Guaruj

I only had problems with sleep during a brief period of intense rage. Otherwise, I seem to sleep OK. All I can recommend is doing the things that keep your body on a regular cycle: Make sure you eat well, and at regular mealtimes. Get some exercise outside during daylight hours. Your dog would probably be glad to help you do this. Don't stay up too late. Consider going to bed early. Don't drink too much alcohol. That is known to disrupt sleep. That's not the worst time to wake up, though I wouldn't recommend any earlier. When I was first widowed, I set my alarm for 5:00 AM instead of 6:00. That way, I could visit my wife's grave for 10 or 15 minutes and still get to work early. Now that 14 months has passed, I still have my alarm set for 5:00, even if I don't go to Catherine's grave every day like I used to. I hope you sleep much better tonight. |+| M a r k |+|

Wow, I had no idea so many of you would respond so soon. I knew I wasn't alone with this problem, but I didn't know it was as big a problem for others. I really appreciate all of these replies. I did want to clarify one point I made earlier... ..which drew this reply: I agree with you regarding my current friends, the ones who also knew Catherine. They can deal with the fact that Catherine's stuff is everywhere exactly as she left it. It's through their eyes that I comprehend how eerie my home can be now. As for a "potential future situation" - I truly want such a future situation, and preferably not too far into the future. I don't want to lose such an opportunity by ignoring the fact that Catherine's belongings occupy more space than my own. |+| M a r k |+|

It's been 14 months since Catherine died. If she walked back into our home today, she would find most of her things exactly where she left them. And this house contains mostly her things.We shopped for the furniture together, but she decided where to put it. The chair she put in corner - against my objections - is still there. The walls are decorated mostly with her artwork; that's what kept her busy once she couldn't work any more. I don't use paper calendars myself, but we have 3 or 4 displayed which show the month July 2014. Her bulletin board is contains several notes to herself. At least one tabletop still has a mess she left behind. I did give some things away to Catherine's mother and sisters, but there is still so much more. I avoided this issue for a year and a day, and that year and a day is well in the past. I must do "redistribute her wealth", because it will otherwise keep me from moving forward. It's peculiar to have friends visit me like this and watch them realize that most of the things in this house were put there by someone no longer alive. It's absurd to consider any kind of romantic relationship under these circumstances. It's always hard for me to let go of things I've owned for a long time. I don't like to be wasteful and I also tend to be sentimental. Letting go of Catherine's things is likely to be painful struggle. I'll probably feel better once it's done, but I anticipate a lot of pain in the process. Has anyone found an effective, systematic way for respectfully giving away their spouse's belongings? Thanks - |+| M a r k |+|

I prefer Saturdays to Sundays, but I'll gladly come out on a Sunday if that works for everyone else. I have plans for Saturday 9/12 and Saturday 9/19. Everything else is flexible. I hope we can do this soon. The Vineyard Bago was 4 months ago, but it feels more like 6. |+| M a r k |+|

I agree very much with this: Our cat provided Catherine with companionship while she recovered from cancer treatments and I was at work. Now that Catherine is gone, I feel I owe this cat a happy life. He's laying behind the computer monitor as I type this. Caring for someone (or something else) gives structure to your life. Anne, I'm sure your dog misses your fiance, too. Please hang in there, and stay in touch with us. |+| M a r k |+|

I remember my first week of college being both exciting and scary. I hope he (and you) are doing a little better each day. By the way, I enjoyed chatting with you on Thursday night. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi Mike - I don't blame you for feeling bothered by that T-shirt: It's a joke in poor taste regarding a sensitive subject that is painful for you. Do you spend your workday discussing the "racks" of your female co-workers? Of course not; that's obviously inappropriate. Most men know that such behavior would endanger their standing with their employer. If she wears that shirt again, I think you should politely let her know that it bothers you. She may have mistakenly assumed that you would be pleased with her "effort" to raise cancer awareness. My wife, Catherine, died of a rare type of cancer called sarcoma. She was in treatment of 8 years and had to rely on experimental chemo regimens when she ran out of FDA-approved treatments. She and I were both upset with some of publicity surrounding cancer research fund-raising. I had to remind my co-workers that not all cancers are curable. Not by a longshot. |+| M a r k |+|

