trying2breathe

Happy February - gosh this year is going fast isn't it? Things are going okay here - it's day to day with my Dad, he's frail and currently in a rehab facility. Life revolves around him right now and is taking up much of my time, but I'm grateful that he's still with us and hoping that he can recuperate enough to be content and comfortable. Good to hear your update, arneal - you do sound busy these days! I relate to letting the little things go and enjoying life in a different way. Maybe it's maturity and it's also relative to each of us, our coping skills and personal baggage. Certainly have those days when I stress the little stuff too, but for the most part realize what deserves attention and what I can let go. Glad that your NG is witnessing your growth and enjoying it too - maybe some of that will rub off on him too as you say. Any plans for Valentine's Day? I found a sweet card for NG today, will most likely just go with that and not a gift. I've always found it hard to gift my guy on Valentine's Day, I think it's such a contrived holiday that I usually ask that he do nothing big for me either.

So good to hear that you're moving forward, tybec. You openly shared and heard the thoughts of others, the support here can be so helpful.

DKnotts I'm so sorry for your loss, how tragic to lose your loved one suddenly and unexpectedly and so very young. Please take care of yourself, drink water, eat if you can and keep breathing. And know that there are others here than can relate. A big gentle hug to you ~

^This I'm at 7 years this fall, and relate to what you are feeling. My kids were 14 and 16 when he died, our lives are so very different now. I wonder sometimes how he would feel if he was able to see all that our lives are now. And I'm passive now on things that used to be important, widowhood has put a perspective on things that makes me care less about certain things.

Thank you, tybec My Dad is rallying, strong spirit and a will to live. "You just get through it". Yes ...

Thanks, arneal. Dad continues to decline, I'm getting into a better mindset to deal with this as we bring in hospice. NG is trying and I'm glad for that. If I cry, he runs for the hills - so I'm trying not to cry.

Going through similar thoughts too, as my daughter leaves to get back to college and my son recently moved out on his own. I miss my kids, yet I know that it's a good and correct thing for them to become independent. I sure would like to be sharing this bittersweet stage of my kids' lives with my late husband. I feel grief that my kids are leaving the nest, and I think the feelings are exaggerated by widowhood too.

New Year is off to a rocky start. My 88 y/o Dad is in failing health, has been in the hospital this past week and it looks like any day that he will no longer be with us. It's messy and not peaceful, we're fighting hospital staff to try and keep Dad comfortable. NG is noticeably absent for everything that I'm going through - not there emotionally but mentioned that he's more than happy to come over and hang up the wind chime that he gifted me for Christmas. I'm trying to give him leeway on why he's not supportive. His father had a traumatic brain injury at age 50, mother died young of an illness, his family were all long term caregivers and I know that death of a parent is an emotional thing for him. That being said - I'm mad that he's not capable of supporting me right now. Even a "how are you doing?" would be nice right now. Deal breaker with him? Not sure ...

Congrats and very best wishes to you!

Going to the dentist together? I don't understand this! Maybe each is trying to out parent the other? I considered myself to be a devoted mother and could not possibly attend everything!

CW Rant away, I get it. How long has NG been divorced? A constant ex on the scene? No. NG told me early on that it's an unraveling process to disengage from an ex. If this isn't starting to happen after some time (I don't know - a year post-divorce if not sooner?) I'd try and set some hard boundaries. It sounds like there are some unresolved divorce issues with his ex, if she is constantly interrupting. Maybe she's trying to sabotage his relationship with you, to be spiteful. Yes, divorced people should be handling some things on their own!! I asked NG several times when we first started dating whether he was getting into our relationship too fast, and he always said no. Almost three years together with him, and he would disagree, but I believe he did get into our relationship too soon after his divorce. It's messy. He would be dealing with his divorces and two exes chaos anyway and alone, and he is much happier coupled. Being with him means that I'm a participant in the family scenario - even if I'm on the sidelines. He is very willing to put up with added awkwardness of dating me and the drama of two divorces and his children. I guess I'm lucky (?) as his first ex lives far away, he speaks with her very rarely and just on issues about their kids. Second ex lives close - they continue to unravel their 10 year married life together, and live their lives separately. Our first Christmas together, at exes request NG hauled decorations out of her attic and helped to decorate her house, attended Xmas Eve with her family. I was shocked. Three years together and it's much better now. If it wasn't, I'd be long gone. I have my share of widow drama - in-laws that he will never meet, the family gatherings that he will not attend. Not easy, any of it. For me it's a balance of what I'm willing to put up with to stay with him. And he puts up with the widow drama that I carry, it's a choice for him too. arneal Interesting to get your perspective on what Dad has allowed - he lets them run the show. He doesn't set boundaries or speak up for himself and often takes the easy way out, avoiding conflict. But I think that NG's exes, so far, seem to be appropriately involved. His daughter's bio mom drove her 1,000+ miles to move, seems right that she spends a few days with her daughter to unpack and settle. Second ex (step-mom, didn't have kids of her own) partially raised her two step-daughters and considers them to be her own. There's some dysfunction - in a nutshell adults trying to over-compensate to these girls for two divorces and a lot of transition in their young lives. NG calls himself "Dad Light" - takes care of his kids financially but hasn't been there emotionally. So far exes are not interfering in our business, just involved in the issues with the kids. It will still be a tough time getting used to this new situation, and I don't want to be the cranky girlfriend making a fuss.

