I just want my life back

[DavidsKtBeth]

I want everything to go back to normal. I am tired of crying myself to sleep and the anxiety is over whelming. I just want him back so bad.  I just want to talk to him. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!! I want him back.

[WifeLess]

DavidsKTBeth,

 

I want everything to go back to normal.

 

Nearly all of us here have wanted this as well. But as we unfortunately discover during our first year, there is no going back, only forward. And among the many challenges we face in doing so is the realization and acceptance that our new life without our spouse is now our "new normal".

 

Sorry it must be so painful.

 

--- WifeLess

[Guest TooSoon]

This might not be helpful but I remember being right where you are now; I will always remember it vividly.  I was traumatized and terrified and all I could see was blackness and the ruins I was left with.  It is completely shitty and it is completely normal to feel exactly as you do.  But I want to tell you that from a few years down the pipeline, i can say with absolute honesty that while there sure are times I'd like to pick up the phone and give Scott a ring, tell him how we're doing or some funny thing that happened and reminded me of him, I do not want my old life back anymore.  I can smile when I think about it; we were together for a nine year honeymoon and it was great but it is over.  I've grown up a lot and learned a lot and know now that I can stand on my own and survive just about anything.  I know now not just how to feel happiness but also to savor and appreciate the good things in my life.  It took me time and it took making some seriously bad choices and paying pretty dearly for them in those first two years but the good news is that while life is not what I thought it was going to be, life has also surprised me in unanticipated ways.  Hold on tight!  Be forgiving of yourself.  Tomorrow is another day and it does get better, I promise. 

[Trying]

Those feelings can be so overwhelming.  I talked to my husband a lot in those early months and still do.  Most people would think I'm crazy if they listened in on my one sided conversations but they help me.  Big hugs to you, it does get easier but it's almost impossible to believe that from where you are now.

[Jess]

TooSoon has some very wise words. I have been trying to think of something else to say but she said it better than I could. So much has happened in the last 15 months in my life I also couldn't go back. I miss him with an empty ache and when something happens my first instinct still is to tell him, but I have worked hard to build what I have now. I guess the only thing to offer is hope that it will get better.

[Mizpah]

Breathe as well as you can.  Get some sunshine whenever possible.  And let yourself suffer - it's the only way through.  It hurts so much.  It won't always hurt so much.  But it does right now, and we know. 

[SoVerySad]

I have wished for the same thing more times than I could count. I know how much it hurts. I'm so very sorry that you have to endure it as well.

 

Sending you tight, tight hugs...

[Jen]

So many hugs from here, too...

[donswife]

I echo every word you wrote !

wishing both of us easier days

[JP]

I too am EXAXTLY where you are. I'm in the midst of crying myself to sleep as we speak. I am unable to sleep without something to knock me out. All I want to do is talk to him, I can still hear his voice. Week 3 for me and it's the same thing. Every. Single. Day.

 

 

Jess

[Raymond]

Good Morning Beth, I hope all is as well as it can be . . .

 

Your heart is heavy. But in life we must experience pain to appreciate the joy. You lived, laughed and cried for a time and everything  you touch, see, hear, taste and smell sparks a memory. This is as it must be. To give love is a terrible thing for it allows its recipient to leave your heart shattered in pieces, puddled on the floor. But what is life without love?

 

It helps me, when one of those "memories" gets delivered unexpectedly, that has the pain gripping you to squeeze back even tighter.  Remind yourself that the greatness of your pain is a reflection of the greatness of your love.  I'm at the point (three months last week) that when the pain comes it is a reaffirmation of my love.  My pain reminds me now of my love and though I can't say I welcome it, when it passes it leaves me with a bit of a smile.  (I am not sure if this is healthy, honestly).  But it works for me now, later?  Who knows. 

 

Ask yourself, What would it say about my love if I didn't feel this pain?

 

Finally, I'll echo what I've read -- Breathe and communicate . .  .  you are doing both, consequently whether you know it now or not, feel it or not, understand it or not, you are getting stronger every day in the carrying of your grief.