trying2breathe

To learn how to navigate this journey called widowhood, in those early dark days to know that you're never alone. To have a safe place to share, ask and know that there are others that know this journey too. And as the years go by to continue to have that safe place to come back to, whatever we're feeling. I'm forever grateful for this site, it's been a lifesaver for me.

Glad that things are getting a bit easier this time of year, tybec. The family gathering sounds wonderful. A big gentle hug to you on your upcoming anniversary. Although this Christmas felt disjointed, we got through it all just fine. NG made the effort to spend time together with us, and have his adult daughters here some of the time too. The tension is easing with them, they both seem more receptive to their father having a GF in his life. Our family traditions took a backseat as we had several different gatherings and gift exchanges - oh well. My daughter mentioned that it felt different, kind of like a divorce situation, but that she was okay with it all. It's been a good but stressful few days. I'm tired, and happy to take the kids tomorrow for a visit with my in-laws for a few days. Lol - just putting that into words makes me laugh, never thought I'd say something like that.

There's an elderly man in my neighborhood that I occasionally run into while walking my dog. He mentioned recently that he was widowed and I responded that I was widowed too. No reaction at all - the conversation just continued. I also wanted to say - "hey wait - I lost my husband young, it was sudden and unexpected and I was left to raise 2 kids on my own!!" I get compassion from younger non-widowed people - thought that there would be some kind of recognition and compassion from older folks too. Strange indeed -

Oh Needy, sorry to hear that your eldest didn't join you. Sometimes there are issues going on that have nothing to do with us but it hurts nonetheless. LF I relate to adult children not being receptive to their parent's new relationship. It's been a very slow process for NG's two adult daughters to accept me - 2 years together and this Xmas things are slowly changing for the better. I hope with time her kids will come around too. At first I took it personally, and then realized that it had little to do with me.

Thanks, serpico - don't mind being picked on if taking a part of the responsibility can bring clarity for others in their situations. I am part of the mess, maybe others could be too. And yes, it feels really good to vent about it all 😀

Good points here, all of them. sudnly - what an abusive partner, I'd run fast from that too. Sorry that he didn't show his full colors until you were well committed to him. tybec I'm sorry that you also deal with the exclusion - it's not what I usually deal with and to go through this at Christmas with him once again is extremely frustrating. For you to deal with this a lot of the time is so unfair. For me, it will be a decision on whether to move forward like this or not. I realize that I contribute to this by refusing to have him meet my in-laws - Christmas Eve dinner they are here so he is not invited. He will have a dinner with his ex, daughters, and other family - I'm not invited. The next few days will be telling. I called him out on being excluded, he listened and then made plans for us all to spend some time together with all of our kids. It felt awkward to make demands, and I told him that I realized that I didn't have much of a say as GF. He's trying to set boundaries, something new for him. I hope to not judge his daughters' behavior, instead just see how he is with all of this. Christmas time brings on a level of stress that we don't deal with the rest of the year. He's trying. He does enhance my life, just not during the holidays. I add to this mess too. I feel like we're two people that are trying, but the dynamics are complicated.

Yup ^^^ I'm wondering on a future with him, when it's super complicated with everybody involved. In frustration, I suggested to NG that we take a break in December and meet up again in January - he didn't want to to do this. When his young adult daughters arrive - they're here just once a year at Christmas time - everything changes. I take a backseat to his children's and ex's schedule, am not included in the celebrations that he has with them. He manages the best way that he can, and I feel the stress of him trying to accommodate everybody. I realize as his GF that I have no say in any of this - but I do have a say on whether to continue with him in this way. sigh .....

Great discussion here. Bad behavior from an SO's child would be hard to take when you feel that the behavior should be managed differently. CW - it would be a stressful and unfair situation to be placed into and to try to deal with this. To echo others, it's a very good idea to take things slowly. Kids grow and mature, thankfully, That being said I've been careful and stand-offish with NG's adult daughters, perceive rude behavior from them that I feel should be handled differently by him. I haven't offered my 2 cents to him, instead react to his daughters with whatever is happening at the time. It's apparent that we will never be a Brady Bunch type of a family, as much as I'd like think that this could exist for us. So I feel very good about keeping separate households and a having a committed life with him without living together. Maybe some day - maybe not - we will re-visit this, but at this point I'm content having my own space and keeping financial and family issues separate. It's the only way that it will work for us right now. Can we maintain our relationship in this way indefinitely? Hmmm .....

