First Widow

Life is short and I am struck by the list in your first post, especially "Am I missing out on things I want?" In my own new relationship, there's a good amount of give and take when I answer those questions. We all deserve that balance. Wishing you the best in the "wild world of dating!" LOL

This has been one of my biggest struggles with my new relationship, which is also my first. Most days I feel like I'm doing so great with this whole widow thing and building a new life for myself, and then BAM! I think it's gotten less intense now that we've been together 1.5 years but, like you, I hate the reminder. (((hugs)))

The recent high profile suicides have made me think even more about mental health and less about my husband's own death. Throughout our grieving process, my children and I have been open about his struggle with bipolar depression and have been mental health advocates, but in recent days I've found myself pondering what can really be done. While knowing the signs and having suicide hotlines may help some and as such are important, they failed my husband who hid all signs from me and I'm fairly certain never would have reached out to hotline. I wish I had the answers, I don't. It's my hope that someday we will have a better understanding and real answers. I ponder whether we should have regular mental health check-ups like we have annual physicals and twice yearly trips to the dentist. Is there something that can be incorporated into elementary health education alongside healthy eating? But I don't have answers so for now all I can do is implore people to be kind and recognize that anyone and everyone is going through things we don't know and don't understand. That said, every suicide whether high profile or neighbor or coworker's loved one still brings me to my knees. I remember the pain and my heart breaks for the loved ones left behind and for everyone like you who will also be reminded of that pain once again. (((Hugs)))

LOL Timeout! Good for your RyanAmysMom!

It was my oldest, who was away at school most of the time, who had the hardest time when I started working outside the house. (I ran my LH's business from home, but when he passed away there was no longer a business to run.) Two years out she has thanked me for being a strong role model for her in the way I'm rebuilding my life so hang in there. They may not appreciate what you are doing at the moment but they will as they gain perspective.

This is spot on. I had one in college and one high school senior when I went back to work just shy of the one year mark after being a SAHM essentially all their lives. They were supportive but there were moments when they acted like small children when I wasn't available for this or that, or I expected them to help out around the house. Things have sorted themselves out for us and they will for you too! Wishing you good luck!!

(((hugs))) Tybec - it's not the same but you can always put your head on our shoulders!! Happy 2 year Arneal Trying - good for you taking advantage of a tune-up. It sounds like it was really helpful. I've changed health insurance with my new job and my therapist is the only provider that doesn't take my new insurance. I can't get excited about starting fresh with a new thearpist so I've put off the tune-up idea for now. I do feel less like I need it now that I've made it through my daughter's graduation and the 3 year mark so I'll give myself some time. I'm in PA for the weekend with my kids for my goddaughter's wedding. I didn't have the option of a plus 1, so this will make 2 weeks since I've seen NG and I'm hoping traffic is light so I can see him tomorrow night.

I find myself in a similar place with my NG and maybe it is widow angst. It's been just under 2 years since I last saw my therapist and the thought of going in for a tune-up has crossed my mind lately. It's an emotional time for me with my daughter's college graduation this weekend followed by the 3rd anniversary of my LH's death 2 days later so I may return to a more even keel soon but if not I may need to explore this widow angst theory.

Thanks for sharing this LF. While I've leaned on my faith heavily in my grief process, I have definitely sat " through another sermon...(responding) as usual: an acidic mix of anger, grief, and longing boiled to the surface." Wishing everyone comfort and peace today and always.

(((hugs))) I'm so sorry LF!

(((Hugs))) Tybec! Do you think he made plans because you didn't ask him? NG and I have spent plenty of time with each other's children. He finally met my parents when they came to visit for Easter (4 hours away) and I got to spend quality time with his family when he had surgery earlier this year. But DD is graduating from college in a few weeks and I didn't ask him to go. I rationalized (to him) that he already took so much time off for his surgery which is true, but if I'm completely honest with myself (which I seem to be here with you guys LOL) I might not be ready for him to be there when it should be my late husband. Graduation is 2 days before the 3rd anniversary of his passing, so I know there's a lot of emotions here. I'm not overly concerned about it, but share because for me it's all a work in progress and I don't feel the rush to completely blend our lives.

