Im such a bitch

[Carey]

Well, how's THAT for a opener?  I've got my office to myself today, my office mate is on vacation and I'm alone with my thoughts and had a rough morning so you wonderful people are the lucky recipients of my rant and hopefully can talk me back to being a rational sweet person. K?

 

Background, I've mentioned here several times my best friend is a man. A married man.  I'm fine with that.  We are very touchy feely best friends, hugwise but that's it.  His wife loves me to death and we are all one big happy family most of the time.  I went to high school with him and we met up again years later on facebook and since Chad died he has been my ROCK.  His girls call me Mammy.  Over the past year or so my washer and my refrigerator have tanked so I've ended up doing laundry at their house a  lot, and then keeping food in their fridge and then we started co-opping meals and combining groceries to feed both families which kind of worked well for us all and saved us money.  His wife T has many many illnesses.  She's had knee surgery not long ago.  She has PTSD from her parents dying, particularly her mom. She has anxiety, depression, the works. She is also an RN and I think she has whatever syndrome it is where you constantly are in the doctors office and constantly sick and needing to rest. She comes home from work and goes straight to bed.  I spend a LOT of time there because at 16 and 18 my kids are rarely home and I hate my house and they always have extra people over and it feels like a frat house a lot of the time.  Add that to the chemo meds I have to take I just stay at their house some nights because I need help and J is always there for me, doesn't like me driving when I've had to med up and I sleep at their house.  I worry sometimes I'm there too much but they pitch a fit any time I leave. We do joint vacations and stuff too.  There's more but I don't want to lose everyone's attention here lol.

 

The thing is, for the past couple of days she's been more depressed than usual. Holing up and crying.  Last night she texted first to say she didn't know WHEN she would be home and then  before she got home and told us that she didn't want anyone coming out to the car when she got home (her girls usually rush out and meet her in the carport with the days goings on and events) and she didn't want to talk to anyone and she was going straight to bed.  Which she literally did. Walked in and locked her door.  Top that off with the fact that she's essentially kicked her husband out of bed and made him sleep in their daughters' room because the girls' TV broke and they cant sleep without it so two of their girls sleep in the bed with their mother.  SO they were out a place to sleep and he was stuck with them thinking their mom was upset with them.  ALL of this is because her mom died and she lost her "family dynamic that was all she ever knew" and  here is where the bitch part comes in cause man I feel like a terrible person.

 

But you know what?  She has one of the very best men on planet earth as her husband (and mostly ignores him), a PAID FOR beautiful home with lots of land that no one can ever take from her, and three girls who really are very sweet and MUCH nicer than the average teenager, trust me I know from whence I speak.  And she's gonna take the PTSD route and turn her back on all of that?  I hear myself and I get upset with myself for feeling that way, but hell, I lost my husband.  And THEN my entire family got weird and that whole "dynamic" as she calls it has been gone for 2 years AND I lost my 3 bedroom real house and am stuck in something that once had wheels under it out in a field across the street from a cow pasture! And I do NOT act like that.  Maybe I did some in the beginning.  But her mom and dad? I mean yes I know it hurts, I Lost my daddy too and I do grieve him but not to the point it debilitates me.  And they are not recent losses either.  8 years ago. I say all the time that grief is grief and it hurts to lose someone you love and I try not to do the whole "my loss is bigger than your loss" game cause that's cruel.  But I just want to smack her.  HARD. 

 

Why? Why in the world am I so angry at her?  Is it because I can't afford the "luxury" of a total mental/emotional breakdown and I'm jealous that she can do this and everyone comes running to her beck and call or what? I don't like how this is making me feel. I really thought I was a more compassionate person, especially to this family.  SO I'm mad. And I'm upset that I'm mad at her so then I'm mad at myself and it's making for any unproductive day to say the least.  Anyone have any thoughts?

