rememberingjason Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 So it has been a while since I have posted anything in this area because I have been in a very confusing "relationship" with a man who wanted me when it was convenient and wanted to date others when they were interested in him. I knew from early on that he wasn't really someone I could see the rest of my life with, yet I still kept hanging around begging for his attention...we became really close friends. So for the past few months it has just been the two of us (We have known each other almost 2 years) and then all of a sudden there is this chic from about 5 hours away that he just has to meet to make sure it isn't her and then we should really give it a try. What the FUCK!!! Who does that to someone they supposedly love and are best friends with. This is something I have allowed to happen in my life and it makes me so mad at myself...like I don't deserve better. I really let him have my heart and I am struggling to let this relationship and him go for good. Meanwhile, I have 2 really sweet, kind, but kind of not sure about men who always talk to me and tell me how wonderful I am and both want to seriously pursue relationships and I have put them on the back burner because the asshole mentioned above. I have been thinking about why I did this and I think some of it is because I knew the one would never lead to marriage because he wasn't really what I want in life. Self sabotage....relationship style..?? Anyway, I am struggling tonight with all of this thanks for letting me open up here, A. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 #1 dump guy. #2 pursue someone who is interested in you. What else can be said ? Very simple, "while you are down there please keep going, see ya" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 Thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maddalena Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 sunshine gives good advice. I look forward to hearing about the two nice guys... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
serpico Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Meanwhile, I have 2 really sweet, kind, but kind of not sure about men who always talk to me and tell me how wonderful I am and both want to seriously pursue relationships and I have put them on the back burner because the asshole mentioned above. This is the first thing that struck a chord with me. Maybe I'm misreading this, but aren't you essentially doing to these two guys what the 'asshole' is doing to you? No judgments, just thought I'd bring it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 Asshole sounds like he will always be looking for 'something better'. In his mind anyway. Dump him. You deserve better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 :-\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted July 27, 2015 Author Share Posted July 27, 2015 I am not that bad of a person as to do the same thing to them. I told them from the beginning that I was with the other guy and that I could be their friend only. They both chose to remain my friend only and stay in my life. One I will never date...he is like family. The other could be a possibility now that I have gotten out of the situation from the asshole. But I never lied or pretended like I was available. I really don't need advice as far as dump asshole and find something good...I guess I was more asking could I be looking for the wrong person so I don't fall in love and have to lose that again. I lost the love of my life and best friend once....maybe I am just looking for the here and now that won't hurt so bad when I have to say goodbye instead of pursing the right one. Thanks for everyone's input I appreciate all ways to look at the situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted July 27, 2015 Share Posted July 27, 2015 I sometimes think what I've got , which is only good for the" here and now" and very shaky for " the forever and ever" might be ok with me . But I don't know if I'm fooling myself. In otherwords I've had similar thoughts Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest mawidow Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 When I was dating, I picked the most emotionally unavailable guy out of the men I met. I don't think it's a coincidence. My heart was afraid to get too invested again and by picking him, I had some built-in speed bumps to keep me from moving too quickly. As my heart mended, I was no longer drawn to him. Sending lots of support. This stuff is not easy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baylee627 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 My first thought is stop seeing Mr. Unavailable. He's a prescription for heartache. Brush him off of your shoulder, post - haste. My second thought is to begin anew, and start seeing the one you termed a "possibility". It might be a balm to your wounded soul to spend time with a man who sees you as a catch, to be found worthwhile and desirable. I get it. The post - widowed dating path is teeming with complexities. I know you don't need advice, really. But really look at this. You've weathered enough torture...haven't you? Baylee Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted July 28, 2015 Author Share Posted July 28, 2015 I am so thankful for everyone's responses. I have really been trying to figure this all out. You all have helped me really think about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SieOma Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 RememberingJason, I think you could cut yourself some slack, if you need it, and it sounds like you might if you really consider this self-sabotage. If you developed a dead-end relationship on purpose, my guess - for you - wouldn't be self-sabotage. It would be self-preservation. I don't need to tell you what you've been through or why you might have developed a need to feel like a loved adult woman again while definitely keeping that feeling from settling too far into your heart. You get this stuff. I know you do. So, you took on what you were comfortable with, but now it isn't as cozy. That feeling is the first sign that you are about to make a move, and it sounds to me like you are ready to take on a little more now. Go you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thanks, self preservation is a good term. I have backed very far away from first guy ...after rereading my journal from the past year I saw just how messed up the whole situation has been. I also decided to be honest with myself and tell sweet guy that I was never going to want to date him but that I could be his friend. He isn't right for me either but he was the next "comfortable" one in my life. I am going to try to find what makes me happy in life these next few months and not worry so much about the dating aspect. Again, I appreciate everyone's thoughts and advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Please don't think I just responded with a generic dump the guy and move on aspect. It seems he had no respect for your relationship by stating what he did, a well if it doesn't work out with a new interest I'll be back for you attitude. So many times it seems our self confidence takes a huge hit because we weren't used to this dating scene as we probably all had a meaningful relationship with our passed spouses. And many times we (I'm also guilty of it), seem to fall for the wrong types, because of many reasons (mine being lonliness), but I have walked away from negative relationships, more times than I wish to remember. There are good people out there. And not so good. Hoping you find someone who will put you, first. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 I think I get what you are saying. My first 4 years post widow--I self sabotaged relationships in different ways...Everything from emotionally unavailable men, to men who I knew from the get go would not be compatible with me..to insecure jealous men...to players....I almost think on some messed up level I picked these guys intentionally...I don't know if it was low self esteem, guilt/self loathing over DHs death, not wanting someone forever, etc. And I would go from one disaster to another within a matter of weeks. Train wreck. I think it was a combo of emotions for me...but it was a prescription for disaster. I would break away from this guy....take time for you. ( I know I say that a lot...and it's not real popular on here...But I can't say it enough that my time solo-helped me figure out what I wanted, needed and deserved... and allowed me to work on myself so I had a lot to offer another person. We attract what we radiate.... But yeah--What I am trying to say is I get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rememberingjason Posted August 4, 2015 Author Share Posted August 4, 2015 Thanks sunshined- I knew where you were coming from and I was just in a bad place. I took it with the intention you mean. Sugarbell - That is great advice...and hard to do. I am trying. I really am so happy to have people to talk to about this. It has been so hard to let him go and be alone. School starts Thursday so I will have much less time to think about it all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted August 4, 2015 Share Posted August 4, 2015 It's ok. This the place to vent. You seem like a very nice person : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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