Alexswife

Yesterday was the three year mark. To say it was horrible would be sugar coating things. I'm still so emotional and get fight the tears. How in the world could three years have went by? I love my sweet Alex so much. On a brighter note, I just scored an interview with my dream employer! I know, I just started a new job but I applied for this one a long time ago. It's for a parapro position in the school system. It's not much money but I would get my summers off and still be able to teach little children like I love. The only downside is the interview is Thursday and there is no way I can get off work. I have never called in sick when I wasn't sick before. I am an awful liar and honestly, the guilt of lying eats me up inside but I don't think I have another choice. I'm so sad from the weekend yet so thrilled about this opportunity. I feel like I'll never stop crying from all of the emotions flowing through my body. Please wish me luck thursday and help me pray that all of this works out. I just want to my amazing husband about this interview. He would be so happy for me.

Thanks for all of your support. I'm at work and struggling to make it through this day. I just keep thinking that last year on this day Alex and I went out to celebrate three months of marriage. He tried to surprise me by getting my sister to just randomly bump into him. Unfortunetly, I am hard to sneak anything by so I knew what he was up to. I never let him know that I knew about the surprise. When we just bumped into him, he had me a dozen roses on the seat of the car and the most beautiful card. Then we went to a movie and dinner. So many wonderful but heartbreaking memories. Why can't I just sleep this day and week away?!

And it will be three years. I kept all of my nieces and my nephew for a sleepover on Friday night. Then I spent ALL day yesterday with them. They kept me so busy and distracted. It was a blessing. Last night they went home and reality returned. I had a dream last night, one of those dreams that seem so real. I was at our house and had the biggest fit. I started punching everything and screaming, "I don't like this new life." Then when someone dragged me away there he was. I grabbed him by his pinky finger and we walked outside where he just held me and told me it was all going to be alright. But he was wrong. It's not alright and it never will be again. Yes, I've laughed and smiled in these past three years and there has been moments of happiness but even those moments are shadowed by the emptiness I feel from his absence. I just miss him so much. Three years ago, it was a thursday. He had one week left. I will never ever forget that last week.

I hate this month. My niece was rollerblading with my phone and broke the screen. Now I've lost all of my text messages that we sent the months we were married. I hope I can get the screen fixed. Our first and only married fourth of July, we argued. I don't know if I remember it so well because that was our first and really our only argument but every time I think of this holiday that is what I think of. He was being amazing like always that night but I was aggravated at his family and took it out on him. Why? Now it all seems so silly. In 15 days it will be three years since he went away. Where did all of that time go? It seems like yesterday. I just hate this day. I'm trying to put on my brave face for my nieces and my nephew but all I really want to do is lay in bed and sleep all day.

Mrs. Jackie's husband had his aneurysm removed on Friday. They said he did very well during the surgery but had a few seizures after the surgery due to the medicine he was on. I heard this morning that he hasn't opened his eyes since the surgery and he's on a vent because his heart needs rest. It still sounds kind of touch and go to me. Please continue the good thoughts and prayers. I will update when I know more about his condition.

Thanks for the push, IfonlyIcould. I did get up and go to Church. I had a MAJOR meltdown during the service, in the very front of the Church where EVERYONE could see me but it was very therapeutic, I needed to let my feelings show. It had been a while since I let anyone see what I was really feeling. I feel a little bit better tonight.

I woke up this morning in a panic. What have I done?! I don't want to go back to my new job tomorrow. I don't even feel like getting out of bed and going to Church today. I just want to lay here and cry all day. I miss Alex so much.

Thank you all for the support. I made it through this difficult Thursday. My mom and sister came to each lunch with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I am beyond thankful for their support. Thanks again. Hugs to you all.

Monday I started working at the place I was at when Alex died. Surprisingly, I've actually handled my nerves very well but my missing him has gotten so much worse. I park my car and look at the tree I used to stare at while talking to him and it's like for one second he's back but them reality hits. Tomorrow is Thursday. The last time I was heading to this place on a Thursday I ended up at a road block where I would find out that he was gone. I am extremely emotional about this. I'm terrified that something awful is going to happen in the morning just like it did that last Thursday. I feel like no matter what job I have, I will never be truly happy again. Alex was my happy place and now he's gone. Thank you all for the support you have given me during this transition. I am proud of myself for actually being able to do this. Alex would be proud too.

Thank you for all of the prayers and well wishes. I have been out of town this week and away from the internet so I haven;t been able to update. Mrs. Jackie returned to work Monday. Her husband is scheduled to have surgery this upcoming Friday. I don't know how he is feeling or even how she is doing but I pray everything will be alright. I will update when I know more.