[Wheelerswife]

It takes a lot to understand mental illness.  It takes a lot to understand that each person's experience of grief is different.  I'll readily admit now that I didn't understand a lot of people's experiences with being widowed...especially those that didn't mirror my own...until I lost my second husband and I joined the club of those with more complex grief.  Empathy is one of my strengths, yet still, I had less ability to empathize with others in my earlier widowed years. 

 

I don't think that you can will this woman to understand that she has these wonderful things in her life...her husband, her children, her home, her career.  It seems to me that she is in the throes of her own grief and PTSD and she isn't able to just snap out of it.  If you try to think of your friend as having a physical illness, would you think the same way you do now?  Chronic illnesses are difficult for everyone, but if your friend had lupus or multiple sclerosis, where you could see physical manifestations, would you consider her complaints of fatigue more valid?

 

I think it is hard to want someone to feel better and to take responsibility for their health and well-being when they just can't seem to do just that.  I sit here at my computer and I know that I should eat better, exercise a lot more and get my weight down to a healthy level, but there are things holding me back and zapping my motivation.  Grief, anxiety, physical issues, lousy motivation...I've got all of that going on myself.  I wish I could be inspired more by my friends who have found their way into exercise as a way of life, but so far, all of my desire to feel healthier haven't gotten me off of my butt.  I'm still holding out hope, though!

 

I think that you are a good friend by being present to her children when she can't be there herself.  Perhaps in more time, she will have lessening symptoms from her grief and PTSD.  In the mean time, hang in there!

 

Maureen

[Trying]

Your friend sounds clinically depressed and in need of serious help.  That is an incredibly difficult and confusing thing to watch, especially with how ingrained you are in each other's lives.

 

As far as your anger, I can relate.  My best friend who became an alcoholic after becoming a widow 10 years ago, had incredible support from family and friends, a job, beautiful kids, a house, her health.  I became very angry with her after I became a widow.  I also felt like I didn't have the "luxury" to fall apart the way she did.  Now, logically, I know that alcoholism is a disease, like depression.  She didn't choose this, neither did your friend choose depression/PTSD.  We can encourage them to get help but can't force them.  The bottom line is, neither of us would ever want to be in the world of pain and despair our friends have experienced and we know that any attention they get for their unhealthy behavior is not helpful.

 

Vent away here, I won't judge you for being honest.  You are a good person and I know you will go back to supporting your friend and his family.

[Mizpah]

You're jealous.  It's ok.  It's natural.  It makes us feel ugly things.  You see all you've lost and that you're coping better and more appreciative than someone who has everything you wish you had.  It's good to get it out.  We get it. 

[Carey]

Yes I will definitely be there again tonight, doing what I do.  I'm probably just as much of a crutch for them as they are for me and for this time frame, it works for us.  Maybe im just finding out I'm tougher than I thought I was.  Chad was a raging alcoholic. Same thing there, I KNEW in my head that he didn't like it or enjoy it.  But many many many times I'd just go off the rails because he "wouldn't" (couldn't) stop drinking for the kids and I.  And I enabled.  And to an extent I guess I am enabling Tammy now too.  But I put up with 17 years of emotional abuse, throwing up in the bathtub, peeing in the kitchen sink, stumbling around falling all over the place, spending all the money , etc. to then end up facing widowhood and a flipped upside down life.  Its just, John is the reason I am doing as well as I am. He is the reason I guess I appear strong and don't have spells like this.  And if she would just let him, he would gladly be that for her.

 

I had told him this morning that I would stay at my house this weekend and I told her that too. She came back with ,no, don't because "it will be harder on me if you aren't here. They will make it worse".  THEY being her kids and husband.  And she said the same thing to him and he texted me saying he was in tears because of her feeling that way. I can't stand to think of tears in his eyes. 

 

The ONE time I tried something like this, was last Halloween weekend. I drove for hours and hours at all hours of the night and came home and locked myself in my room and no one noticed for 2 1/2 days. SO I guess because it didn't work, I pulled up my big girl panties and went on with life.  I've just usually been a compassionate person and being a widow I think is making me feel even worse about the thoughts I have about her because I SHOULD understand where she is at more than most people and should be more supportive.

