Sugarbell

One of my 3 kids is gifted..But I've always been very thankful that socially he's a regular kid. And his IQ is 160..it's not just a "borderline gifted/bright"-usually kids with that high of IQ do not relate well socially to peers their own age. Do I see it both ways...my son was supposed to jump a grade level-take a bus to the high school and take high school English and Math. He begged me not to make him. He wanted to stay with his friends all day. Yes he's bored and makes a 4.0 without any effort. But keeps himself busy with lawn jobs, sports, church, social things. He's happy. That's the most important thing to me is he's happy. On the other hand, I've seen gifted children be miserable at school..and they need academically pushed. They thrive on it..they see no need for other "normal kid" things. Those kids do need more academic opportunities and stimulation. Just as no two people are the same...no two "gifted" kids are the same. What works for one doesn't work for others. The people (hopefully parent or parents) that know the child best needs to tailor their decision to that particular kid.

Doesn't sound selfish at all to me....it sounds very wise. You know what you and your son can handle-Sounds to me like you are happy with yourself and know what you and your son deserve. Kudos to you!!

NG poor daughter...I hope I don't unintentionally make things worse. She went to ballgame with us last night...We were talking about our Finger Lakes vacation in June (all 6 of us are getting a lake house). She is so excited. Then my daughter grabbed my phone and started showing her pics of our various trips (I've taken lots of mini trips solo with my kids). She just got quiet then said "Well my Mom is flying to Key West tomorrow morning since she's kid free till Monday..another one of her get always with "friends".. I wish my Mom would take trips with me". Her Dad said she cried all the way back to their house...saying how selfish her Mom was. I know it's not my concern...she's anxious to get her drivers license...so she can stay at her Dads all the time and not be forced to stay with her Mom in the city and her partying friends. I just have a soft spot for kids...I verbalize nothing to her about her Mom..I'm neutral Switzerland. I'm sure when she chooses to stay with her Dad all the time that will be blame on me. 🙄

I believe timing is everything too. 9.5 years widowed...over 5 years clean and sober....I am healed, whole, independent, capable. Actually have something to offer...I was with past relationship over 2 years (and it wasn't bad-he was a good guy with good qualities but I knew he wasn't the one so I kept the wall a little up). This is different. We connect, flow...it's easy. We get each other. He grounds me...he says I am his "peace". It's early..we've met each other's families. He's done family dinner with my folks twice..gone to several of my sons baseball games. I don't ask for him for help...he just does it. It's weird it's so comfortable. Maybe because we both grew up here. It hasn't been this "easy" since I started dating DHs in my early 20s. He's a country boy...he runs a 100 acre farm and works a full time job. This will be a Loooong time dating (because we both know we can't live together...he lives 25 miles outta town..I live one minute from the schools and it's easy with my kids stuff being close. But I'm not worried about all that stuff yet...I'm just really enjoying everything about him.

Thanks for the words of wisdom everyone. I will stay the course being proactive. I catch myself always staying Astro ahead but I know some unexpected encounters are eventually going to happen. You are right...her health doesn't concern me. I think the whole MS thing really hit a nerve with me...because my Mom was diagnosed when I was in High School and she did everything to keep us shielded from it for a while...the ex hasn't even been diagnosed but is already worrying her daughter about it for sympathy. (Bet my life savings she doesn't have MS). I haven't posted a single pic or anything on social media of us because she has mutual friends with me and I'm just staying private and invisible (don't want to fuel any fire). And again..I could care less how angry or whatever the emotion is of the day she is with me....but she drills her daughter and drives that poor kid up the wall when she's upset so for her sake...I stay invisible. Oh and she's intentionally overdosed twice when she gets upset (usually over one of her man friends) My sons friends Dad went out with her briefly..when he tried to dump her she overdosed and had to have her stomach pumped. So I'm expecting that to happen eventually too for attention. Good grief.🙄🙄. But NG is worth her headache. I'm not going anywhere.

It's a challenge...in my small hometown..we know lots of the same people. I'm not really used to being on guard..but I grew up here..so it's not hard to stay 2 steps ahead of the crazy. Her latest is she's telling folks she's being tested for MS (Multiple Scelerosis). When he finally had enough 3 years ago and they separated she told everyone she had cancer and he was leaving her and not there for her during treatments. (Uh he left her cause she started cheating in 2006...and never really stopped and he finally had enough. His only regret is he didn't leave her sooner) She never had treatments..it suddenly was gone once the attention stopped and she realized he wasn't taking her back. My Mom has MS...she's had it for 30 years. It aggravates me that she's got her daughter worked up over her MS testing (which is just an MRI..maybe they are trying to find a reason for the Crazy). I'm almost at a place that I am ready to stop tip toeing around about the relationship and avoiding her at all costs. I am really taking the proactive high road because I really care about this guy and his daughter. My inner redneck wants to start messing with her head..Holding off hoping she just flits away

