Rayspumpkin

Thank you!! I know their intentions are good...but the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I'll hit the 4 year mark in November. Congratulations on your chapter 2!! I'm still too grouchy for love. I applaud all of you that have found chapter 2s!!!! So sorry about Son & DIL, perhaps they will find their happily ever afters with someone new. Your post brings me hope that maybe I won't be "bitter" forever...but I've become accustomed to it. Many blessings for you & yours.

I experienced another epic loss yesterday. A very dear friend was taken too soon in a freak accident. Freak accidents are really starting to piss me off! Her fiance is so lost. I remember that horrible feeling all too well. So much compounded grief for me. DH, then my Mom...now the girl that literally brightened my day every single day for 2 years at work. It's too much to handle. Certain people think I should stay away because I'm still "bitter" and "not over your own grief" and it will just "depress you" these people make me angry...these people blow my mind...these people care but are so blissfully ignorant. I will NEVER be over it...I'm bitter now...sorry. But I cannot and will not say sorry & ride off into the sunset to spare my own feelings. He is lost...he knows I've been through this...he needs someone to just listen...to be what all of you were to me. I WILL do that. And I will cherish that honor. Yes...it will suck...yes it will probably bring back some of my own grief...but losing his girl...already brought new grief for me. I loved her. So much. So; they say it's a bad idea, they say it isn't good for either of us; I say...if he needs to talk at 2 a.m. when his heart hurts...I'm here. I shared this forum with him tonight. I hope he checks it out. I would have never survived without ya'lls love and support & understanding. God sure does pick the best ones first...somedays I wish I could be good enough for him to pick me too; other days I don't even want to speak to Him. It's called balance.

Fuck that my Dad is very sick suddenly and delusional. Fuck that he is in the hospital. Fuck siblings that don't understand me. Fuck being so damn alone after losing DH and Mom, and now terrified of losing Dad. Fuck wanting to just lie down & die instead of fighting anymore. FUCK Dad's new girlfriend!!!!!

THIS!!! It's the only pleasure I have...the only safe way to see them sooner...which sounds bad...but it's the way my mind works. I'm already dead inside without them...

I adore this, and is kind of what I've been doing...doting on people...but it's the wrong people. Which is what I meant by my statement of not where I've been sending it. I still love Daniel soooo much; sadly, I'm now doting on people that do not care about me.

^^^^THIS!!! I dated a guy for a year, he lived with me...bothered me every time he laid on Daniel's side. I feel your pain. I could also have sex without an issue...but letting him SLEEP on Daniel's side...that was an issue. Smh.

YEP All I know is...not where I've been sending it...people will always disappoint

LOVE LOVE LOVE, no kids, no NG, but my God, do I miss this!! The man that just HANDLED it! My mood swings, my family drama, the hard, physical chores around the house, those hugs with a kiss on my forehead that just FIXED everything! The banter, the play fights, the debates, knowing that at the end of the day, he was there, he had my back! His favorite saying whenever something was stressing me out "F*ck it/them babe, we're all we need." Saying I'm all I need doesn't work the same way! I agree with absolutely everything here. We never had children of our own, but we helped raise quite a few...and I miss his input so bad. Almost daily I remind God that I'm not supposed to have to be doing this on my own!! 3 years out...and I'm still pissed at DH for going out that day & not coming back like he promised. We weren't done yet...I wasn't ready.

Yes I dated a guy for a year, all time hated comment was received after we broke up "Well, I didn't understand why you were messing with him anyway, I thought you loved Daniel" I still sometimes fantasize about murdering her. Sucks doesn't it? I don't remember how close we are...but I'd be down for a weekend lunch with anyone that "gets" it.

Thank you! Today was a bust, I cheated...made it until lunch though; which is 8 hours into my work day, so that's something. Tomorrow I'll try to survive all day. I wanted to go cold turkey, but maybe baby steps is the way to go.

Thank you so much Trying!!!

Cold turkey it is, and thanks for the grammatical advice.

Central Indiana, amongst the grandest of things...and I stay home every night. Not even a widow support group in 3 counties.

Oh. My. Bob. THIS!!! Right there with you, every single emotion portrayed, I understand you. Hugs!