You might have widda-brain if: Your refrigerator has become an archaeological trove of old food. "I just discovered one half of a Prosciutto di Parma twin-pack from Costco. Yay!" [*]"Thank you for this wonderful bottle of wine." "I know you gave us a beautiful corkscrew as a wedding present (10 years ago)..." "...but I don't know where it is (because I use something else)." "Oh, here it is (right under my nose, in its original box)" (Yay!) [*]You frequently "rotate the stock" in your liquor cabinet, and yet... "How did this box of Cape Cod Saltwater Taffy get in here?" (Yay!) "The last time I went to The Cape was with Catherine 5 or 6 years ago." "We didn't move to this house until 3 years ago." "My sister-in-law must have given me this at Thanksgiving." "...that was only 9 or 10 months ago." [*]"Forrest Gump would have loved saltwater taffy..." "...because you never know what you're gonna get." "...but get rid of the peanut butter flavored taffy ASAP." "...because that's always the nastiest flavor." [*]Those "stock rotations" lead you to write posts such as this on a Thursday night before a long holiday weekend. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm in chat right now. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm glad you have friends to support you like this. I only raised my earlier questions because I saw how badly you were feeling in recent posts. I hope you have a great time! |+| M a r k |+|

I think it's great that you want to take this issue head-on like that. I have to ask, though: How will you feel when people start asking you insensitive questions? Do you really want other people treating your husband's death like it's some kind of joke? I'd be furious for your sake if they did. Most (but not all) people know better than to do these things, but some may assume that such a costume encourages them otherwise. I'm glad that you're ready to go to parties. I wouldn't even go to a restaurant for 5 months after my wife died. Whatever the case, you don't deserve to be hurt right now by people who get the wrong ideas about what you're going through. All of us here know that widowhood is awful. I hope you have fun with whatever you choose to do. |+| M a r k |+|

Obviously, they are people with nothing better to do. How boring their lives must be. |+| M a r k |+|

I will be there! Thank you for organizing this! |+| M a r k |+|

That question bothered me well before Catherine died. She had to endure so many awful cancer treatments over several years. When people asked me how I was, it felt so dishonest to say anything too positive. So, for years, my standard response has been "I'm OK". Only recently have I started to say "good" again. "I'm OK" is still my habitual response. |+| M a r k |+|

I couldn't stop thinking about this issue while I made dinner tonight. I've been to two bagos so far. The first was in March about 1 hour's drive from where I live. @DonnaP organized that bago and her husband @MrDrew came with her. As many of us know already, both of them were previously widowed when they married. I really enjoyed meeting both of them. They both went out of their way to include everyone who showed up that day. In no way did they "cling to each other" during that luncheon. The second bago I went to was in May at a winery in Connecticut organized by rifatheroffour, about 2 hours drive for me. I socialized very little (and even less in groups) during my first year of widowhood, and it probably showed. I think DonnaP recognized that and was especially nice to me that day; she hugged me at least twice. I must say that I am glad that the widow/ers I have met through YWBB and widda.org are much friendlier and more supportive than those described by Helen at her disappointing meet-up. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi Peggy - Welcome to these boards. I'm so sorry this happened to Chris. Anyone who reads your post can tell that you love him - it's very touching. I hope you find it helpful to stick around here. |+| M a r k |+|

Helen - I'm really sorry that this meet-up turned out the way it did for you. I would also have been disappointed. It would certainly been the last occasion that I met with such a group. Of course not. But I agree with the others that this group must have, collectively, forgotten its sensitivity towards widowed people, which is presumably the reason it exists in the first place. I must assume that many of these couples had one non-widowed partner. For those couples, I don't think it's helpful for that partner to be there. If I found a new girlfriend, I wouldn't bring her to a bago unless she was also widowed. Again, I'm sorry you had this experience. It sounds just lousy. |+| M a r k |+|

