Stuck...

[Freelancing]

As long as you're grieving, you're not stuck. Its a time of slowing down to do the most important thing - grieving your loss.

I kept the same kids, same dog, all his stuff, etc. Never had a reason to move out of our home. Over time the painful memories subsided, no longer triggers. All those things faded into the background so I could move on with healing. If it helps to tuck them away while you try to get through this period by all means do so.

Try not to be so hard on yourself with expectations of how you should be doing this, that and the other. We are geared to think if we're not physically productive, we're useless. Guess what, if you're grieving you are productive.

As for your co-workers and family, people somehow think of widowhood as a mental disease they'll contract. Some I've noticed fear it so much they stay away from the widowed to avoid thinking about it &/or to prevent bad mojo. And they think we're crazy! ;D Oh, and there are those who are simply uncompassionate assholes who can't be bothered.

Believe me, I was such a pathetic mess I didn't even like myself and it was due to the fact that I had unrealistic expectations of my grieving self. I still apologize to myself whenever I recall how hard I was on me. Be gentle with yourself to the best of your ability even if you don't want to. Tell yourself you did nothing to cause this nor could you have prevented it - I am not at fault in any way, shape or form. Make it a mantra to rid yourself of any guilt or responsibility you might think you have. Tell yourself I am worthy, I am valuable, I am deserving of all that is good. I started off with sour non believing attitude, as time went on I truly started believing it.

 

Hope this helps even if its just alittle bit.

 

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I understand why people say holidays are hard when you are alone.

 

Nothing much has changed in my life. Every time I try to get motivated to make changes I end up falling flat in a few days. The home we made together is a mess. I find its getting harder and harder just to clean up. I keep telling myself that I'm going to junk everything, and start over clean. Keep just a few things and accept that I live alone now. I have boxes and bags full of things I no longer need, but can't bring myself to be rid of them. I continually reach out to those around me for assistance, but everyone's just too busy to give me a hand. They are way too busy with the Holiday season and their happy families to give someone like me time.

 

Sadly it's getting easier to not get upset about things like this. I have a better understanding of the term "Fair weather Friends." I'm sick of being alone, but I don't want anything to do with these people who have left me to deal with this on my own. I've started to apply for jobs out of state. I just can't be around this place anymore. It doesn't feel like a home anymore.

There are no decorations. Nothing hangs on my door or the walls anymore. Phones don't ring. It's just four rooms and a roof.

 

If I don't distract myself, I start to become overwhelmed with how sad this place makes me. It weighs heavy on me, and I just want to be somewhere, anywhere but here.

[Jen]

If I don't distract myself, I start to become overwhelmed with how sad this place makes me. It weighs heavy on me, and I just want to be somewhere, anywhere but here.

 

Exactly. I don't even have the excuse of living in the same house where my Jim died; we moved across town almost a year ago, and I never even drive by the old place. But this town weighs on me... the air seems heavy. I wish I could go somewhere else, somewhere far away, but it wouldn't matter-- anywhere I go, there I am. I want to get away from myself, and that just isn't possible.

 

I can't even find distraction lately. Nothing works. The best I can do is crocheting while watching brainless fluff on TV-- The Big Bang Theory or something on the Travel Channel. I walk and I cry. That's about all I've got.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I guess I should update, it's getting close to a year and I'll need to switch to the 1 year forum soon.

 

I've gotten better at letting the anger go. I still feel abandoned. I still feel disappointed about the people in my life.

I don't really talk with anyone anymore. Aside from passing banter and work related topics, the only interaction I get

with anyone seems to be online anymore.

 

I've tried to reach out, but I haven't had anyone stick around for any real conversation. People are starting to recommend

online dating, I just don't know how to "date" anymore. It's harder in your 30's than it is in your 20's. Almost everyone's in

a different place in life than I am. I just don't know what to do. Or even if I'm ready.

 

It's been difficult, but I've been packing up all of my things. I've donated so much of my home. I'm trying to get down

to just the necessary things I need for day to day living. I still dread going into my basement, it's full of my fiancee's

and brother's things. It's going to take some time yet before I can handle it.

 

I've been trying to get a new job lined up, far away. I really can't see myself moving on in this house. I still have so much

to do to get out of here. It's just so hard to keep working on it. I fall apart every time I try to pack a box or fill a bag. If

I had good friends, I wouldn't be doing this alone.

 

Overall, I feel either numb or depressed. I keep trying to eek out of feeling either. I wan't to feel better. I want to go out.

I just don't have the support I need here to do either. I just need to get out of here.

[Jen]

(((((((HUGS))))))))

 

I wish I had more to offer. This wid thing is exhausting, demoralizing, and just freaking HARD. I'm almost 2 years in and I'm only *just* beginning to get the glimmer of an idea that there might possibly, someday, be some hope of better. The incredible loneliness-- even when I'm surrounded by other people-- is unbelievable.

 

I'll keep holding on if you will. ((((HUGS)))))