Update and THANKS!

[SimiRed]

Whew? what a ride!  Yes, I?m still on this crazy ride, but it doesn?t seem so uphill at the moment.  There?s no official handbook on how to leave an abuser, just like there?s no handbook on how to get through this awful widowhood.  I guess you just do it with every ounce of courage and drop of support you can find.  I am lucky enough to have a strong network of widows and widowers standing behind me every step of the way!!  Since almost 6 years ago when Rick passed, through now...with all I've been through since...you're still here with the helping hand.

 

All I can say is one day there was just one explosion too many and I knew it would never get better, I lost hope that ?things will change?.  The cost of staying became too high, I was no longer willing to stay with a man whose presence was a constant threat to me and my son?s emotional and physical well-being.

 

The fear of loneliness and the unknowns was the greatest stumbling block in my longing to be able to leave.  This I know you understand, the known is always familiar, even if it is abusive, or being a caretaker of a sick spouse.  The familiar became less terrifying than the unknown and again, the loss of a partner. 

 

I have learned that it?s okay to totally mess everything up on my list once in a while. (And that was HARD)  I?m only human.  I have a heart, I am strong, but even the strongest person will be worn down eventually, I guess that?s okay too.  I have to learn to not beat myself up from my mistake, I have to learn from it.  Strength comes in waves, some days I am wildly confident in every decision I make, other days..not so much! 

 

I can?t look back with guilt at myself for past decisions, I can know that I did the best I could when things got bad.  The greatest gift I can give my son who was in this abusive situation is to set an example of seizing control of our own lives and showing him that it is our choice to decide who we want to be.  It is our choice to define who we are, how others will treat us. 

 

For all widows, widowers, friends, I wish I could say with 100% certainty that it will get better.  I believe it will one day, and I hope for it with all my heart.  In the meantime, last night, after a meeting, I made a complete mess making a bowl of ice cream for my son, who likes melted peanut butter on top, after trying to melt the peanut butter in an unfamiliar microwave that turned into a lovely sticky glob? he stood there?giggling at me.  And THAT makes me happy for a moment, for I know with certainty that despite the storms and rages, that life will continue to improve, because no matter what storm comes our way, we grow and become stronger.

 

 

Bucket of nerves on Monday ✓

No coffee? would not settle with me ✓

Drove to courthouse ✓

Escorted by the Sherrif ✓

No tears..nothing ✓

No eye contact ✓

Uncontested, quick, done ✓

Walk out and never look back ✓

FINAL DIVORCE ✓

 

Yes, tears come and go, but not for that man?for the feelings I have.  Because I need to learn how to not worry about HIS feelings, I need to learn how to worry about mine. 

 

I have the right to be me ✓

I have the right to be safe ✓

I have the right to love and to be loved ✓

I have the right to be treated with respect ✓

I have the right to be human ? NOT PERFECT ✓

I have the right to make mistakes ✓

 

And best of all?

 

I have the right to control my own life and to change it if I am not happy with it as it is ✓

 

 

My journey is not over, it is just beginning?

 

Saturday, that POD I loaded back in June, will be delivered to my home.  MY HOME? and I will hang anything I want, anywhere I want, and I WILL make mistakes.

 

I will eat off the paper plates, the plastic ware, and sit on the floor to watch the smallest tv? BUT, I will be home and I will not be sitting there tense wondering whether or not today is going to be a bad day or what I did wrong this time?

 

I think I?ll watch a movie and spill popcorn, or maybe?.just make a peanut butter mess and giggle.

 

Love to all of you? YOU amaze me with the amount of strength that all of you have, the amount of support you give.

 

You can?t hear the tight notes in my voice when I say, ?Thank you, I cannot express how the genuine and heartfelt messages of the simplest words you wrote meant to me.  The strength you gave me is amazing.?   

 

 

 

[mmg19]

Class is.....Grace under pressure.  You have shown us an example of Class at its best.  Thanks for update. 

[Sugarbell]

Very proud of you!!!

 

Just take a step back now and breathe....Relax and be YOU...

[Guest sunshinedaydreamz]

One should never feel that they have to justify leaving an abusive relationship. Many of us are alone, I think. Wishing you peace now.

[SimiRed]

Finally got all my stuff to my new HOME.  It's a chaotic mess, but a work in process.  Getting the POD was a challenge in itself.  They could not deliver the POD up my driveway, so I had to have it dropped at a nearby business, rent a Uhaul, unload the POD contents into that, then back to the house to unload the Uhaul.  This took a couple of days!  It was stressful and a bit overwhelming, but I got through it.

