Quixote

100% this line: "knowing that other people must think you should be functioning and working at a back-to-normal level again, and being ashamed and frustrated that you are just not"

Yeah. Since youre posting in Beyond Active, I'm guessing you're where I am, too. People think you've got on with life, but you still have this hole in your heart. You try to go out and live, but everything, even the stuff that should be awesome, is somehow dulled like a washed out photo. The one you love is gone and the world will always be a lesser place. I don't have an answer. I suspect there isn't one. But you're not the only one, if that helps.

Nothing to say, Sally, other than utmost sympathies. Hoping you have friends or family to hold on to today.

I'm getting better, but one of the weird things about grieving was how I couldn't care less about things that used to upset me, but would feel uncontrollable rage at trivial stuff. Exercise helps, but mostly I just stopped over analyzing and let the emotion roll through. Probably lost a (not close) friend or two over it, though.

It's awful. Do what you can, but don't beat yourself up if you can't, if that makes any sense. Right now, just going on is a struggle-- accept that. You're right about people disappearing after the initial surge of help. Keep the phone numbers of a few who are close, who you know you can call anytime. Hug your dogs. Mine kept me going in those first awful weeks. It's good not to be alone, and they don't talk too much. And needing to take care of something seems to help. You may have read this thread, but in case you haven't the advice is good: http://widda.org/index.php/topic,6.0.html

Apologies to those who hate blank verse. Just posting this before the night's vision slips away from my mind. Self inflicted therapy and all that. Wandering the would haves Were it not fors (kicking dust bunnies of regret dust streaming in eyes) Corner turned that wasn?t Cinnamon scented living room where We-- I-- No longer live (burnt bottom cookies that memory mutters she never made) She tried But She never could Cook Nor I make tea (loose leaf Yorkshire steeped three minutes kettle to the pot black only always thanks) Greying hair She never had But wanted We are Just there With burnt cookies And terrible tea (sun scratching at window dog stirring softly sleeping still in the space of not now) We are Where we never were But It?s what we have

We never really went out on Halloween. My wife would always buy lots of chocolate to give out to the kids who rarely came to our door-- California condo complexes are like that, I guess. I think the families with kids went to malls to do their trick or treating. Anyway, my wife would console herself with eating the leftovers. Never got fat, somehow. I think chocolate molecules just sublimated off her. This will be my third alone Halloween, and the first in the country (left the old complex a year ago). Not anticipating any kids around at all. Think I'll just walk the hills with my dog

She always got the cherry. It was a rule. A thousand in jokes. I miss them all. Tears in the rain, as they say.

It's funny where the grief still is, isn't it? It's been over four for me, thought I'd learned to live on, but lately I've been missing her more than ever. New place, new life really. But I've been waking up in the morning wondering where she is, sometimes yelling her name when I can't find her. Sometimes it feels far away, sometime it feels like yesterday. Sometimes it even feels like just before I met her. To me, that was my/our real life. This is just a badly written sequel.

Disneyland is a day trip for me. I'm not sure I'm up for in person meetings (the moderate anonymity here helps with sharing). But I may feel differently in the spring. So count me as a maybe.

Congrats!

I think keeping likes while removing the like count is a good answer. Posting "well said", "this", "bravo", etcetera serves the same function but I feel like I'm just taking up post space when I do that (not saying posts like that are wrong, that's just my feeling) The like counter felt out of place in a serious forum, especially one where it's often difficult for people to post. Think about the raw emotional state people here are in, especially the newly bereaved.

Maybe not "destroys lives" but it is annoying as all get. Twenty years of my wife fighting various life threatening illnesses, and I'd have people tell me that "brought us together". Uh, no. We loved each other desperately for many years before the second cancer hit. We were happy thinking that she was past all that. (I met her just after her she'd been declared in remission) Maybe some people learn to "treasure each day" and all that stuff after a tragedy But a lot of us were doing just fine beforehand and don't view death and pain as a gateway to some new age self actualization BS.

I like the idea of having an exit strategy, Trying. There's been occasions where I get out and I'm totally "I need to go home. Now." Like the meme says, I've become the type of guy who goes to a party and hangs out with the dog.