Met his Mom, sisters, nieces/nephews this weekend. They are great. They were having a large birthday party/dinner thing and invited 80 people (way onboard in my book but it was for his nieces new baby birthday) anyway..we went out Sat to help decorate and party was Sunday afternoon at 2. His daughter was getting dropped off by her Mom. Mother wasn't invited. I told them "She will come in..and I don't want a scene or anything at this little girls birthday party. " They didn't think she would. NG went up to my folks for lunch after church...he told his sister to text him when his daughter got there and we would head down. Sister called...daughter was there...Ex dropped her off..came in, strutted around..made everyone uncomfortable then left. They were appalled she came in scoping out the place for him/us. I know crazy. Better than most...continuing to stay one step ahead..but I know eventually we are going to run into each other.

My DH has Headstone on a single plot...smack in the middle of another huge families area. (Like he's surrounded by another last name family that I have no clue who they are). He was cremated none of his ashes are there-it was more of a Memorial place for my kids and all 3 of their names are on it under "Our Daddy"-His ashes are scattered in the WV mountains and I have a few set aside. So I never intended to be buried by him (I also plan to be cremated). I think really it's hard to say what you would do...like if you died tomorrow...sure for the kids sakes I would want to be buried next to their Mother. But shoot...if you live another 40-50 years with new wife-you've had a long life together, long history with the kids, grandkids, etc...You two may want to go off and be buried on your own elsewhere. Or maybe all you together I dunno. We can't control (well usually) when we are going to die. We can't control what circumstances are going to be around us when we die...I know it's easier said than done but she needs to relax and not worry about that stuff right now-Unneeded anxiety.

Selling house typec is huge...but it was very liberating when we sold. NG spent Easter afternoon/evening with my family. My parents really like him...-and they haven't liked anyone since DH died over 9 years ago. He had dinner with us, my brother even likes him. I am supposed to meet his huge (and according to him) dysfunctional family in a few weeks. I can tell he's nervous that Iit might scare me off...Four siblings each with a ton of kids...they all live way outta town in the country. I'm into him...his family culture won't steer me away. He comes over a few times a week when he doesn't have his daughter. On weekends when he has his daughter she's with us. His ex is still nuts. She pulled too many stunts this weekend to mention-but she was furious that I helped her daughter pick out her Easter dress (daughter was in a sunrise Easter service and spoke at regular service) I wish she would just go away. She telling anyone and everyone how hard it is on her kids adjusting to the fact that her Dad dumped her for another woman. Which he laughs at how delusional she is. I'm so done with crazy people...and he is so normal, stable and good hearted (not to mention HOT) We are vacationing together at a lake house in June with all the kids.

I get this....different situation..I wasn't seeing or serious with anyone when I decided to move..but had this very strong desire that my kids and I needed to get out of Stepford. I had been there 17 years..DH and I bought the house together, and it was time to go! And the cards all fell in place to make it possible for us to leave within 6 months of the decision. Yes, part of me was scared with the "What ifs".. but I knew I would regret it if we didn't move when we did. I don't miss that old life at all...except my neighborhood but I still keep in touch with them. (And btw Playboy neighbor is moving too this summer back to his hometown lol). If your gut and intuition is telling you to go...it's time to go. The universe will make it happen. I believe though that timing is everything.

Oh dang Trying she sounds like a whack job!! and again it's "I love being a Mom...I I I " not what is in the best interest of the kids. Dropping a 6/7 year old off at 6:45 am instead of letting them sleep and get on the bus at 8:30? Yeah that's really good for them..NOT! It's just her way of having "control" instead of looking out for the kids. Again....Middle School selfishness. Ugh! Sorry you are dealing with that nonsense

Ugh...that's awful for both of you-I really don't understand the selfishness with kids..Somehow their feelings and needs just get lost in all the ex drama. It's really sad..and I don't understand why a parents would want the child not seeing the other parent..It's almost like they've reverted back to middle school selfishness. NGs ex tirades (she started cheating in 2006..it was just a total mess) really affected his son who was only 12 when it started. And she's very controlling of this poor now 22 year old kid. The daughter luckily has him and all his extended family and is very grounded. But she's always upset when she's with her Mom and very on edge. I'm glad she's older so Mom can't take her across the country. But her Mom throws on her face all the time "When you graduate I am going to Florida...only 3 more years and I am leaving this place"--I've never been around this side of dating with toxic exes. I honestly feel like it's very middle school/high schooling except it's now involving kids too. She's not going to ever get a reaction at of me. I figure my best bet is to keep my nose in the air and pretend she's not around. I respect their daughter too much to ever have words with her Mom. All I can say is Karma is a bitch..and all her craziness is coming back to haunt her.

