I made it. So what?

[jlp]

July 2 was the one-year anniversary of DH's death.  I did a lot of "anticipatory" grieving, I guess you could say, in May, thinking that all of June would be spent reliving the last month of his life.  But when June came, I was OK.  I purposely made as many plans as possible for social activities and I managed to get through it all with minimal meltdowns.

 

But now?  I'm tired.  I'm so, so tired.  I was not one to crawl under the covers after his death -- I honestly would have liked to, but instead I had the opposite reaction.  Go, go, go, push, push, push.  There is no right or wrong, that's just me.

 

I should make up a list of everything I've done or had done around the house the past year and hand it out to people who wonder how I spend my time, if I get bored.  No!  I'm exhausted!  DH didn't feel too well the last couple of years of his life and so many things got neglected.  I'm trying to make up for lost time, but all this effing rain isn't helping.

 

And all the people who said they'd help?  Better put out an APB.  I have found myself crying the last couple of days, not from grief or sadness, but from anger and frustration.  I hope I'm not going to spend year 2 in "crash" mode.  I honestly thought I could do this, but now I'm starting to wonder.  Because, you know, it seems people are always willing to "help" you mow the lawn (with a rider) or vacuum your house, but nobody wants to do the shit work of weeding the gardens or cleaning the bathrooms.

 

Thanks for letting me vent.

 

[Trying]

I think a crash after a big build up is pretty normal, or normal for me at least.  All of that determination to not let it get the better of me, the manic go go go, the irrational anger and the inevitable crash.  My theory is that if I allow myself that crash, it's temporary and the necessities of life take over and get me moving again.

 

One year is a big milestone, don't downplay what it means to you.  Truth is, It really just plain sucks.  Wishing you peace going forward.

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs, jlp. I understand the exhaustion. Trying to keep busy really wears you out. I've had some time periods due to medical issues where I've been forced to sit nd rest. I think it helped me to renew a little bit, but that much time to think took its own toll. And of course, there is no one to handle things so they just pile up. My surgeon told me at my last visit that I must be feeling better since my wrist was improving. I was honest and told him I'm at my worst place since the accident, because of all that piled up while I was incapacitated.

 

If you can find some time to try to rest a little, it may help you some. I know it is hard to find. I do think expecting as little help from others as possible is the way to go rather than hoping for more and having to deal with the frustration and disappointment of it not happening.

 

More hugs...

[Jen]

((((((jlp))))))

 

This whole wid gig is so exhausting. It never. Freaking. Ends! Every morning I wake up-- nope, still a wid. No matter what the issue, the buck stops here. Doesn't look like that's likely to change. No one is beating down my door to take any of it on. I keep hoping one of my neighbors will see me struggling to cut my lawn with the 16" non-powered mower while it's 97F out, 90% humidity-- no dice. Oh, well. I need the exercise.

 

I'm just rambling. People mean well, I think, when they tell us "Just call if there's anything I can do!" They just don't expect us to take them up on it, and it doesn't occur to them to offer. We need a wid commune, where we can all support each other and the DGIs can happily ignore us. :-\