So, I'm 3 years & almost 3 months out from my hubby dying, 2 years and 8 months since my Mom died; both of my bestest friends...and life blows. Today would have been 12 years since my husband and I started dating, as juniors in high school. I miss him so much. I can't outrun this grief, I haven't mentioned it really to anyone, no one cares. They're all ready for me to be "over it" *insert flipping the "bird" here*. I spent most of my day screwing up at work because I couldn't take time off, the rest of the time I've been unwillingly fantasizing about what today would have been like if Daniel were here. He absolutely loved anniversaries, he was so perfectly corny. He would have surprised me with something silly first thing this morning, then pestered me all day, dropping hints & leaving clues to some "big" plan. Also, did I mention that I decided on Sunday that when I ran out of cigarettes I was done? Guess who finally ran out today!! Ugh! I still feel so lost, and lonely, and angry, and blessed, and lucky, & cherished. How can one body contain so many conflicting emotions? Part of me wants to lie down in bed & cry, hoping I'll die; and the other part wants to celebrate the love we had and do something worthy of it, & the last part, well, the destructive part; wants to find a random stranger & have wild & crazy sex all night just so my mind can't think anymore. Alas, I will relive the hell I've grown accustomed to, crying for my hubby, crying that my Mommy isn't here to remind me of all the things that are good, like she did early in this widow journey, crying because in 9 months time, I lost my ENTIRE support system, and it seems all i have left are assholes. Just rambling because no one else gets it; I mean, "good God, it's been 3 years(drawn out like they do); he'd want you to be happy." Assholes.

FUCK people that think I'm "so strong" yet 5 minutes later tell me to get "over your pity party" FUCK THEM!! Fuck being alone Fuck being so *on* all the time that you think I'm doing okay Fuck craving someone's love Fuck him for dying Fuck anger, and sadness, and lonliness, the only damn things I understand anymore. Fuck the idea of "talk to a professional" I do not want a "professional" I want a real live human to give a shit & if you can't; get the fuck OUT!! Fuck wanting to "move on" and "live" Fuck not knowing what that even means. Fuck being stuck in the hell that absolutely no one irl even understands.

I love that! Definitely could have used this in my early days.

I adore this, just when I'm feeling completely alone in my ramblings, I come here & boom...other wids with the same issues. I hate that we understand each other, but at least we're not alone. Hugs!

I'm almost 3 years out...11/11/12 and I still have days when I wake up and just feel EVERYTHING and days when I feel nothing. Hugs to you while you travel this horrible road. I even dated a guy for a year...thought I was "over the hump" now that I'm single again...because I realized no one else would ever do; my grief attacks harder and more sporadically. Good luck on riding the coaster. I hope your safety belt is tighter than mine.

Best friend told me she's expecting baby number 2 today. I am happy for her, but she didn't want another baby, & all I've ever wanted was to be a Mom...yet another round of grief for the widow. I just want to cry until the end of time, but I still can't do that without DH's arms around me. This kinda sucks.

In some ways that's the worst part of this whole wid gig. No one touches me anymore-- well, my 9-year-old hugs me sometimes. I feel so disconnected, like there's an invisible force field between me and the world. No hand to hold, no one to snuggle next to at night. For the first time in my life I feel cold all the time-- it's 90F out there, and I'm wishing I had a jacket. Very bizarre, but I think it's a symptom of the physical and emotional isolation. On the rare occasion when someone does touch me-- a coworker pats my back, or the barista brushes my hand when giving me my coffee-- I swear it feels like I've been burned. I can feel it for hours afterward. Hi, I think we are the same person...used to in the dead of winter I was in shorts & a tank...now it's 89 outside & I'm debating if I need a hoodie. For the love of pete...someone just hug me already...not a quick good bye hug, a wrap your your arms around me, hold me and let me breathe in the scent of you...but wait...don't; I might rape you. Great sex is not so easy to find in a small town where I know everyone else you've slept with Mister Playa...no thanks...keep walking...but you can hug me first.

I love, love, love this!!! Before I met my DH, in high school, all I had were guy friends...strictly platonic, strictly drama free; and I loved it. Now, hang out with strictly platonic guy friend and all of a sudden, it must be explained, labeled, discussed, options weighed; um NO, he's a friend who happens to have a penis...end of story. We have fun together, he makes me laugh, & he sticks his dipstick somewhere else (I have a NON-guy friend for that) so, leave it be!!! I need the guy/gal camaraderie, plus I need a 4th to play euchre...that's all, but IF I did wanna jump in bed with him...who the h*ll are you to ask questions??? Us lonely widows; gotta watch us, we just might do something crazy...like LIVE!

Thank you both!!

I'm happy to see some familiar faces here on this forum. I was terribly saddened to find that the forum that got me through the worst of my grief was shut down. Tomorrow should be our 8th wedding anniversary. I'm sad, and lonely, & everyone else is living & moving on; and I feel stuck. It's almost 3 years since he died...and I still feel active grief. I see no hope for joy, and I see no hope for anyone to call this year. I miss having my best friend. I miss meaning something to someone.