MrsDan Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 So, I've mentioned before that I've been talking with this guy, and now we've met twice. The first time, I enjoyed our conversation, but had some reservations in terms of spark, etc. Well, then he went on vacation, and we texted while he was gone. He sent me pictures and we just chatted. Then we hung out this past weekend, went for a very long walk. I told him I was widowed. We walked and talked for another few hours. He followed up asking if I wanted to go see a show. So I asked a friend if she would watch DD and she agreed. I felt bad asking her; I feel like I should reserve those favors for practical stuff or emergencies. But it dawned on me I've haven't gone out and done anything fun in almost four years. So we're going. And he texted me, telling me he's really enjoyed our conversations, and if I'm free before next week's show, let's hang out. I can't quite get a read on this guy, in terms of what he's looking for, if he's hoping this will progress past friendship. After seeing him on Saturday, I had this tremendous feeling of Oh shit. Oh shit, because I really like this guy, and what the hell am I doing opening this Pandora's box? The nature of Dan's death brought on feelings of tremendous rejection, why am I opening the possibility of experiencing more of that? My life is a complete shit show right now. What made me want to add more complications? My friend asked me if this is weird for me. I told her it was weird that I don't feel more conflicted. And it is. More mind fuckery to add to the intense mind fuck that is widowhood. I'm not sure what the point of this post is really. Just processing I guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 It is totally weird, scary and crazy to be opening yourself up to new possibilities! The thing is, without taking the risk you will never have a chance at love again. For now, just enjoy the attention and conversation and have fun. He's not asking you out to be friends, he wants to get to know you and see if there is something there, just like you. Remind yourself that you deserve your adult time, it's healthy and necessary. Try not to look to far ahead (something I have a really hard time not doing!) and enjoy the moment. This guy may be a keeper or he may just be a pleasant distraction that lets you get back in touch with that part of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sunshinedaydreamz Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
klim Posted September 14, 2015 Share Posted September 14, 2015 Oh it's weird alright....every step is weird but it can be good too!!! Trying said it quite eloquently........LIve in the moment and enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted September 15, 2015 Author Share Posted September 15, 2015 I think it may be a little more complicated by the fact that I feel rejected because of Dan's addiction. I was all in, but for him m there was something that had a stronger hold on him than us. And I don't really understand what's making me entertain the thought of ever going down that road again with anyone else. Whether it's just a friendship with someone I'm attracted to, a fwb, or whatever. I totally get that I should just live in and enjoy the moment. But let's also remember I haven't had sex in almost four years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted September 15, 2015 Share Posted September 15, 2015 Sounds to me like he just may like you for you and no one or nothing else. Does he seem like a good guy? a nice guy? If so, go with it and leave all that past stuff behind. Trust your gut and don't ignore it I hope you have fun! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted September 16, 2015 Author Share Posted September 16, 2015 He does seem like a nice guy. But I don't trust my instincts, not anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest TooSoon Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 MrsD, I really had to fight hard to trust my instincts (and I still do some days) but on the whole my "proceed with caution" philosophy has worked for me. Not a sprint, a marathon. Baby steps. Whatever platitude you want. Taking it slowly and consciously worked for me as I, too, but for other reasons, had plenty of ways to justify just not going there. Not offering advice just understanding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BrokenHeart2 Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 MrsDan, I understand because I don't trust my gut right now. I feel to weird in this widow journey. I totally understand your dilemma. It's so easy to give advice, not always easy to follow it! I hope it works well for you. I guess I just wanted to say I get it! . I hope he rocks your world! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted September 16, 2015 Share Posted September 16, 2015 Process away MrsDan. Venturing into dating after our loss is most definitely weird and really messes with your head. This guy likes you, based on what you have said. If you like him too, try and just take it one step at a time. Try not to worry about rejection and your history with Dan. I know, easier said than done, but try. You are entertaining this because you are human. You have feelings and needs. We all do. It's normal. Instincts are a funny thing sometines. Mine have not always been right in this new dating world but I have learned from each experience. You have to start somewhere and a nice guy who likes you, and you like, is a good place to start. After 4 years, you may want to tell this guy to watch out though!!! (Kidding!!!) