Quixote

And here I thought I had the monopoly on windmill tilting . My big Friesian cross really is named Rocinante. But everyone calls her Rosie Color me a definite maybe. I'll put in for the day off. Gives me about an 80% chance, will know by June 20th

The stats are real-- widowers generally don't last as long as widows. I tried to look it up, but studies vary. Seems to be around a 20-30% increase in mortality for widowers, about 5-10% less than that for widows. Are women tougher? Personal guess is that they're more open to accepting support than men, better at showing and sharing emotions, and more likely to have close family and friend contacts. It's not an absolute, but I can say from personal experience that it took a lot for me to open up to even close friends. And I came real close to checking out, saved mostly by the few friends I was willing to share my problems with.

Hurrah!

I fight depression. Because of it, I almost lost my dream job, a job I wanted since I was a little boy. It's hell on my health, and there's days that getting out of the house before noon is a victory. And that's the way it is now that it's manageable. Can't take meds-- I've seen psychologists, psychiatrists and grief counsellors. None of them had anything to say that helped. The Wellbutrin the psychiatrist gave me numbed me enough to move, but I can't take it and work. So I work out, try to eat right and spend a lot of time with animals. If positive thinking worked, I'd do it. Lord knows I've tried. But no happy thoughts can banish the awful truth that the best person I've ever known, someone who was the center of my existence (and crazily enough, me of hers) is gone forever and never coming back. As I said in another thread, you learn to live with the pain. But some of us can't banish it, or really even diminish it. Maybe someday, but after five years, I kind of doubt it

I like the Emerson quote a lot. I'm coming to accept the idea that the pain will never go, but if I embrace the idea that life still has meaning, getting through the day is easier.

Heh, thanks guys. Yah, I'm so clueless it really didn't dawn on me until later that this was a setup. Then again, if I'd figured it out I might not have gone. Facebook friended her. Historical equestrian is a small community, who knows.

So, it's the end of the day at this equestrian tournament a week back. Me and a friend go riding around the grounds (a private wooded estate outside Austin). She's kind of awesome people, fellow widow who just recently got engaged to a horsey guy, so we had a good chat about life and grief, all that. On the way back, rides over to this lady lunging her horse and says to me "Hey, you should totally go ride with E here, her horse could use the company". Then she literally trots off. E proves to be a super nice lady, soft spoken and courteous, hunter/jumper build with long braided red hair. You get the idea. Bit too heavy on the reins, though, and not particularly confident with her thoroughbred. But whatever, I kind of stink at jumps, too. We ride the cross country course together, talk horses. Then I say "thanks for the ride!" and don't talk to her again for the rest of the weekend. Because I'm just that stupid. Or maybe subconscious really isn't ready for anything yet. After five years. Nah, I'm just stupid.

Spent the morning editing a friend's manuscript-- published author but wanted my take on the horse/unicorn scene (I do historical equestrian martial stuff). Then in the afternoon, did some jousting practice. Pony was good for me, which should have made me happy (she was bucking down the lane last week for some unknown chestnut mare reason). But I felt just...empty. My jousting buddy went home to her family. I was desperate enough for company, I guess, so I asked her if the clan wanted to go out for a movie or something. But they had their married with kids Saturday planned out, as people do. So I went to the movie myself, went off Paleo with a big bag of popcorn. I guess it was enjoyable. I think I laughed a couple of times. But mostly I stole popcorn from someone who wasn't there. Five years last Wednesday. You think I'd have it together by now. I think my life looks pretty good from the Outside. Living on the inside, I know I cried myself to sleep and woke up with a serious carb and salt hangover.

I feel terrible about it, but yeah. Add in the usual torrent of Facebook posts with "You can DO it!", which feels as if they're accusing those who didn't "DO it!" Of just not trying hard enough to stay alive. Tomorrow I'm visiting a friend whose wife just officially was declared in remission from aggressive breast cancer. I love them both to death, but part of me (which I hate) is saying "why her and not my love?" Jealousy is so ugly.

Wow. Yeah, that's pretty much at wine in the face levels of idiocy.

Glad you checked back in. Was wondering how you were doing. Five years out, I still half expect to see my wife when I come home. When I'm on the road, I want to call her. The feeling never really goes away, but I'm not sure I'd want it to.

Aw jeez. Dogs are such a part of our lives-- especially when we had them with our late spouses . Heart goes out to you.

