Why do I feel worse now than I did 5 months ago?

[Guest DebW]

I'm coming into the 5th month since my husband died and the last few weeks I have been feeling worse than ever. I thought I was doing ok, yes I was devastated, sad, lost and grieving but lately I am struggling to even function. I cry myself to sleep every night, I wake up at 1am, 2am, 3am despite using sleeping tablets. I get up and sort the kids and work part time but the days I'm at home I am just aimless, unproductive, unmotivated. I feel so lonely, I miss him. I thought things would start to get easier with time but as each day passes and I feel myself moving further and further away from the memory of him it's just getting harder. Everyone's lives seem to be moving on but I feel like mine is on pause. I feel like everyone has forgotten him, forgotten what we went through and what I've lost.

[BrokenHeart2]

Yes DebW, I am so sorry but to tell you my truth, the shock is wearing offf and the horrible truth is setting in. That's how it was for me anyway and our grief journeys are all unique to travel through.  Just remember baby steps and drink lots of water. Let your grief come and not bottle it up because it will find another way to yield it's ugly head. I'm so sorry you are going through this and the support I got here was amazing.  Keep posting you pain, we get it.

Hugs to you!

 

[Trying]

(((DebW))) it does, for most of us, get worse before it gets better.  In the beginning there is shock, there are details to focus on, there are usually people around supporting us. People go back to their lives and we are still stuck in our nightmare.  The reality that this is permanent sets in and I remember not being able to do anything more than what was necessary for my kids and work.  I promise it won't feel like this forever, I can't tell you when but in time you have moments of joy and hope sneak in.  They will be fleeting at first but grab onto them.  The grief will be there, but it won't always front and center.

 

You can talk to us here about your DH, tell us stories about him, talk about all that you went through.  People in our real lives don't always know how to allow us to talk about it but talking about our love who has died is an important in our healing.  I remember being afraid I was going to forget all about him so telling stories became so important to me and still is.

[Mizpah]

I agree with the others.  The shock protects you in the beginning.  You live in a haze, you're like a strange, sickened automaton.  Now, you are returning to yourself, waking up a bit.  Reality is setting in, and you are seeing this really is permanent.  Perhaps the abundant support of the beginning has faded a bit.  And you are right - time is taking you further from the last time he was with you, and you'd prefer time go back.  People say so much that grief isn't linear, and it's so true.  It's not logical.  It's not a process of consistent betterment.  The only simple thing about it is that it is hard.  It's still very early out.  Don't put the pressure of expectation on yourself.  I would say expect to feel bad, and if you have any moments of respite, take them.  We're here for you.

[Jen]

I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, so I'm sending gobs of ((((hugs))))). Hold on, breathe.

[donswife]

sending hugs your way

it is so hard when the shock is starting to wear off and little bits of reality creep in

I wish it could be easier

take care

[Lmsmdm]

Big hugs, you will learn that it will ebb and flow. Someone once referred to grief as a roller coaster. I feel that's a great analogy.

 

Enjoy the highs when they come. Deal with the lows as best you can. Eventually the good days will out number the bad.

[JenM]

@DebW your story caught my attention. I have only Checked out this site today for the first time but felt the urge to write you. I lost my husband suddenly and tragically 5 months ago as well. I too thought I had been thru the worst but I am a complete mess! I think I have only now somehow come out of the shock of losing him. It's crazy...I thought I had somewhat come to terms with it but clearly I haven't. Christmas coming isn't helping one bit. There are so many new thoughts and memories that are now pouring through my brain. I have cried before and a lot but now I can't stop...everyday...it seems constant. My face hurts. I feel in a panic, lost and alone in my head. How do I move on other than just going through the motions for my kids and family? It's really weird but I feel as tho I've just been "holding on" like he will be back soon, just hold on a little longer but for what.? He isn't coming back.... I  don't know what words of incouragement I have for you as I am just as lost so maybe we can help each other.

[Guest DebW]

Hi Jen

Thanks for replying, but I'm so sorry you find yourself here. I just passed the 6 month mark on 27th, the thought of another milestone was worrying me but in actuality the day itself was just another day. I am finding things OK right now but I know grief is forever changing and I don't know what tomorrow will be like. I too felt like my husband was just away somewhere, he was still here on earth but just not with me. Now I just feel like I know he's gone and he won't be coming home - that finality is so hard to face and accept. I don't have the same panicky feeling of what I will do or how I will cope - because I AM doing it and I AM coping. I take comfort in my kids and our home where we had so many happy times, I still feel very lonely but I don't feel so lost now. The normality of the work/school schedule keeps me very busy and the next few weeks before Christmas are hectic so I know the time will fly by. We are putting our tree up this weekend, the kids are really excited so I'm hoping we can have some happy moments amongst the sad.

