letting go of hurtful past to enjoy present - how????

[Mizpah]

So my "chapter 2" started "fast and furious" - super exciting, lustful, intense.  It quickly got serious and ROUGH.  I became pregnant, moved hundreds of miles, changed jobs, left ALL my friends and big social life behind, went from urban to rural life, we jumped into cohabitation after knowing each other for so little time.  I had routines (my gym/classes, my running schedule, my weekly synagogue attendance, my Hebrew classes, seeing my in-laws, monthly visits to the cemetery) that kept me afloat in my old life.  Here, I was adrift.  Now I'm a working mother, an attorney, with a commute that's an hour each way, and am poverty-stricken by the costs of daycare, buying a car.  His son did NOT take to our baby well, at all - hostility and violence.  Etc., etc.  Those of you on here have heard this story from me many times I'm sure.  The point: the strain on a new relationship between two VERY different people was extreme.  The first year plus was absolutely horrific.  Near-constant, vicious fighting.  I moved out a couple times.  Regretting the move.  Cursing the day I met him.  Terrible insults by him against me.  Disagreeing on every single thing, big and small.  The hurt has been deep.  I stayed for many good and bad reasons, including that it was entirely unthinkable for me not to have my daughter 100% of the time. 

 

Fast forward.  We have learned each other to a much greater extent.  He is kind to me.  We have date nights.  He buys me flowers on occasion.  We're getting way better at parenting together.  We go on hikes and bring the kids to the beach, we go camping as a family, we do family functions together, we have routines that are sweet and comfortable - we do the things that "normal" families do.  The family is coming together - even his son is adjusting better now that the baby is becoming more of an interactive person.  I'm glad I didn't give up. 

 

The problem though: I can't seem to let go of the hurt.  Whenever the slightest thing happens that's unpleasant or even hints at hostility or neglect, it's an avalanche in my heart and head of all the past hurts.  Like I said, he's good to me now.  The jerk he was is not the person he currently is.  Now I'M the problem - my inability to let go of what was and appreciate what is. 

 

Has anyone ever been in a relationship that went through a hard period, but then recovered?  How did you let go of the hurt to focus on the present and let it be as good as it can/should/could be?

[anniegirl]

Letting go of past hurt is not a quick thing. Even when life turns around, we still have those automatic responses that are "go to's" even when we don't want them to be.

 

Trauma - whatever the source - takes time to put behind you. That's what emotional injuries are really. Trauma that isn't visible.

 

Part of the moving forward is being aware, which you are, and wanting to repair or rebuild. But it's going to be a process that requires being very aware of why you are hurt or angry and not necessarily allowing those things to piggyback on old issues or wounds.

 

People repair relationships all the time. You and your partner are proof of this. Perhaps be proud of the move forward and don't let them occasionally backward glances or steps overwhelm you. Just acknowledge and keep going?

 

Being present in the present is something that most of us struggle with to one degree or another. You are doing better than you think.

[Pammy]

I love what Annie said, she always brings the sanity into a situation however, me? I am not someone who can forgive and forget easily or quickly.

 

I wish I could easily forgive betrayals, its a character flaw of mine, but it is what it is and I am too old to change now.

 

I had a conversation with my daughter not long ago. It sort of is comparable to what you might be going through.  She jumped me because I am still not trusting of her behaviour. (we went through a very rough patch the last few years which involved her becoming an alcoholic and rehab) I told her it is not my problem to "re-learn" to trust her, it was HER problem to prove to me that I CAN trust her again, and that might take months, or even years. She needs to take responsibility for the destruction she caused within our relationship; I didn't do it, she did. I think your guy needs to do the same. You need to be able to trust him again. Its likely going to take him actively participating in that process and it might take a long time for you to trust he won't do that again. This isn't YOUR problem, if anything it is both of yours. He set the stage at the beginning.

 

FWIW she (daughter) still doesn't' get it. She has been out of rehab a grand total of 6 months and she thinks we should just forgive and forget. Don't get me wrong, she is my daughter, I love her, I always will, but she did some things that really tested that unconditional love I have for her.

 

Good luck, I hope you can forgive and as importantly, forget.

