How to move relationship forward

[Trying]

I posted in BAG about the big changes I am making with moving and career.  This has prompted a conversation with my all too patient New Guy.  A conversation he has every right to want to have, a natural conversation for 2 people in a long term monogamous relationship to have. 

 

It started out like this "I know what you're goals are for our relationship but what is your plan and time frame for us to get there?"

 

As most of you know, I have been extremely slow to integrate him into my life because my older kids are resistant.  He has met some friends and my SIL, my FIL knows about him and is supportive but they haven't met, my mom and sister know about him but haven't met.

 

The main issue he brought up is that even the people who know or who he has met, have no idea that we are in love and very serious.  I tell people we are dating but don't elaborate.  Nobody thinks to invite him anywhere.

 

He is my best friend, my love, my biggest supporter and I want to have a future with him (it's hard for me to say "forever" anymore because only the person who dies first gets to have forever).

 

So why am I not shouting this from the roof tops?  Why do I worry so much about how everyone will react to me being in love?  Why have I let my kids have so much power in limiting my relationship?

 

With all of my new beginnings with career and moving, I want this to be a time of new beginnings in our relationship too.  Even though we will stil live apart, I want to be a real couple in the eyes of all.  How do I make this leap out in the open that has already been between us for so long?

 

How did others manage this shift from telling people you are dating to telling them you are in love and please invite him to Thanksgiving dinner?

[Portside]

 

So why am I not shouting this from the roof tops?  Why do I worry so much about how everyone will react to me being in love?  Why have I let my kids have so much power in limiting my relationship?

 

[snip]

 

How did others manage this shift from telling people you are dating to telling them you are in love and please invite him to Thanksgiving dinner?

 

Unless I am reading you incorrectly, there are two main questions here;

 

1) Why are you giving away your right to make your own decision, and

 

2) How to manage the jump from widow to woman in a serious relationship

 

 

My approach to these most likely will not fit with your personality and style. Nevertheless, here's my take:

 

- I didn't allow anyone, especially my children, to dictate what I was going to do regarding dating or relationships following the death of my late wife. It's my life and if I give away the power to make decisions to others who have different goals and objectives that impact me, I would not be living my life. I would be living their's. Life is too short to bow down to others in this circumstance - love them as we may. 

 

- First off everyone knew I was in a serious relationship once I was. I told all who listen. When an event came up that I thought my fiance' should be invited to but wasn't, I asked if I could bring her. No one told me "no" but I was prepared to not go myself if that was the answer I received.

 

I am from a family of 8 children with dozens of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. There was always at least one person that would not approve of someone's choices. Too bad for them. Live your own life as you see fit.

 

 

Good luck, Mike

[Guest TooSoon]

Trying, it took me a long time to "come out" as it were.  Part of me just wanted it all to myself; part of me was shy of further scrutiny from others; and part of it was to protect my daughter until I was 100% confident this was going to last and to be sure my own head was screwed on straight.  Only now, nearly two years since we started talking and more than a year since we've been committed, am I able to be completely open, but in many ways, this is a reflection of my cautious nature - hell, I wouldn't tell Andy my full name until, four months into our correspondence, a friend said, "You know you're being ridiculous, right?"

 

Anyway, my parents have not been supportive.  Both times they met him, they each acted strange.  They haven't been outright hostile but they have been exceedingly cool (and not in the good cool way, the cold cool way), especially my mother.  My mother makes faces whenever I talk about him.  This is about what they perceive to be the threat he poses to their relationship with my daughter.  They are afraid he will take her away (they live a mile from our house) to England.  I have given them no indication that this is happening (it is not) nor have they asked questions that would clarify their concerns.  But I'm not having it. As Portside said, it is my life and they have no say. 

 

We ran into a couple, formerly among my closest friends, on Father's day and while they were perfectly polite to Andy, I know it is weird for them - all of it: the messiness of my grief, my self-imposed reclusive phase and now this man, who is not Scott.  But again, that's their problem, not mine. 

