1 week in... I don't know how I will do this

[lcoxwell]

Grieving is the best time to stop hearing. 

 

Oh, how true this is! You will find that there will be well-meaning people, who are honestly trying to be supportive, but have no true idea of what you are going through. They will say all kinds of things, in an attempt to be helpful and to encourage. Only, their kind intentions end up causing far more pain than they realized. There are others, who are honestly at a loss for words and simply have no idea what they should be saying, so they end up saying all the wrong things. Some others may be heartless and callous, saying things that are meant to cause you pain, but I find those people to be the exception and not the rule, generally speaking. I, too, adopted the "nod and smile" method of dealing with them, and just learned to only listen to those who genuinely understood or made great efforts to.

 

The truth is, there is no way over, under, or around grieving. You must go through it, one way or another. Trying to avoid it, trying to only look at the positive and not deal with all that you have lost, will only cause you more problems emotionally and physically down the road. Of course, you do not always want to be steeped in the misery, wallowing in grief. From time to time, as you are ready, you do need to look at some positives, too, or you will never heal. The keys words there are "as you are ready". Until then, grieve in any way that you see fit, because there are no rules and no timelines in this process; and everyone must travel their own journey along this path.

[Aspen530]

Another morning up since 530am. Thought that continue to cross my mind, I wish it were me!!  He was stronger than me he could have done this and i just can't. I spent the last half

Hour listen to a video on my phone where he's laughin for 3 seconds.  I know it's not helping me but I can't stop. 

 

Unable to catch my breath looking at our dog or staring at ceiling.

 

Why did this happen??? I can't do it.  Everyday is a nightmare.

 

I miss him so much my whole body hurts. People tell me it will get better but I can't imagine that ever being possible.

 

We had so many plans. 27 is too soon.

 

How can this be my path? Such pain and despair. I don't want to go on...

I would never cause this type of pain to the people who love me and he would never forgive me even if death of I did but it still feels like I can't go on

 

People say the only way out is through but how does one indure this type of pain?!

 

My best friend is gone... N I want to die

 

 

[Jess]

Anne, I wish I could fix all of this awfulness for you. I couldn't imagine it ever getting better either. I am not even sure better is the right word for it. I think maybe it gets easier to live with the awful after a while. I remember how slow time felt. Every minute was torture. It will not always be like that.

 

I too had a video I would watch obsessively. The day before my husband died, we got a puppy. The video is of him playing with her. It was just so him... so normal. I had no idea 8-10 hours later he would be dead. I don'the watch it as much any more, but I treasure it.

 

You do not need to figure out how to make it through this nightmare right now. It will come with time. Eventually you will stop wishing a meteor crashed through your ceiling and ended it all. It took me several months to get there, but the first time I realized I wanted to live it was shocking. It is a weird thing to realize that a feeling of self preservation is shocking.

 

I know we keep repeating through the advice to take care of your basic needs like drinking water, trying to sleep, and trying to eat but at this point those are your only jobs and they are important. When you get the shock in days or months to come that you want to live, you will be glad you gave yourself the chance.

 

We are all here to listen and we care. Keep posting. We hear you and we get it.

 

 

[SoVerySad]

Anne, I'm sending you love and tight, tight hugs. I remember thinking the exact same thoughts that I wish it had been me instead, because my husband would have handled losing me better. I came to realize that he would have been just as devastated and heartbroken, because we loved each other so deeply. He handled many hardships in his life with strength and grace, but he never suffered as wounding a blow as losing the love of his life, his partner, his soft place to fall, his dreams for the future, etc. I think he'd be struggling just as deeply had the tables been turned.

 

I also understand your statement that your whole body hurts. I was shocked at the physical pain that accompanies the emotional pain - as if the emotional pain alone wasn't unbearable enough. Like Jess, I wish I had a way to lessen the hurt for you.

 

More hugs...

 

 

[Guest Lost35]

Aspen530,  I wanted to be in the plane with him, if only to hold his hand.  If only to be there for him.  If only to know we both understood what was going to happen.  Then came wishing for five minutes.  I still do.  I still wish for five minutes.  No one will understand what you are living more than anyone here.  In the middle of the night, when it is hardest, there will be one kind soul who is feeling the same, who will hold your hand... And one day, in the future, only when you are able, whenever that may be, you will be the one, here in the middle of the night, helping someone else.  In the early days, in the first week, the only way I could imagine surviving was to know I would have the ability to help someone else.  It was the only thing that made sense.  Hold on to whatever gets you through the moments.  It may not seem enough, but I hope it is.  PM me if you need more.  I will do what I can to help...

 

-L.

 

[Quixote]

I can't add much, except to say I think we were all there.  And maybe still are.  It's the worst thing in the world that could happen, and it did.  You wish it was you instead of them, or failing that, you too. 