I think it helps that I knew of her since high school (we weren't friends but knew about her) and knew of him. Every person I have run into since we've been going out has said the same thing "Oh he's great ..and his ex is nuts"...she made quite a spectacle of herself over the past 10 years here. And she's only in my little town 2 days a week and has an apartment in the "city" 30 minutes away. Even my oldest son hears how crazy she is from his classmates (kids whose fathers went out with her, etc). No not affecting me and him. He doesn't talk much about it...but she's an emotional basket case. Her mood depends on who her latest man is and how things are going there. It's just bizarre behavior out of a 45 year old (well actually anyone). I'm just staying very low key here. He came to my sons baseball game last night and met my family...but that's a safe place I knew she wouldn't be. Maybe someone rich guy will marry her and she will move away. Oh I can hope. 😳

Luckily I am pretty good at predicting how crazies will react...Dodged a bullet Saturday morning...his daughter was playing in the band for our towns Chocolate festival-My daughter and I skipped it (even though NG and his daughter wanted us to go)...I knew her Mom would be in the area to pick her up at 2. And as predicted...she ran over to his sisters, Nieces, family during the parade (he was there) and caused a mild scene. Then started texting hateful texts at 11 at night when she found out we went to a friend of mines house for an Easter party. Then upset his son (whose 22) and daughter (15).. cause the son wanted to hang out with his Dad at his house (I wasn't there he lives out in the country).. But she said "Well I didn't want your soon to be siblings coming out here)" We've only been going out for 2 months. And they've been divorced for over 2.6 years...And she's dated dozens of men. He's awesome. She's bat shit crazy...like needs committed . Guess no relationship is perfect. Just staying one step ahead.

All 3 of my kids were so young (4, barely 3 and 3 months).. So essentially their whole lives it's just been me. The first few years...it was still new raising 3 kids solo...and especially my oldest had memories of his Dad. He's now 14...the memories are so faint even with him. And my 2 boys...who for the most part have no memory of their Dad..have his brains, mannerisms, looks..habits..Somedays it's really freaky especially my middle son..And when they ask questions it's almost like I am talking about a sperm donor as to how/why they inherited certain traits. The best of him lived on through them (oh he had plenty negatives too..but I don't see those traits in my kids). My daughter is all me...I don't see much of her Dad in her...my boys are all their Dad...it's fascinating. Not sad...it's just surreal that they've done so well (so far anyway).. and have pretty much never had a Father.

Good advice...I'm taking the high road. It does make it awkward for me, because the daughter and I get along so well and do have a lot in common (it's easy for me to talk marching band and dance class because I took from her and my daughters instructor as a kid and same with band). She wants a female adult role model-her Dad has told me that she's over the moon that we are dating. I don't want to overstep-and make life rough on the daughter....but I am also just being me. Like if Mom wasn't crazy...I wouldn't think twice of making her a little Easter basket. I still give little ones to all 3 kids and I bought extra girl stuff today for her if I make her one. Then I thought "Oh shit her Mom might go nuts and she's the one who will have to hear about it not me"(It's just little Dollar Tree stuff nothing at all fancy/expensive-it's just what I always do and wanted her to have one too. Sigh.

His daughter just returned home from a week long trip to Disney with the high school marching band. She bought my 9 year old daughter a little Harry Potter souvenir. With her own money..total surprise to me (and her Dad) but she said she wanted to cause my daughter loves Harry Potter books. Her Mom found it in her suitcase..started grilling her about who it was for...daughter told her she went nuts. Daughter called her Dad crying..he calmed her down..He was here is the only reason I know..he didn't want me really knowing all the craziness. She didn't buy it for me...it was for a 9 year old kid...yet Momma goes off on her to the point she calls crying. This is the kind of nutso stuff I am talking about. Again..I am fading in the background saying nothing but good grief.

Or I should say no memories for my kids... NG was over this weekend and the kids were showing him all our picture albums from trips, where we used to live, old neighborhood..old friends (He's a awesome guy listening to all their stories)...Album after album..talking about birthday parties, block parties in the old neighborhood...9.5 years of memories. Their Dad wasn't in a single memory. Sure if they came across a picture it was "Hey their is our Dad".. They speak fondly of him...they know him through me. Even my oldest has very faint memories now. It made me sad...yet also happy that I have still been able to give them a happy childhood full of good memories solo. They are only 9,12 and 14. For over 9 years it's only been me. And when NG helped me with hauling gravel, landscaping I told him how much I appreciated it and that I wasn't used to help in the yard except from my son. He asked "Didn't your late husband help you". And I paused and said "Well yes..we lived yard work together..but since him no...that's been a long time".. Wow. And it has. It seems now like a lifetime. I still think of him daily-my boys are carbon copies of him...but in my day to day life...it's hard now for me to remember life with him...with kids...I've been doing it solo so long I can't even envision it anymore together.