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted September 17, 2015 Share Posted September 17, 2015 He may want to go slow himself. Most of us aren't kids any more. We've been there and done that. We know what's involved in building and maintaining a relationship, and we know it isn't easy, and we know not every candidate isn't worth the effort. I was far more objective and less emotional in evaluating my dates in Chapter Two than I was when I was younger. New Beau was slow to commit. It had nothing to do with my widowhood. It had to do with the last woman who dumped him. You don't know what his story is, I guess. I'm sure you'll hear it eventually. My husband never hid his addiction. I always felt like I was second to the bottle. It took a long time to arrive at a place of peace, where I could say, "He loved me as best he could." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Nonesuch, thank you for adding your perspective. That dimension is something that's hard to explain or even fathom if you haven't lived it. I actually like the pace he's taking; it's one of the things I like about him. It seems very natural and sensical. I talked to a couple other guys who came on way too strong, and it was a huge turn off. I think if I wasn't widowed, there would be no issues. It's been a fun distraction. But that's not something I want to find myself depending on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted October 5, 2015 Author Share Posted October 5, 2015 So, pretty sure he's not interested. Not sure what happened, but it sucks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Captains wife Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 That does suck - are you getting certain signs ? Dating can be so up and down - fun as well as disappointing. I've had a number of potentials disappear when I was out dating. Please don't give up if this doesn't work out - there will be another match out there for you.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted October 7, 2015 Author Share Posted October 7, 2015 A couple things he said, plus just a vibe. This is exactly why I didn't want to do this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Don't get discouraged! You got some adult time out, had some fun, got back in touch with that side of yourself that you put on a shelf for a few years, all Positive! No one likes to feel like they are being rejected, it stings, but you are testing the waters and taking chances. Remember how nice it felt to take some time for yourself, you deserve that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted October 7, 2015 Share Posted October 7, 2015 Patience MrsDan. I know it's not easy. If it's something you want, keep trying. There are others out there. Don't limit yourself to this one experience only. I was getting very frustrated as well. In the last few days I took a new approach to this crazy on line stuff. Instead of looking for just the right one, which wasn't coming anytime soon, I decided to just be social and meet new men that seem interesting. I'm trying not to put pressure on myself or on them. If a spark comes from it, then bonus! If not, hopefully I have made a new friend. It's so hard to be single when everyone else in my circles is married. I figure it's good to make new single friends to expand my circles. Not sure if this helps you in anyway, but I just wanted to offer some support and understanding your way. Yeah, it sucks. .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mel4072 Posted October 8, 2015 Share Posted October 8, 2015 I know the "oh shit" feeling. I found myself engaged. And I still get the "oh shit" feeling. I wonder why I feel butterflies 9 months in. Why do I get jealous? Why do I want this man who is just a guy? It's crazy how the heart, mind and hormones work. I don't understand it. What I do know is that when we are ready; we are ready. Embrace it. Don't blame yourself so quickly. It might be his own turmoil. Remember, men are human too. I am totally in love with my fianc?. How the hell did that happen???? It happened the first dance when he grabbed my hand and put my arm around his neck. It happened when we were watching a movie on his couch and I could feel our hearts beating together. It happened one night when I knew that my LH would be happy for me to live like "that" again. It happened when I invited him to spend the night and he slept on the couch to protect my honor. I don't get this shit. None of it makes sense.... None of it... But I know that he is human and scared too. He's unsure and can't explain it either. We both know that the future isn't guaranteed. Go with it. Just breathe. This is life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrsDan Posted October 10, 2015 Author Share Posted October 10, 2015 Well, he completely disapeared. A complete 180. So apparently my instincts were right. Except when they weren't, because man, I was blindsided. No, not doing this again. Time to go back to my little world where I function only to take care of crisis after crisis until DD is all grown up. Time to go back to trusting no one again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 disappearing without an explanation just sucks, I'm sorry it didn't work out better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Oh, hugs, HUGS. I'm so sorry. This is what terrifies me... it's safer in my hamster ball. :-\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Virgo Posted October 10, 2015 Share Posted October 10, 2015 Nothing ventured, nothing gained. ((Hugs)) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest nonesuch Posted October 11, 2015 Share Posted October 11, 2015 Mrs. Dan, I had a male (not a real MAN, I'd say) who emailed me that he was eager to meet. Wanted to move the date up, but realized the holiday season was busy. FIVE days later, no call/no show. I got home to an email that read he'd rekindled a former romance. : : : He answered another of my ads two weeks later. I suppose an explanation or some honesty would be polite, but we don't always get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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