Happy upcoming birthday, tybec - hope your celebration trip is wonderful. Good to know that you're in a routine with NG, whatever the circumstances, and doing okay. Hope that you can make it work and find the right trip to take together. arneal Yum - planning Xmas dinner already, I am too - thinking some kind of beef with mashed potatoes, and lots of veg sides. So I'm happily busy with Christmas prep, a much different feeling this year to be in a more festive mood. NG and I will again get into a different routine, our kids arrive soon and our time together will be a lot less. Recently told NG that I didn't see co-habiting until issues settle within our families - one that there is some kind of connection between me and his daughters, as of now there is nothing. And I need to come to terms with my in-laws and whether they meet him or not, it's much easier to maintain separate households right now. He asked what I wanted for Christmas - my response "I don't need anything". It's not about needing anything I realize - I don't want to force some kind of expectation of a romantic gift. Instead I suggested that we have a nice dinner out. He's okay with this, but I think that he would like to gift something and doesn't know what. Not sure what I'll gift him, but intend to get him something. It's hard to believe that it will be two years together with him in January - I'm happy with him, content in a way that feels comfortable. We're working through issues, not all is perfect - and we make the choice to move forward together. This coming year will be make or break, I believe - time will tell.

Congratulations and very best wishes, Leadfeather!

Great responses here, not much more to add other than say to your Dad what you need to and be at peace with that. You owe them nothing, those that know your stepwitch understand the real story. I hope you sleep well tonight too, no reason not to as you've done everything that you can to maintain the connection.

Sorry to hear of LH's uncle, arneal. My aunt passed away the Wednesday before Thanksgiving too - I was disappointed to not make it to her memorial service over the weekend, Chicago was pretty socked in with the weather. My cousins have lost both their parents within 6 months - my uncle was 91 and my aunt, 90. Full and happy lives, something to celebrate. Thanksgiving - with Mom's help my brother did okay with the turkey 😅 It was a small gathering with my parents, brother, me and NG. First time having all of us together and NG too, and I was happy that all went well. I think I worked the most, making all of the side dishes but I love to cook so all good. My family is very accepting of NG, wish that NG's daughters felt the same. Hoping that this holiday will be different as they will be visiting, alternating between NG and their stepmom, for two weeks, it was pretty disappointing last year to not connect at all with them. "I think that sort of recognition, of acceptance by the people who are in our lives, is much more meaningful than social media publication 😉 " ^^Yes, arneal - I'm not much into social media these days, and don't read too much into it. Altho I used to post occasionally on Facebook, I rarely do these days, mostly out of sensitivity towards my in-laws and NG's exes. I don't feel like posting photos of us together, would seem kind of like flaunting our relationship. And I'm a bit more private than that anyway. It is good to get the paperwork in order, at some point NG and I should think about emergency contacts, and some kind of legal documentation that would allow us to handle emergencies for each other. Still don't want to get married, but it would be nice to have some kind of legal recognition should something happen. Although, there's nothing at all wrong with leaving part of your estate to the dogs!

I wish you the best this holiday season, Needy. I'm like a kid at Christmas, love to decorate, cook, celebrate ..... about baking - my Uncle Harry, tough ex-Marine,, was the family Christmas cookie baker. He made the best Norwegian Christmas cookies of anybody in the family. RIP Uncle Harry, the recipes carry on but nobody baked cookies like he did.

Sounds like things are going well, happy for you, Virgo! I was slow in making introductions too, almost 2 years with NG and I'm still working on this. As for being skeptical, I feel this too - it's more of a feeling of vulnerability and not wanting to be completely open to fully loving again - a widow thing for me.

