Guaruj

Thank you all for your replies and encouragement. I had no idea so many people would read this thread. I took some positive steps to prepare for the first trip today: Made a key for the cat sitter, took some clothes to the cleaners and updated my itinerary. I still have a lot to do. Because the thought of traveling makes me uncomfortable, I seek distraction elsewhere. I no longer have time to procrastinate. I find it helpful to put reminders in my phone's calendar. I'm going to have someone clean the house, if possible, before I leave. I also hate this. These house cleaners are nice people, but they're not friends or family. And, even though I trust them, it bugs me to have anyone move all my stuff (and Catherine's) around to get it clean. I just have to tell myself that I want the house to be clean when I come home. Right now, it's filthy. |+|| M a r k |+|

Hi Jen - My wife, Catherine, died 3 months after your husband did. My 1-year mark is coming up. I also get pissed off at things that most people regard as normal or innocuous. I'm sure you've heard other wids say that the nobody understands widowhood until it happens to them. This is certainly true in person. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that this phenomenon is even more obvious over social media. Personally, I never signed up for Facebook because I knew other people would (with the best of intentions) start asking questions about my wife's cancer. Neither of us wanted that openly discussed on the internet. I have read many of your posts and do not perceive you to be an ingrate. Given what you've been through, I actually agree with that stupid advertisement: You, Jen, deserve to be happy. I also believe you will be happy one day. Do you think taking a break from Facebook would help? |+| M a r k |+|

Thursday, June 4, marks 11 months since Catherine died. During this time, I have spent every evening at home - just myself and my cat. June is going to be different. I'll be taking two trips: A 5-day conference in a city that's a few hours away by plane, coming very soon. A "5-day weekend" in a city that's a few hours away by car, coming soon after the first trip. It's been my plan all along to take these trips. I've done them both many times in the past. I also know that Catherine would have wanted me to do these things. Despite all of that, I'm really bothered by the prospect of going away. I don't like thinking about it, which is the reason I procrastinate over it. These are the things that bother me about traveling: [*]I worry about the cat's welfare. I hired a very reliable cat sitter to come by the house twice a day. [*]I won't be able to visit my wife's grave, which is the first thing I do each morning. [*]I won't be able to spend as much time alone as I have since Catherine died. That didn't occur to me until today, but it might be what bothers me the most. Fundamentally, I worry about disrupting my daily routine. Has anyone else had an experience like this in the first year after losing their spouse? |+| M a r k |+|

It is rather cute that you're afraid of the worms, but - are you really going to let that stop you from enjoying your memories of him? Would it be easier if you wore latex gloves while handling the worms? Just think of how proud he would be if you went fishing in spite of how you feel about the worms. |+| M a r k |+|

Maureen - That was kind of you to talk to her when she was so distressed. You were in exactly the right place at the right time. ...and also, congratulations on your scans! That is great news. |+| M a r k |+|

I read a New York Times blog entry today called Surviving an Alcoholic. It reminded me that we all have differing experiences in losing a spouse. I didn't want to put this thread in a "special circumstances" section because it discusses many other issues that come up here: Caring for a spouse in declining health, nasty surprises after the funeral and eventually finding someone new. It was well worth the 10 minutes I spent reading it. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/05/27/surviving-an-alcoholic/ |+| M a r k |+|

It's nobody's business but yours when you decide to take it off. Pick a date that's meaningful to you. My own decision is a year and a day after my wife died, and that's coming in July. Those both sound good. Once I take mine off, I'm hoping I can find a frame that can display her picture with both of our wedding bands. |+| M a r k |+|

I have some hard work ahead of me. In June, I'm going to Philadelphia for a 3-day long inline skating weekend. I used to do this every year, but my wife's illness kept me at home the past 2 years. This year, I've had a late start on fitness after recovering from bursitis in my leg. I know from experience that I will be skating at least 20 miles per day on Philadelphia's streets in hot, humid weather. I expect to go home tired. If I don't get myself into better shape, I might also go home injured. I skated 13-15 miles on Friday, then spent 40 minutes on a stationary bike Saturday. I did the same skate Sunday and the same bike routine today (Monday). I have a commitment to skate 9.5 miles on Wednesday, but it will be at a low intensity. I also need to let some chafing heal on my foot. I'll be in much better shape if I can keep up this routine for the next few weeks. I'm posting here to make my intentions public. If I don't tell anyone about these plans, then I'm more likely to make excuses and skip my workouts. |+| M a r k |+|

I did find myself getting very angry with people in the first few months following my wife's death. I'm sorry to hear you're also going through that. I apologized to at least one person because I knew I had overreacted. I also blew my stack at an incompetent coworker whom I should have confronted well before my wife died. Soon after that, I mentioned this to my physician during a medical check-up. He advised me to find a support group, which I did. That sounds pretty bad. I hope it doesn't stop you from eating and sleeping well, because that only makes the bad feelings worse. Some people consider it customary to withdraw from society during the early days of their widowhood. They also make a point of dressing differently when they go out in public. The old custom was to dress in all black. I personally found it helpful to go out in public as little as possible, and to dress well (slacks and even a jacket) when I did. I found that people were more polite to me when I dressed well, and that made a big difference for me. When I went to a place of business, I spoke with people on a transactional basis. I kept this up for 7 or 8 months. After that, my area was socked by a series of heavy snowstorms, which made it foolish for me to continue dressing up. Sounds like neediness to me. They're probably wondering why you're not acting friendlier. If they knew why, I hope they would have the good sense to leave you alone. |+| M a r k |+|

