Guaruj

I do know this feeling very well, because I have wanted to call Catherine on the phone while I'm at work. Sometimes I wonder if I called her enough when she was alive. This is one reason why I so frequently visit her grave. I talk to her while I'm there. It's not the same as a phone call to a living person, but it's the best I can do. |+| M a r k |+|

MissingSquish - I'm very sorry to hear that you lost your poor doggie. I hope you keep your friends nearby and your chin up for the next few days. |+| M a r k |+|

This does, indeed, resonate with me. I'm at 13 months out myself. I didn't want to travel anywhere in the first year, but I made two exceptions at 11 months. At that point, I wasn't used to being surrounded by so many strangers like that. Certainly not with your husband, and I'm sorry that this trip confronts you with that fact. I do hope that, someday, you'll be once again greeted at your destination by someone you love. |+| M a r k |+|

Deb - I am so sorry that your mother is causing so much trouble for you and your family after all that has happened. When I read this, I thought "counseling isn't enough, she should be hospitalized" (FYI - I have no medical credentials whatsoever). Your mom sounds like she needs more than just counseling. If she tries to harm herself (or anyone else) again, you should get the police involved. In the meantime, it sounds like you need to work with the rest of your family to keep your mom under control. I hope that this happens soon; you have enough to deal with already. |+| M a r k |+|

Let me tell you all what happened at work today. I work for a big company that has several large facilities in my state. Today I went to a meeting at a different location and saw several of my old co-workers. I followed one guy to his office and learned that his office mate is a woman I've known for years. She's a real sweetheart, and we were both happy to see each other. So we both hugged and kissed each other - at work, in her office. I asked her how her children were. She told me that her daughter just had a baby. I was astounded. She showed me a baby picture on her computer screen. My eyes went back and forth between the picture and her. I said to her "well, you're cutest grandmother I've ever seen!". I don't think anybody expected to hear me say that after being widowed for 13 months. I think I'll be ready to start dating again soon. |+| M a r k |+|

I think you nailed a big part of the problem in that sentence. Compounding this problem is that YWBB was shut down so abruptly that many members never found their way to the temporary site we used prior to widda.org. If it weren't for the fact that Wheelerswife and I were exchanging messages at that time, I would have never found my way to widda.org, because she notified me that YWBB was shutting down. I was activated on YWBB around New Year's Day 2015. I found YWBB by doing a Google search for something like "online widow support group" or "bereavement support groups online". I just tried both of those searches. In both cases, I couldn't find widda.org anywhere in the first 5 pages of search results. In the second search (which I believe led me to YWBB), I found a support group for people who had lost pets but not widda.org. I may have missed something - I encourage others to search and see if widda.org appears. If your results are like mine, then it would make sense for widda.org to improve its search engine ranking and drive more traffic to this site. Does anyone have direct experience with this? I write software myself, but my experience with search engines is slight and not especially relevant. I'd still like to help. |+| M a r k |+|

I just came back from the best weekend I've had since Catherine died. It was another inline skating club weekend, but this time it was in New York City. I still don't know how many miles I skated on the city streets, but it was something like 15 miles in Manhattan, 20 miles in Brooklyn, 8 miles on Staten Island and 8 miles in Williamsburg. My legs are sore - in a good way. The weather was beautiful. I traveled with a good buddy of mine who has persistently helped me re-establish my social life. I also had plenty of friends with me from my Boston skate club who knew Catherine and understand what happened to her. There were also a lot of great people from NYC and other cities. It's been 13 months since Catherine died. It has been, by my own choice, the loneliest year of my life. I am so much happier now than I was this time last year. In that one small respect, I consider myself lucky. |+| M a r k |+|

Donna - I am sorry to hear that you feel excluded by other members of your family. I haven't experienced this myself - yet. Here are my questions about inviting everyone along: Are you ready for the risk of them spending all their time talking to each other and excluding you? Are you ready for one of them to mention (previously unknown) things they did without you? Would it be easier for you to start with just one couple and work from there? I hope that they're not doing all of this deliberately, but instead just sticking with what's comfortable and familiar to them. I'm surprised that it's taken them more than 30 days to do that. Good luck with all of this. |+| M a r k |+|

