Talk me down

[Virgo]

A little backstory: my mom died three months before my husband. She had ALS. Once she was moved into a nursing home my dad started drinking heavily again.

 

Today my 13yo daughter was talking to him and he told her that his girlfriend was over yesterday looking through high school  yearbooks. She was my mom's best friend in high school. Anyway, this was the first time that she has been to his house that I'm aware of. He always told me he had no desire for her to be at his house. I don't care either way. That's his business. I'm happy if he's happy.

 

My issue is my mom's belongings. I don't even care about his money. If he wants to piss it away or give it away that's his decision. I don't care, but if he starts giving his girlfriend my mom's stuff I'm going to lose it. Would he even remember giving her stuff at this point? Seriously, she could just start taking stuff if she really wanted to. My mom started giving me and my daughters stuff toward the end, so I know she wanted us to have it. All of her daily worn jewelry pieces I told my dad to hold on to. Now I'm wishing I would have taken them when he offered. I just thought he would want to have them. I'm making myself sick. I know it's just 'things', but they hold a lot of sentimental value to me. My dad would never give these items away, but 'drunk' dad? Who knows!

 

I'm thinking maybe some morning (before he's wasted) I'll go and have a talk with him.

[Trying]

Uhgg, legitimate concerns I would say given his alcohol abuse.  For your own peace of mind I think you should talk to him about the things you want.  I would leave out the fact that GF could take advantage of him in a drunken stupor, probably wouldn't go over well.  I'm just so sorry that his drinking must make it feel like like you have suffered yet another loss. 

 

Hang in

[Needytoo]

I can only tell you what happened to me. My father married my mother's pallitive care nurse (she told the other nurses she would get my father). This women took over all my mother's belongings. My father did nothing. It caused a lot of hatred through out the years. Not saying this woman is like that but if I could do it over again my siblings and I would have saved some of her stuff.  Just remember to breath we all tend to get over protective. Ehy does life have to be complicated?

[Virgo]

Thanks! I've been so frustrated with him lately.

 

I'm sorry about your situation with your dad Needytoo. I know it happens. I would be sick, and my relationship with my dad would definitely be strained.

 

My daughters tell me all of the time, "just go over and dump out all of his beer." If only it was that easy.

[Guest nonesuch]

Is there a time of day you can have a heart-to-heart with him, maybe first thing in the morning? 

 

I know legally all those things are your father's. I would be very tempted to sneak a couple things out and hope he didn't notice.  I would be even MORE tempted if I thought he wouldn't agree to giving me those items.

 

Tempted, but it would be wrong.

[anniegirl]

You told him to hang on to things. Presumably he has. Just tell him that now you are ready to take those things.

 

Do it when he's sober and don't bring up the girlfriend. Those kinds of conversations just never end well.

 

Good luck. Had a drunk dad myself. Loads off non-fun.

[Virgo]

That would be a great way to start the conversation. "  Dad...I think I'm ready to take those items now."

 

I would never take anything.  Earlier on I was helping him clean out his basement and he accused me of taking something my grandmother gave him. I had no idea what he was talking about.  If it was so valuable why throw it in a pile of junk in the basement.  I'm guessing he put it somewhere else and forgot about it.  Another reason I want my mom's belongings.  I will keep them in a safe place.

[anniegirl]

You'll find the right words.

 

My mother and my aunt have been trying to off-load family stuff from my late father and my grandmother and I put them off until I decided that - yes, I did actually want the stuff and it wouldn't simply be clutter I would one day push on my children. It's really not all that unusual for heirlooms and mementos to sit until someone is ready/has a place for them.

 

My step-daughters are still collecting things of their mother from our house because they either didn't have room or just weren't ready to claim things.

 

Oh, and if he has offered things to his girlfriend - as long as they weren't loaded with meaning - keep in mind that some people are really pragmatic about things. My husband thought it was fine for me to "take what I wanted" from a box of his LW's clothes when we were getting ready for a garage sale. I very tactfully pointed out how "creepy as hell" that was and his eyes got all big and he was "oh, right" and very sheepish. To some people, it's just stuff. jmo.

[Baylee627]

My father's family is chock full of addicts, both drug and alcohol. Seriously, just try and keep a straight face at one of their Christmases when everyone refers to one of my uncles or cousins "not being able to make it, as he or she's away".

 

Away, if Camp 12 -Step is "away".

 

(This is usually idly brought up right about the time the wet bar is set and aperitifs are being served. All without sense of irony).

 

Any-hoo-how, all this to say that you well know addicts can be unpredictable when not sober, and so it's not unimaginable that the treasured heirlooms and personal effects of your mom's might find their way into the wrong hands. I really like the idea of approaching your dad when you have his attention and telling him you are ready to have Mom's things. Simply put and direct I think best suits the situation.

 

Please let us know how it goes. These aren't easy topics to broach!

 

Baylee

 

[BrokenHeart2]

Well stated Bailey.

[canadiangirl]

Virgo, does one of your daughters have a birthday coming up or a milestone or something to celebrate?  Might they ultimately want or receive some of your mom's pieces?  If this could be true, perhaps with respect to the jewellery, an occasion of your daughter's might be a good opening to at least ask to go through your mom's jewellery and pick out a few (or in the end, many) pieces to distribute between your girls and yourself.  It might make him feel good to have a hand in facilitating this? 

[Virgo]

Their birthdays are May, June, and December. The girls actually went through my mom's jewelry box with her. I wish I could have taken photos, but my mom hated to see the camera come out. She didn't want photos of herself. My mom had the biggest smile on her face. It brought her a lot of joy. At that point with her ALS she was almost completely immobile. She had just a little movement in her wrists, ankles, and neck. She had already lost her speech. Awful disease.  Anyway, we left the more expensive pieces and jewelry that she wore daily with my dad. I haven't talked to him about it yet, but I will soon. I'll update and let you know how it went.

[Virgo]

I worked this topic into our conversation today and he said he would get all of her jewelry together for me, other than her wedding ring, which is fine. Hopefully the next time I see him he'll have everything together.

 

On a side note, every conversation I've had with him recently has been good. I could tell that he hasn't been drinking as heavily. I've called at different times of the day. I'm still worried about his health. Today I noticed that his hands and arms were shaking a lot worse than before. According to my dad, his doctor isn't concerned. He gave him some medication that is suppose to help with the shaking. I'm going to inquire more when it's just the two of us talking. My daughters were with me, so we didn't have a lot of privacy. I don't want them to worry. They already worry enough.

[SimiRed]

Glad you had the conversation with your Dad!  I know it must've been hard, proud of you!! 

[Needytoo]

Glad you had the conversation and everything went well. 

[ieh21]

I typed out comments, but it seems I'm too late!