Working hard to make positive steps but can't take criticism

[Trying]

I have been actively making all kinds of positive life changes in the past couple of months, trying to carve out a future and embrace my present instead of dwelling on all that I have lost.  It's working for the most part.  I am so busy which leaves less time to dwell, I am excited about making my new house a home, enjoying the peacefulness of the lake across the street, motivated by starting classes, exercising more, eating healthier, and looking towards the future with new guy.  In general I feel more confident in myself than I ever have.

 

But...the minute someone even questions one of my decisions I get totally defensive and take it as a major criticism.  All of that new found confidence crumbles and I feel like I've been fooling myself.  I understand it's a process but damn, why is it so hard?  At what point do you stop worrying what other people think and just live your life? 

[BrokenHeart2]

I've taken on the mantra for a while now since loosing DH "what other people think of you is none of your business". I just don't give a shit what they think.  Until they have walked a mile in my shoes, unless I ask their opinion I think in my head 'yeah, whatever'.

I think my siblings are finally getting it.

[Guest mawidow]

Dear Trying, from what you've said, you have enormous gifts and have given yourself things to look forward to (which is essential after the shite hand we've been dealt). Even with your hard-earned new life, I think it's natural to still feel incredibly vulnerable in certain trigger situations. We no longer have the anchor, mirror, supporter, shoulder, whatever, that we had in our spouse. We know that life can be upended in a moment. That can stir up a lot of vulnerability. It's great that you know what your triggers are (certain kinds of criticism, and I'm guessing it's especially strong with certain people). I'm sorry people are not as supportive as they could be, but we are here for you. I'm a also big proponent of, "Don't believe everything you think."

 

Sending much support. xoxoxo

[Needytoo]

I too am embracing my present.  I do find mentally I do better if I stay busy but still find some peoples comments just sting.  I always think twice before saying anything that I think could come off in a negative way. I just don't understand why other people can't do the same. And why oh why does it bother me so much?  And when it does hurt why can't I just come out and tell them that their words hurt? 

  I just finished reading The Power of Now. I will admit I found it a hard read but he said something to the tune if you are living in the present then peoples negative comments can go right though you and they don't hurt you.  Sounds pretty great to me.  I actual had some success with it.  Had one person's negative comments just go right through me but then the next day my SIL say something that just burned my butt.  But did I say anything to her. No I didn't.  I just sometimes don't understand myself and I am getting tired of it.

Hugs to you Trying if you find a way to take the criticism let me know. 

[Trying]

Needytoo, I'm glad I'm not the only one struggling with this but sorry that you are too. I have so much trouble telling someone they hurt my feelings or pissed me off. Often though it's not even meant as a criticism towards me, it's just someone asking questions and I get so defensive and insecure. Poor new guy gets the brunt of those reactions, if he asks why I did something or did I think of doing this or that I immediately think he is saying I am incompetent. He often tells me how he thinks I handle my widowed life and solo parenting amazingly well but somehow I don't hear that, I only hear the imagined criticism. My confidence is improving but I guess I have a long way to go still.

 

I may have to pick up The Power of Now, it sounds like what I'm striving for. Keep practicing  living in the present and hopefully it will become your way of life, and mine!

[Virgo]

I think the reason a lot of us are sensitive to criticism from others is because we're already so critical of ourselves. You have been making a lot of changes lately and should be proud that you have the confidence to do so.

[donswife]

I  think we can be extra sensetive about critisism because we don't have the one person who always had our backs with us

whenever we questioned a decision before, we had our spouses to be a constant sounding board or support 

even if it was as simple as ordering a pizza

I so miss that

 

[Jen]

Me too. Oh, me too. Just stupid little things, but I'm weary of being where the buck stops. I take care of everyone, but no one takes care of me. I hate it.

[Mizpah]

the minute someone even questions one of my decisions I get totally defensive and take it as a major criticism.

 

Me too.  I never used to care what people thought, AND, in retrospect, I realize I was surrounded by only positive reinforcement.  Now, I feel like I overreact to even the slightest criticism that may not even BE criticism.  I don't like it.  I'm way more serious and intense now - I used to be more smiling and fun, lighter.  Ugh.