I would love to hear more about you, your husband and your children so please write back or PM me if you want. I hope you're doing OK. xox

[sakeraki]

Recently I also find myself wondering why everything just got more difficult and painful. I thought there wouldn't be longer nights than the first nights immediate to her death. Those were a new depth of pain I had never experienced before, and somehow almost five months later, I feel worse than on the first days.

 

It is not that people have steadily left me alone. I wanted that all along. It is not that the sentence on the worthless being who killed her was light and meaningless. I knew all along there was no punishment big enough to do us any justice. It is not that the winter holidays are here. I've always been a grinch. It is not that our oldest son has suddenly stopped asking about her...well, it is a bit of that. Its just somehow got worse. I can't even describe it or link it to something specific, and I'm running out of stamina. Feeling this sad is exhausting.

[Elbel66]

Deb, I feel exactly the same way.  Monday will be three months for me.  When I am out working at one of my jobs, I am usually ok, when I am home, or even on my way home, I become paralyzed.  I aimlessly walk the aisles of the grocery store in a fog, At home, I just sit.  I think of all that I could be doing or should be doing but don't do it.  I listen to songs that make me think of him and make me cry, over and over.  I am having a harder time now than I thought I would.  Thanksgiving, then our anniversary in a couple weeks, Christmas and then his birthday....it's all too much.  I just want to stay in bed and hide.  I go to work tho, I talk to friends, I go on, but I feel like a shell of myself.  I am a pretty good actress sometimes.  I am constantly saying, how can this be my life now?

[Guest DebW]

Grief is so exhausting, so is trying to keep up some form of normality which is why I guess it's common to just fall apart when the opportunity arises. When my husband was diagnosed as terminal I never believed I would even be able to survive 1 day without him and suddenly I blinked and it was 6 months.

How old are your children Sakeraki? I read your post and I am so sorry about your wife, what a terrible thing to happen. I can't comment on what that must've been like for you and what turmoil you must be going through now. I had 8 months to start the process of grieving as when my husband was diagnosed he was already stage 4 and for palliative care only.

How about you Elbel66? I would love to hear about your husband. Don't worry about things you should be doing, I totally lack motivation and energy - it's all I can do to keep on top of the basics. It's such early days, for all of us.

[lcoxwell]

Honestly, I cannot add to what others have already stated so very well; but I wanted you to know that I did take the time to read what you posted, and I am sorry that you are struggling. (((Hugs)))

[Guaruj]

Monday will be three months for me.  When I am out working at one of my jobs, I am usually ok, when I am home, or even on my way home, I become paralyzed.  I aimlessly walk the aisles of the grocery store in a fog, At home, I just sit.  I think of all that I could be doing or should be doing but don't do it.  I listen to songs that make me think of him and make me cry, over and over.  I am having a harder time now than I thought I would.  Thanksgiving, then our anniversary in a couple weeks, Christmas and then his birthday....it's all too much.

 

What made the biggest difference for me during my first year of widowhood was an established routine. I started getting up earlier than before (5:00 AM). I would get dressed, eat breakfast and visit Catherine's grave. That way, I would do something to remember her before speaking to another person. That meant a lot to me.

 

I would get to work around 7:00 AM. I kept my errands short after work. I ate dinner while watching the news, then I'd watch some trashy TV shows before going to bed early. This kept me from drinking too much liquor or doing other regrettable things.

 

It sounds like you have a lot of things happening in the next month or two. Please keep us posted on how you're doing.

 

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[Elbel66]

Thank you for asking!  We were married for 25 years, would've been 26 in a couple weeks.  We didn't have an easy life, but it was ours nonetheless.  I was lucky to be loved completely by Bob, I was safe with him, in all ways.  I miss that feeling. He could do everything, and did do everything.  His health had been deteriorating but not the reason for his death. He fell and hit his head and had a fatal  brain bleed.  I miss his presence, I miss his laugh, his yell, I miss saying goodbye to him in the morning, I miss hearing his voice.  I also lost my Dad this year, in April, so saying this has been a crappy year is an understatement.  I have an incredible family and support system, I am grateful for that.  Two unexpected and sudden deaths take a toll.  I get on here every so often and am happy to know that I am not alone in my feelings.  As a friend of mine, whose husband died years ago told me....it's not as much the actual holiday (Thanksgiving, Christmas, anniversary, birthday) as it is the days leading up and immediately following....

And yes, when I am in a routine, days that I work, I am better,it'the days off that I have more problems with.  I want days off and yet all I want to do on those days is.....nothing......