alemja

I found the ywbb about 3 weeks after I lost my dh in June 2013. I was 33 with a 5 and 7 year old, I was the only young widow I knew and it was indescribably lonely. The forum was a lifeline for me, empathy meant everything and knowing that I wasn't going crazy saved me on the hardest days. My sons best friend lost his mom in January this year after a freak accident in December, I'm so very sad for her husband and children and I came back to check that the site is still running so I can direct her husband here.

Oh Bluebird, I am so very sorry to heard of your loss, your husband was so helpful when i joined after the loss of my husband to suicide. Sending you huge hugs and love

Big hugs Maureen, I'm sorry you got so few anniversaries with your chapter two, life just isn't fair.

I am so, so sorry for your loss My fiancé and I were talking about this last night (we were widowed within 3months of each other), he faces his grief and sadness and finds it cathartic, I find that it just hurts so unbearably when I give in to it so I just don't. Neither are wrong or right, you just have to do what you can to keep on living. Keep doing what you are doing, focus on yourself and you precious baby girl, you have the rest of your life to process that grief

Huge hugs Fushiasky My daughter was almost 7 and a half when my husband died, she is also a very strong willed child (seriously she is the most hard headed little chick I have even met) and has challenged me at just about every turn! It is so hard to handle it, to know when to be tough and when to let it slide because she is hurting too. I think the defiance is an attempt at feeling like she is in control, everything is not as its supposed to be in your lives and its overwhelming for her so she is tying to take control the only way she knows how. I found that counselling helped both of us, she was trying to keep her grief from me so she wouldn't make me sad , dad wasn't their to protect us so she was trying to protect me. Going to a counsellor allowed her a safe place to vent and cry without affecting me. I found it helped to "pick my battles" and let her have control in certain areas, small things like what we should have for supper, our weekend plans, helping decide what chore to do/help with. Allowing her a bit of self-determination helped reduce the fighting a lot. Agree together on an acceptable bedtime, mealtimes etc. I couldn't believe what a difference it made to our evenings when I agreed to let her have her bedtime 30 minutes later than her little brother. It was such a small thing but it made a big difference. My daughter turned 11 this last Christmas, we still butt heads but we are doing ok and honestly I am so proud of how she has come through the most terrible loss and continues to do so everyday. You'll both be ok Oh yeah with regards to getting a sitter, its not as easy as it sounds! I was very, very lucky that my daughters therapist had an 18 year old daughter who came to work for me as the kids au pair because I had to go back to work. My daughter gave her such a hard time, but she obviously understood our situation and her mom was able to guide her on how to handle it. I have realized now that she is not comfortable with just any sitter because she doesn't feel safe or trust that they are strong enough to take care of her/her brother if something goes wrong. She is only ok with my mom or my fiancé's mom anyone else is just not good enough. She also only has occasional sleepovers with my mom or my fiance's mom, she went on a school camp a few months ago (two nights) and she practically flew off the bus when they got back and hung on to me like a leech for ages because she had been so anxious being away

I take my hat off to you Sugarbell !!!

((((((((Huge, Huge hugs Ruth)))))))))) Hold on, this horribly rough patch will pass, take a deep breath and just keep holding on.

Sadly, I don't have to imagine "You can imagine the rest - the shock, the horror, the police, the funeral, the guilt, the guilt, the guilt." My husband took his life after battling Bipolar I for many years, I found him. He had told me he was feeling suicidal two days before it happened, I even called the hospital to ask if I should bring him back, but for numerous reasons I didn't. I know now that I couldn't have stopped him, he was ill and it would have happened no matter how much I policed his meds and his movements. I only realized later on that so many of the things I had seen as "character flaws" were part of the illness. After seeing a psychologist myself I have let go of the guilt, for the most part, accepting I couldn't have handled it better than I did because I was his wife not a trained psychiatrist. I supported him as best as I could in every way I knew how but I could not save him. Try to forgive your self, mental illness is no less serious than cancer or other terminal illnesses, not even the doctors he saw could get his chemical balance right with all their meds, what could you realistically have done to correct it ?

so sorry you have had to join us here It is a great place to get support and understanding from others that actually "get it" Huge hugs

Oh no that is truly devastating I am so, so sorry

Hi Alice, I am so sorry that you find yourself in this place but I am very glad that you have found this site. It really was my lifeline when I lost my husband to suicide a little over 3 years ago, I was the only young widow that I knew of, it was a terribly lonely place to be. Finding this site helped me to realise that I wasn't alone and that life would go on and I would too. My children were 5 and 7 at the time and understood that their dad had a mental illness (well as much as a 5 and 7 year old could) so I was honest with them from the first moment about how he died, I didn't want them to feel that there was any shame to be felt about the manner in which their father died. You must trust yourself as to when/how you would explain it to your little one, don't let others shame or force you into it. Hold on, you will make it through

Congratulations, that is absolutely wonderful

You really are such an inspiration Maureen, ever since I found the old site in June 2013 your posts have been so balanced and positive. I worry about being widowed again, I met my ch2 when I was 9 months out from losing my DH of 15 years and he was 6 months out from losing his DW of 23 years. Finding each other was the very best thing that could have happened to either of us but its definitely strange going into a relationship knowing that one of you are to being going through that same loss again at some time. He is ten years older than me and very overweight and his father died relatively young (62) so there is a big chance that it will be me that is alone again one day.

