Hello

[jcelpers]

Hi. Not quite sure where to start. I just found this site and read through several posts, and it seems like it might be pretty helpful for me. I lost my wife Karey after a long battle with breast cancer in June 2014, so it's been over a year now. The first couple months, I thought I was doing really well. There were lots of people around to help, lots of friends and family calling/texting, and I was just really focused on the well-being of our 8 and 10 year old girls, and doing what needed to be done with them and the house and everything else.

 

Then, something completely unexpected happened at around 3 months. I re-connected with a female friend that had been our neighbor a couple houses before. She was actually a good friend of Karey's as well. She had been divorced for a year or more at that point. Our kids had grown up next to each other, and we had known each other for 7-8 years by this point, so it was very comfortable. I had never in a million years imagined I would be with someone else so quickly, but it seemed right, and we both discussed it with our kids and the people around us that we trusted. Karey and I had conversations about these kinds of things before she died, and I knew she would want me to try to be happy. Long story short, we evolved into a serious relationship that was very good, for both of us, for around 8 months or so. We were romantically involved, but more importantly,she became my best friend. It all seemed so right, because we both missed Karey and it was very easy for us to talk about that and work through our grief.

 

Then, I guess somewhere along the way, the grief and confusion and feeling of being lost just really hit me. I think it was triggered mainly by the first weekend in May, which happened to contain what would have been our 15th wedding anniversary, my 40th birthday, Mother's Day, and my daughter's First Communion (yes - all in the same weekend). I was a complete mess for weeks. I had no idea what to do, and just plain felt lost. So, I ended up sort of pushing the new girl away, and asked if I could have some space for a little while. Within a month or two, I kind of came out of my crisis, and felt like I was ready to really commit to the relationship again. But at that point, it was too late. She had been pretty hurt (understandably) during that period that I had mostly pushed her away. We tried for a month or more to make it work, but by then just the combined stress of both of our situations had kind of taken it's toll. We finally decided to call it quits about a week ago. So, I've now lost my wife (and best friend), plus my new best friend, in a little over a year. I still think she's a wonderful person, and we text occasionally, but I don't think it's going to work being "friends".

 

I don't regret being in the new relationship, even though it's very painful now that it has ended. Although, I feel like I'm now suffering from a double loss. I guess being in a relationship that soon after Karey's death kind of delayed my emotions for awhile - or at the very least it gave me someone to share my life with, so the loss didn't seem as unbearable. Now, however, I feel like I'm starting over again. I feel like what I'm experiencing now, I should have experienced a year ago. At this point, I'm not even sure which loss I'm grieving. Probably both I guess. I know logically and clinically that there's no right or wrong way to go about this, and no right or wrong timeframe to experience grief, but I can't help but feel I did this to myself.

 

Sorry for such a long post, but it feels better already just to get this typed out. I guess my question is, has anyone else been through something similar? Any advice for me as a try to move forward? Any and all comments would be welcome, as I feel just totally lost right now. Also, if anyone is anywhere near Indiana (Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky) I would be interested in meeting up at some point (I have read a little about the WiddaBago thing) just to connect with others going through this whole terrible process.

 

Thank you for listening,

John

[Virgo]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find this site helpful. This community has been a great support system for me. My family and friends are amazing, but sometimes you just need to talk to fellow wids. I haven't started dating yet, but it's not uncommon to start dating just a few months out. There are several members that have shared similiar situations. Hopefully they'll have some advice for you as you move forward. I'm sorry your new relationship didn't work out, but maybe look at it as what you both needed at the time.

 

I celebrated my 40th birthday and 20th wedding anniversary by myself too. Not in the same weekend though. That is a lot! I'm also a Hoosier!

[twistedmensa]

I lost my husband in April 2014 and I feel worse now than I did then. A close friend just today expressed concern because I'm not looking well. My mother pointed out that it's likely because I am only now really feeling the grief because I had so much to do immediately following his death. I had to quit my job, sell our house and move across the country with two kids in tow. Now we have moved yet again into our new (and permanent) home. I think now that I have some stability in my life, the grief has finally hit me full force in a way I couldn't allow previously.

 

I guess that's a very long-winded way of saying that perhaps your lady friend was exactly what you needed at the time to process some of your emotions, and maybe being in a comfortable and stable relationship was the catalyst for allowing some of the more overwhelming feelings to finally surface.

 

I am sorry your relationship didn't work out, but at least you put yourself out there and tried.

[lcoxwell]

I truly wish that I had the right words to bring you some level of comfort and support, but I just don't have anything helpful to add that would be meaningful. I just wanted you to know I am sorry things did not work out, and that you are feeling such loss.

[Mizpah]

I guess being in a relationship that soon after Karey's death kind of delayed my emotions for awhile

 

This didn't happen to me, but did to a widow friend of mine.  She felt like, after the ending, she was thrown back into the phase of grieving she was at when she began the new relationship.  She'd been distracted from her grieving, thinking it was healing, but really it was just on pause, waiting for her.  My advice should be taken with a grain of salt because I only know my own experiences, but I think that I emerged from grief feeling very strong, precisely because I grieved so hard.  So my advice is delve into it.  Maybe go to therapy, write if it's your thing, think about her, suffer, let yourself "go there."  You may be more than a year out, but you may feel just three months out. 

 

(My boyfriend is a widower, and we got together less than a year out for him - I don't think he was ready.  It damaged our relationship, and I believe his healing process.  But no matter what, time goes on and healing DOES occur.) 

 

I think the fact that you sought out this place and reached out to us is a huge indicator that you are going to "be ok," because you want to and are actively trying.  You don't want to be "stuck."  Maybe that's "half the battle."  (I'm speaking in cliches, oh well.)  Loss hurts.  Breakups hurt so bad.  We discount that pain as widows, because we know a worse one, but breakups hurt so bad. 

 

I don't believe everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that people who don't stay in our lives can have served very valuable purposes.  Maybe it was unbearable before and you needed someone/a distraction.  Maybe now you feel thrown back into the early phase, but hopefully it's less raw and you're "stronger" (yuck word) to be able to face it. 

[jcelpers]

Mizpah: Thank you for the reply, that was very well put, and helpful to me.

[Jen]

John, I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved Karey, and for the loss of your new best friend as well. That's a lot to process, and I hope you will take all the time you need and be as gentle with yourself as you can. I think a lot of us look for new connections to ease the pain and the emptiness-- sometimes it works, other times it doesn't. There's no right or wrong, no judgment-- we all do the best we can with what we have, and no one gets to tell us how to wid! I'm glad you had a little space of peace and maybe some happiness, and I'm absolutely positive you will have it again. Just hold on...

 

So many hugs to you. I'm so sorry you had to look for us, but glad you found us.

[BrokenHeart2]

Glad you found us.  Hold on is right!