My heart hurts so bad tonight. I miss him. Who knew that the three year anniversary coming up would cause me to be such a mess.

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes. I was up all night worried about this couple. They decided that he is too weak for surgery so they are sending him home. I don't know what their prognosis is or even if the know how he will handle being at home. Ms. Jackie is scheduled to come back to work monday. Their future is so scary and unknown. I'm sad that today was my last day there and I won't be able to speak with ms. jackie on monday. Please continue to pray. I will update when I know more.

My coworker, Jackie, thought her husband had a heart attack on Monday. They took him to the hospital and ran a ton of test. She called this morning to let us know that her husband is in awful shape. As we can all understand, she is broken. He has an aneurysm on his heart. They said he can go home and die or they can try to operate but he might die on the table. Please, Please, Please pray for this man and sweet ms. Jackie. Everyone at work kept saying, "I can't imagine what she's going through." I just sat there thinking, "I can." Of course her situation is different but I still remember the fear and agony I felt as I sat in the road waiting to hear if Alex was alright. And then the cop saying, "he passed away." Such terrible memories but they are etched into my heart and brain forever. I do not want ms.Jackie to have to know this pain. Today has been hard. I feel so helpless and so pained for her. Please pray.

Huge hugs to you all. I hate the we have to spend our time missing our loves. I start my new job on June 8th. Tomorrow is my last day at my current job. I am feeling quite emotional about leaving my kids but I know this is the right move for me.

I started a new job in January 2014, 18 months after Alex died. I immediately told my coteacher about Alex but it took me several months to tell anyone else. I didn't want them to treat me differently than they did everyone else. However, after I told them I felt liberated to talk about him whenever I wanted to. When the time is right, you will be able to tell people.

That is all. This grief thing gets so complicated. It seems that I'm always dealing with DGI's and having to face fears that I wouldn't have if he were still here. It all gets so hard and complicated but at the end of the day I just miss him. Everything is about missing him. Every ache in my heart is because he's gone. I miss him so much.

Thanks for all of the support. I spent our anniversary laying in bed watching netflix and crying. It was a horrible day but I survived. I miss him so much. In less than two months it will be three years since he left. Where did all of that time go? It seems like yesterday. My life has changed so much since that day but the pain stays the same. It's always with me, never fading. I love him more than I could ever express.

Huge hugs to you all. We were married for exactly three months and five days before my sweet husband was killed in a car accident. I will never forget the joy i felt on the day that I became his wife only to so soon be followed by the agony of losing him. I was engaged, married and widowed in nine months. It's a lot to deal with. The never having an anniversary thing is the worst. Every year on April 14th, I wonder what we would be doing. Two months from tomorrow it will be three years since that terrible day. My heart still longs for him and for our happy, blissful life.

Heartbreaking news.

SVS, I face this everyday. If someone doesn't answer the phone I think, "they're dead." If someone says, "my head hurts." I think they're sick and dying. It can be the simplest thing and I FREAK out. I wish I could get over this. Huge hugs and I'm thankful that your daughter is alright!

Sooo. I've had my fill of my current job. My only go to person that works there got an amazing job offer the other week. I was so sad that she was leaving but that same day my old job called and offered me an equally amazing job. So the 29th of this month will be my last day at my current job. I will start my new one on June 8th. I am incredibly nervous about going back to the place where I was working when Alex entered my life but I did a lot of praying and I feel like this is the right move for me.

I went and applied for a job at the place I was working at when Alex died. I had extremely mixed emotions going back in there. It is not near as nice as I remember it but it is A LOT closer to my house than the job I am currently working at. The owner said she would match my pay I currently make plus I will get a lot more benefits. I can't leave my current job until August though. I am so confused. Will this set me back in my grief? It will be a better move for my wallet but I don't know about how I will handle it emotionally. Thankfully, I have until August to decide.

Alex. His name is Alex. Kevin Alexander is the name his parents gave him but everyone called him Alex. I called him Kevin when he was aggravating and Fred when I picked on him. His name is Alex and I miss him.

Huge hugs. For me, that moment came at the hospital. I was sitting in the wheel chair and suddenly I screamed, "I'm a widow! I'm too young to be a widow." In three months it will be three years since that fateful day and I still can't believe it's true.

Thanks, y'all. I'm in so much pain today. I found this picture on his computer yesterday. This was right after our wedding. I can't tell you the countless number of times that we rode for hours in that car and held each other's hand. Holding his hand was on of the most amazing things I've ever done. He had a little scar on his thumb. I used to run my finger over that scar all of the time. He was so gentle and kind. I feel like I'm drowning and I'll never come up for air again.