Stuck...

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Hello everyone,

 

I never know how to start these things, so I guess I'll start by explaining how I ended up here.

My Lady of 7 years passed away in a car accident in March. No one was at fault, unless you

can blame a late snow. I was working, and by the time I received the news, she was already

gone. She was on her way to College when the incident occurred. This fall she was to start

her Masters Program, she was so proud.

 

I took a few weeks off of work. I wanted to take a month off, but my family was afraid that it

would make it too hard to get back on my feet. So after a few weeks I was back at it, trying

to wear a happy face. Initially, support was in abundance. But as the months dragged on,

people started to shy away. I hate that no one wants to look me in the eye when I try to

talk about it. I have felt abandoned by people I have spent years with, and I don't want

to forgive them for the way I've been treated.

 

I don't think I have been actually dealing with it for the last few months. I've tried to take advice

from friends and family, but most of them have walked away from this mess I'm becoming.

When I try to tell them that I'm still suffering, I'm told that I need to move on and "get over it".

I don't know how that's supposed to happen when no one wants to help me through it.

 

I used to invest a lot into my co-workers. I respected them, and the knowledge they carried.

I did my best to be useful, and learn from their experience. But after the accident, I was

treated like a glass figurine. And months later, none of the time or respect has been reciprocated.

They were my biggest support group before the worst, and now they don't want to deal with me?

I just don't understand.

 

My family and I aren't very emotional people. My father sends me a text message once a month

to check up on me. Believe me, it's fine. I messed up quite a bit when I was younger, and

our relationship has always been strained because of it. My mother and I aren't talking currently.

She can be rather brash, and doesn't always realize that she's tearing me down 90% of the time.

I also lost a brother to suicide last November. I still have one younger brother, but he's not sure

how to talk to me. I've made great effort to reach out to him. He's just not in a place where he's

concerned yet. He's still young.

 

I've felt pretty useless as of late, and turned to the internet for support. I've received a lot of support

from a few communities on reddit, and this site came up in one of the replies I received. I'm

interested in talking with others who understand. I'm just so sick of feeling stuck or "leftover".

[Justin]

Stuck,

 

As much as I am so sorry that you are here, but I am glad that you have found us. I have received more support from friends and co-workers than you, but really my biggest and best group of cheerleaders are right here. As much as others in your life may want to empathize or sympathize, the truth of the matter is that no one can know what this is like unless they have been through it themselves.

 

I received support from my "church family' much in the earlier days, and my bosses and co-workers have been (and  continue to be) very understanding. I am still close to my late wife's family, and am on good terms with my own but do not see them that often. As you wrote, many times people do not know what to say, so they do not say anything and we are treated with kid gloves. There is a theory floating around in our circles that a lot of people in our daily lives cannot stand to be around us, because we are a constant reminded that death does not discriminate and "it could happen to them".

 

Each human has a different capacity for the load that they can bear, and it may be that your mother just has nothing left to give after your brother's suicide. My daughter was just shy of being 16 when my wife died, and sometimes I found I had trouble comforting her in my own grief (and it left me guilty).

 

Fell free to post here as much as you want, and as often as you want. The folks here have quite literally saved me.

 

 

 

 

[widowat33]

Stuckwonderingwhy,

I too lost my husband in an accident. It was a single vehicle accident, and it's suspected he fell asleep.

I was fortunate that my boss stopped by the house as soon as he heard and offered for me to take the summer off, or come back to work when I felt ready. I decided not to return and went back to college instead, which he supported me in.

I do understand about the support in the beginning, there was so much. Now at 16 months out it has tapered off to mainly just being my family and my dh's family who help out. And I'm very grateful for them because I know that not everyone is as lucky as I am to have family that is supportive. I think for others they have moved on and don't understand the pain we are still feeling, and how much we go through on a daily basis. I know I never understood until it happened to me.

Another thing I've noticed is people do not want to see pain or sadness. I've realized this personally as when my sons are having a rough day, I try so hard to cheer them up when instead I should be just there for them and let them feel what they are feeling, I'm actively working on changing my reaction to their sadness.

I'm glad you found this forum, there is a lot of support here.

Take care

 

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thank you both for your kindness.

 

Reading through the posts here has just been so damn relieving. I'm just so tired of the way I've been treated.

It's good to know that many others have experienced the same kind of treatment have been able to carry on

in communities like this one.

 

I'm very happy to have found this place.

[Mizpah]

My heart goes out to you.  It's so hard grieving, let alone grieving while dealing with the loss of your other lives - healthy friendship and colleague lives.  My advice is therapy.  I lost my husband in a sudden event/car accident as well (he was a pedestrian) and I went to therapy twice a week for the first eight months (yay health insurance).  For me, having a place where I could be a huge mess, or an angry mean person, or think through it, etc., etc., it was absolutely key.  I lost a lot of friends.  I also, after a LOT of time passed, forgave many.  Most (and not all!) aren't horribly selfish, they are like deer in headlights - don't know what to say (I find that I also don't, when people IRL lose people, so I've become less harshly judging of those who don't), or want to be there but don't know how, or see in you their worst nightmare come true.  If you're close enough with any of your colleagues to be blunt and extremely candid, maybe tell them what you need?  I think it's easier, socially, for women to be able to, to find a social space to, speak freely about "real" stuff.  I think in that aspect it can be harder for men, because (as my widower boyfriend says), men are "supposed to" talk about WHAT they're doing, not HOW they're doing.  Anyway, many of us here understand what you're going through - take advantage of us.  Thinking of you and hoping for betterment in some way. 

