It's been 3 months ! And it feels as if its only getting harder!

[MegK]

Hi Everyone ,

 

I have been looking for a forum where I can be in contact with people in similar situations. A place where people understand what your going through and where someone won't tell me '' your still young '' or ''  God has a plan '' where I don't have to explain why after 3 months it is so hard! I lost my husband in July to Cancer. We were married 3.8 years. I still remember that day as it was yesterday! My husband kept me in the dark with how severely ill he was. So the day the doctor told me that my husband won't make it through the night (Lung  Infection - antibiotics not helping , Immune system too weak )  my whole world fell apart. People honestly expect me to tell them whats so hard.... I lost my dad the same month. I loved my hubby more than life itself. The day he died it felt as if apart of me died too. He was my best friend and now I feel hollow. I moved continents to be with him. My reason for being here has left.

 

The last few months I have been  like an observer. Waking up  , Surviving and going back to bed.  :'( I have been so exhausted , unhappy at a low. Filled with Anxiety and Weekly Panic Attacks. Until I finally decided that I need help , and with medication I am functioning through my day. I feel embarrassed and so ashamed. I am socially awkward my friends are planning weddings and kids and here I am trying  to cope with grief and frantically trying not to forget the memories.

 

I meet new people who constantly ask what brought me here .....  when I say I was married they assume I am divorced and waits for an explanation. I expected one would get a little privacy , but the past months I have learned we as human beings are way too curious for our own good! Someone even said to me recently ... I still behave married. What the hell ?  yes I behave married cause in my heart I am still married.

 

I would really love to hear from others. I would appreciate any words of wisdom. Life has become hard! and would love tips on how to survive it!

 

Thanks

Meg

[Guest TooSoon]

You have indeed found a safe place.  No one here is going to expect you to be or feel anything other than however you are feeling or being at the moment.  Over my nearly three years widowed, this has been the one place where it has always been ok to say whatever needs saying.  And here I've found not only empathy but also wisdom, friendship and often the laughter my life was so sorely lacking.  I know you will find comfort among others who understand here.  I'm sorry for your loss.  Hold on tight; you are going to make it!

[Wheelerswife]

Oh, Meg, I'm so sorry you have to be a part of this club.  I will say, though, that you are now among instant friends.  We understand.  Everything you have said is very normal for our experience of loss.  Here, you can be brutally honest with how you feel.  This SUCKS in plain English!  You shouldn't have had to lose the love of your life at such a young age.

 

I also developed anxiety and panic attacks after my (second) husband died.  I never understood anxiety before that time.  I'm glad you are getting some help.  I found that medication and a kind and thoughtful counselor helped me a lot.

 

For now, keep breathing, drink water, sleep when you can, eat when you can, read here, cry, vent, laugh when the opportunity presents itself.  All of us here have survived in spite of the intense pain and loss.  Keep posting.  We will listen.

 

Maureen

 

 

[Mizpah]

Thinking of you, Meg.  Yes, life has gotten hard - that's an understatement.  I used to say that we have to "bear the unbearable."  Everything you said sounds totally normal to me, unfortunately.  I wish I could say you're going to feel great soon, but you'd know I'm lying.  I'm 4+ years out, and I barely remember the first 5-6 months, and that is a mercy!  I died when he died, as you said, and we all of us have to rebuild a life from the ground up, but the first part of that rebuilding is all about just suffering, honestly.  Feeling all the hopelessness and sadness (for us and for them) and loneliness, etc., all of it.  It feels like you're stuck and sometimes you might even think you're crazy, but it's exactly what you need to be doing: grieving and mourning.  That is your life right now.  And surviving as best you can.  You knew you needed help, you knew you needed the solidarity of others who have and/or are surviving it - these are healthy impulses.  Disregard everything people say that doesn't sit well with you - just reject it.  Really, at this point, other people do not matter.  Right now it's ok to be selfish.  It's necessary even, to a certain extent.  There are going to be lots and lots of offensive comments, observations, questions, statements.  But also, when you find little pieces of wisdom or insight or hope or comfort in anything, take it! 