Enjoying some down time, tidying the house and putting away Christmas decorations. My daughter will be here for another almost 2 weeks, happy for that. Blending families - yup. Maybe it would be easier (?) to have "ghost" exes? I'm on the fringe of watching NG help his youngest daughter move in with him, and have two exes in town - bio Mom to daughter and step-mom - to welcome his daughter and help her set up household in his home. His daughter has a lot of support - all good. NG is stressed and uptight, and not functioning well. It's hard to be around him right now, I feel like telling him that I'll call him in a few weeks once the dust settles. I don't expect a fairy tale all the time, but it's not easy to see this side of him - not emotionally available to deal with what's going on. Makes me wonder how it would be if there was some serious issues going on - illness, etc. He takes the escape route it seems when things get tough. Invited to my brother's for New Year's, I may go alone. sigh .....

Sorry to hear about your Christmas Eve illness, tybec. Hope that you're feeling better and on the mend. What a strange encounter with your ex. It sounds like a weird cycle with him reaching out to you, what's he thinking? Sounds like somebody that doesn't know how to appropriately back away, allow the relationship to cool and let the healing continue. Agree with cathy that if you're ready to make a clean break - continue to block him!!

Happy post Christmas. Love the holidays but this year has been stressful, Dad going to a nursing home, my son deciding to pack up and move out unexpectedly, trying to blend with NG's family, decorating, cooking and gifts ... all that the holidays bring. Sigh ... have never been so happy to see December 26th. I complain but realize also the blessings, high class problems most of them. Had a good Christmas celebration with family and NG, his daughter joined us for Christmas dinner. She was quiet and mostly stayed to herself - I was too busy with dinner preparation to make an effort with her, not an ideal time to try and make a connection. It's better with NG this holiday - he is here and we're together, family is starting to accept that I'm part of the picture. Grateful for this. NG's second ex arrives tonite with their youngest daughter, this daughter moves here and in with her Dad this weekend. NG is super stressed, trying to juggle two exes, both of his daughters and me. I tell him not to worry about keeping up with me - I'm enjoying peaceful time at home with my daughter. Don't need or want to get into the family situation - too much chaos. This is why I don't want to marry him. Love this man, but No Thank You! sudnly Glad that you're adjusting to your new location, and sorry to hear of the hurt feelings with your kids. arneal If you lived closer I'd try and snag you an invite for next year's Buena Noche! Love Cuban food, adore the family and it's always a good time. Wishing everybody a good New Year's - no big plans here other than dinner at home and a bottle of champagne. I'll be lucky to stay awake til midnight!

arneal My son would be in the corner reading - if the gathering was loud, most likely would move to another room. Sometimes I join him Yesterday we celebrated Buena Noche, a few days early - with the Cuban side of the family. Thirty+ people, Cuban food, a wine tasting, music, I was happy to connect with family that I hadn't seen in awhile. My son tapped me on the shoulder several times during the evening, not really comfortable in engaging but wanting to connect. It's interesting to see him sitting alone and happy, my daughter in contrast a social butterfly. Have to appreciate what makes different people tick, all good. Happy Holidays, and for those that celebrate Christmas, a very Merry Christmas.

100peacocks Solidarity in this widowhood journey, I get it. Hope that an exception can be made for the late payment? I love the holidays but the stress of trying to manage it all is too much. Six years for me, yesterday I visited his gravesite and cried, hadn't done this in a long time. I'm hope for you for some peaceful days ahead, and that the high school program situation is resolved.

