Stargazer74

That's a very touching story Baylee. Its good to remember laughter and close times. Hugs!

Thoughts and prayers for you Jason.

Ok, I'm going to throw my $0.02. I applaud the founders for creating the forum way back when. It was a good idea then, and it's a good idea now. The first part of her message kind of rubs me the wrong way though, "We have faith that with all the new technology and social networks, the newbies will find their way, just as we found ours. the site wasn't there when I lost my husband. I had noone to connect with, no local groups, and nothing on line. I created it out of need. that will happen again. In fact, there are so many wonderful online resources now, we felt that everyone would find their way and be in good hands." I am sorry for your loss, and I do mean that, because my grief is still fresh. Yeah, we did find our way, and one day that was taken away without any warning or good way to regroup. I think we all would have been a lot less traumatized if it had been announced and we could have made plans and got everyone notified of a new plan. It was a really hard decision and there were many board discussions about how to address our future. Please know we have always had everyone's best intentions in mind, and it's not that we stopped caring or have moved on and forgot about anyone. Ok, so if there were board discussions, you guys PLANNED on terminating like that? I am so beyond touched that this little idea of mine has grown to help so many. I'm glad I was able to help. Now I am helping in other ways, I run several local young widow support groups in my area. Well congrats, here's your pat on the back. BTW, everyone who is sitting behind a computer screen and posts though tears here is a real person too. You and your buddies and the newbies.... I assure you someone will step up and create something even better than the ywbb. it was amazing at the time, but its time, not ours, has come. Thank you for reading this and understanding that it was a business decision made based on many factors that not everyone is aware of. Please feel free to share this message. thank you, Lauren Yes, we have admins now who get it, and this experience will likely ensure that this kind of heartless action won't happen again, and as a "newbie" I am so glad for that. So sorry the YWBB wasn't turning a profit for you. If there was openness, then perhaps everyone who relied on the board would have a better understanding of your decision making process. Not bitter, better.

Same thing happened to me when I first tried uploading mine from my iPhone, I had to pick one that I had copied to my computer and rotated it there. Looks like you must have figured it out though, your pic looks right to me.

Jess, hats off to you and everyone else that have been working pretty much non-stop at getting us reorganized and up and running. I cannot imagine what would have happened to the community if you didn't take the reigns immediately and work so hard at keeping everyone from scattering to the wind. I have such respect for you guys, and I know that you are making decisions that will ensure the long term survival of the community.

Like! As well! You guys have me rolling this morning, but I agree with everything that has been said, which I could have avoided typing all this with a well positioned "Like" button.

It sounds like you are in the shock stage at this point. Like the others say, the tears will come. The brain has a way of self protecting you by shutting down things that get too overwhelming, especially when there are things to be done and tasks to accomplish, so don't feel like you are abnormal in any way. Even 3 months out, I still catch myself having the thought that my wife is out on an errand and will be back shortly, those thoughts and feelings are normal too. I am so sorry for your loss, but I am glad you have found our community here, where you can share your journey and find understanding.

