piecesofapart

Thanks everyone. I hope you all know how much it means to me that you took the time to share. No one understands like you all here. And this is the only place I can talk feely- and once I do- I feel better- after reading your comments and words of support. Honestly I am not ashamed to tell anyone he died by suicide...well at least not anymore. I actually don't say it to shield THEM from the shock. (I know screw em..but I am just like that..I don't ever want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. )There are still quite a few people in my life that I have never said how he passed..they never asked..so I never mentioned it. If they do ask I feel I have a better understanding now...and could help educate them- as there are still so many misconceptions about people who take their lives. I am very proud of my husband for fighting for so long- toward the last few months his quality of life was horrible...the meds had so many side effects...even though he tried so hard..did everything the doctors told him too..but he just could not come out of the depression or lessen the anxiety. I never felt it was a reflection on me...yes- there were many things I could have..should have done things differently...but I tried the best I could- especially toward the end- after one of his more serious attempts- (honestly the others he brushed off- so I believed him- but hindsight is 20/20). But the one before the final one- was really bad- took an enormous amount of pills- was in coma for 3 days...and opened my eyes widely. So I was much kinder and understanding- but he hid so much from me about his illness- I only saw the craziness. Even though his behavior got even more erratic and I was always wondering what I was going to find when I came home. (The last year he had three arrests for stupid stuff...related to huffing...driving up a curb and on the sidewalk in a school zone after huffing and stealing a can in a store and huffing it right there in the store while he was shopping with his mom.) Portside- I hope you did not take offense to how some reacted to your comment about how you feel about widowhood leaving you. Everyone is different. I tend to feel more like Maureen so eloquently shared. But can understand how you can feel the way you do. SemperFidelis you are right- it's the widowhood identity. I am getting there. I never could say widowed until almost 2 and half years out. I know it's reality- but it's not one I was ready to live in- I am getting there now. I guess these experiences- like having to tell someone 3+ years out..push us along. You are also so right about the dynamics being different when you are married to a person who is mentally ill- and how you start to separate yourself. He tried to end his life 8 times before he succeed. I knew it was coming...one day. And now that the day came- you relive everything that lead up to it- as you can see more clearly when you are not so stressed out- after living with madness for 16 years- it takes a long time to process it and start to live a life without that craziness. What sucks is that the craziness was replaced by deep grief and sorrow- he was so wonderful when I meet him- before he got so sick. He put me thru a lot...But even then he was the best "husband" where it mattered most. Slowly I am building a new life...but like I said sometimes it comes back and slaps you in the face.... but like you said Portside..if we can handle this..we can do anything...and that is the thought I am keeping forefront in my mind. Thanks again everyone...wishing you all peace...

I'm pretty much in the same situation. MIL- only has me and her mentally ill son. I was married to her other son for 17 years- have known her for 23 years now. She's 99% always been great to me. My husband is gone now 3 years. She did have a horrible sickness about two years ago. I was the one who took her to hospital- stayed with her- did her household things. Food shopped. I did it because she's my husband's mother. I did it in memory of him. However, it was draining- and she now has put other people in her life that can help out if ever the need be- because I just work too many darn hours and can't just leave work at a drop of the hat. However if she ever needs me I will do my best- it's just what I feel is right and I need to be able to live with myself. Good luck....

I was in the supermarket last weekend..one I usually don't go to...I round the corner and hear my name. It's one of my old bosses (left the job 15 years ago.) In my line of work I get pretty close the boss and her family- and she to mine. So she knew my husband. Of course the second question out of her mind is. How is your husband? I was taken a back...a billion thoughts went thru my mind....of how do I tell her. I just said..Oh, you don't know...sadly my husband passed away. Of course the shock...a few tears..a hug..Im so sorry... Then..she asks- What happened? (Well I don't want to say the shocking story...only my closest family knows...- he completed suicide in his mother's basement by bleeding to death.) I just tell her...it's hard to talk about. She says..Oh sure... So we talk about some other stuff....she really is a nice person. As we are saying good-bye..she hugs me and says..Again I am so sorry...you'll see the first year is hard but it will get better. I wanted to say WTF? like you know? is your husband dead? but I just said...From my first hand exp. not really..as it's been 3 years...it never leaves you- you just learn to live with it. Well...I've been back down a hole the entire week...just when you think you've got the grief thing all organized...something like this happens and rips the wound open again... Ugh...will widowhood ever stop slapping me in the face?