Re: loneliness. It's awful. My wife and I did everything together, and work aside, were rarely apart for two decades. We had a fair number of friends, but hanging around with them wasn't the same. We were the only two people on the planet who really understood each other. She used to half kid that we were our own subculture. You get the idea. It's not something that can be replaced by hanging about in crowds or similar suggestions well meaning people make. If anything, being at parties or public spaces just seemed to intensify the loneliness. So instead, I just found as many projects as possible, preferably things that forced me to go outside (though not always with people. Animals are always good, though) The nights and mornings will always be hard, I hate to say. But if you can just get moving, you can distract yourself away from the pain. Not always, but enough to more or less function.

I dunno. I married a drop dead gorgeous woman. And I'm what could be charitably referred to as "dork chic". Fortunately for me, love was blind. Worked out well for two decades. It's not the face, it's the person. That said, if someone is a complete narcissist about their looks, yeah, that's a negative-- just as if they go on about how awesome they are in other ways (as a rider, know it all horse girls bug the bejeezus out of me)

Losing animals is so darned rough, but if they had a connection with a lost spouse...My heart goes out to you I don't know what I'd do if I lost my dog. I've put down one horse and lost a goat to coyotes, but they weren't around when my wife was. Each time she does something I know my wife taught her, it's a piece of my wife that's still here.

Think I managed to pull my profile. Got a confirmation number and everything. Maybe I'll change my mind, but right now all those spam emails were just annoying me.

Thanks guys, confirms my suspicions. I'll have to figure out how to hide it. I thought it wouldn't be active until I completed everything. Still ambivalent about dating, tbh.

Dreams are tough. My nightmares come and go. Sometimes it's the mundane dreams like yours that hurt the most, though. practice good sleep hygiene, but if you do wake up with the heart racing, don't bother trying to get back to sleep. Go for a walk and process the feelings as best you can before returning to bed.

Almost five years, still fight with all those issues. The worst was the cognitive problems: lost a year off work for that, just returning last November (official diagnosis was delayed grief processing or some such). Do people really feel normal after a year? I get some are more functional than others, no grief is very individual, but labeling as out of the norm seems a bit extreme

Gah. I took the plunge a month or so ago and made a profile on Match.com but didn't activate it. Or so I thought. I mean, I didn't pay for anything, just kind of did a rough draft thing I did as a mental test run. Despite that, I'm getting spammed with all these "so and so winked at you!" or "N women checked yes!" emails. No idea if they're real or if it's just the service trying to soak me for cash. Either way, it's incredibly cheesy. I know it's the service and not really the women concerned, but still: Holy Buzzkill, Batman. Hate the very idea of online dating, but-- and I know I'm not the first to say this-- all the age appropriate (late thirties to forties) women I know are married, gay, or crazy. Sometimes all three.

Nothing to say but deepest condolences to you and her family. It's awful

Isn't there a "cash out"? It was all a blur in those first few months, so I don't remember the particulars, but I did get a settlement from Social Security. She was 45.

You have to tread the line between wallowing and suppression. Your love and memories never go away-- even if you could turn them off, would you really want to? Denying them just makes the feelings erupt later on. But you can't live in that place of despair, either. I try to find times to remember and grieve, private and in a safe place. Just let it go, read old love notes, look at her picture, listen to music she loved, that sort of thing. I don't want the above to sound like I've got it together-- hell, just the other day I had a grief attack while driving on the freeway. Mind wandered and I ended up in a dark place, mentally. But mindfully setting aside space to grieve seems to help cut down on that sort of thing.

"I can still not feel a fraction of the happiness or peace I felt in my "old" life" 100% this. At over four years, I think people look at me and think I've "moved on" (a phrase I hate, but that's another topic). Externally, I'm pretty successful-- cracks only showing like the fact I took a year off work following a meltdown. But I don't advertise that and most don't see that. I've got all that stuff you mentioned, too (with the exception of a relationship). Dream job, good money, living in the beautiful country with all the animals I ever wanted. But she's not here, and that makes it all seem hollow. Truth is, I feel sad pretty much all the time. Usually it's a background melancholy, sometimes boiling over to screaming at the universe for being a wretched place that killed the best person in the world. Sometimes I sleep all the time, sometimes I can't get back to sleep at 3am. No matter what, I usually feel tired. Don't have any answers, sorry. But you're not the only one who feels like this.

Puppies are awesome. I'm going home to see mine right now. Three hour flight but I have a confirmed window seat. Going home after two months of training, finished my final simulator check three hours ago. New jet, here I come Ponies are also awesome. Seeing my two mares tomorrow. 64 degrees where I live, clear skies. Sound like a day spent at barn