I want to preserve my story, and this was my introduction and first post on YWBB, written about 5 weeks after I lost my wife. Looking back at it I realize just how traumatized i was during this time. I couldn't make sense of it all, and in many ways, I still can't, four months later. But I can see that shock and agony is turning to acceptance a little bit more each day. I have edited it to correct a few grammar errors and a couple of sentences to add clarity. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ I married my wife on April 30, 2005. I had previously been married and that ended in divorce the previous year. Jamie and I had already known each other at work, our paths crossed occasionally because she worked the night shift and I worked the day shift. She had previously been married as well and had two young girls, but that didn't bother me in the least. We started dating and within 6 months we were married. It was the first time in my life I knew what "being in love" was really about. My first marriage had come from a sense of duty. My girlfriend had ended up pregnant in high school and I didn't want to have a child who grew up without two parents. I got along with her okay mostly, but we were never really "in love". Jamie was easy to talk to, fun, and we just clicked. I couldn't imagine my life without her, and she felt the same about me. We had a few growing pains here and there as we blended our two families together, but through it all, our love grew. About two years into our marriage, she started having some health issues. About 5 years in, she could no longer work and had to go on disability. She was on a long list of medications, and had repeated hospitalizations and symptoms that often just never made much sense. The neurologist she saw diagnosed her with MS, and she was treated for that for about 3 years until a different neurologist said that she didn't think she had MS because she had no lesions showing up on the scans, despite continuing to have almost all the symptoms of MS. She suffered a lot. The last couple of years though her neurological symptoms had improved a lot though, although other conditions plagued her continuously. Watching her go from a young vibrant young woman to being in constant pain and discomfort was very hard. Through it all though, I never thought of turning my back on her. It wasn't out of duty, it was the depth of our love that could never be shaken. Our love never failed. I was still very much in love with her despite all the daily health problems. Around Thanksgiving, she started complaining that her lower back was hurting really bad and she thought she had a UTI or a kidney stone. We went to the Dr. and they started her on some antibiotics. A week later, the pain hadn't gotten better, and over the weekend she was having intense pains, so she went back to the doctor and then to the ER because the office could not schedule a CT for the same day to rule out a kidney stone. (She had had several kidney stones previously) The ER CT'd her and discovered that while she did have stones, her pain was being caused by a kidney infection. They gave her a script for more antibiotics and sent her home. I came home from work that night and gave her the antibiotics I had picked up for her and I went to bed. When I woke up the next morning, she was up, and we talked and she said that she had been up most of the night because of the pain and I just loved on her and we held each other for a while. She got up again, made a few phone calls and then laid down to take a nap. This was Dec 2, 2014. I got up and started bringing in some fire wood, started a fire, checked on Jamie, who was sleeping comfortably by then. I made something to eat and went back to a back room to watch a movie (Frozen, of all things). About an hour later I went in to check on her and when I walked up to the bed I stopped just to look at her. She looked like she was asleep on her side, but I realized I couldn't see her breathing. I went to her and rolled her over and I knew immediately that she was gone. That moment was the worst I've ever experienced. I will be stuck in that moment for a long, long time. I pulled her out of the bed and lay her on the floor and started CPR. I had my cell on me, so I lay it in the floor in front of me and dialed 911, put it on speaker and told the operator to get me help NOW. The only thing is, we live in a very rural part of the state, and it was 20 minutes before anyone else got there. I'm a respiratory therapist. I know how to do CPR, I do it often in my job. 20 minutes of continuous CPR is difficult, and I almost passed out. I cannot describe the emotions that I was feeling. I wouldn't give up though, the 911 operator asked me three times if I thought she was gone and if I wanted to stop but I kept telling her I'm not going to stop. I knew in my mind that she was gone, but I felt God was telling me to keep going. In the end, it was the right decision. The ambulance crew did get her heart beat back on the way to the hospital, and it gave me and our kids, and the rest of the family a chance to say goodbye. Her heart gave out the next morning, while surrounded by her entire family. I do not know what caused her death. She was only 35 years old. Her health was poor at best, but nothing was ever life threatening. Being in the medical field, I have meticulously went over everything in her medical record and everything in my memory about that morning, and I have no clue to point to a cause of death. Whatever happened, it was extremely quick, extremely fatal, and I believe it was painless. I have come to the conclusion that she either had a blood clot that went to her brain stem, or her heart just went into a fatal arrhythmia, neither of which I could have done anything about even if I had been laying right next to her. I opted not to have an autopsy, I just could not have that done to my baby. I have a peace that at least she went in her sleep. She didn't look like she ever woke up, and I know she didn't struggle, and that does afford me some comfort. The death certificate wasn't any help, it just described her condition after she got to the hospital, with no cause of the initial event. My life for the last 5 weeks has been very hard. I miss her so much. All of the plans we had, all of the dreams, gone in an instant. She was my world, and because of her health issues, we didn't get out much to hang out with friends much. Her family, who all live fairly close by, has stayed in contact with me and have been very supportive. Her two girls live with their dad, but they have been living with him for the last few years anyway. My son is 20 and out of my house, and my teen girl is living with her mom, so I'm by myself now. I've kept in touch with Jamie's two girls, and have taken them to a couple of my family get togethers and we have had time to get together to talk and try to help each other. They are young teens, and have been devastated by this as well. My faith in God has been the one thing that I can say has been a tremendous help to me in this time. I have been a Christian since I was a teen, but like most people, my faith has not been very consistent or strong at times. Jamie was a woman of faith, and she taught me a lot about perseverance and relying on God, even during the worst times of our lives. I long for her to be here, but I know that she is there waiting on me. I hope that the time I have left on this earth brings her honor. I don't know where to go from here though. I have anxiety, the waves of grief come and take me, then I am pretty numb for a while. I hope that this gets better soon. Thanks for letting me share.