This is different.

[SoVerySad]

I have been trying to help myself understand why the loss of T still feels so unbearable to me. I haven't had an easy life. While I had a great marriage, we had a lot of tough times and difficult circumstances. I've lost both my parents (grandparents who raised me), as well as a baby. I dealt with 10 years of infertility, T's health decline, my son's medical needs, etc. Throughout all those painful experiences, I found a way to push through them. I've typically been a pretty pragmatic, make the best of things gal.

 

But this experience is just so different. I realize that the key difference is T is no longer by my side helping me through the tough times. Yet, was it all him? Was there no part of me alone that embodied resilience and motivation? I've searched and searched for it within myself and can't seem to find a trace of it. It is a completely unsettling feeling.

 

The loss of T has been massive, yet I still have two wonderful children I want to help enjoy a good life. I feel so immobilized, even after 2 years +. I'm so disappointed in myself, yet seem incapable of helping myself reclaim happiness. I know I'm the only one who can do it. I'm continuing to try daily, but the results feel so discouraging and the misery continues (with brief moments of joy which I savor).

[Wheelerswife]

SVS, I know that this widow journey has really been difficult for you.  Yet you remain this incredibly supportive and kind person who reaches out to everyone else.  You've motored through medical challenges and you've been such a wonderful support to your children.  I meant every word I said at the British Invasion bago when I told one of our newer and younger members that you were the kindest wid on this board.

 

T must have been an incredible man.  You both had won the best prize when you found each other.  You truly knew how to be life partners and to love and support each other.  You had an interdependence and intimacy that others would have envied.  You gave yourselves to each other...and that is why it is so difficult now to swallow that he is no longer here.

 

I understand the feeling.  I had it with John, though for only a short time, while you had it with T for much longer than I had it.  You lived that beautiful life for quite awhile.  You only knew that life, really, as your relationship matured over the years.  Your happiness was entwined with his.  There wasn't any other way you wanted to live.  Even though you had your separate aspects, you still shared them, along with decision-making and all of the aspects of your struggles with health, fertility, adoption and raising of your children.

 

Of course, my dear, figuring out this new life, with its additional challenges, is daunting! You've made it this far.  You haven't become bitter.  You know you want to find a way to enjoy more of life.  I think that, in time, you will find the paths to more satisfaction and even happiness.

 

I have to hope that for myself, too!

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Jess]

SVS, I am going to offer you back one of the many tight hugs you have offered me when I am down. Also, I think that you need to give yourself more credit. From an outside perspective, you are incredibly kind to others in your own time of struggle. You got through and continue to get through the aftermath of a terrible accident on your own. Those things to me show you are resilient. I also think continuing to try despite being discouraged is motivation. I firmly believe you did not lose those things that made up who you were before, you just lost one the person that made it so much easier to be that way. It is a scary thing to only be left with yourself to count on. We all know that because we live it. I hope you keep on trying and that you are blessed with more joy to savor.

[Trying]

I think you have shown yourself to be incredibly resilient in the face of some very difficult times. The piling on of losses and struggles does add up and chip away at our spirit and you are missing the one person who could hold you up until you regained that resolve.  Do not be disappointed in yourself, look at your situation with the compassion you would give to any of us, you deserve the same.  I wish it was easier, I wish you could fast forward to the day that joy outweighs sorrow, I wish we all could.  But I believe that day will come for you, until it does, hold onto the little moments.

[widowat33]

 

But this experience is just so different. I realize that the key difference is T is no longer by my side helping me through the tough times. Yet, was it all him? Was there no part of me alone that embodied resilience and motivation? I've searched and searched for it within myself and can't seem to find a trace of it. It is a completely unsettling feeling.

 

 

Although I do not know you...I have to say yes, there is a huge part of you that embodies resilience and motivation, however it's so much easier to be resilient and motivated when you have the loving support of a partner. It's still there though, otherwise how could you possibly be such a huge source of support to us here?

You have been through a lot and to keep optimistic facing all of those things would not be an easy task. Not at all.

