OSAAT

Hi sj85. Welcome to the board. I, too, am glad you decided to post. There are some pretty cool people here. I wasn't married either, and although parts of our stories are different, I can really relate to a few things you mentioned. Because of circumstances surrounding his death, I was treated more like an enemy than a stranger. Both leave you feeling awful. It intensely complicated my grief and added layers for me. I was grieving so deeply and became really depressed. The typical loneliness that a widda feels is enough, but mine was super intensified by those who called me names and judged me mercilessly. It was an intense uphill battle, that's for sure. I am happy to report that I no longer give 2 shits about any of the opinions of the judgy mcjudgersons. I gained a lot of freedom in letting that go. I hope things have eased up for you a bit. Please keep posting. It is a wonderful place.

Online dating is tricky and no 2 people are the same. Instead of 1 size fits all approach, I would suggest making decisions on an individual level. That is what I did. I always went for coffee on the first date (cheap, only have to stay for one cup but can stay for more if interested, people personally know me in that coffee shop so it felt safer). Online dating is tough. Many people will quit talking to you randomly. It is weird, really. There really is no rush. Take your time and have fun.

Thank you SM04 for stating exactly what I saw and felt. I put in my two cents and watched the ranting continue. I am sad at the loss of the posts and old timers, but have had to learn to adapt to life. Yes, it is sad and you can be angry, but why start a new board on that note? No one needs to like or understand the reasoning behind it closing (i don't), but we need to move forward. We have a brand new opportunity here. I am also glad it was unpinned. No need for that at all. HUGE HUGS MARY! I am glad to see you popping up on the boards again!

There was another post on the old board called "out from under the covers". There was a reference to the episode on Sex and the City when Charlotte needed a "rabbit intervention". That is all i keep thinking about when I see this thread. It was a great episode btw. LOL.

Fleur, Thank you for posting this. I have to say that the saddest thing for me with YWBB ending is the wisdom and experience of the members who were there long before me. They would simplify things down in a way my emotional brain could understand. I always appreciate people who do that, as I feel I articulate poorly. I had been lurking for a long time on the old board, so when I did pop in, no one really knew me. I was never in the "in" crowd and never went to bagos, so most didn't know me. I can't say I was going to leave the old boars for a while, but when I heard they were shutting down I went into panic mode. I was incredibly sad. Just really sad. Not two of my favorite emotions. I was so glad some people stepped up. I wondered quietly how the new moderators would moderate. Some of them are friends, so what happens if you have a run in with one of them or their friends? It left me unsettled a bit, and still does. I am hoping it will all work out. I have to say that I have been SOOOO incredibly happy to aee older wids posting on this new forum. MissingJoan, Jill, Mokie, Munsen, and even older ones I did not know existed. Thank you to all of you. You have made the transition a bit easier. And all of you, please stay.

This is so true. Thank you for sharing. The quote "time heals all" is complete and utter BS. We have to first make a decision to change, and then learn to adapt and change and go with the flow. Learn to live life on lifes terms, not our own. Time is neutral. What we do with that time is what makes all the difference.

It is really great to read everyones experiences with this. For me, it is hard for me to pinpoint EXACTLY when the active grieving ended. The first two years were horrendous. I had so much guilt and shame about his death. From that deep guilt and shame sprung major depression. I then went on anti-depressants and became numbed out to everything and was processing nothing, I couldn't. The meds had me numbed out. I went off the meds, did intense grief work and worked my way out of the depths of hell. I was thoroughly confused the first 8 months or so thinking my depression was my grief. I explained to people on the board that I was always crying and sad and would have a wave of reprieve. I heard them explain grief as coming in waves, but for me, my reprieve came in waves. After the first two years of active grief and depression, I was able to work myself up and out of that. I dated for quite a while and ended up in a 7 month relationship that ended last year around this time. I ended it because I wasn't ready, but knew I had to put myself out there. I am looking at starting to date again. It is really something I want to do. We will see what happens! I want to add that I don't personally equate dating with BAG. For me, I have had to work through my stuff and become ready to date first. I was BAG for more than a year before I got into a relationship. I will keep you all updated in social situations

Fuck the insensitive prick who attacked me by saying I was dishonest because I still love J. (According to dickwaud of the fucking century) If I tell a new guy I am dating that I still love J, I am stirring the pot, and if I don't tell, I am dishonest. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?? FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON. FFS!!

Hardwood. I have hardwood floors now and never want carpet again. Four seasons or 75 degrees year round?

How did some of you make the picture so large???

The first photo is of us a few months after we started dating. The second picture is us a few years later around Christmas time. He was so handsome.

Thank you for sharing this personal and intimate aspect of your grief. I am 4.5 years out. J was an alcoholic and I left him 4 months before he died. I struggled with that for so long. "If I had stayed" blah blah blah. I think deep down I still feel guilt to some degree, but not like I did. This is a tough thing for so many wids. So glad you shared, Pam.

This is exactly what I suspected. Glad someone was able to get the message and post it here. Thank you! And she was right. People stepped up out of desperation and did a wonderful job. I thoroughly enjoy this forum and layout. It is much more user friendly. I am quite sad at the loss of the history, but I have had to learn to go with the flow. It's not always easy, but it is the best option for me.