 

Ya'll are right.  Everyone's makeup is different , they have a different mettle as it were and I need to remind myself that mental illness is an illness just like I screamed for years that alcoholism is a true illness when people would berate Chad, and berate me for staying.  Ya'll are such great people ... I love all the viewpoints and perspectives that are available here. 

[Carey]

You're jealous.  It's ok.  It's natural.  It makes us feel ugly things.  You see all you've lost and that you're coping better and more appreciative than someone who has everything you wish you had.  It's good to get it out.  We get it. 

 

ding ding ding. We have a winner.  There IS definitely a deep root of jealousy developing here. 

[Sugarbell]

Youre not a bitch. It's called transference. Your are angry at your DH for dying... But transfer your anger to someone else. Kinda a defense mechanism.

 

I was angry at my husband for dying from suicide for 4 years. But I took my anger out on the world (usually to myself) Angry at women whining about their husbands...angry at spoiled children...angry at everyone. I was an internal bitch.

 

It's ok..we get it.

[Bear Tomás]

Not to this degree, but I have a friend who lost both her parents in the last few years and is taking it very hard too. It is difficult to understand why a grown woman would be like that??? Both my parents are gone too. People get old and die.  ???

[keeptrying]

fairness, justice or jealousy?

Before I met my husband I knew a couple and would see her husband treat her like a Goddess and in return she would just treat him like a dog. He was what all women dreamed of in a guy, and she just took him for granted, and was terrible to him. The meaner she was, the more he tried to please her. I was jealous. I thought, why do all the bad people end up the good guys.  It made me feel really sad.

Then I met my husband. He was more than anything I could ever have dreamed of. He treated me like a Goddess. I would reflect on the couple that I knew. It wasn't about me being jealous anymore, it turned out to be FAIRNESS and JUSTICE. The fact is, IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT. Now, instead of sadness, I felt anger and disgust.

You lose your parents, who you love. They lived a full life. You as an adult have YOUR OWN life. You do not just "love" your husband, you are IN LOVE with him. He is your life partner, and you are an example for your children. She is ungrateful, selfish and the more she takes a one woman pity party, the more people that stand around holding the tissues for her, the more of a pity party she will have. Life stinks, seriously. I get that more than anyone. It isn't fair. But to punish your husband and your kids. That is terrible. I often wonder, if people hate their lives so much, and have SO many issues, why don't they just end it all already? Especially if you believe in God.. it is better in heaven than down here any how. Heck, I know I would. But, I go on, day to day.. because I have kids, and it ISN'T ALL ABOUT ME. (Heck yes I have pity parties and I cry, but I don't ruin others lives because of it)

I  have been around so many emotional vampires, me hurting for other people, me bending backwards.. to only find out, they don't even want to help themselves. I have been through many bad times, and have had no one, and I learned to SUCK IT UP AND MOVE ON..make the best of it. Dont punish and neglect the people who need me most. Dont be a burden continuously. I understand everyone needs help every now and then. Everyones circumstances are different. But it gets old. The only way to snap people out of that, is to make them deal with it. She is obviously not. She is making everyone around her deal with it.

  No, I don't feel bad for her. If she didn't want to be like that, she would make an effort to change it.  There are things I would like to change about myself, and I really really want to, but I haven't for a lot of reasons.. all excuses. If I REALLY wanted to bad enough, I would, but it is way easier to complain and make excuses instead of actually taking the steps to make things different.

We are all screwed up. In one way or another. We all need someone to hear us complain, give us support, love us. But taking advantage of it.. that is the difference. Neglecting and hurting others that need you, that is the difference.

The best thing for her is to just get a plane ticket, move to a third world country with no money and live there for a while. See how many people "pat her on the back" for her sob stories on how bad she has it. Maybe she will learn to appreciate and be more grateful.

(With this post, it is a Saturday night, I figured I would spice some things up! )