 

If this is what you want, then maybe just take the plunge.  You might be surprised at how liberating it is to integrate the various compartments of life? You can handle any discomfort or challenges as they come up.  We're already used to doing that!  Maybe once you're in the new house?  New house, new man, new start?  Wishing you only the best.

[Guest Mel4072]

Trying,

I understand what you are saying as well. I agree with Portside and I had to get to that place in a roundabout way, not so straight forward. I got frustrated, (very frustrated), living for others, watching what I said, others reactions, worrying about their feelings and decided that I needed to change. I found a counselor who helped me. His attitude was very much like Portside's, no nonsense, matter of fact, straight forward, "it's your life, they will get over it". I had to reach that level of frustration and commit to changing myself in order to make that leap. It's hard. So far, only one person really has a problem with it (that I know of). My late husband's best friend's wife. She won't talk to me now. Not sure why and I am not in control of her, only me, so, I'll let it go. When my husband passed, she told me and her husband that she loved my husband more than her own husband and wished she had married him. (Sick, right?) my late husband wouldn't have touched her with a 10 foot pole, she had some weird fantasy going on. And a WHOLE lot of disregard for her husband.

My daughter doesn't want me marrying before she turns 18 and moves out. She is 16. She loves my fianc? but has gotten very spoiled to walking around in bra and panties is afraid he will act like a father to her and impose rules or discipline. Typical teenaged girl.

One thing that really screamed out to me while I was making this transition is "control". I was frustrated because I felt like other people were controlling my life and they had no business. The reality is that I was trying to control them with what, when and how much information I presented to them. I thought I could control their feelings by not telling them about new guy. Had lots of excuses. Protecting family, me, waiting, making sure it was right, not trusting my own feelings. Once I became engaged, I announced it and received overwhelming support. My daughter still scoffs at us getting married next year but only because of her own fears which we can address before the wedding.

Good luck to you. It's so nice to have that best friend, love, support, future with someone. It's really nice to be open about what's going on in my life and not trying to control others' feelings but letting them deal with their own feelings and me deal with mine.

I'm going to read Portside's advice about blending now. Lol!

[Sugarbell]

I get this.

 

IRL-as far as relationships go...I have always been pretty private. My close girlfriends know, neighbors, but I don't discuss any details. It will be a year in Sept since we started talking-he's met my Mom (who would not like any guy I got involved with)..and we go out and about to kids sports events etc.

 

Really--I don't care what anyone thinks...I just don't over share with people (yeah funny cuz on here I know I have)

 

But I don't have the old couple friends anymore--I could see that causing me anxiety if I did.--He's going with me camping with 3 of my friends and there significant others (none are married)..So he fits in easily there.

 

Nothing wrong with not wanting to shout it out from the roof tops. If you are both happy-that's all that matter. And I think people sense that happiness/comfort..which is good.

[anniegirl]

- I didn't allow anyone, especially my children, to dictate what I was going to do regarding dating or relationships following the death of my late wife. It's my life and if I give away the power to make decisions to others who have different goals and objectives that impact me, I would not be living my life. I would be living their's. Life is too short to bow down to others in this circumstance - love them as we may.

 

- First off everyone knew I was in a serious relationship once I was. I told all who listen. When an event came up that I thought my fiance' should be invited to but wasn't, I asked if I could bring her. No one told me "no" but I was prepared to not go myself if that was the answer I received.

 

That was my approach and it was my husband's approach too. We were grown ups. It was our life. We were polite but we were firm with kids, parents, siblings, extended family, in-laws and friends.

 

Once you give away power, it's extremely hard and more-damaging to get it back than if you'd simply hung on to it in the first place, imo.

 

When we were ready to move forward, we simply did. We discussed everything. We let kids and others know as they needed to and we just did what needed to be done. Not everyone was happy but they eventually worked their way through it on their own. You can't do it for them and if you wait for them to be ready before you start living again, you may never get the chance to live again.

 

It sounds like you have a great guy. Formulate a plan together and starting building your life. Worrying is not going to make anything happen or not. You can't control others and you can't protect them either. Resistance is generally their grief and only they can deal with it.

