The three months and five days that we were married were the absolute best days of my life. I've reached my peak, life will never be better than it was back then. I miss him.

It's white. The complete opposite of black.

Thanks, y'all. I'm feeling much more confident in my choice today. I do love my new car. I just wish Alex were here to see it. My sister says, "it must be nice." I would trade everything I own for just one more day with Alex. She has a husband and beautiful children. It must be nice.

Thanks y'all for the support and advice. Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I guess that explains why I'm awake at 4:00 in the morning. I did end up buying a car. A chevy sonic. It's WAY above the budget I had set for myself and that makes me nervous. I can afford the payments with no problem at all but I like to shop every now and then, that will not be happening for a while. I love the car but I'm scared that I've made the wrong decision. My parents went with me. My dad thought everything was priced right and that I was getting a good deal. I trust his judgement. I'm a planner, a thinker. I never make big decisions on a whim like this but because I was so furious with BIL I was determined to get a car today. The most difficult part of the day was calling the insurance company. The man on the phone says, "I see Kevin(Alex) is listed on your policy as well, do you want me to remove him?" Ugh, Why does every thing have to hurt so bad. Thanks again for all of your support. (((Hugs)))

For the past year, I have been borrowing my sister's car that is too small for her family to use. We are the type of family that helps each other out any way that we can. When I got my tax return the other week, I was sooo excited because I FINALLY had enough money to pay down on a headstone. Tuesday night, I got an ugly text from my sister's husband telling me that he needs to sell that car and I could either buy it or he could sell it to someone else. It's a hunk of junk so I will be taking my headstone down payment and getting a car instead. Oh and my sister, who is my best friend, is not really talking to me because I smarted off about her husband. I'm going car shopping tomorrow. I'm so nervous. I know I don't want anything black and especially not a toyota because Alex died in a black toyota. I keep thinking about when I signed the loan for my car that Alex wrecked. I picked up that pen and signed his life away or that's how it feels. I know that if I sign papers tomorrow, I will be fighting back tears because my mind will be thinking about how he died in that car. If I had never signed that papers to buy that stupid toyota then maybe he would still be here. Anyway, wish me luck tomorrow.

Makes perfect sense. I'm so glad that this is working out for you. Change is scary but you can do it and we'll all be here for you when you need someone to talk to!

Congrats! It's strange how news that should be happy seems so hard when we're widowed. I know your emotions must be so mixed right now. I hope this job will be a great experience for you and your DD.

Thank you both. The signs of spring used to be so beautiful to me but now it's just painful reminders of our wedding day. Huge hugs to you both.

Today, I took my oldest niece shopping for an Easter dress. The dresses were frilly so she needed help trying them on. As I sat there helping her put these things over her head, my mind went back to being in the fitting room at the bridal shop and my sister helping me try on wedding dresses. I was so incredibly happy. I had prayed and prayed that God would send me my prince. I was trying on dresses that I would wear to walk down the aisle to my future. Now it's all over. All of my hopes, dreams and plans. Just over. The 14th of April would have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. I imagine if he had lived that by now our house would've been completely remodeled, we would've had a baby. We would be happy. Some days I can manage the pain but today seem unbearable. I miss him so much.

Raising my hands for feeling the same. I've always worked with children and loved it but these past few months have been trying for me. I am starting to feel like I'm just not cut out for this anymore. It is very rewarding but also requires A LOT of patience which I seem to not have since Alex died. The idea of doing something different scares me but at the same time I feel completely burnt out.

Came on to check on you and see how today went. We're still cheering for you!

Hoping it went well. I so get the 'missing dan' part. Everything I do reminds me of how much I miss Alex. (((hugs)))

I love her! I just saw this article on yahoo and it made me love her even more. Her husband died in 1981, she never remarried. Her biggest regret broke me. One of my biggest regrets is that Alex and I didn't elope on the night we got engaged. We seriously talked about it but I wanted a wedding and while I'm thankful for the memories of that wedding say, I would give anything if we had eloped. Heres the link to the article... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/03/26/betty-white-husband-allen-ludden_n_6947532.html?ncid=txtlnkusaolp00000592

I agree with everyone who said that you should stick with the facts. I've found that 99% of the people that I tell about Alex will quickly change the conversation so I don't think you'll really have to talk about it that much. Good luck!!!

There have been at least four ladies from my job announce that they are pregnant, all within the last month. I am REALLY trying not to let this get me down but the last announcement hit me like a ton of bricks. This particular girl just celebrated her first wedding anniversary. She came in my room, telling my coworker all about how her husband took her out of town so they could celebrate being married and now she's going to have a baby. All of this excitement while I sit around and dread my upcoming anniversary date. This is so unfair and it hurts so freaking bad. All I wanted was to be his wife and raise our children.

Huge hugs to you. Our third anniversary is coming up. It is awful without him.

Getting fit has become my new hobby. I gained about 15 pounds after Alex died, thanks to mt.dew. I've since lost 10 of those pounds by using workout videos on fitnessblender.com I've also tried to drink less soda. That is the hardest thing for me because soda is like my comfort food. My goal this week is to cut back on the amount of mt. dew I drink!

Thank you both. I like the idea of having my time and then going off and trying to escape.

Thinking of you, Mrsdan! I find that any major decision makes my grief worse, even if it's a decision that has nothing to do with the life Alex and I shared. I feel like it makes my grief worse because he's not here to talk these things through with, he was my go to person. I hope you can find some peace in the decisions you make. Good luck with the interview, it sounds like a great thing.

will be what should have been our 3rd wedding anniversary. We never celebrated one together. The top of our wedding cake still sits in the freezer at my parents house, our wedding scrapbook remains undone. I haven't watched the video since he died. The last time we watched the video, we sat in my old bedroom with my whole family and watched it. He held me in his arms, we both cried happy tears because the love we shared was so amazing. Almost three years later and he's gone. I won't go to work on our anniversary because it will be to hard. Part of me just wants to lay in the bed and cry but another part of wants to check my nieces out of school and go on a day trip. That way I will be distracted. I don't know what to do. It's so hard without him.

My dad's mother lost her husband when she was in her early thirties. My dad was only 10 years old. She never remarried. Just this past Sunday she said, " I wish Bennie was still here." It made my heart ache. He's been gone almost 50 years and she still misses him. My other grandma was widowed in her 50's. She still misses her husband daily. She also never remarried. Neither one of them can drive, they have no independence. I do not want that to be my future.

My thought is IF they really had to close the site, they could have done it in a much better way. We should have had some kind of warning before the just shut down the boards.

I am feeling very anxious about all of this. There has been soooo many nights when I couldn't sleep that I would just go on ywbb and read post from years ago. Post that would comfort me. Its a terrible feeling knowing that all of that will soon be gone. I am thankful for this place.