Just ate a steak, french fries and a glass of wine. Burned my forearm on the oven door. I'm getting ready for bed because I have a busy day tomorrow. On Thursday morning, I'm catching a bus for a weekend trip in NYC. It's nice that I no longer have hang-ups about traveling. |+| M a r k |+|

I'll be out of town on August 8 myself. Ironically, I'm headed to NY while MissingSquish is head to NE. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi Donna - I'd gladly meet you and Drew again in Worcester. I hope we can do this soon. |+| M a r k |+|

I would be very happy to meet any and/or all of you in Portsmouth. Any time after August 10th should work for me. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm sorry this is so tough for you. I just finished my first year on July 4. Are you taking your dog on walks every day? Just getting outside and seeing him enjoy the outdoors might help a lot. |+| M a r k |+|

I got to be my "old self" again this weekend. Last year, my inline skating club had a big weekend event 1 week after Catherine died. In fact, that event started on the day of her funeral. I was very flattered that so many people from the club came to either her wake or her funeral. So, exactly one year later, I got to do the things I volunteered to do last year. These were things that I did before I met Catherine. I was outside, I was exercising and doing things that other people needed me to do. This was the best weekend I have had since she passed away. Perhaps the best thing about it was that I was wearing Catherine's skates. Yes, my wife and I had the same shoe size. I needed a pair of skates that was broken-in but not broken-down, and hers fit that need perfectly. It made me happy to know that she was helping me do this one year after she died. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm sorry I didn't see this sooner. July 4th was not a happy day for me, either. It will never again be the "4th of July" for me. I hope you were able to find some way to remember this and feel happy about the good times you two had together. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm a little late to catch up on this one... I still watch some trashy TV just for laughs. I used to watch Bizarre Foods and laugh at it. I later found Man vs. Food even funnier; we Americans seem to celebrate gluttony. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi Jodi - I'm sorry that so many problems are popping up like this right now. It sounds like you have a lot of loose ends to take care of. This sounds like an excellent source of support to me. If I were there and you told me your lawnmower broke down, I'd look for a way to get your lawn mowed and your mower fixed. I would suggest that you call somebody you know from the church - can you call the pastor? All you need to do is tell them what you told us right here. Hang in there. Things will get better if you keep trying. If people are offering to help you now, please accept it now. Eventually they will leave you alone out of respect, and it doesn't like you want that right now. |+| M a r k |+|

I should have known that he also liked to tease you. I have some experience with that, too. As a school teacher, I'm sure you know what it means when someone teases you. It means that he likes you. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm sorry this is happening to you today. You're making some big changes now, aren't you? Could that be causing you additional stress? I am always amused when you remark that Kenneth told so many dirty jokes, and was quick to make a dirty parody of songs on the radio. That was something I always did, and it drove Catherine crazy. After she died, I cut way back on that habit, but it still comes up now and then. I hope you feel better soon. |+| M a r k |+|

It's a quiet night for me. I just got off the phone with my mother-in-law. I'm going out to dinner with her and my sister-in-law one week from tonight (July 4), which is the 1-year anniversary of Catherine's death. We're going to a Chinese restaurant and hoping to avoid all the holiday celebrations. I'm sitting here with a small glass of bourbon and a tall glass of lemonade. I'm wearing - believe it or not - my long-sleeve Tommy Bahama pajamas. It's a cool evening and I don't want to turn the heat on. |+| M a r k |+|

Maureen - I hope you continue to enjoy your trip. I recall reading elsewhere about mother-in-law #2 blaming you for your husband's death. Having read your more recent posts, I can see that she's simply unable to think reasonably. You are very kind to save some time for her during your travels. |+| M a r k |+|