Three hours ago, friend calls me up to let me know she's got a couple of extra tickets to a concert down at the Hollywood Bowl, invites me and anyone else I want to take along to meet her and three other of my friends downtown at this nice hotel. Think they're all settled in at the hot tub while I'm typing this. I say yes, go home, take a nap and can't bring myself to go. Fib and beg off, claiming a headache. Waste of two fairly sought after tickets, dang it all. What the heck is wrong with me? Maybe it's because I used to go to concerts all the time with my wife and it just feels weird to go by myself (I'd be the only uncoupled one there, if that's a word). Or maybe, I just hate the thought of being in a large energetic crowd. It's been four years, and honestly, other than horse shows and tournaments, I hardly ever go out and do stuff any more. I think it's just getting worse. I dunno. Maybe in four more years I'll start to feel normal. Or just stay up in the mountains and let my beard grow long. One or the other, I guess.

I was on Wellbutrin following my wife's death for about a year and a half. It had side effects, but I think it helped pull me through during a time I was having trouble just getting out of bed in the morning. If it weren't for the fact that I can't take it for professional reasons (I'm a pilot), there's definitely been times I wish I was back on it. It's not a happy pill. You still feel emotions, they just don't immobilize you as much. Short version, in conjunction with therapy and prescribed by a good psychiatrist (not just a "write the scrip and take your money" type), it can be useful for many people dealing with grief.

I typically use the Like feature as a "that was thoughtful and touched me" way of commenting-- basically just a "well said". But yeah, it can get all Facebooky, too. In this forum, perhaps it creates a rank ordering of comments that could inhibit conversation. The last thing we want anyone in the throes of grief to think is that the way they share their feelings here is somehow being evaluated.

Yeah, my drinking phase went for about two years. It's an easy trap. That said, OP just lost his wife. First order of business is doing whatever it takes to get through the first month. Lean on friends and family, don't be ashamed to collapse in tears periodically. Worry about piecing together your life after you get through that hell, not today

So very sorry for your loss. Agree with the others-- knowing it's coming doesn't make the awful pain easier. Keep breathing, and try to be around friends and family who will help you through.

I've got sort of the opposite problem-- I have extreme difficulty doing basic chores like laundry. Heck, I've run out and bought underwear rather than face it. And the washer and dryer are about ten feet from my room and hamper. Moving out of our old place into a shared house helped a bit, in the sense that I don't pile things (much) in the common area, but my truck and room are pure chaos. I just have difficulty caring without my wife around. Funny thing, when she was alive, I was the neatnik. She had this whole musician/creative person's clutter thing going on, piles of books she was reading everywhere, sheets of music strewn around in seriously non-Euclidean patterns, notes to self tucked into the most improbable places, etc. And I'd be all "You know, I can't walk across the room without hopping." Maybe I'm just being nostalgic for the mess.

I'd have to say it depends on where you are in the relationship, right? I was extremely open emotionally with my wife, and she with me. But it wasn't a day one thing. I'm never going to lose my love for my late wife, and that means I'll always grieve for her. I'm not sure Hypothetical First Date Girl (or even fourth or fifth date) wants or needs to have that whole freight train dumped on her. If things flower into a full blown relationship, sure. But again, that takes time before you're both ready for this. At least that's my thoughts. I'll caveat that with the truth that I haven't been involved with anyone since I lost my wife. I'd like to hear from those who have gone on to successful second relationships.

Doesn't seem like they have many satisfied customers: http://www.yelp.com/biz/its-just-lunch-los-angeles

I think this is one of the things that scares me about starting romantic relationships again-- I'm really not sure how I'd react to physical intimacy. I know, I know, it's 2015 and guys are allowed to cry now but I really don't want to do that to some poor girl who just wanted a nice evening. Hypothetical Her: "Beautiful moon!" Me: "Yeah, just like the night my wife died. Waaaaaaah!!!!" Okay, after four years, maybe wouldn't say that aloud, but....

Starting at age 19 (I met her when she was just starting remission), Hodgkins, breast, then the other breast, then pancreatic at age 44. The last beat her, as it usually does. The fact that before she'd kept "winning" (how I hate that word) made for a severe case of denial for the first month or so. I dunno, maybe that was for the best. I didn't really lose it until a couple of months after she died.

Oh God, the "you'll find someone else, don't worry" lines. But at least they're trying to be nice. I file that in with the people who want me to desperately to convert to their brand of religion so I can hook up with my late wife in the afterlife. They mean well. I guess. Having lost my wife to cancer, the ones I really hate are the questions about her lifestyle. "What did she eat?" "Did she smoke?" etc. I just want to tell them she chain smoked asbestos cigarettes while eating fried meat byproducts, just to satisfy them. Truth is, she took way better care of her health than most, possibly because she fought various ailments throughout her life. But the idea of random luck killing an awesome person is too much for them to take. At least that's my theory.