[Guest mawidow]

I just want to add that it *is* a brave new world and you are facing the inevitable growing pains with grace. The growing pains will subside as you guys proceed. Wishing you every happiness.

[Sugarbell]

Well....I do get Trying as far as her sons feelings. I really think it's an individual case by case kid by kid issue.

 

Ages, personality, gender, circumstances regarding death of parent, past relationship with deceased parent, relationship with living parent etc.

 

And it seems--and this is just my opinion of reading on here for years and meeting other wids over the years....that kids USUALLY have an easier time with Dad dating/remarrying than Mom. Not all cases of course...and this has just been an observation.

 

Especially the teen years....when my boys were 3 and 4...they could care less. Now almost 13 and 11...(and it's just been me for the bulk of 8 years)...I do take into consideration there feelings, input. No they can't be rude...but you only get to parent young people once. You don't get a do over in the impact you make on there lives.

 

I am not even close to thinking marriage-but new guy knows...while he has a lovely home, etc...The school system in his area sucks. It's not optional-if things progressed I would not send my kids to school there. There would have to probably be a move on both our parts.

 

From what I have read from Tryings posts her DH was a very active involved stable father for her boys for most of there lives. We don't know the dynamics of the relationship. If a kid had an unstable or unpredictable relationship with deceased spouse...I could see it being easier to accept a new stable partner for living parent.

 

As a parent...I feel we have a responsibility to our kids future, etc. We aren't high schoolers who can just "Do what we want and they will adjust"

 

Frankly...I admire the way she's handled her new relationship. None of this is easy...

[momtokam]

I have no answers or advice Trying but can completely understand where you are. I was almost there.

 

While I know our kids can't rule all our decisions, adding someone to their family is not something that should be done with only our wants and needs in mind, without some consideration for their feelings.

 

I really isn't easy.

 

[klim]

My teen boys come first......sort of

 

 

I work with them....making sure they're adjusting to the next step...whatever it maybe...giving time.... moving slowly.

 

I've not stopped moving forward but they are ever in my thoughts.

Their comfort is important but so is my hapiness.

 

A work in progress...

[Trying]

I guess I will never be of the mindset to live my own life as I see fit and too bad who it hurts.  I need to find some sort of happy medium between the way I have been doing things and that extreme.  As long as I am still raising my children I feel I am responsible for how my decisions effect them emotionally.  I agree they should not dictate my decisions but a respect for them and their journey does influence how I proceed.  I want them to have a long term relationship with this man who they really have a lot in common with but they need time to get past the idea of any man to get to know him personally.  Time to move from baby steps to kiddie steps at least.

 

As far as friends and extended family, I still don't quite understand why I haven't expressed that I am in love with him instead of allowing them to think he is just someone I spend time with.  Yes, I am a very private person but I can't be hurt if he's not invited places if I don't let people know how important he is to me.  I will start with my mom and my sister when we have a few days together next week, I know my mom will be supportive.  My best friend is helping me on moving day, she also should know how serious things are. 

 

I think there is some little bit of irrational guilt I feel about being in love again.  As if I have no right to more than one great love in my life.  I don't really believe that, but it's there some where, in the dark part of my thoughts.

 

You all are saving me money on my therapist as I work through all of this with your input! 

[Captains wife]

I hear you re: sharing your new relationship status with friends and family. I have been dating someone for 14 months and only recently did he meet my son and only recently did I post a pic of the 2 of us on Facebook (my first!). I agree - re: irrational guilt on finding love again, doesnt make sense but the feelings are there. I dont take my guy to most events, including my sisters wedding. My parents invited me to bring him on my next trip to visit them and I declined.

 

While our children should not dictate our lives, I am in sympathy with you on taking our children into consideration as we try and move forward with our Chapter 2. Your kids have been through alot and I remember you posting on some particular difficulties with your son. Youre a great, thoughtful mum for trying to bring all these worlds together at a slow pace that is accomodative for others but maybe not you : )