[Captains wife]

First of all, I am so happy for both of you that things have progressed and you are making your relationship work - it sound as though things have improved immensely. After the honeymoon phase is over in a relationship, the reality phase kicks in - and you two were dealing with ALOT at once. That can bring out a bad side in most people. Its good to get that "hurt" out of you - talk to friends, talk to him (in a calm, respectful way), talk to us, talk to a therapist but it is in your best interest to let it go and move on from it. I know, its easier said than done - I personally have a VERY hard time forgiving someone for hurtful behaviour. My relationship history isnt nearly what you have gone through but I was having a hard time forgiving some past behaviour in my current relationship. But more recently, my partner has been much more loving, has made changes to make our relationship better and I have decided as a result to let some of our past go - and you know what, we get along better and I am happier as I am trying to do this and he is happier as I dont keep bringing up the past. I still feel some of that resentment there but when I do, I vent outside my relationship or I try and focus on the positive and let myself see things as they are today. Its important to appreciate when people make changes for you - and to recognize that. I have tried harder to do that. Sometimes if I feel upset and my resentment bubbles back up, I take time to myself to reflect - or I go work out (seriously). Nothing can change the past but you two can change your future.

[Trying]

I agree that trust takes time to earn back. It sounds like he is doing just that, those triggers will lessen. I am so happy to hear you both worked through such a tough time and didn't quit without trying. When you are in a good, happy, snuggling kind of moment I would take the time to acknowledge how happy you are with your relationship now, give him specific examples of the things he does that make you feel loved and respected. Then you can admit that you still struggle sometimes with the past hurt and may jump to anger or defensiveness because of those old feelings.  I find its best to have these conversations away from any conflict and some positive reinforcement for the changes he has made is good reinforcement.

[anniegirl]

Pammy makes a really good point about putting the onus on the other person to earn trust again and not taking on responsibility for anyone but yourself. You only have control over yourself.

 

 

[RobFTC]

When Michelle and I married, we moved in together as newlyweds and could fight about the smallest things.  And we were not very good at close-range fighting and negotiations with highly-emotional hearts on the line; heck, it had been years since either of us had had a roommate.  We did some damage.  We'd also come apart for awhile before getting engaged and married, and had some hangover from damage at that time.

 

We did some counseling, but I think what helped us most was actively working, out loud, on better ways to handle things.  We had matching books (copies of "Couple Skills" by McKay/Fanning/Paleg - highly recommended), and we used during or after conflict them to get better.  Seeing each other do that was very good at restoring trust and comfort - we got a sense that we were NOT stuck.  We got to be a couple that barely argued, made decisions easily with no looking back, and were darned good to each other.

 

When you have your breakdowns now, do you think you could try mutually get into the habit of stepping back and thinking about what was upsetting, what the reactions were and what way might be better?  Some of the most common issues can leave the deepest ruts, but can also give you the best shot at fixing things.  You can make some progress on your own, but I think the magic happens when you both buy in and try in terms of an investment.

 

Take care,

Rob T

[Mizpah]

I'll write more at some point, but wanted to say: I love you people (including those who PM'ed me)!  Your kindness, support, courage and wisdom never surprise me, but always increase my strength and clarity. 

[lcoxwell]

I often times say that my Kenneth was the most stubborn, bullheaded, difficult man I ever met. When he and I first got together, we argued over EVERYTHING, and I have never been one to argue. Over time, I realized that much of his desire to argue and fight were his attempt to push me away. Every serious relationship he had ever had ended badly, and he was convinced that I would end up leaving him. In his mind, driving me away would be better than seeing me walk away on my own. It took a long time for me to convince him that I meant it, when I said, "Till death do us part." Once he came to realize that I did truly love him and would stand by his side, no matter what, he stopped lashing out at me and our marriage eventually became a pretty good one.

 

Sometimes, it was so very difficult to let go of the pain and the hurt. My method of dealing with letting go may be a tad bit unorthodox; however, knowing you have a belief in God, I thought I would pass it along to you. Any time I was feeling hurt or bitter or angry, I started praying for him. I started asking God to intervene and to allow us to truly feel the love we should have for each other. I asked God to bring understanding and to take the pain and anger away. I also asked God to bless my Kenneth and to bring him happiness and peace. I found that the more I prayed for him, the harder it was to hold on to the hurtful past. Anyway, since you asked, that's how I let go.

[Guest mawidow]

Mizpah, I may be far afield here but I want to say: when I am having a hard time accepting someone else, I am usually having a hard time accepting myself. It's perfectly okay for you to accept that your previous relationship was harmonious, not bumpy or friction-y. This experience is different and I would think it would be hard to adjust and respond to how unfamiliar some parts of your current relationship are.

 

I know this seems tangential, but it may be relevant. Sending support.