I did not wear my wedding ring everyday- as it interfered with my work day. So mostly I only wore it on weekends and special occasions when my husband was alive. It's not that I did not/don't feel married anymore...I won't let death steal that from me...but it is a different kind of marriage now. So I did wanted something more true to wear. So one year after I got a white heart ring...inside the heart is a little of my husbands ashes. I put it on for the first time on our 1st anniversary apart.

Funny you should ask...this is so silly- I think he would have loved to see the Wendy's (hamburger place) in town remodeled. We went there for many years and it was getting really shabby- I went a few weeks ago- and it's all updated and thought...he would like this...

Wondering what you all envision when you think of your spouse. The first year- I would see him in my mind and want to hug him so tightly. The second year- I moved onto hugging him more gently and resting my head on his chest-he was much taller so- it was right over his heart. This third year- when I think of him I want to put my hands out and hold his and pull him close and kiss him.

Thanks so much Wifeless... Do I have your permission to share this- when it would be beneficial? If yes, how should I list your name please. Thanks again and be well!

Sad-confused- so sorry for your loss. I think we all asked the same question. I am three years out- grieving takes everything out of you- just be gentle with yourself. I wrote this at the two year mark...I hope this helps... My heart and prayers goes out to all you new to this group no one wants to be in... I just passed the two year mark this weekend...but I know how hard it is the first hours/days/weeks/months/year+...and I wanted to give my support and love. My husband of 17 years (together almost 20 years) completed suicide two years and four days ago...I recall the first weeks...and remember that unbelievable pain. I know it's hard to believe now...but since I've been thru it- I feel I can share that the pain does get manageable if you are willing to reach out and do the things it takes to manage your pain and try to heal from the sorrow. What I found difficult was people giving their condolences the first weeks...my best answer now is -Thank you- he was a wonderful man and I was blessed to be his wife. (I am sure it makes my husband smile when I say that :-D- so I think of that and it helps me not break down.) If someone asks how he died..I say that is hard for me to talk about...I'd rather tell you how he lived....and tell them how he was a mechanical genius and could fix anything. There will be many cycles of shock, disbelief, guilt, pain, anger, deep yearning for them and loneliness and pure anguish…and more tears than you could ever imagine. What I’ve learned from going thru the cycles many, many times, is that, really the only way to truly heal is through it – and to just ride the tides of grief and yes, many times it will feel like a roller coaster ride...and you will just want to get off. The tears seem never-ending- but if there was ever anything to cry about this is it- let them flow- they are there to wash away the pain... This poem helped me to put grief into more perspective and understand what to expect a bit better. A cut finger is numb before it bleeds, it bleeds before it hurts, it hurts until it begins to heal, it forms a scab and itches until finally, the scab is gone and a small scar is left where once there was a wound. Grief is the deepest wound you ever had. Like a cut finger, it goes through stages, and leaves a scar. But how do you face each day until that happens? What got me thru was just taking one moment at a time, remembering to eat and drink water and sleep when I could- if only in little bits. Some days you don’t want to do anything- and that’s OK! Just do what is most important even if it’s only breathing, feeding yourself and resting. Keep drinking water -(that for me, was key.) My schedule was all out of whack the first weeks- as my life was turned upside down. Going outside- and taking deep breathes...even if it was at 3 in the morning...listening to calming music helped me a great deal. When I did not know what to do...I would pray...when I could not even pray anymore for myself...I began to pray for others- surprisingly that made my pain lessen. If someone asks what they can do- when you have a moment of clarity- make a list and let them pick what they feel they can do for you. (i.e, mow the grass, do laundry, tidy up the house, go grocery shopping, make a meal, go with you to run an errand if you feel you should not be driving, etc.) – people in the first weeks want to help- let them- it helps them to heal to. However, sadly they will heal and move on with their lives much more quickly then you- and the help won’t always be there- so take it when it’s offered. There are many on-line groups- which are great- Widowed Village and of course Widda.org! (honestly IMO, this is the best and has been my life-line and sanity, many, many times! God Bless all the wonderful caring supportive souls here!) There are some great ones on Facebook- Grief Unspoken first comes to mind. But I've found comfort and support in many which is great because you can get support at all times of the day and night. When I was ready to go out and face the world, I found grief groups thru the local hospital and churches- and on "meet-up for widows(ers)" -met some nice people who truly understood my anguish. Being able to talk openly and also shed some tears with those who were going thru the same loss was very helpful and healing most days- but sometimes I just wanted to be alone with my grief. It was hard not to dwell on him being “gone forever” but I tried to think of the positives and not let his passing destroy me...as that is not the legacy of his memory I wanted to leave. I've gotten into coloring and painting which has opened a new hobby and is very calming. Also I've have found some great on-line friends thru Coloring FaceBook groups. I just came across this poem last week- and it sums up how I feel about my grief now... "He is Gone" You can shed tears that he is gone Or you can smile because he has lived You can close your eyes and pray that he'll come back Or you can open your eyes and see all he's left Your heart can be empty because you can't see him Or you can be full of the love you shared You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday You can remember him and only that he's gone Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back Or you can do what he'd want: Smile…open your eyes….love… and go on. ~David Harkins (1959 - ) Please reach out, I promise it will help. Wishing you peace....and hope...and better days....