 

As for desperately trying not to forget, I don't know if it's something you'd want to do, but I wrote down bookfuls of memories.  Nothing formal, no pressure, just random little snippets - what he loved, little private jokes, memories that only he and I shared, all the things about him that I could remember.  I believe it really helped me at the time - I pulled out my tiny notebook whenever a thought crossed my mind, for the first couple years.  And now I have these books, full of him. 

 

As for tips, it's totally different for each person.  For me, being physically active was key.  I ran, I worked out.  I ate healthy and got lots of sleep (I know sleeping is hard for many widows, but never was for me).  I tried to get as much daylight as I could, outside time.  I spent lots of time walking, taking long long walks alone.  I wrote a lot.  I read a ton (I couldn't handle anything but books that were as sad as I was, so I only read about grief, widows, and the Holocaust - everything else seemed too happy and frivolous and upset me).  I put no pressure on myself to rush through sadness or to reengage in life until I felt like it.  Lots and lots of therapy.  I lost lots of friends, but became closer with ones who didn't make me feel worse.  I did lots of things in DH's honor, from buying a memorial bench to planting a garden in the shape of a heart to reading books about the things he cared about to traveling to the place where he was born.  I went to synagogue weekly, even though I don't believe in Gd, because it was comforting and to say the mourner's prayer for him.  I wrote and read a ton on this forum (well, its precursor, but the same thing), and became great friends with great people on my same timeline. 

 

I didn't want time to pass because I didn't want to be further from him.  I didn't want to feel better, not even a tiny bit, yet I couldn't handle how much despair I felt.  I didn't want to be living life if he couldn't (and I don't mean I was suicidal, I just mean I didn't want to do anything but miss him and wish that what had occurred hadn't occurred).  I didn't think I could survive the pain, it was physical even, I could feel it in my chest, in my stomach, in my heart.  I knew his face as well as I knew my own.  I'd look at the bed and imagine him lying in it, sleeping peacefully the night before he died, and think about how impossible it was to conceive of his non-existence.  I didn't think I would ever be ok again.  I didn't want anyone to touch me, because I wanted him to be the last one who touched me.  I didn't think I'd ever feel feelings again, and certainly never love anyone.  I got upset when people said they missed me, because they had no idea what it was to truly miss someone. 

 

We get it.  We all get it.  Thinking of you.  Wishing you moments of comfort and solace. 

[Trying]

Meg, as the others have said, I'm so glad you found us but so sorry you needed to. You can share anything here and read as much as you want so that you know you're not alone. It does usually get harder before it gets easier. For now, it's one day, one hour at a time. Try your best to take care of yourself, getting medication to help with the panic is a big step in the right direction.

[MegK]

I would just like to thank you all for your lovely messages! It literally had me in tears. It was comforting to hear that there are people out there that knows exactly what I am going through now. It made me feel that I fit in somewhere as I don't have that feeling with family and friends. I am so glad to have found widda !!  ♡

 

 

[WifeLess]

MegK,

 

Welcome to Young Widow Forum and sorry for your loss.

 

People honestly expect me to tell them whats so hard ... I loved my hubby more than life itself. The day he died it felt as if apart of me died too. He was my best friend and now I feel hollow ... My reason for being here has left.

 

It was for reasons like this that I once wrote the following:

 

http://widda.org/index.php/topic,8.0.html

 

--- WifeLess

 

 

 

[Jen]

So many hugs. I'm so, so sorry.

[Guaruj]

Hi Meg -

 

I am so sorry that you lost your husband, especially so soon after losing your father. Any reasonable person should understand that this is a difficult time in your life. Nobody should expect you to be "all better" after a few days or weeks.

 

I feel embarrassed and so ashamed. I am socially awkward my friends are planning weddings and kids and here I am trying  to cope with grief and frantically trying not to forget the memories.

 

There's no reason to feel ashamed. You're enduring something that most people can't imagine.

 

I knew that I was "socially awkward" for months after my wife died. I didn't socialize much during that time, and I also limited the amount of time I spent in public. I suggest that you be very selective about who you spend time with right now. I can understand why it's hard for you to feel happy for your friends who are planning weddings.

 

I hope you continue post here.

 

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