 

I now have a four page list of things to do, my home doesn't have any storage areas.  No bathroom vanities (pedalstool sink), no linen closets, coat closets, laundry room has no cabinets, etc.  But, it's my HOME!  I went to Home Depot and purchased some closet made kits, cheaper than buying vanities and I can put them together myself.  I have my closet done, but now I'm working on the bathrooms and laundry area.  It's time consuming, but one step at a time. 

 

The first day we slept here, my son missed the bus...we just laughed, cause it's OKAY!!  We have to learn that our mistakes are OKAY.  I painted the dining room wall with the wrong paint, it was a close color and the previous owners left the paint for me to use.  But, it must've been the living room paint.  It's a shade darker, it's a natural taupe color, but a shade darker.  I painted it, thinking it would get better when it dried, but it didn't.  I spackled and filled all the nail holes, painted every nail spot, then wa lah... darker spots on the walls.  A mistake, a mishap, but amazing that no one was over my shoulder raging at me at how stupid I could be to do that.  I left the spots there for a few days while I went back and forth to the local hardware store with my piece of wall chip trying to match the paint.  It finally matched on the fourth try, the guy at the hardware store was very helpful.  He mixed it, then I just kept bringing the same can back for him to lighten more if it didn't match.  It was a process, but I got it.

 

Everything is Everywhere, boxes, bins, clothes, etc.  I finally bought some silverware on Sunday, so no more eating with the plastic forks.  I have a set of dishes, so no more paper-plates for every meal.  A process...

 

I have moments of emotional breakdowns, the whys?  The how could I have let someone manipulate me into something so wrong.  Why do I care about what he's thinking, doing?  Really, he begged and begged, all the while on dating sites looking for that woman to take care of her guy.  Seriously, I see red flags all over the place and I missed them the first time around.  He doesn't care.  He doesn't feel the sting of the hurt, the betrayal, loss or rejection that he did to me.  His selfish narcissistic ways blames me, accuses me of cheating, of lying, etc.  He's blameless, he only lost an object/possession that he wanted to control.  He'll find another object, it didn't matter that I was more than that, I was just something he possessed, not loved or cherished as one should be.  Not sure how I will ever learn to trust again, or to not look at someone and wonder what their hidden intentions are. 

 

I miss having friends around.  I do not know a soul here, but it's okay because it's time for me to sit back and gather my strength, to learn how to live again without looking over my shoulder waiting for the negative, hurtful, degrading words that would take my spirit away.  I need to learn how to open up to someone without the fear that I'll be emotionally shamed or belittled. 

 

Someday, I hope I can remember what it's like to be able to count on someone, and know that even though there can be rough spots, it will be a safe spot and I have to learn to not fear being emotionally hurt by them.  My skepticism won?t go away. I approach good, trusting people with suspicion because I?ve lived with someone who destroyed my trust. I seen him pretend to be good and I got hurt with the lies and abuse.  I worry that I won?t be discerning or careful enough to know what's real and what's not.

 

I hope to learn how to let go of the hurtful past, of the one who manipulated me into feeling that he cared.  He didn't care for me or my son, he only cared for what we could do for him.  I need to let go of the thought that I was nothing to him, that he can instantly go out looking to replace me in a heartbeat.  I meant that little.  Sad, actually, cause he missed out on two people that could have been the best thing that ever happened to him.  He sure is missing out on a lot, his loss....

 

I am striving for happiness, trying to learn how to keep moving my feet forward without looking back.  I need to remember who I am, who I was before, I need to dig deep and find that girl with the carefree smile.  I need to learn how to not be scared.

 

I miss my late husband, he loved me unconditionally, I miss him more now than ever.  I feel like I'm starting over with losing him.  The difference is my late husband loved me, cared for me, appreciated me.  I miss him and feel the loss so bad right now.

 

 

 

 

 

[IfIonlycould]

You are amazing, a TRUE inspiration to all of us.  Change seems to make us miss them more, you know that....

 

You say that someday you hope to count on someone again, I understand what you are saying Tracey, to have someone there for you no matter what, for what it is worth....you do have that....it is you, you really did this...you made the decision, you made the plan, you executed the plan...you did it!  You do have someone you can count on...it is you.  That has been a huge discovery for me this year in my grief processing, knowing that I can count on myself.

 

(((((((HUGS)))))) of celebration and support to you!

[Mizpah]

The first day we slept here, my son missed the bus...we just laughed, cause it's OKAY!!

 

Yes!  This makes me so happy.  I'm so glad you're on this new path.  I hope you're walking with pride every moment of the day.  Rock on, lady!