I found one thru meet-up- another by calling around to local churches-(I don't go to church- but do believe in God) (actually one church did not have a grief group- but the pastor knew a recent widow and asked if I wanted to leave my number for her to call me- she did and was a lifeline the first few months- by just having someone to go out and get a coffee with and talk. I found another group thru a hospital- hospice- (again I did not have anything to do with the hospital or hospice but they had a grief group- which was very helpful- even was able to connect with a grief counselor for free. Another good way maybe to call around to funeral homes? Some may be general "grief" groups- but there most likely be widows there- and hopefully you will find other's you can connect with. Wishing you peace...

DragonTears - I am so sorry for your losses...I have followed in a similar pattern...7 people in 8 years. 4 lived their lives to the fullest and the end- I know and am sure they had many trials to overcome. The other 3 died before 50...first my best childhood friend.. then my greatest love and best friend I will ever have... my husband..than my first best friend- my sister. I too feel as you do..why bother and I stay in bed or don't do anything....thankfully some days I am still able to bother..I am blessed with having my prayers answered to have hope and faith. Wish I had the magic wand to wave for us all...only thing I know for sure is... ~If we just carry on....we will find a way...~

TornApart...you are not alone...may you find comfort here....hugs...

P.S. if you are so inclined to please contact her and ask her to remove the- word *"committed"* suicide on her blog and when she speaks- and replace it with "died by suicide" or "completed suicide"- I think we can also help to lessen the shame. I believe someone here wrote a great piece about this very topic? was it you Wifeless? Here's a piece I found that sums it up... Stop Saying 'Committed Suicide.' Say 'Died by Suicide' instead. by Kevin Caruso Criminals commit crimes. Suicide is not a crime. So STOP SAYING “Committed Suicide.” That is a term that needs to be expunged completely. It is inaccurate; it is insensitive; and it strongly contributes to the horrible stigma that is still associated with suicide. A much better term is: “Died by Suicide.”

Anyone hear of this book? "What happens the day after"? https://www.createspace.com/6284604 I know it's about younger people who have died by suicide... but it was strange that I just happened to go to this event..not knowing it was about suicide. The lady who wrote the book is a medium and said these young spirits kept coming to her asking her to help get the word out about young suicide...so she wrote the book. I have not read the book yet...but it does look interesting.

Thanks everyone...it means a lot to know you all understand....