I got an answer to my question last night in an unexpected way. I went to do my regular Wednesday volunteer activity and was ready to ask that Charming Girl to lunch. I brought a pen and paper so I could write down her phone number. She didn't show up, but I was prepared for that. I had already composed an e-mail to her and sent it from my cellphone. In the message, I said that I was sorry she couldn't make it, I said I'd like to call her, and I asked her for her phone number. I did not ask her to meet me for lunch; I would only do that in person or over the phone. I then went about my business and had a great time. Some old friends showed up, as well as some other people I hadn't seen in a while. When I got home, I saw that she had replied to my e-mail a couple of hours after I sent it. She said she had been busy. She asked me if we could talk when I saw her next week. She also said some other nice things. She did not include her phone number. That told me all I needed to know. I waited a couple of hours and sent her a message to say that, of course, we could talk next week. She sent me a friendly reply early the next morning. That makes two messages from each of us, and everything was pleasant. I really don't want to think about this whole matter until next week, but of course I'm still human. When next week comes, I plan to tell her that I would like to meet her for lunch some time, but that I'm tied up for the next two weeks - which is true. That's assuming that we both see each other and I still feel like asking her that. I do have some big commitments between now and mid-July. I'd rather not devote so much of my attention to any new girl, charming or not. I no longer wonder whether I was missing a special opportunity. |+| M a r k |+|

Wow, I'm really flattered to see so many replies. It might help if I provide a little context here. I agree that "a year and a day" is not a sacred concept, but it is a common custom that I have appropriated for myself. I'm a very analytic person, and once I make up my mind about something, I can become obsessive about it. And, yes, I am acknowledging that I am obsessive about my personal choices as a widower. I used the term "carried away" because I felt it was too soon for me to obsess over someone new. I agree with Grace that it may be too soon for me to get into a deep relationship. I still like to limit my social activity. That's why I wanted to simply wanted take this girl to lunch. That's also why I didn't mind the possibility of being turned down. While that Charming Girl is indeed Charming, she is a Girl in demeanor only. She and I are both in our 50's. That's too young to resign yourself to never marrying again. It's also too old to expect a special opportunity to simply drop into your lap, even when you notice that one just did drop into your lap. As a result, I felt badly torn between doing two things that mattered a great deal to me. I'm feeling a little better about all that now, and I really appreciate all of your replies. |+| M a r k |+|

Catherine died nearly a year ago - July 4th, 2014. My life has faithfully followed a plan since then. My plan was to wear my wedding ring for year and day after her death. My plan was to get up early each day so that I can visit her grave before doing anything else. My plan was to wait for a year and a day before entertaining the idea dating again. My plan was to then meet some widows online and take them out to lunch before seriously dating someone. My plan was not to find a new girlfriend in the same club where I met Catherine. And it certainly was not my plan to use the volunteer commitment I made in her memory to find dates. But now I've met a Charming Girl who is "making me" bend my own rules left and right. I see her every week or so. I spent a long time talking to her last week, and I had the feeling that we just naturally "clicked". She was so nice to me. I have not been able to stop thinking about her since then. That has left me less time to think about Catherine, which makes me feel guilty. I'm torn between asking the Charming Girl out now and waiting until after July 4th. If I do ask her out now, it would be to ask her to have lunch with me in the middle of July. I'm busy the weekend after July 4th. I would feel disloyal to Catherine if I took any women out any sooner. I think it's also too soon for me to get involved with someone. I still limit myself socially. I still have a hard time enjoying myself at parties. My judgement may not be as sound as it should be. I also could be completely misreading the Charming Girl's friendliness towards me. Just the same, I expect to bump into her tomorrow, and I now intend to ask her to see me in July. Even though I like her a lot, I might actually feel relieved if she turns me down. I could then go back to my plan and not worry about dating someone too soon. I'm not posting all of this to complain. I'm sure many people would be happy to have a "problem" like this. Does anyone think I should wait another few weeks before asking her out? |+| M a r k |+|

I also enjoyed your post. You deserve praise in that you recognized this guy for how well he treats you. I have met many women who fail to do that, and they had not suffered the pain of losing a husband the way you did. Sounds like he's lucky, too. Obviously he saw something in you that he didn't see in others. I am glad his persistence paid off. I hope you both enjoy happy times together. |+| M a r k |+|