My life has simplified greatly since we moved. Smaller house/smaller yard..less than a mile to schools/ballfields (and I sub teach so work is very close I can run home for lunch) I miss living "out with space" but right now is the season for convenience. My kids are very involved...and living close to the school/gym/ballfields had made my life so much easier. Also my kids have to do chores that do save me time...they do their own laundry, take out trash, etc..simple cooking. I have 3 kids ages 9-14...No way could we do everything we are doing without the logistical changes that we made this year.

With all due respect don't think there is anything particularly male about your perspective there. Most of us, male and female, have been around the block enough at some stage to not stick with the wrong person, I suspect. The thing of course is that unless you have an amazing support system with family who will take the children frequently, your children will see everyone you are with - future or no future, and let's face it, most often you don't know which it is initially. The worry is children getting attached to people only for them to go. No shared custody etc of course so you can't keep your relationships separate. Some here do manage that very well and I take off my hat to you - I'd get too frustrated! I got lucky I guess, reconnected with someone from my past and it has worked, but even that is a risk of course. Plus there is the thing that in some cultures, thankfully not mine, a woman will be judged more harshly for having multiple relationships than a bloke, who may be seen as 'lonely' and needing sex etc whereas women are supposed to be entirely devoted to their children. Yes this. I've been doing this widow Thing for over 9 years. Haven't had a revolving door of men...especially in the past 5 years...but certainly made some mistakes. My kids are (and have been for several years) some of the most well adjusted well rounded kids you will ever meet. Sometimes we need to cut ourselves some slack.

Yep. That's what I am doing. And its a small town...my daughter had a spring musical at her school..The ex's sister was there watching her son. I got the glare the entire time. I ignored...and kept my nose in the air. Didn't even look her way. I am just going to stay in my own little bubble. His daughter brought he an ice coffee last week and yesterday when I was subbing at the high school. -This isn't my problem, it's the crazy ex and how she interprets anything (and yes..they've been divorced for 2 years..it's not like I was the "other" woman or something good grief)--I am good with kids..I always have been. If his daughter likes me, well that's just the way I am. I am not doing it to impress new guy..or make ex mad. That's just how I have always been. Why my house is always full of kids. Whatever parenting insecurities she has with her relationship with her daughter...it has nothing to do with me. That's all on her. Things are great with NG..I am going to just leave crazy ex outta the equation for the time being. Not my problem...at least not yet anyway

Oh yea...daughter told her Mom last Sunday...Mom went nutso. We are no FB friends but she's making an ass of herself thru social media. All dramatic and what a tough time she's having. She's been thru many men since the divorce-i am the first woman he's been out with since the divorce and she is nuts over it. The daughter likes me..and that fuels her anger. We all (all 4 kids) went to dinner and a movie last night..she was supposed to have her but went to a rock concert instead. -He has her 80 percent to the time. And yes my interaction with be brief and only when I have to. ,

I do realize their is 2 sides to every story. I'm sure she thought he was boring and a homebody. She likes to go out...like ALOT. She been a FB "acquaintance" for years and I've witnessed the trips/messes/break ups with other men..all of it. He's not on social media (always a good sign Lol).. He doesn't talk much about her at all..he's actually embarrassed. It's been from other folks who have made comments. Every single one.. "She's crazy" and "He's a good guy and the responsible parent" So not worried it's him.. It's my hometown..we are from the same high school and years graduated. The circle is small it's easy to check anyone out. It's a positive and negative thing about moving home but I made my peace with it before we moved. I'm just going to keep my distance...and maybe have a glass of wine before the public joint kids events.

Or maybe when she finds out I should just clear the air and be upfront. So their isn't that tense awkward junk going on at public kids activities. P

I've gotten pretty good at avoidance..our only face to face awkwardness will come from kids activities. High school football games-We will both be there (well she occasionally shows up to watch her daughter) Our daughters go to same dance teacher ...different classes (she's 15 my daughter is 9). But dance recitals, etc. My oldest is one year behind his daughter. They know a lot of the same people. In fact a few girls in his grade have said "He's really nice..especially now that he's rid of Crazy -----" This is the recurring them I've heard. And when I ran into her at the band festival this fall...she went on and on to me at how if she sees him with another women she will go nuts. (Even though she's been cheating on him since 2006..and has had dozens of men since divorce in 2014..she kept telling me she screwed up and want him back. This was the FIRST time I laid eyes on this woman since 1990! We did not hang out together since high school but she unloaded on me at this festival. He's damn near perfect for me from what I know so far...but I really really don't want to deal with her hysteria. (-and yeah she's been hospitalized for mental issues..she's a train wreck). Just hoping maybe my stand offish vibe will keep her away from me. She won't be mean or threatening but she's just nuts.