Suicide Prevention week...it pisses me off...also the light a candle on Sept. 10th at 8 p.m. and the out of darkness walk...how the "f" does this really help bring "light" to suicide prevention? The walk is done at night...the candle is done at night... to me it seems like it's still a shameful thing- in the dark... A few of my friends posted about this last week...I wanted to yell...you have NO F-ing clue... Well I bet most of our loved ones did not die at night...mine went at 11 a.m. Just had to get this off my chest...having a hard week- due to "Suicide Prevention week..." just bringing up all the things I thought I had organized in my mind...

Hi All- Just wanted to share.... The book- Please be Patient- I'm Grieving is free today and tommorrow (Sept. 10th and 11th) for Kindle. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01DJJKP3U/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=B01DJJKP3U&linkCode=as2&tag=garroeautspes-20&linkId=QRTP6SI5Z7AKBDCX#nav-subnav

My best friends (Born) her brother - but now transgendered into her sister, "C". When I first met "C" (he at the time) was a full blown drug addict- my friend used to cry to me all the time over it- many of the things addicts go thru...stealing/arrests/ re-habs- but 7 years ago "C: got sober. The transition was slow-beginning soon after "C" got sober (since I've know "C"- aged 27 to now 37) C's style was always very different from anything I've ever seen- she really stood out- but did not look fully male or female- the more feminine clothing/ hair and make up happened slowly. I love the person- not the he or she. She "C" wants to be called the feminine name of her male name. And wears long skirts and makeup. At first it was small changes- but the day she wore a skirt and full make up and styled her long hair instead of wearing it in a long pony tail under a hat... I'll say it was shocking-to see- but I just smiled and said WOW- I wish I could get my hair and make up to look that great! she just seemed more in her body as a female - and I could see she felt at ease when I would welcome her and say Hi "C" (feminine name) and use she/ instead of he. She really looks great-because I am sure she feels more her "authentic" self. I asked her for tips on hair and makeup and that helped to bond us even more. She moved away two years ago- but I always ask my friend how "C" is doing- my friend has small children and she asked if the kids should start calling her Aunt now instead of Uncle- as she said yes. I think she moved away to fully become a woman. It's hard on someone to be transgender- heck life is hard enough in any case...and I will not make it harder for anyone....everyone just needs to be who they are..who are they hurting? and if you feel you are a girl-or are a boy- you can't fight it? so why should anyone have to - or have people not accept who they feel they are? and treat them as such. As for getting hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery- that takes a while- no professional doctor will do it on a whim- there are steps the person needs to complete first. I'm reading the book Called "Being Jazz- my life as a Transgender Teen" maybe that can help you understand more? I know it helped me- she also has a show on TLC called "I am Jazz".

