The indepent child paradox

[ieh21]

So. I hired a tutor and I called the teacher. It turns out I am an idiot parent.

 

It's a paradox in our home: I am a very free range. I have been pushing almost since birth a sense of independence in my children. I let them run way ahead of me on our busy street, confident that they will stop. I routinely give them money to pay for things at the corner store so that they will interact with strangers in a safe and responsible way. I stand in the background when we have our annual lemonade stand and let them handle both the marketing (running after people to sell their wares) and the finances (taking the money and making change.) They are 4.5 and 7.5.

 

It turns out many of the problems my Eldest DD has at school, including the fact that despite being super good at math, she recently flunked a test meant to demonstrate her ability to count from 1-100 (which I know she can do), are my doing. The problem? She has ZERO responsibilities at home. I am so hyper efficient and demanding of efficiency that I do everything for them. They play? I clean up because I want the toy room to be *just right*. I dress them in the morning (literally) so that I don't have to yell at them five times to get their act together. The nanny or I put her books in her school bag to make sure she doesn't forget anything. The result? Or at least, the partial result? She is the last to complete all tasks at school and requires hand-holding and prompting to do the most basic things (for e.g., when they are getting in line to go eat, she'll be dawdling until the teacher calls her out, and then she'll let a friend pick up her lunchbox instead of hurrying to get it herself and get in line.) This also means that her results aren't good because she takes too long to do her tests and doesn't have time to correct herself. Because, partially at least, I've never given her the mandate to do anything on her own in a limited timeframe. There are obviously other issues, but this is part of it.

 

I'm going to work very hard to solve this, but I am really irritated at myself and somewhat amused at the paradox. My daughter is one of the most independent children I know, yet she wont' get her own lunchbox... Mothers of younger children beware: teach your children a sense of responsibility at a young age. Even to the detriment of your own sanity. Don't let your own need for efficiency take over...

[Trying]

First of all, give yourself credit for letting your children spread their wings and don't beat yourself up, they are still little!  This may be more about your daughters personality than your parenting. I have 3 kids who I have parented the same and they are very different! My middle son needed a note on his bedroom door until he was 8 or 9 to remind him what to do every morning. He will still, at 17, get his little brother to get him a drink or clear the table for him.

 

As far as giving them responsibities, yes, you need to for their sake and yours in the future. However, as a busy solo parent it is quicker and easier to do things for them sometimes!  Pick the things you can live with them doing themselves (even if you have to redo it when they aren't looking).  Hang in there, this parenting thing is a learning process and the rules keep changing!

[widowat33]

I can so relate to this.

My boys are pretty independent  also, and I've always encouraged them to be. But yes sometimes it's just easier to do everything. My problem is I'm very picky, some may say OCD so in my mind if I wanted things done right, for example making their beds, I just did it myself!

The result of this hasn't impacted their school marks/work yet..however I do see the impact at home at times. My youngest at ten years old recently decided that he can't put his own socks on. Yes to save time and fighting in the morning I put his socks on, which he always adjusts afterwards anyways..just typing this out makes me realize how ridiculous this is,lol.

I don't think you are an idiot parent at all. I probably wouldn't have even made that insightful connection between no responsibility and failing a test, so kudos to you!

Great advice though..I think tomorrow I will make him put on his own socks

 

[serpico]

I have been pushing almost since birth a sense of independence in my children.

 

The problem? She has ZERO responsibilities at home. I am so hyper efficient and demanding of efficiency that I do everything for them.

 

The dichotomy between these two statements makes your situation very difficult to understand, but I am glad you have figured out the problem and have resolved to change it.

[Sugarbell]

I get this.....This is my middle kid.

 

The youngest and oldest very independent....do lots of chores. They are also high maintenance in terms of parenting.

 

My middle kid...low maintenance sweet lovable...but lazy as shit. And somehow because he's so easy going I let chores and responsibilities slip with him. Hasn't affected grades but every year the teacher tells me he is the messiest kid in class and is desk is a pig pen.

 

But I am guilty of doing it all too...because I know how I like things done...but I am not doing him any favors.

[Guest running with scissors]

I did this with my son, who is 20 now.  Oh how I wish I could go back and change things.  Start now giving them more responsibilities.  It only gets worse as they get older.  Take my word for it. I regret doing everything for him even though I thought I was doing the right thing.  Good luck.

[ieh21]

serpico

The dichotomy between these two statements makes your situation very difficult to understand

 

Indeed, hence the paradox. I've thought about the situation itself, and I think an adult equivalent is an old man who was otherwise successful and yet is completely unable to take care of himself when his wife dies. Or my very intelligent PhD supervisor, a great chemist with very broad cultural interests, who couldn't pack for himself to go on a trip or make dinner if his wife was away.

 

My child is independent in the sense that she is a free thinker who challenges things that she doesn't agree with intelligently, without timidity. I trust her to interact with adults so that for e.g. when we go to the amusement park, I give her money and she deals with waiting in line and purchasing tokens herself (been doing that since she was 5.5) In other words, I'm very keen on teaching her at a young age how to deal with the world around her. This in my mind makes her independent. She doesn't always need me to deal with the world.

 

However, I've never really taught her to deal with the minutiae of life in a timely, organised fashion. Unfortunately, to be a successful student, you need both types of independence.

[canadiangirl]

Having the same issue here, I GET IT.  It's haste, efficiency and weariness in general that makes me clean up after my small one - but at school pickup I can tell which is my family's backpack because it's the one that's open with the things strewn all over the hall. 

[MissinGrizz]

It was easier to just do for them after DH died.  They had a difficult adjustment when I changed things, and I did that much later than you did, in the pre-teen years (and I'm a teacher and should know better!). My kids are now great, both teens, so don't kick yourself; just move on in the right direction. Kudos for noting it and deciding it should change.