 

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

 

It won't be easy.  It probably shouldn't be.  Eventually, you find life worth it again.  But for now, just keep working on the breathing and don't try to stop the sadness.  Do hug that dog, though.

[Guaruj]

I agree very much with this:

 

I think my dog got me through the first few weeks.  She was something I loved (and my wife did, too, very much so) I had to take care of, who I had to get out of bed for. It might sound dumb, but I'm probably alive because of that mutt.

 

Our cat provided Catherine with companionship while she recovered from cancer treatments and I was at work. Now that Catherine is gone, I feel I owe this cat a happy life. He's laying behind the computer monitor as I type this. Caring for someone (or something else) gives structure to your life.

 

Anne, I'm sure your dog misses your fiance, too.  Please hang in there, and stay in touch with us.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[Aspen530]

Thank u so much!! I feel the same way, sometimes I get out bed just to take care of our dog champ.

She was he's baby and I can never let anything happen to her. 

 

If I do one thing all day is make sure she eats poops n gets exercise n I try to have faith that he's looking down on me smiling and proud

[Jen]

More hugs, hon. I've been thinking about you... about everyone, just at a low point and not able to post. But I'm still here, still reading, and still holding on. We got you.

[lcoxwell]

I am another one, whose dogs helped me to survive and carry on, after the loss of my spouse. There were days I couldn't function at all, but I managed to take care of them. Had it not been for my dogs sleeping in my bed with me, I don't think I ever would have been able to sleep again, especially since my Kenneth died in our bed, next to me. With the dogs sleeping close to me, the emptiness was just ever so slightly more bearable.

 

About a month ago, I had to give up my dogs, when I moved to my new place. Every time I think of them, it brings me to tears, and I so wish I could have kept them. I hope that your dogs can bring you the peace that mine brought me, and that they can help you to heal in some small way.

[Aspen530]

I woke up at 430am today...

 

My mind is on repeat, hearing the news that the one person I love n the person who took care of me is dead.

This pain is so deep I feel like I need to cut it out. Like someone please cut my chest open and tear this pain away from my soul.

 

My skin feels like it's crawling. My heart is racing and the feeling that my protector isn't here anymore brings me to panic.

Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.

 

I wanna chain smoke cigarettes n cry till I either pass out or sleep. Even though I can't shut my eyes n not see his face.

I wish the pain on the inside was outside, I'd know how to fix that kind. This type of pain can not be fixed or masked. 

 

I'm either hearing Butch (Jason, which I never called him) is dead or my own thoughts of I wish I was. 

 

I'm thinking about going to a grief share (group thing) tonight, but I don't know...

I don't know anything anymore over than I may be breathing but my life is over

 

[Wheelerswife]

Ah, Aspen,

 

So much anguish!  I am also a grad student and I work in student support services, in the center on our campus that houses our counseling services.  I've had a counselor from the same center in which I work since a couple of days after my second husband died.  I hope that you feel you can take advantage of services that are right alongside you.

 

Have you thought about asking to change your GA position?  I would hope that folks in Student Affairs would be able to understand that the position you currently have is pretty overwhelming for someone freshly widowed.  Then again, you may wish to stay where you are, but there might be a healthier alternative for you at this point.

 

I'll be thinking of you today.  I will be spending some of my day promoting the concept of Ability Allies...in recognition of the 25th anniversary of the Americans with Disabilities Act.  My first husband had a physical disability and now I cope with anxiety myself.  We will both get through this day...one moment at a time..

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[Michael797]

Today I feel so low. My job is to promote mental health awareness on a college campus (pays for my grad degree)Today I have to promote suicide awareness for 3 hours and I don't know how to do that when I wish I were dead.

 

 

I saw my fianc?e's body at 7:30 am. By 10 am, I was at school teaching a full day of classes. I honestly didn't know what else to do with myself. I remember absolutely nothing from that day; the horror continued when I got back home, but that's another, equally ugly story.

 

You're pretty much in auto-pilot mode right now - the shock sort of overrides any rational thought. You're moving through time fairly mechanically, wondering whether it's some sort of horrible nightmare, half expecting a hundred people to come bursting through a door yelling "Surprise!"

 

You are destined to get through this, as all of us are. Most of us still wonder why it happened to us, none of us got a choice. But you are now on "widow radar" and the more you post or vent or rage or scream, the easier it is for us to find you and look after you. If the outside world takes its good old time to understand what you're going through (and it just might), we hear you loud and clear. If you feel yourself falling, one or more of us will catch you. If you feel like you're losing your mind, we have a lost and found section and someone probably already turned it in. There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.

 

For now, all bets are off. Do whatever you need to - we'll back you. That's how it's done.

[Aspen530]

Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

 

I don't know what to do with myself I come "home" and I just sit at their dinning room table and sob.

 

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

 

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

[Jen]

There is nothing you could feel or say that could shock us, but we're there to weep with you and for you. Little by little, it starts to help.