AprilRain- so sorry for your loss and all you are going thru. My heart breaks whenever someone new has to join us here. But this group out of everything I've searched for - has given me the most support and acceptance. Three years ago last week, my husband of 17 years successfully completed his 8th try. (I believe as there were only two times he left a note- on the very first attempt and the very last- the other times he said it was an accident and he took too much meds/or the car was faulty- breaks failed- crashed three cars.) Portside is right if someone is focused on ending their life they will find a means. My husband tried many times-by the grace of God and it just not being his time- we always found him on several overdoes- which was also strange- because we (his mom and I) always got a feeling to go check on him. After he almost ended his life on his 7th attempt by taking what he thought was a lethal amount of meds (again his mom found him in time- again by the Grace of God- and it just not being his time). He was in coma for three days- not sure how he ever come out of it and was not a vegetable. On this time there was no way he could say he took too much by accident. So I guess my head was in the sand- and I did not think he was attempting suicide the other times- after the first where he left a note. His mom and I got stern and locked up all his meds(man there were so many!)/ and made sure he took them correctly- went with him to every doctors appt. and he even went to stay as his mom's house while I was at work so he would not be alone. He followed all the doctors orders to a tee and really tried, but during that time it was the worst of our time together because I saw him suffer for two more years and become a shell of himself. I always wonder what it must feel like when you really think you are ending your life and you don't? I think that made him more depressed and anixious as he must have always been thinking about how to do it and for it to be the last time no outs. He mostly slept all day-the meds made him sleepy... hardly ever wanted to go out-(as he needed to be near a bathroom- hardly ate- as the meds upset his stomach (the meds that got changed many times always had side effects..) As difficult as it was to see him like this- looking back it was also a blessing for me, because I got to understand his illness more and be more supportive. Since he could not get more meds (and oh boy he tried many times and many ways!) he walked into a hardware store down the street from his mom's house and bought something for less than three dollars and learned with precision how to use that to end his life in less than 30 seconds and made sure his mom was going to be out of the house for at least an hour- but would come back and find him soon after. The guilt was eating me inside too-if I would have done this- and not done that...if I never said those things.. if I said these things more..etc..etc..etc. It was nine months after and I was on a family outing and we walked over a high bridge and were all looking out at the beautiful scenery and boats on the water below..and all I could think about was jumping off. It still scars me to my core today thinking back about this- as the feeling was so strong...but you know what..if you don't have that in you..you can't do it...but if you do have that in you- you will. Point I'm trying to make is it's a severe mental fatal illness and rarely ever cured- from what I've seen. Thankfully by some miracle I ended up going to church - something I rarely do- but felt a force pushing me to go. The topic that day was about guilt. The thing that stuck with me was- guilt will get you no where and why let it steal your days? Strangely after that day 99% of the guilt was gone...and replaced by- if my love could have saved you- you would have been the happiest person ever. But neither my love, many trained professionals could save him- therefore, I can't justify my guilt. It's been a long 3 years of rehashing everything that happened, but I think it's a necessary and important part process on the journey to healing this complicated grief. I'm sorry this got so long..it just sort of poured out of me- and I hope by sharing my story you will feel less alone and maybe something I've written here will help you. I wish you peace...as it is sure to come...

Alice...just wanted to let you know I'm glad you found us, but sorry for the reason why. I lost my husband to suicide nearly 3 years ago. This group has been my sanity. I hope you find comfort here...wishing you peace...

Thank you..your post made my heart hurt a little less...just reading a post from someone who gets it- does a world of good...Wishing you peace...

Found this today..It's helped me a lot...hope it helps you too... http://www.garyroe.com/good-grief/

Poem attached...

Wishing you peace and strength...as your post has done for me...

It will be/would have been our 20th year wedding anniversary on Saturday- we made it to 17. I always said we'd go on a cruise for our 20th. Well now I just want to crawl under the covers. I should have taken off work tomorrow- but now it's too late to get a back up for me - I don't want to mention it to my bosses- even though they are compassionate- I just feel weird mentioning it- as I know I'll cry and don't think work/in front of bosses is the place to do that. I hope I can keep it together and not fall "a/part" until I get home. I don't even know if anyone will remember- i.e. my family/few friends I have left... My MIL is great...as it was her son..so she's missing him too- and she's the only one I feel I can talk to- because she "gets it". But my parents are not very supportive - I guess they don't know what to say- but it hurts when they just want to change the subject quickly. I know they don't want to hear/see me sad- but it's worse to pretend to "not" be sad. Ugh..all this is giving me anxiety. I always talk to me parents on the weekend- and lately all my mom does it complain about Everything- and I just know I won't be able to take it. But if I don't answer the phone she calls and calls....so best to get it over with. I want to do something "special" but have no idea what...this is the second one without him...first one my MIL made an appointment to have someone give an estimate at my house which I rent from her- at first I said no-it's my wedding anniversary (she did not even remember...) then I said..well it's just another day- life goes on..but then I felt awful afterward- as the guy giving the estimate made a negative comment on the way my husband did repairs on what we needed done again... what have you all done?

April I am so sorry for your loss. My husband of 17 years completed suicide in Aug. 2013. It was his 7-8th attempt. I don't have any children..so sadly no great advise there..but you said several times in your posts you worry...my advise for that is.. worry less...pray more. Wishing you all peace...