alemja

I found the ywbb about 3 weeks after I lost my dh in June 2013. I was 33 with a 5 and 7 year old, I was the only young widow I knew and it was indescribably lonely. The forum was a lifeline for me, empathy meant everything and knowing that I wasn't going crazy saved me on the hardest days. My sons best friend lost his mom in January this year after a freak accident in December, I'm so very sad for her husband and children and I came back to check that the site is still running so I can direct her husband here.

Oh Bluebird, I am so very sorry to heard of your loss, your husband was so helpful when i joined after the loss of my husband to suicide. Sending you huge hugs and love

Big hugs Maureen, I'm sorry you got so few anniversaries with your chapter two, life just isn't fair.

I am so, so sorry for your loss My fiancé and I were talking about this last night (we were widowed within 3months of each other), he faces his grief and sadness and finds it cathartic, I find that it just hurts so unbearably when I give in to it so I just don't. Neither are wrong or right, you just have to do what you can to keep on living. Keep doing what you are doing, focus on yourself and you precious baby girl, you have the rest of your life to process that grief

Huge hugs Fushiasky My daughter was almost 7 and a half when my husband died, she is also a very strong willed child (seriously she is the most hard headed little chick I have even met) and has challenged me at just about every turn! It is so hard to handle it, to know when to be tough and when to let it slide because she is hurting too. I think the defiance is an attempt at feeling like she is in control, everything is not as its supposed to be in your lives and its overwhelming for her so she is tying to take control the only way she knows how. I found that counselling helped both of us, she was trying to keep her grief from me so she wouldn't make me sad , dad wasn't their to protect us so she was trying to protect me. Going to a counsellor allowed her a safe place to vent and cry without affecting me. I found it helped to "pick my battles" and let her have control in certain areas, small things like what we should have for supper, our weekend plans, helping decide what chore to do/help with. Allowing her a bit of self-determination helped reduce the fighting a lot. Agree together on an acceptable bedtime, mealtimes etc. I couldn't believe what a difference it made to our evenings when I agreed to let her have her bedtime 30 minutes later than her little brother. It was such a small thing but it made a big difference. My daughter turned 11 this last Christmas, we still butt heads but we are doing ok and honestly I am so proud of how she has come through the most terrible loss and continues to do so everyday. You'll both be ok Oh yeah with regards to getting a sitter, its not as easy as it sounds! I was very, very lucky that my daughters therapist had an 18 year old daughter who came to work for me as the kids au pair because I had to go back to work. My daughter gave her such a hard time, but she obviously understood our situation and her mom was able to guide her on how to handle it. I have realized now that she is not comfortable with just any sitter because she doesn't feel safe or trust that they are strong enough to take care of her/her brother if something goes wrong. She is only ok with my mom or my fiancé's mom anyone else is just not good enough. She also only has occasional sleepovers with my mom or my fiance's mom, she went on a school camp a few months ago (two nights) and she practically flew off the bus when they got back and hung on to me like a leech for ages because she had been so anxious being away

I take my hat off to you Sugarbell !!!

((((((((Huge, Huge hugs Ruth)))))))))) Hold on, this horribly rough patch will pass, take a deep breath and just keep holding on.

Sadly, I don't have to imagine "You can imagine the rest - the shock, the horror, the police, the funeral, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt." My husband took his life after battling Bipolar I for many years, I found him. He had told me he was feeling suicidal two days before it happened, I even called the hospital to ask if I should bring him back, but for numerous reasons I didn't. I know now that I couldn't have stopped him, he was ill and it would have happened no matter how much I policed his meds and his movements. I only realized later on that so many of the things I had seen as "character flaws" were part of the illness. After seeing a psychologist myself I have let go of the guilt, for the most part, accepting I couldn't have handled it better than I did because I was his wife not a trained psychiatrist. I supported him as best as I could in every way I knew how but I could not save him. Try to forgive your self, mental illness is no less serious than cancer or other terminal illnesses, not even the doctors he saw could get his chemical balance right with all their meds, what could you realistically have done to correct it ?

so sorry you have had to join us here It is a great place to get support and understanding from others that actually "get it" Huge hugs

Oh no that is truly devastating I am so, so sorry

Hi Alice, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place but I am very glad that you have found this site. It really was my lifeline when I lost my husband to suicide a little over 3 years ago, I was the only young widow that I knew of, it was a terribly lonely place to be. Finding this site helped me to realise that I wasn't alone and that life would go on and I would too. My children were 5 and 7 at the time and understood that their dad had a mental illness (well as much as a 5 and 7 year old could) so I was honest with them from the first moment about how he died, I didn't want them to feel that there was any shame to be felt about the manner in which their father died. You must trust yourself as to when/how you would explain it to your little one, don't let others shame or force you into it. Hold on, you will make it through

Congratulations, that is absolutely wonderful

You really are such an inspiration Maureen, ever since I found the old site in June 2013 your posts have been so balanced and positive. I worry about being widowed again, I met my ch2 when I was 9 months out from losing my DH of 15 years and he was 6 months out from losing his DW of 23 years. Finding each other was the very best thing that could have happened to either of us but its definitely strange going into a relationship knowing that one of you are to being going through that same loss again at some time. He is ten years older than me and very overweight and his father died relatively young (62) so there is a big chance that it will be me that is alone again one day.

Huge hugs Mrs Dan

Thank you SF, you are right the PTS is "normal" given the experience. I feel like I am doing well with the antidepressant that I am on and after watching DH being plied with one drug after another I am hypervigilant about anything that could have an effect on my brain chemistry. I am feeling stronger that I was when I first posted, so I guess maybe it will come and go like the other kinds of waves of grief.