Catherine and I met as members of a local inline skating club. She volunteered for an entry-level bike path event, and I organized a more advanced event on city streets. We married about 10 years ago. She stopped skating after her first cancer surgery. She passed away nearly 11 months ago. I was having lunch with a friend sometime back in February. He mentioned that the club needed new members, and that Catherine's event disappeared a few years ago for lack of volunteer support. He really wanted to get the bike path up an running again to get new members into the club. I volunteered then and there to host Catherine's old event, and I've been doing that for a month now. It's not at all challenging for me, but I'm glad to do it in her memory. Many other club members, who attended both our wedding and her funeral, recognize why I'm doing this without explanation. It makes me happy when they show up and share stories about Catherine. |+| M a r k |+|

I'm sorry that you find this so painful. I hope that one day you can visit your husband's grave without feeling so unhappy. It might make you feel better to find some way to handle this on your very own terms; some way to commemorate your love for him that also makes you feel stronger. If part of that might be decorating your husband's grave, there are people on these boards (including me) who would be happy to discuss that with you. |+| M a r k |+|

My house is a mess: Cat hair everywhere. The dining room table is covered in unopened mail. Near the front door, I have both barbecue and ski equipment (I haven't been skiing in years). My yard is a mess: Parched from drought, weeds taking root, hasn't been mowed once this year. ...but I fuss over Catherine's grave every morning. I water her flowers, scrub away bird droppings and uproot any dandelions within a 20 ft radius. It's been nearly 11 months and I really want to clean up my act. |+| M a r k |+|

My wife died of a rare form of cancer, so this offends me personally. It's amazing that some people feel entitled to enrich themselves this way. After the Boston Marathon bombings, there were several people who scammed "The One Fund" for a slice of the millions that charity raised. I hope both Mr. Reynolds and his son serve time in prison for hundreds of millions they scammed from well-meaning people. |+| M a r k |+|

Congratulations, Maureen! You really should be proud of this day. I'm sorry that it comes to you with so much mixed emotion. I'm sure your husband would be proud. |+| M a r k |+|

Wow, @biscuit, I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you and your husband: You are wise beyond your years. Your husband was only 24 and he was already married to you for two years. You both deserved better. I can't count the number of foolish things I did at age 24, and that was well over 24 years ago. |+| M a r k |+|

I had a great time in Connecticut today! It was well worth the drive from Boston. Thank you to rifatheroffour for organizing this. |+| M a r k |+|

Catherine died in July 2014. I visit her grave every day. It's the first place I go each morning. I'll continue this until July 2015, then gradually reduce the frequency of my visits. I'm sorry to see that so many wids aren't happy when they visit their spouses' graves. I believe that doing this has helped me a great deal, if only for the fact that it motivates me to go to bed early and get up early. |+| M a r k |+|

Hi Everyone - Do you have room for one more? I'd like to join you. I finally got on this list last week, and noticed this thread just today. Thank you, Rudy, for setting this up. |+| M a r k |+|

I don't have the most outrageous comment to report. What's most surprising is who said it to me. It was the facilitator of my widow support group! I started going there about 2-3 months after Catherine died, because I became openly enraged with people at work. I wasn't asking anybody for advice on how to deal with losing my wife; I had already made up my mind about that: The first place I went each day was to visit Catherine's grave (this is still true) I stayed at home most of the time when I wasn't at work. I didn't want to talk to other people (no longer true). When I did leave the house, I made sure I was well-dressed in slacks and a sport jacket (also no longer true). People were more polite to me because of that. I explained this to her and the group on the very first night I attended. She responded by asking the group Does anyone else find it helpful to wear a 'suit of armor' like Mark does? I thought it was a stupid remark. It wasn't the last one I heard from her. She frequently tried to present the customs I adopted as some kind of weakness. I stopped going there around February or March. I now have something better to do on that night of the week. Honestly, if somebody told you they attended your support group because of rage issues, why would say provocative things to them? |+| M a r k |+|

Her name was Catherine; originally Caterina. Her siblings sometimes called her "Cath". I learned not to call her "Cathy" because she hated that name. Her childhood nickname was Giggi because she giggled so often as a little girl. She loved beaches. She especially loved tropical beaches because they reminder her of her childhood home in Brazil. She didn't understand many things that I assumed were common knowledge, but she organized our home and our life together in ways I could not. Even though she was deeply sensitive, she bravely endured years of very painful cancer treatments that ended her life. I love Catherine and miss her terribly. |+| M a r k |+|

Hello. My name is Mark. I was on YWBB during its last 2 or 3 months. I'm very glad that we had some members who acted quickly to find us a new home. Obviously, I did not act so quickly in signing up. My wife's name was Catherine. She died from complications caused by 8 years of treatment for sarcoma, which is a rare cancer. I am thinking of her a great deal today, as it is our 10th anniversary. We were married on April 23, 2005. I'll post more about this later. I really appreciate being able to login within an hour of registering. The only problem I ever had with YWBB was that it took one week to activate my account. Others had to wait even longer. It's time for me to get dinner. This is the first anniversary for me to dine alone. |+| M a r k |+|