I am not as far along yet, but if there's one thing I've learnt is we are all so different, but we all need to go easy on ourselves. We set such high expectations on ourselves that it's easy to be disappointed. But I don't think we would be disappointed in others for the same thing..

((SVS))

 

 

[Sugarbell]

I think you have shown yourself to be incredibly resilient in the face of some very difficult times. The piling on of losses and struggles does add up and chip away at our spirit and you are missing the one person who could hold you up until you regained that resolve.  Do not be disappointed in yourself, look at your situation with the compassion you would give to any of us, you deserve the same.  I wish it was easier, I wish you could fast forward to the day that joy outweighs sorrow, I wish we all could.  But I believe that day will come for you, until it does, hold onto the little moments.

 

I echo this.

 

You are a beam of light SVS...to everyone who meets you and through this board.

 

 

[canadiangirl]

I meant every word I said at the British Invasion bago when I told one of our newer and younger members that you were the kindest wid on this board.

 

You are a beam of light SVS...to everyone who meets you and through this board.

 

Totally agree that you embody resilience, SVS.  That the amount you give to others illustrates that the goodness within you is boundless.  You HELP people.  You know just what to say. Many people do not have that gift.  You feel stuck and immobilized.  Me too.  But your stuck means we get to be stuck with you here where you are doing a lot of good!  That is something, in context even a BIG something.  I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

[rifatheroffour]

I can't add much more to all above other than to agree wholeheartedly.

[injo]

SVS, I think it IS different to loose the person who knew you inside out.

But you are doing the best you can which is quite a lot, taking such good care of your children and being so kind and understanding to your fellowwids.

 

Tight, tight hugs

[SoVerySad]

Oh my goodness, thank you all so much for the kind words, support, and hugs. I've read your posts several times and you've given me the fuel to keep pushing on. I remember early on adopting Wifeless' words "You won't always feel the way you do now" as my lifeline. I think I've been losing hope lately that will be true for me, causing me to wonder how I will endure this year after year.

 

Maureen, you described my relationship with T so exactly it took my breath away. You are right that having lost that isn't easy to overcome.

 

Thank you again. Your replies mean more to me than I can express.

 

 

[lcoxwell]

This is another thread, that I have come back to a few times in the last few days. I wanted to add something meaningful and heartfelt, and just haven't had the right words to express what I wanted to say. I think several of those, who responded before me, have said what I wanted to say so much more eloquently than I seem to be able to, right now.

 

I wanted to echo what some have said. You have been such a strong support and have helped so many of us, as we struggle down this path. You have also had obstacles to overcome, that many of us cannot even imagine, and yet you still manage to encourage the rest of us. Maybe you cannot see the resilience and motivation within yourself, but the rest of us can see it.

 

Of course you struggle. As you said, you have suffered a "massive" loss, with the loss of your T. When the one person, who loved you above all others, who supported you and lifted you up, who built a life with you is gone, there is no just getting over it. You lost a vital part of yourself, with the loss of your love; but that doesn't mean it isn't within you to find motivation, resilience, or even some measure of happiness. It is my earnest hope that you are able to find all of these sooner, rather than later.

[linda5]

SVS, I echo everyone's comments.  Your compassion for others is truly amazing.  Give yourself some of that compassion you give to us. 

 

I think we'll always have "off" days ... days when the sadness and the devastation comes back.  But hopefully, they will be few and far between. 

 

I'm sending you a large, arms wide open hug!

[Jen]

I know I'm the only one who can do it. I'm continuing to try daily, but the results feel so discouraging and the misery continues (with brief moments of joy which I savor).

 

This is me as well. I'm trying so hard to take action, to get busy living instead of staying stuck in hell, but it's slow and painful. I tell myself over and over I'm fine, I don't need anyone to complete me, I'm sufficient to myself-- and sometimes I can almost believe it. I just want someone to tell me that there will be a day when I'm not acutely aware-- even if I'm smiling-- that I'm bereft. I want to believe that I will eventually have mostly okay-to-happy with occasional, brief ouchy moments, instead of the other way round.

 

(((((HUGS)))))) I wish there was an easy fix-- or any fix at all. Right there with you, sweetie.