Feeling so very alone this morning...

[rifatheroffour]

I just need to vent a little and feel like there is no where else to turn to.  I know I have many of you who I could call but you also know its just not the same as reaching for a hug right next to you when everything seems so bleak even if its just in the moment and in reality it isn't really THAT bad.

 

I fell asleep on the couch last night while texting a friend who is having a difficult day today.  I woke up to realize I've not been good at keeping in touch lately with those friends that have been there for me.  I had a profile up on a dating site and had a few conversations then suddenly radio silence.  Is it something I said, or was I not responsive enough?  Could be...but why?  Am I still just not ready?  Or am I still stuck on someone else I had a brief and uplifting 2 months with. I just did not want to get out of my bed this morning and only did when my son said he had to be at school early today and could I make his lunch...the endless responsibility of being a solo parent is so daunting at times.  At 2.5 years in and seeing I have another 5 to go till the kids are through high school is sobering.  It crushes my desire to move forward with my own life, I do not resent the kids, I simply see the long road and some days like today it seems endless.

 

With this start to my day I found my self sitting in her rocking chair, legs pulled up tight and then it hits me this is where I spent many hours that first week in hell.  God I miss her and having someone to just share and decompress with.  I got an email from the Crisis Team at the high school while rocking.  It said a member of the school family was killed in a car accident last night and that counselors would be availabe today...no other details!  A student? A staff member? Do my kids know them? How will this affect them? My senior is doing so much better so far after a dismal junior year, will this set him back?  So many freaking questions and my right hand is not here to work through this with me.  Of course if she were here I'd have been at work already and would not realize how potentially devastating this news could be...ignorance...I have lost that innocence.  To be able to go about life and not have other's tragedies trigger such intense feelings, I wish I could be there again.  As I contemplate this post I was just told that she is a senior, but my son didn't really know her...I am relieved for his sake which makes me feel a bit shameful.  No one should have to be going through this, but why not I did.  Ten minutes ago this triggered a deep cry that I had not felt in months and suddenly it seems not to matter so much...

[DonnaP]

Hey sweetie,

I SO wish I could be there to give you that hug you need right now! I know that life without our dear spouses can be (pick one, or more) challenging, overwhelming, frustrating, daunting, heartwrenching, dismal, exasperating, infuriating, lonely, and just plain sad. It's ok to let the tears come from time to time. Not a one of us can be superman all the time. You have done an amazing job picking up the pieces and moving forward with your life and your kids' lives. For myself, I thought from the get-go that the children were a blessing. They are simultaneously a reason to go on and a major responsibility. Sure, without that tether, you'd be free to pursue a new relationship, unhindered. But then again, without them in the picture, there would be an endless supply of emptiness too. I'll bet there is even a certain amount of guilt riding around in your head right now, just thinking of what it would be like if the kids were out of the house.

 

I also hear your apathy regarding the senior who was killed. A big part of that, of course, is our numbness from the previous loss. Very few things can even come close to the pain we felt from the loss of our spouse, that other losses, especially those that are removed a bit from our own circumstances, seem to pale in comparison. If it does not affect us directly, it's hard to feel something. I think your high schoolers will feel a little of the backlash, but not as much as if they knew the person. So, there is that small bit of relief. No need to feel shameful, in wishing for less pain for your children.

 

As far as the dating profile goes... when the right relationship materializes, as I'm certain it will, everything will fall into place. It may be that the two-month gal is still in your heart. If so, perhaps that is where you need to look. It sounded like she was good for you. No matter what, you deserve to be happy. Your kids want that for you too, even if they don't always show it.

 

HUGS, my friend. I hope the day gets better for you.

Donna

[momtokam]

Vent away.....getting it out, in many ways, is therapeutic, especially a good cry.  We do get it. We all miss that hug that says everything will be ok.

 

My younger two are in grade 6, I have 6 more years until they graduate. Very daunting for sure, not because we don't love and cherish our kids but because the solo thing is so overwhelming at times. No one to turn to and say I need a break, do you mind taking over for a bit?

 

The on line dating "poof" factor is so normal sadly. I had a nice potential conversation going on over a couple days, we both wanted to talk on the phone, then poof! It has nothing to do with you at all. The right one won't go poof. We just need to be patient I guess.

 

I'm so sorry to hear about the student and the accident. In many ways I think we go into a kind protection mode when we hear things like this and think thank goodness it's not affecting my kids too directly.

 

Just know we get it....

 

 

[Captains wife]

Yes, vent away. This widow/widower life is so hard - all of it, grieving, being single parents, trying to recouple. I have mornings where I just want to stay in bed the entire day and watch bad TV - but I have a 4 year old tugging on my arm.

 

Im really sorry you are having a rough time right now...it will pass but it feels pretty crappy when its here. Need local bago soon !

 

All the best,

[Virgo]

I haven't tried online dating, but I have been texting a few guys within my social group. When they don't respond to my text I don't contact them again for awhile if at all. I don't want to come off as annoying or needy. Maybe if you were the last to respond that's how the women feel?  Just another perspective.

 

I'm beginning to realize how difficult it can be to date when you have young children. It does sometimes seem like it would be easier to wait until they are out on their own. My youngest is 8, so that would be a long wait for me. My daughters will always come first, but I also enjoy having time for myself. It helps me be a better mom. When I'm struggling the most is when I'm doing almost nothing for myself. I go into 'mom mode' and just take care of their needs.

 

((Hugs))

[SoVerySad]

Sending you a tight hug, RIFF. I'm sorry you are feeling the absence of your wife so acutely right now. Sometimes we just need to surrender and let ourselves re-recognize the loss we've suffered. We are called to spend so much time putting on a good face and keeping things on track for the kids - it seems inevitable that at times we need to slow down and let what we've been holding in out.

 

Sometimes my anxiety about feeling like I'm not doing enough for my kids since I'm doing it all alone makes me anxious for them to grow up quickly so I don't get a chance to really screw it all up. Then I feel terrible, because I want to savor this time with them as much as I can. I know how important it is to do so. You are right that it feels daunting. I'm helping them make important decisions without input from their father. It just feels wrong to no longer have his wisdom and input to rely on.

 

I have no experience with dating sites, but feel certain if given the chance to get to know you as the beautiful person you are, women will respond. They might just believe you are too good to be true at this point. You really have done an admirable job managing the busy lives of your children and your job while grieving so deeply. I'm always impressed by all you accomplish and your active involvement in your kids' lives. In that respect, it makes sense to feel relief that your kids don't have to deal with the loss of a friend. I see no reason to feel guilt about that. They've already endured so much hurt. It is a loving and natural response to hope to protect them from any more.

 

More hugs...

 

 

[Trying]

Sorry you had such a rough morning, some days it all just piles on and you have to let it out. 

[BrokenHeart2]

Sorry to hear it's been rough, I hear you RIF, this all sucks!

[donswife]

so sorry about the bad day and that awful feeling about missing your wife

when it hits like a tidal wave like that its hard to get back up again

hugs to you

[rifatheroffour]

Thank you all for your thoughts the day did get better and today has been busy so I am sufficiently distracted.  Sometimes it just helps to type it all out instead of holding it all in all the time.