"So what is the correct thing to do in this situation? Make an early supper for my sons then go to new guys sister's place or do the same old thing feed my sons clean up and sit in the living room alone." Needy Great responses here, probably just me but I'd make a simple dinner for them and ask them to clean up, certainly enjoy yourself at new guy's house without your sons. It would be a chore to try and manage with them there. Sounds like their acceptance of your new relationship is going slowly, the holidays can complicate the dynamics of new relationships. Your sons have been patterned into a tradition of not celebrating holidays, expectations on having them begin to act differently now is unrealistic. As you enjoy celebrating, let them know this and perhaps invite them to join you in small ways in beginning new traditions. Are you putting up a Xmas tree? As for help in placing the star/angel/ornament at the top. Invite them to help you in baking cookies, hanging a wreath on the door, wrapping a present. Scale back on gifts if it doesn't seem important to them - perhaps hang empty stockings, filled Xmas morning with small gifts. Ask them to join you at breakfast at XX:00 to open their stockings. Baby steps, maybe they'll join you, maybe not - no pressure. There can be so much festivity during the Christmas season, your kids need a little direction on how to begin to make new traditions. Maybe if you show them in small ways how to start, they can grow to enjoy new traditions too?

Beautiful picture, thank you for sharing. Gratefulness indeed, so much to be thankful for -

My heart goes out to you too - those tough times make us long for our departed even more. Hugs and well wishes for continued healing

The CPR topic is very touchy for me - those that I've encountered that teach it sometimes have a positive "save a life!" attitude and sadly I know it differently. Maybe it's more of a keep the person going until help arrives. Hugs to you both -

This morning I took a refresher CPR/AED class, certification is necessary for my work. The instructor mentioned several times during the class that statistically CPR is effective less than 10% of the time. I listened and sat quietly and tried to hide some tears - some of these things are so hard to hear. DH died of a heart attack, and CPR didn't work for him. Five years later and this is still very difficult, wish that I didn't have to go through this class every few years.

"Come on I'll say, let's enjoy the holiday and surround each other with love and friendship!" ^^yes!! Thanks Forgottenwife, I needed to hear this. Love your positivity, will try to not let the in-laws attitude bring me down. Happy Thanksgiving everybody - hope it's a day filled with friends and family, love, gratitude and lots of good food.

Does sound delish, arneal - wish I lived closer! My newly separated brother is hosting, is cooking the turkey by himself this year - this should be interesting as he's never done one before 🤔 NG and I are bringing sides - probably some kind of baked squash, mashed potatoes, stuffing, some greens- and NG will bake his mother's cranberry cake. My mom makes her pumpkin pie, Dad will make the gravy. Yum - love Thanksgiving, and I'm really hoping to make it a somewhat relaxing holiday! Re. in-laws, I don't feel obligated to respond but do want to clarify. You're on the money that my in-laws have contributed financially, they started school funds for my kids in their names and pretty much covered college expenses for both of my children. Which was very generous of them, and appreciated by me. I think that this generosity makes me hesitate to call my in-laws out on their shit. I don't feel that I force my relationship with them, instead deal with them when they are around. And I don't force my kids to spend time with them, my kids are young adults and can choose to spend their time as they wish. The in-laws haven't (yet) been openly judgy with me - probably because I filter what they know of me - but they judge others in a loud and vocal way. It's pretty horrifying to witness them loudly criticize somebody's tattoos, style of dress or disabilities, when that person and others can hear. BIL and I have reacted to this behavior when we see it and ask them to stop, hasn't made much of a difference so far. Do I have an obligation to maintain this relationship, because they've paid for my kids' schooling? No - but my kids are in college right now, and I'm reminded of where their tuition payments come from. Are my in-laws acting inappropriately because they know that they can get away with it? Not sure - they are who they are, there's no mistaking that they're bigoted, biased and highly opinionated. What would you do? They're both in their mid-80's - there's no changing them at this point. They've said to me that they want for me to meet somebody and want to see me re-marry someday. Great to hear, I just don't want to share this part of my life with them and be subjected to their scrutiny and criticism. Want to add that I also feel an obligation to keep the connection because of my LH, I know that it's what he would want. sigh ..... tybec A big reach out and hug to you - I'm hurting that you're going through Thanksgiving again without your guy. It makes me angry, to be honest. He's your guy, and you should be included, period.

