Quixote

Sitting at four years, still plagued by nightmares. Not so much the final moments (my wife died in my arms from cancer. And I don't have to tell you lot that isn't some lovely romantic tragedy like movies make it out to be). Not anymore, at least. Just more generalized, often metaphorical feelings of loss and loneliness. I used to deal with it with drinking until unconsciousness. Don't recommend the technique, myself. Yeah, I quit (support group, yatatata. It worked. Been a year or so now). But still fighting with the darned dreams. Trying all the usual things, grief counseling, exercise, staying busy. But it doesn't seem to help at three am. Thinking of melatonin, but based on my history, I'm not excited about trying to find an answers in bottles. Anyone successfully fight through.similar issues? It'd be nice to get a good nights rest.

Thank you. Four years here. I think you're right about the need for grief to become private. After a year, I could tell it had gone from friends and family calling all the time and being supportive to this sort of uncomfortable look whenever I brought my wife's name up. At the end of the day, we do have to learn to deal with the pain on our own. In my case at least, the only person who could help is gone. '

Thank you so much for posting this. I don't feel as broken, knowing others can't move on easily. I'm at four years now, a bit beyond. And it's a daily struggle. Still wake up every morning wondering where she is. Still go to sleep trying to pretend the pillow at my back is her. Still have the nightmares. And I keep thinking "what the hell is wrong with me?" Sending healing thoughts your way. FWIW, the one time I'm happy is when I'm doing stuff I think she would have liked. It's sort of like the "married but dating" things we always did. Just be careful about the come down afterwards. It can go either way.

Hi, I'd prefer to remain somewhat anonymous for now. I used to read the old YWBB after my wife passed away in 2011 from cancer. 20 odd years of marriage, tried our damndest to be around each other as much as possible. I dunno, our bond might have had something to do with her having cancer four times starting from age 19, last one at age 45. That one got her. A few other illnesses like rheumatoid arthritis, av node block requiring a pacemaker, seizures. Hell, she never was healthy but still treked around the world with me and had a successful career as a musician. She was driven, maybe by the knowledge that she wouldn't have a full lifespan. She was my hero, creative inspiration, my co-conspirator, but above all, she was my best friend. Never figured out what she saw in me, but I was okay with that. It's been four years now, and I still miss her every bloody second. I've learned to live, in the sense that I've learned not to be self destructive (let's just say things were touch and go for a couple of years). I've a host of terrific friends who I can lean on and confide in. I've tried to stay active with work and hobbies-- I spend a lot of time outside with my horses. All in all, friends tell me I'm doing great. I even get the word "strong" thrown at me by those who knew us both. It's not really true. Like I said, I've moved past self-destruction, but life just doesn't have the same worth it used to. Still get those nightmares, although not every night, thank God. Woke up screaming her name last night (scaring the heck out of my landlady who upstairs from me). Definitely have the "is this what my life is going to be?" feeling these days. Don't think there's any answers, other than keep plugging along. But maybe having a place to talk might help. So, hi all