Emerging from the Shadows

[Mr C]

Hello friends,

 

I have been hiding in the shadow for most of this year. I have disengaged from most people, which even included responding in these forums. As the numbness wore off, this second year has been marked by the loneliness and devastation of life without my wife. I felt even more out of place with people and didn?t have much to say. I have also been suffering from partial empty-nest syndrome as my daughter moved across the country to go to school in New York. We spent a lot of late nights binging on Netflix together last year. Just like that, a house of four has dropped to just me and my son.

 

It had felt like I had more energy when I entered year two. I started producing the podcast on women?s heart health that I had originally planned to do with my wife. The determination to get this project to launch helped get me through the end of year one. However, my energy levels and bandwidth were a lot lower than realized. I just could not focus my brain to get done all that I desired. It left me questioning my passion for this project and set me in a bit of a tailspin of doubt and depression. In hindsight, I am pleased that this project did get off the ground with about 20 episodes recorded to date and a slowly growing social media following. Even in year two, I still need to be gentle with myself and be o.k. with what does or does not get accomplished.

 

At the end of August I took the train to Vancouver for a few days. This was a good getaway and was the beginning of a slow awakening. In mid-September, I picked up a full-time accounting contract. Last year, I tried to take on some small accounting clients. But the clients were a mess and I was too screwed up to properly help them out. The new contract is with a tech company that is a leader in its industry. It feels good to be in a solid office environment again and my confidence is growing, successfully doing work that is familiar to me.

 

My daughter was on semester break last week. So I took the kids to Universal Studios in Florida to experience the Harry Potter theme parks. This was something that she and her brother--and their father --have been wanting to do ever since the park was announced several years ago. We are big fans of the stories, having read each book to the kids multiple times. We used to go to the bookstore for the midnight releases when the new books came out. The theme park was just about everything we dreamt of, with Diagon Alley, the Hogwart?s Express train, butterbeer, Hogwarts Castle, etc. My favorite part of the trip was watching the kids look through all of the wands in Ollivanders wand shop for just the right wand for them. It was a magical moment. I think I took up about 30 pages writing it all down in a journal for my wife.

 

So here I am maybe becoming human again. Or at least, trying to learn to live through this devastation.

 

All the best,

Mr. C

 

[Trying]

It's nice to hear from you Mr C.  I'm sorry to hear that it's been such a tough year but it sounds like you are making some positive steps.  I am sure that you daughter leaving for school was a big factor, I worry about when son #2 leaves next fall and it's only me and my youngest left in the house.  My older boys bring a certain energy into the house that is similar to DHs energy while my youngest is more like me.  We have been to Universal twice since we lost DH, we had to go back because my oldest wasn't with us the first time and he was the one who I read every book with the day it came out! It was a great family trip.

 

I hope the new job gives you a feeling a purpose and confidence and maybe more interaction with people so you feel less isolated.

 

All the best to you

[SoVerySad]

I'm so glad to see your post, Mr. C. I've been wondering about you and have missed your posts. I'm sorry you've been struggling. I can totally relate. The new job sounds great. I hope it will continue to help you feel better. The trip sounds terrific. I'm so glad you and the kids were able to enjoy the experience. We've never been there, but it sounds like a lot of fun.

 

Sending you tight hugs...

[First Widow]

Mr. C - I'm new to the forum, having just lost my husband in May, but I wanted congratulate you and thank you for posting about your progress.  It gives me hope to read about the accomplishments of everyone here further ahead of me on this journey.  Wishing you continued healing and much success with your new contract.

[Jess]

Mr. C, I am glad to see you posting. The podcast you are doing is an inspiring endeavor and I am glad you got to take that trip. DH and I went before he passed and it was so awesome. I hope you keep posting and letting us know how you are doing.

[Jen]

Oh, hugs, hugs!! I'm so glad to see you-- and sorry to hear you've been struggling. You know you never have to struggle alone, right? That's why we're here!

 

That said, I know what you mean about withdrawing... I've done that too, in a lot of ways. I'm starting to venture out... a couple of plays, trips planned, even a few clumsy attempts at socializing. But mostly I stay in my hamster ball, where it's safe (and lonely, sigh).

 

Tell you what: I'll try to post more if you will. That work?

[Mr C]

Thank you all for the replies. It is great to hear from you. And yes, I will keep posting and look forward to catching up with your journies as well.

[Frostedglass]

I feel like I'm standing at the beginning of something.  I'm at a trail head, or bottom of a winding staircase, or edge of an unknown town.  I know I'm trying to decide what my life will look like now, and that I have lots of options.  My dilemma - am I being scared of life if I make no changes?  Am I being too adventurous if I make big changes (new job, new town)?  I want to emerge from the shadows but I also want to be deliberate with my steps.