LOL on the shower curtain Klim!! My son will be home from college for the summer on Tuesday and it will definitely change things for me and my NG! His apartment is still quite sparse so we've spent more time here while my son was away. I envy your "our house" feel! I suspect the his apartment/my house/their house thing is going to focus attention on where exactly our relationship is headed, and my head is swirling because I'm not sure I know exactly what I want. We put that discussion on hold while he was dealing with some health issues, but that is drawing to a close. Part of me would love to come home to NG everyday, but part of me enjoys the status quo. So yes, I'm sensing a shift in dynamics as well!

I may steal this too! I still have the last voicemail my husband left on my cell phone. I thought I would lose it when I had to get a new phone, but it followed me. Just a quick message checking in two days before he died. It used to make me cry, but now it's a sweet reminder at almost 3 years out.

DC is one of my favorite places. My sister lives nearby so my kids grew up visiting almost every summer and now my daughter goes to college there. I almost always have a car so I can't help with getting around (although I do use Uber when I fly down for the weekend.) Our favorites when the kids were younger were the Air & Space Museum in Chantilly (not on the Mall,) the Spy Museum and the National Zoo to see pandas.

I'm so happy for you Maureen! Congratulations and best wishes for your new adventure!!

My children were 16 & 19 when my husband died and it was really important to me to address it head on to break through any stigma they might feel so we were very open about that fact that he struggled from bipolar depression for 25 years and succumbed to the disease. My reply to any prying is always a variation on that. I think how you answer any prying is a very personal decision and I recognize my way is not for everyone. I've often thought about how I would answer if it was a young child posing the question, which has never come up. I suppose I would simply say he was sick for a long time and quickly change the subject.

Good for you Maureen! I adore my parents and spending time with them, but I am always ready to go home after a long weekend. Enjoy your solitude!

This made me actually laugh out loud. Online dating can be very, very entertaining if you don't take it too seriously.

I think 3 was my limit too. Actually it was a good number because I quickly realized that when I got a notification, I was disappointed if it was from #2 or #3 and I focused my attention on #1. It took us about 3 weeks to meet in person, but it was February and the weather was wreaking havoc with attempts to get together. Good luck!

I was only 11 months younger than my husband and it was hard. Even this year being 2 years older was bittersweet. (((hugs)))

(((Hugs))) Wishing you strength for next weekend. Your post reminds me of the the first anniversary of my husbands death by suicide. We've always been calendar challenged with so much going on, so the one day that would work for my son's Eagle Scout court of honor which included dedicating the memorial handicapped fishing deck that was his project, was the anniversary date. In a way, I think having it all collide helped get through that first one, but I admire your strength in facing it all head on year after year.

I have definitely jumped to the worst conclusion when I can't get a hold of someone since my husband passed. Thankfully I haven't been right and I get to laugh at myself later.

Hugs to you both CJ & Kae! It's been over two years now since my husband's suicide. There are still moments that I can't believe that sentence can be true so I understand what you mean. Time does soften the edges of the pain. Like both of you, I had to be there for my children first. In many ways this focus saved me, but I did work with a therapist too because I needed someone to say all the things I couldn't say to anyone else in my life. Those sessions and reaching out to other widows here helped me so much. It was difficult for me to post back then but just reading the stories of others and knowing I wasn't alone was healing. We're always here!

My kids are 19 and 21 and when I started dating earlier this year, I didn't say anything right away because I was really just testing the waters to see if I was ready. I didn't want to stir them up if it was something I was going to quickly put back on the shelf, but I found I was ready and I needed to tell them before someone else saw us out and asked them about it. My 19 y/o son took it matter of factly, but he was the one who told me he would support me dating again the night my LH died. My 21 y/o daughter was studying abroad at the time she took it less gracefully #understatement but has come around is really supportive now. Last night she started asking questions about NG's daughters referring to them as her stepsisters. LOL

I am so very sorry for your loss Meemzi. I lost my husband of 20 years to bipolar depression 2 years ago. The most helpful thing anyone said to me came from one of the local police officers who responded to our 911 call who had also been through a personal experience with suicide. He told me not to focus on the guilt, but on how my love had helped to keep him in this life as long as he was. My husband fought the disease for over 30 years. I guess ''suicide is selfish" was coined to make those who are contemplating it to think about the destruction a suicide leaves behind, but I know how hard my husband fought his disease. There are still days that I'm angry with him, especially when I see the kids having a bad day, but I know it was mental illness that claimed his life. Wishing you peace.