Huge hugs Mrs Dan

Thank you SF, you are right the PTS is "normal" given the experience. I feel like I am doing well with the antidepressant that I am on and after watching DH being plied with one drug after another I am hypervigilant about anything that could have an effect on my brain chemistry. I am feeling stronger that I was when I first posted, so I guess maybe it will come and go like the other kinds of waves of grief.

I was wondering if what I am experiencing is some kind of ptsd? My dh had bipolar 1 and the time before he died was very dramatic and traumatic, chaos, psych wards, police, etc, etc. I was the one who found him when he hung himself, I cut him down and tried to resuscitate him. It was three years ago last month but I still dream of him most nights, sadly almost all of the dreams are bad, scary and full of confusion. There is almost always him or someone else experiencing some kind of psychotic or depressive episode and I am the one trying to help them. I had no feelings of anger towards my husband, he was genuinely ill, to see someone become lost inside their own mind is so so awful, I wouldn't wish it in my worst enemy. I have moved forward, I was luckily enough to meet a widower and we live together with our children and we are happy. I just can't shake these dreams and the occasional flashbacks to finding dh, I saw a psychologist in the first year and have been on antidepressants for about a year now. My daily life is good, I am functioning fine, am hopefull about our future and all that, how do I handle the dreams and flashbacks or do I just have to live with them? Is it ptsd, can you treat it?

Hugs to all of you, suicide just makes it so much more complicated. I told my children (aged 5 and 7 at the time) the truth about how their dad died straight away, I had the emergency services chaplain tell me to do it, he was pretty harsh but he said that if I didn't tell them someone else would end up telling them and that would be worse. My husband battled mental illness for a couple of years prior and we had explained to them that he had " a sickness in his feelings that made his mind confused". I think that possibly made explaining what had happened slightly "easier" (haha,yeah right). My son (now 8) never speaks about it and seems happy to let everyone just assume that his stepdad is his dad, my daughter (now 10) has mentioned it a few times but just says he got sick and died. I never want them to feel they have to be secretive about how he died because that to me implies shame, none of us should be embarrassed or ashamed of mental illness. But ultimately we cant control how they will/do feel about loosing a parent to suicide, its a dreadful burden to carry

Aww huge hugs Fuchsia, huge hugs :'( My first birthday without him was 22 days after he died, I was too numb to take it all in. Thinking of you and sending love and good thoughts your way

Huge hugs Bonay I remember all too well that feeling that my life was now a nightmare that I would never be able to wake up from :'( Time does pass though, you will make it through it doesnt seem possible

I mentioned in the "intro post" that I was widowed in June 2013 and met a widower in April 2014. It was totally unexpected but we clicked and are now engaged and have been living together with out 4 children for the last year. It has been so good for all of us and I am so grateful for what we have, I truly never imagined myself in another relationship let alone one as good as this one is. My life has changed so completely, I was a stay at home mom when my husband was alive with my own little sewing/baking business. When he died I had to leave my little business and take over his business and get a part time job as well, my kids had always had me there for them and that was a huge change, having to stay with sitters and go to daycare during school holidays etc. The area where we lived started to change for the worse and I had to move out of our home, the only house our kids had ever stayed in. Fortunately my partner and I were close enough at the time and there was no question of us all moving in together, so it was a positive move. Our children were obviously in different schools which has been logistically challenging this yea, with different vacation schedules/times etc also my kids school is now quite a distance from where we live. We decided together that my so would join his boys at their school (all boys school) and my daughter would change to the "sister school". They are really good schools and my kids have gotten to know them over the past year and are very happy about the change. Our school year runs January to December, so their year has just ended, I took my two this morning too collect their final report cards and say goodbye. I was surprised by how sad I felt packing up their uniforms (to donate to the school), its like that school was the last thing left of our "old life", the only thing that was still the same Only the way home my daughter (age 9) asked if we could drive past "home", I asked if she meant our old house and she replied "it will always be home to me" :'( I don't want to feel ungrateful because we are in a much better "place" in our lives than I could ever have imagined we could be after my husbands death but I really do feel such a sense of loss for our old life, nothing is the same, not the home, not the furniture, not my car (had to sell mine to get a bigger family car), not my "hobby/job" that gave me so much pleasure , not my lovely big garden, and now even the school. I feel so sad for my daughter too, its all so much to process. My son fortunately is super excited about the new school as he loves sports and they have a way better sports program than the old school, he is also really keen to be going to school with his new "brothers". It so weird its like someone switched off the lights and when they were switched on again I was in a whole other life

Hi everyone, I am also an old YWBB member, came across this page via the facebook one. Hold on Brandy, the days and weeks will pass and life will go on, with young kids there is no avoiding it. I lost my husband on June 4th 2013, my children were 5 and 7 at the time, it was completely unexpected, he had bipolar disorder and took his life after a particularly bad manic episode. I am a control freak and I was sure that I could work my way through this grief thing right and come out fine and "over it" on the other side. What a laugh, right;) !? Its been a very painful lesson to learn that you cant "finish" grieving, that we will carry this loss forever. But I have come to realise that life can carry one along side that loss. I met another young widower by chance 9 months out, he had lost his wife 6 months before and he also had two kids, aged 5 and 7 when she passed. At first it was such a relief to make a friend who "got it", very very quickly fell for each other and now, 21 months later we are engaged and have been living together for a year already. Our kids consider each other siblings and we all get each others loss, we live (really live, laugh, play enjoy) and grieve together. The kids comfort each other and cheer each other up the grief rears its head and my new love and I do the same for each other, there is no jealousy or discomfort when we grieve for our lost spouses. Our family pictures hang together on the walls , both new and old. There is hope, its not an easy road at all by life can and does go on.