Rob Hope your Wednesday get together went well. Enjoyed the show, refreshing change from the usual Christmas music. My 23 y/o son - recent music minor grad - asked what I was listening to, he enjoyed it also. We know the Boston station, NG is from that area. Thank you for sharing!

It's interesting to get your perspective on this, arneal. With my kids, I wouldn't want to strong-arm them into doing something that they don't really want to do. Chores are a given, they're expected to help out with that. But with family gatherings, I feel that it should be a choice whether to participate. I've had conversations with my kids about how it's important to spend time with grandparents and show up, but I don't force them to do anything they don't want to. For the most part they're both there for the major holidays. My son is an introvert and doesn't enjoy big family gatherings, even with family that he knows. My daughter is the opposite, very social and she loves big gatherings. I respect how they feel, whoever shows up is fine with me - and sometimes my son isn't there.

Good to hear from you, klim. I'm on a similar time frame as you, with kids the same ages and a relationship of almost 3 years. I don't know if there is a right way to manage a blending situation, as I struggle with similar issues with my family. Gosh your lifestyle sounds kind of ideal, short-term, as long as your kids and your guy (and you!) are okay with it. My kids are accepting of my new relationship, one of his daughters is not, NG and I live separately but talk about living together at some point. My youngest also says that she doesn't want change, she wants to return home from college and have mom to herself in a house that she knows, without the constant presence of NG. I'm sensitive to my kids (maybe soft?) and also don't want to force anything on them, as well as on NG's two daughters. That being said, I don't deny myself time with NG, and my kids understand that he's an important part of my life. NG and I talk about getting a house together in the next year or so, there are still some family issues concerning kids to resolve before we move forward with this. It sounds like with time, your sons will become more independent, you can say "you're on your own", and you can then move forward with a full time relationship with NG?

Thanks for the responses, appreciate the feedback. You're right, serpico - asking him not to bring his daughter for Christmas dinner isn't right. Last night I asked him if he thinks that she would want to be here, and he said that he would pretty much demand that she join us. I don't think that's right either, and suggested that he let it be her choice whether to be here or not. Trying to take the high road, and hoping that eventually emotions will settle and we can get along. Fingers crossed .....

Although I respect Portside's view on this, think about taking care of yourself right now. Are you prepared to deal with the potential strife that reaching out to his children might bring? Not only a possible legal hassle, but the emotions that this might bring? Just my humble opinion, but you're fresh in this widowhood journey. There is time to reach out at some point, is this the right time for you?

Rob It's so good to have kids home, have the comfort and safety of your children with you. Wishing for you some peaceful days ahead. Widowhood puts a perspective on relationships. I realize that I have just so much room for heartache and pretty much shut down with strong sadness. Maybe it's a protection defense? What's your radio station, I'll listen!!

Great question, Julester - do you want more? It's easy to continue coasting in a relationship as is, are you happy with this? I'm also surprised at how limiting it can be to be with a divorced partner (2x with NG) and the factors that come into play that affect us together. I will deal with the same at Christmas as his daughter ping pongs back and forth with her step-mom, take a back seat to all that this brings, which is fine. It seems somewhat easier for me and my kids to move forward, especially in regards to his kids. It's true that kids aren't kids forever, but sometimes adult kids can be childish and a real pain in the ass ..... Had a good long holiday weekend with NG's brother and extended family, welcoming family and I think it went well. NG's eldest daughter was also there, still no relationship between us as she pretty much ignores me. It's very strange to try and deal with a 25 y/o that is not accepting of her Dad's almost 3 year relationship. I'm struggling again with upcoming holidays - plan to host Christmas festivities at my house, and NG tells me that his daughter will be here too. With the awkwardness that she brings, I don't want her here as it's very obvious that she's not happy. I would like to focus on my aging parents and my kids, and not have to deal with his cranky daughter. I would like to make plans and not include them, and let NG know why. Is it wrong to not want to include her too? Maybe it's selfish of me, but life is too short to be dealing with this. Would appreciate any thoughts on this - what would you do?

Started holiday shopping with my daughter Finalized Thanksgiving plans and dinner prep with my brother Continued a purge of the den - paperwork & junk It has been quiet here. At six years out, the grief is softer and getting through the day is a bit easier. But the holidays seem to bring about some deep grief that I don't generally feel the rest of the year. Thanks for the restarting this thread, donswife

Steph Ten years of no communication between him and his children? Agree with others that you don't owe them a thing.