It has been 3 months since I last spoke to my sweet Nicole. She was my best friend, soul mate, life partner of 14+ years, biggest cheerleader (and everything else it takes to make one feel complete and happy). Every day is still a challenge. Lately, I seem to be overwhelmed with a sense of purposelessness. I still work and have career goals, but it all seems so pointless. My career goals were OUR goals. The point was to improve OUR lives. It seems I'll do better for a few days (usually when I visit with family and friends) but then hit another brick wall and enter back into the darkness. The whole experience feels as if someone performed surgery on me and removed half of my heart, all of my joy, a considerable portion of my hope and most of my soul. Technically, I was left with the vital organs one needs to survive...but in many ways it seems I am a shell of my former self. Most of my support network has dwindled (as I had read would happen)...so the daily check-ins from friends and family are mostly gone. Since the next forum mile marker topic on this site relates to 6 months and the fact that "reality sets in" I'm terrified that this can somehow get worse. I have been very active, still in grief therapy, attend grief support groups, read, read and read...but I still legitimately question that I will survive. In summary, the hellish rollercoaster ride continues and shows no signs of stopping. I hope to be hopeful again one day and am grateful for those on this site that understand what this is like and have given me support.