Dream

[Jess]

I just woke up from a disturbing dream. I was staying at a local casino with my new guy and suddenly, LH showed up. His hair had grown out and he said "Well, you aren't an easy person to find." I of course was dumbfounded. I leave the hotel room with him to head home. He told me about how he had been undergoing treatment and how he couldn't understand why I never visited him. I told him I thought he was dead. I had a death certificate and a funeral. And he said "Yeah, I found out about that. That hurt, Jess. That really, really hurt." I kept saying "But they told me you were dead. It's been almost a year." and he just kept saying how much it hurt. We almost get to the house and I suddenly blurt out "Wait, we don't live there anymore." and instantly he said "What did you do?" I again explain he was dead and my mind starts racing with all of the decisions I made post losing him. How would I undo the past year to get him back into my life? And some things just couldn't be reversed. I felt panicked and felt scared of him and then I woke up. It took about five minutes to regain my equilibrium and tell myself no treatments happened, he died quickly and unexpectedly. He was never scary towards me like we was in that dream. It just wasn't him. But I think what scares me more than how he was in the dream is that once I got my grip back on reality, I felt relief he wasn't somehow still alive when I have spent months wishing for that very thing to somehow be true.

 

Am I just totally screwed up?

[SoVerySad]

No, Jess, you are not screwed up. That was a very intense dream. I'm sure most of us would have felt very unsettled after having a dream like that. It would bring up a ton of conflicting emotions.

 

Tight hugs to you...

[Jen]

(((((Jess)))))) From where I'm sitting, it sounds like your brain trying to come to terms with the massive changes over the past year-- parts of you resist them, other parts welcome them. It's so hard to be where we are, trying to build our lives over again. I think you're doing an incredible job, for what it's worth.

[lcoxwell]

I, for one, do not think you are totally screwed up. You have suffered a terrible, unexpected loss; you have been through a number of changes in less than a year; and you have done your best to try and rebuild your life. While I cannot tell you why dreams like yours occur, or even if there is any meaning behind them, I can rcognize how having such a dream would be disturbing. For what it is worth, I have had a few disturbing dreams, since my Kenneth died, and have had the thought, more than once, that I was glad Kenneth (or the version of him in my dream) wasn't here. (((Hugs)))

[ATJ]

But I think what scares me more than how he was in the dream is that once I got my grip back on reality, I felt relief he wasn't somehow still alive when I have spent months wishing for that very thing to somehow be true.

Am I just totally screwed up?

 

Jess,

 

The swift hand of fate has suddenly thrown us into unknown territory. Having to let go and being forced to start over again can become an emotional vortex of anxiety and confusion. The past meant comfort and familiarity, the future causes apprehension of the unknown. It can feel like being torn between two worlds, trapped in an emotional schism.

 

"Every New Beginning comes from

some other Beginning's End."

 

~~ Seneca

 

 

 

 

 

"You must be able to walk firmly on the ground

before you start walking on a tightrope."

 

~~ Henri Matisse

 

 

Moving forward is a challenging high-wire act. It takes time, courage, perseverance and stamina to find our balance after we have been forcefully knocked to the ground and stumble to get up again.

 

 

 

 

"Sometimes the hardest part isn't letting go,

but rather learning to start over."

 

~~ Nicole Sobon

 

ATJ

 

[Jess]

Thank you all. This dream has been on my mind all day. I do think it has a lot to do with processing change... losing Joe, losing friends, losing our home together. But, I think that maybe it was a way of showing myself that I have not just lost, I have also built the foundation of a new life. I have gained some new friends, entered into a wonderful relationship, and became a home owner all on my own. I think my reaction of relief was nothing to be scared of but rather affirming I am on the right path. As for his anger, I think it was a reflection of my own anger at having to rebuild at all, not how I think he would feel. I think Joe would be proud of me.

 

Or maybe sometimes a dream is just a dream...

[Trying]

Sweet dreams tonight Jess, I think you have processed it well but man, I know a dream like that can really shake you up.

[Baylee627]

Oh my, wow. I can definitely validate any disquiet you felt over that dream...my goodness. That would have rattled me, for sure. It was kinda a twisty, sickening scenario. I think with the year mark looming, your recent move, and the new guy, your mind is entertaining the worry about whether Joe would approve or not.

 

We've probably all heard the theory that we play out our deep-seated fears in our dreams as a coping  mechanism, as a way to practice handling our fears, should they come to fruition. This dream of yours may fit that: you want for Joe to be proud of your decisions, to know that he would nod assent to them. But your fear--I believe, unfounded--is that he wouldn't. Such a natural wid fear, I believe!

 

He loved you so much. I don't think for a second he'd want for his legacy to be that his death paralyzed you, that it destroyed the woman of resolve you are.

 

No, I think you ARE  living the life commensurate with his wishes for you, you who must go on.

 

Baylee

[IfIonlycould]

Jess-I have had the he comes back dreams ....wow yours was unbelievably clear....mine have been more muddy...but I do remember having one where he came back and I wasn't willing to accept him back...I told him I was in love again.  That was a tough one to process when I woke up.  I believe you are coming up on your year 1 sadiversary?  And all the changes....no wonder you are having all of these feelings hitting full force.  Year 2 was really hard for me...it became all about REALLY processing that he was gone and this was my new life and like you learning to work through the anger that I had to rebuild again.  Thank you for sharing the dream....I'm not the only one to have this kind it seems.