Hi JacklessSally, One Step at a Time here. I was not married to J. That was one of my biggest apprehension into being accepted by other widows. To top that, I left him before he died because the alcoholism wreaked havoc on our relationship. I could not sit back and watch it all crumble and I could not leave. It was awful. I left and he went downhill fast. He ended up dying from huffing. The night he died, I found out he had been sleeping with a lady from work and she was preggers. I was then 2nd class and "just his ex". I was treated like I did not matter. I was told I was a psychopath and would receive nothing of J's. I felt so much shame from all of this. It sent me into an awful depression for 2 years. I felt unworthy of grief, but I was grieving so hard so I tried to hide it and tame it. That only made the depression worse. It was so painful. 4.5 years later I am beyond active grieving and beyond the awful depression. It is very freeing to not be caught up in that still. My heart goes out to all of the new wids!

I was trying to explain some of the complicated grief I have experienced to a friend, which is my fault. I know better. He asked if i still loved J. I said yes. I said I still loved my first love, too. He said well I see why you've struggled with dating (I am thinking WTF does that mean). I asked what he meant and he said "it is tough for a man to swallow that his gf loves other men". I responded saying well, I am not shouting it in their faces or wearing t-shirts. And his response was "its a rock and a hard place to secretly love other men while trying to build an honest relationship with a new man. I don't envy you". WTF was that? And who said I was secretly hiding anything you dickwaud? My response was "just because you're no longer in a relationship or someone dies does not mean you stop loving them. It is not that simple". I don't even know what to say. I am completely speechless (for once).

Alcoholism is an illness. The manifested symptoms are different from cancer or diabetes and that's where the confusion comes in for many people. The alcoholic obsesses about alcohol, drinks the alcohol, then craves more alcohol. They react very differently to alcohol than non alcoholics. I have found the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous to be a great source of information on alcoholism, the best I have found, actually. There is a chapter titled to the wives that is full of great information. It is hard to see it as an illness when it causes so much pain and destruction in relationships, but it definitely is an illness.

_Bluebird_, I had a similar type dream. I can't remember if it was before or after J's death. I was in a hotel with him and he was acting weird. I could not find my car and went back into the hotel room. I told him I was leaving for good, tjat I could not do it anymore. He, with his head down, said good, then I can get back to doing what I want to do (drinking). I left and that was that. As for realizing I could not save him, that did not sink in until after he died. I had a deep hope that I somehow could, but always was faced with my powerlessness when he would get drunk. It was awful. I am relieved to not be in a relationship with constant worry and sadness. Alcoholism sure has a way of destroying things.

Hi everyone. I am just past 4.5 years out. I was talking to a lovely woman before I found YWBB who told me she was widowed young and suggested I find a young widow grief group, so I googled "young widow grief group" and found YWBB. I was completely shaken to my core. I have a lot of very complicated circumstances surrounding J and I's relationship and his death, so instead of giving you step by step circumstances, I will sum it up the best I can. When I met J, I was not intially attracted. As some time passed, I found him very attractive on different levels. We shared common struggles in our past and bonded quickly. He was sober when I met him. Shortly after we started dating, he relapsed. I did not recognize the man in front of me. It was like Jeykll and Hyde. He had a dirty outfit on and looked totally different. I told him I could not stay in the relationship under these circumstances. He struggled for a bit, but regained sober footing. He was sober 2 years. It was not all great. We both struggled, but loved each other deeply. It was hard to say the least. He had more relapses and I left him. It was too crazy. After a horrendous relapse he had, he sobered up again. We were in contact. Then the person he was drinking with, died. That messed him up. It was a quick slide downhill. We were supposed to get together for dinner to talk. The last I talked to him he was sober. He showed up at my door, his behavior and the look in his eyes told me, but i denied it to myself. He went to the bathroom at the restaurant about 4 times to snort something. He was so discombobulated and his pupils were the size of the head of a needle. I was so sad and so hurt and so humiliated for thinking it would be different this time. I knew I had to completely let go and trust that God would take care of him. I knew we just were not good for each other and it brpke my heart. We had a conversation and ended it. He really went off the deep end.. 2 DUI's in 5 weeks. Then he had to get drug tested/blow to ensure he wasn't using/drinking, so he started huffing computer duster. They couldn't test for that, so that is how he got by. He ended up in the ER with 2 head injuries before he died. One visit he got stitches and the other visit he got staples. He had been huffing and passed out and hit his head. The day he died, he started out sober. He had contact with some of our mutual friends. They said his eyes sparkled. He went and bought computer duster and stood at the foot of his bed (to prevent more injuries to his head) fell face first in his pillow, passed out, and suffocated. His death was a very tragic thing. He was a great person, but just cpuld not get honest with himself about himself. On many levels I still process our time together, his death, and circumstances and people surrounding his death. I am Beyond Active Grieving, and have been for 2 years or so. His tragic unexpected death sent me into a tailspin. I went into major depression, but did not realize it. I thought it was the grief. I thought about suicide everyday, but i just could not complete it. It has been a ride, that is for sure!

I read your first response, AC, and was sooo confused. I thought something was wrobg with me. HA!

I just did not know what it meant. Thank you for clarifying.

Under the avatar there is something that states: karma +0/-0. What does this represent? Thanks

Haha!! So glad this made it over here!!