 

 

I just want to emphasize this. We get it. We don't want to, but we do. Keep talking. We're here, and we're listening.

 

(((((((HUGS)))))))

 

 

[Michael797]

Finished another terrible day at work... I'm living with my parents again so I don't even feel like it's my home. My home was with him and now that's gone.

 

Ditto. That was the ugly part I didn't want to mention. I came home to find out I had that night to get everything I owned out of the place. Long story, don't want to tell it.

 

How am I supposed to work and be polite and not punch someone in the face?

 

Nobody knows. Do you have any allies at work - someone who you can at least count on to understand? You'll need at least one.

 

I don't even know what to write anymore!! My brain is no longer functioning. 

 

Feeling pretty low today 😰💔🔫

 

Got that. No magic wand, truly sorry. You have a lot to process and not much to work with. All I can say is that if I got through it, you can too.

 

What I'm NOT going to tell you is that it takes time. About a week after the horror struck, I found myself at a Barnes & Noble scouring every book on grief I could find. The author of one book in particular mentioned that if all it took was time, you could go to bed for about two years, wake up, and it would all be over.

 

But you do need allies, folks you can vent to pretty much any old time. We can do that here, but communication on the board is asynchronous - there will always be a delay of some kind. It would be better to have real-time, on-demand support if you can get it. If not - well, we'll cross that bridge when you get to it.

 

Check back as often as you need - some of us "vets" are on newbie alert, so we'll do what we can as we can.

 

[Lisa]

Sending you support and caring

[Quixote]

Been there. Christ, the pain. It's overwhelming and very honestly, you won't act entirely rationally for a while. You won't care about important things. But small things can send you into flaming anger or uncontrolled sobbing.

 

If you can stand it, try to be around people who love you. By yourself time can be dangerous. Although you'll need some of that, too

[Jen]

So many hugs. I wish I had more to offer... something concrete, other than endless "I'm sorry's." They don't help. I know that, but I still am so, so sorry. That pain-- the feeling that every breath is a hot knife stabbing you-- It passes, it really does, though I'm sure that's hard to believe right now. One hour at a time... one minute... one agonizing breath. Just hold on. Hold on. (((((HUGS)))))

[lcoxwell]

When I was on about the same timeline that you are, I remember having a particularly bad day at work and coming "home" to a miserably empty house, in which all I could do was cry. I had heard some say to just take things one step at a time. I had also heard grief described as coming in waves. I remember coming to this site's predecessor and saying something along the lines of, "It's hard to take baby steps, when you are drowning in the middle of the ocean, and your feet can't touch the shore." We all understand the pain and the depths of despair. Please, please fell free to lean on us, any time you have a need.

[Aspen530]

Does anyone have any advice on sleeping? I can't seem to get more than 5 or so hours.  Every morning I wake up with a start at around 430-530am. The really weird thing is i believe that he might have died between those hours. I feel like my body is torturing me and waking me up Every single day at these times because it's when he left me.  I realize that isn't very rational considering I really don't know when he died. (In his sleep) I'm just so sick of living this life especially with no sleep

[Guest TooSoon]

Hi Aspen,  I'm so sorry for your loss. 

 

Not wanting to take pharmaceuticals, I started taking 3 micrograms of melatonin a while ago.  Over the counter doses are 3 milligrams but a friend recommended the much lower dose of 3 micrograms and it works like a charm.  One melatonin and a page or two of a book and I am out.  Can be ordered on amazon or bought at a health food store.  Also a spoonful of really good honey alone or in a cup of warm tea before bed will enhance the melatonin and make it more effective. 

 

Sleep is a problem for a lot of us.  Wishing you rest. 

[Wheelerswife]

Sleep is a problem for a lot of us.  Wishing you rest. 

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

This.  I didn't get much more than 4 hours of sleep a night for quite awhile.  I took to staying up as late as I could because I hated being awake in the middle of the night.

 

Hugs...and I hope you get more sleep.

 

Maureen

[Michael797]

TooSoon is correct; I second the melatonin recommendation. My bottle was 5 mg caps, and I ended up taking two of them every night - pretty much knocked me out. I stopped taking them because of grogginess during the day (I'm a teacher and can't afford to be out of it in front of a class of hungry wolves). Your mileage is going to vary, so maybe ask the pharmacist - but damn near every place that sells vitamins has it. Read up a bit, though, please. You might want to consult a doctor as well - Ambien is often prescribed, but all it does is knock you out; when the pill wears off in four hours, you pop right back up. Not recommended for long-term use, either. Have a talk with a pharmacist you trust about melatonin. And keep posting - somebody here will have an answer to damn near any question you can ask.

[Guest TooSoon]

I have zero grogginess with the 3 micrograms.  It is a tiny amount but it does the trick for me.  The higher dose just wired me even more.  I've never taken Ambien but my parents do and they don't remember anything I've said after they've taken the pill...