I absolutely agree with this. Widowhood is NOT divorce. I never wanted this to happen, but I am still proud to be Catherine's widower. I will remain her widower even if I should remarry. Again, I cannot agree more. |+| M a r k |+|

MrsDan, I'm haven't yet started dating since Catherine died, so I don't think I can give you much advice. I do hope you enjoy meeting this guy. I agree with everyone who said "sooner is better". Personally, I consider the fact that you're widowed to be a big "plus". I know I'm not the only widower who feels that way. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm not a parent myself, but I was a teenage boy once upon a time. I pretty much agree, although I remember 6th, 7th and 8th grades being the worst years of my life. I still feel that way even after 8 years of Catherine in cancer treatment and 1 year of widowhood. 9th grade was a big improvement over the previous three years. How about basketball? It sounds like he needs a good physical outlet. He'll probably be less difficult if he comes home tired from after-school sports practices. |+| M a r k |+|

This is a tip worth repeating: In 2012, I bought a pack of 36 microfiber cloths at Costco for roughly $16. These cloths were intended for car detailing because they are very absorbent and leave very few fibers behind. I use these cloths in place of paper towels for so many things, but mostly for wiping countertops and wiping spills off the floor. I wash them in the washing machine with my clothes but never put them in the dryer. They dry very quickly when I hang them up. Now, nearly years later, I still have at least 5 of these cloths still in the package - I haven't used them yet. I've even given a few of them away to family and friends. Meanwhile, I could have easily spent 9 or 10 times as much on paper towels. I typically use just one full-size paper towel a day. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi SailorGirl - Congratulations on finding someone new and starting over. I'm sorry that you're feeling a little confused or even disappointed right now. Are there any clubs or other organizations you can join to make some new friends? That worked me for after I spent most of my 30's being single and lonely. I actually had to try a couple of different clubs before I found something that really worked for me. I made some of the best friend's I've ever had that way. It sounds like you need to make some friends who are primarily your friends instead of your husbands. At some point, maybe the two of you can also socialize with other couples. I hope things get better for you soon. |+| M a r k |+|

I haven't had these problems myself. I do know that lack of sleep will make it very difficult for you to function during the day. The only non-medical action I could recommend is physical exercise, outdoors in the daytime if possible. Even taking a long walk in the afternoon helps. It's perfectly reasonable to see a doctor about this, too. You need your sleep. |+| M a r k |+|

Quiet day for me, too. I took my parents to Costco so they could piggyback off my membership there. Went grocery shopping and had a decent workout at the gym. Had steak, french fries and half a bottle of wine for dinner. Popped in and out of the boards periodically. I'm actually getting tired now that it's 10 PM; I got up at 6 this morning (which is "sleeping in" for me since Catherine died). I have happy memories of an awesome time in NYC two weeks ago. I'll call some friends up before next weekend. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi MS - Let me just say again that I'm sorry you lost your doggie. Everyone seems to be different when it comes to getting a new pet after losing a close one. I really didn't want a new pet after I put my 13-year old cat to sleep. Catherine, one other hand, wanted another cat 6 months after we lost her 12-year-old kitty. I think part of that was that we had just moved. She may have also had some intuition that her cancer was returning. Dobermans can be wonderful dogs when they have the right people caring for them. I once lived in a row house in Pittsburgh. We had a crazy neighbor who wanted a "tough dog", so he got a male dobe named Quincy and treated him awfully - kept him outside the house on a chain leash, starved him, never washed him and occasionally beat him. My roommates and I started feeding him dry dog food and leftover meat. After that, Quincy loved us. He guarded our house the same way he did his own. I would sit outside with him and he would put his head in my lap. He left spots of doggie drool on my jeans. I was really torn when we had the SPCA take him away. Can you give yourself a little time just to reflect on what a great dog Pru was before you get another pet? |+| M a r k |+|