Thanks for the feedback, appreciate all of the responses. It's been stressful to try and manage this. And I wonder why I'm trying to manage something that's unmanageable. I need to put down ground rules, and it's difficult to face this head on and say it out loud to my in-laws that I don't want them to meet NG. The relationship with my in-laws is difficult because they are judgy and meddling, DH and his brother knew this and we've all handled the relationship over the years by not being entirely open and forthcoming with them. I don't do well with judgmental people either, have had to hold my opinion many times with the things they've said and done in order to avoid conflict, and have conversations later with my kids about their grandparents' bigoted actions and comments. My kids don't really like or respect their grandparents, I'm not sure they'd make the effort to keep in touch with them and I feel like the glue that keeps it together. With my in-laws, we've filtered our real life issues and not fully shared - BIL encourages this with his parents as it's "simpler this way". Unhealthy relationship, for sure. Seems I'm continuing this unhealthy pattern and trying to avoid a tough conversation. My in-laws continue to be in my life as my children are their only grandkids, and I also feel a responsibility to be there for them now that they're older. We've shared a lot over the years, now It's becoming more of an obligatory relationship for me, for them I'm what's left of their dear son and to severe ties I believe would be harsh. They live 4+ hours away so no frequent visits and I'm glad for this. Both of my kids are not with us for Thanksgiving, I'm breaking tradition this year and not hosting, I've said several times no we're not getting together this year yet they are still asking to come and visit my family. I need to put my foot down, again say no and be honest and say why - and it's difficult. Sorry for the long saga, if you're read through this so far thank you, it's helpful to suss all of this out in writing. I realize that this is a high class problem to have, given that I'm grateful to have NG in my life and a holiday to celebrate. I've been more than accommodating over the years. NG is my person - protect self, protect children, protect other loved ones - be happy, do what is best for me and my household. Repeat ..... On another note - what are your Thanksgiving plans?

Oh sigh .... I'm trying hard to manage logistics of Thanksgiving. My in-laws want to get together with my family, NG is with us this year and I'm reluctant to introduce them to him. I'm struggling - NG is so much different than LH. LH was straight-laced and button down, NG is not. My in-laws have been openly judgmental about others in the past, including loud comments about tattoos, of which NG has many. I don't want them to meet - don't want to experience what I think will be a fallout and my in-laws questioning me on my choice of NG. Need some feedback here - is it wrong to not want to make introductions?

With NG, I think it was the 3rd date that I mentioned being widowed when I knew we were getting serious. I waited awhile to tell my in-laws that I was dating, after they mentioned first that I should find somebody new in my life.

Back from two weeks away - me, NG and Joe - it was good to be away and so very good to get back home again and back to the routine. NG and I (and Joe!) got along pretty well during the time away, there were a few bumps along the way that weren't too much of a surprise. I don't think that NG and I grew any closer, but there has been clarity on some issues. The time together solidified for me that he's methodical, a fixer and a thinker, and the idea of doing romantic gestures doesn't come naturally. Not that he doesn't want to try, it just doesn't occur to him on what to do and how to do it. To him, if we're fed, provisioned and our surroundings are tidy all is good. 😁 For me to spell out that I needed more from him felt fake, but I did spell it out and he listened and was accommodating. With Joe there too there was a lot of bro energy, and I was happy to participate like a bro - but I needed the gestures from NG that I was along as his girlfriend. He listened, is trying and I appreciate it. Happy November - yes, time flies doesn't it? Nine months with NG, arneal - where has the time gone? Sounds like a commitment conversation may come soon for you? I'm happy that the holidays are approaching - it has been my favorite time of the year. It will be different this year, it feels good to take on a plan on how time will be spent this holiday and how and when to include my in-laws. It's taken this long to again appreciate the holidays, and to right now not feel an overwhelming sadness that DH is not with us. Although in-laws are hinting that they want to be included in on our Thanksgiving plans, I'm instead spending time with my family and NG - a first.