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks @Mizpah

 

I've tried to reach out to a few therapists in my area, and none of them have any time or openings.

It was a kick in the balls to hear. I've been looking for group therapy in it's place. I decided to look

online while I was searching for a group, which lead me to reddit and here.

 

I believe that you're right about men dealing with things like this. Still it doesn't make it any easier

to deal with. I've moved around all of my life thanks to the military. I'm used to people dumping me

after a week of me moving. It's always hurt, but I've always moved on. If people don't want to care

about me, then screw em'. What makes it worse for me this time is that I'm STILL RIGHT HERE.

 

I've endured a lot of things in my life. I've seen some of the worst things a person can do done

by some of the most innocent people. All in the name of not getting involved. By all accounts,

I should really just hate damn near everyone. But I wasn't given that kind of heart. Even after all

of this mess, I still care about people who couldn't find the time to just ask me how I'm doing.

 

I wish that I could just shut those parts of me off sometimes.

[Max2507]

So sorry for your losses. I was lucky to find the original board this one sprouted from just a few days after my husband died after an accident. There was so much information that helped me not be surprised by things such as no one mentioning him again, never hearing from people who were going to be there for you. Never seen people run so fast if my eyes started to water the smallest amount. I also found support in the oddest of places. People stepping up or even just strangers with some understanding. You have had two major losses in such a short time. People don't realize that a couple months or even a year are almost no time at all. I am at 2 1/2 years and things are so much better yet it is still hard in some ways. I don't know if I would have survived without the online support. Another thing that helped me tremendously was going to a camp widow. campwidow.org It is not camping but like a convention for widows with great speakers and lots of people that can understand each other. There are get togethers with widows/ers in the widobago section on this board. That helped tremendously also.

[Prov31cadet]

I too am sorry for your losses. I'm glad you can find the online support you need. We all grieve differently and I know that our situations are different. Please know that I am praying for peace for you, and also for your loneliness. I know that is one of my great struggles. You will make it through it!

[Jen]

Hugs to you... I am so very sorry. I'm lacking in words these days, but not in empathy... Wishing you peace.

[canadiangirl]

SWW, I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think we ever "get over it".  I think we just learn to live with it.  And unfortunately, no one can really help us with that, although therapy can be a tool.  We have to find our inner strength and resources, however trite that sounds.  I am still looking for mine!  Hope you are having an okay week.  I am sorry you felt pressured by your family to go back to work before you were ready, especially if work was giving you the option of being off.  Going to work helps some - it does not help others (I am in the latter camp). I think a key lesson about the whole process is we have to trust our instincts about what is good for us going forward.  Only you can decide. Take care.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks everyone for the kind words.

 

Work has been difficult for me lately. I've been struggling with things that were never an issue before...

I just seem to get caught up in the wrong situations, and end up making a decision based on how I feel, instead of what needs to be done. I'm still so damn angry. I do my best not to take it out on my co-workers, I walk away when I start to get angry. But its made me look weak to them. I avoid confrontations because I don't want to vent my frustrations on them. I don't think I can separate my anger from loss, and my anger from work. So even though I'm thinking of their best interest, I'm still looked down upon for it. In some cases even laughed at.

 

I used to be involved in everything. Now no one wants me around. I just don't get why that bothers me so damn much. None of them went out of their way to help me at all. Why do I give a damn?

[Max2507]

I have sat in my car on more than one occasion and just screamed or yelled expletives it helped release some of that. Others have suggested putting out a tarp and then either making a trip to goodwill for extra dishes or use any you don't need and just smash them. For some reason breaking stuff and screaming feels good sometimes. Keep reading and posting, just getting your feelings in text helps.

[Virgo]

The rejection from family and friends makes grieving even more difficult.  I was fortunate to reconnect with old friends and also make new friends during my husband's treatments. Most of our  'couples' friends wrote me off after his funeral.  Obviously they were never truly friends. Friends are there for each other through the good and bad times.  This community has really helped me. Sometimes you feel like your thoughts and actions are crazy, but there is always someone here that can relate.  Keep sharing!

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I've had a hard time making decisions lately.

 

I used to hesitate because of our financial situation, paying for college and whatnot. Now that I'm not, I struggle to do anything for myself. I feel guilty trying to invest in myself and I don't know why. I should get a new car, or figure out where to move. But I just end up giving up or finding excuses about why I shouldn't. It hurts to be in the same house we lived in, and regardless on whether or not I could afford to move, it feels like I'm leaving something behind. I keep getting stuck.

 

I'm no farther ahead of where I was almost a year ago. I still feel miserable. I want to start a hobby. Maybe a project car or start making my own guitars like I've always wanted to. Why do I feel so damn guilty when I try to move forward? Why am I so damn conflicted?

[Wheelerswife]

I've had a hard time making decisions lately.

 

Why do I feel so damn guilty when I try to move forward? Why am I so damn conflicted?

 

Making decisions!  We second guess ourselves a lot, don't we?  Where did our confidence go?  Well, for one, we lost our sounding board.  We sometimes like to even think out loud with the ones we love, just to get some confirmation.  Now they are gone.  On top of that, our whole landscape has changed and we are making choices about things we wouldn't even be thinking about if our spouses/significant others were here.

 

And moving forward?  It is more that I don't want to live my life without him.  My second husband was also widowed and we tackled this one together and moved into a new life that was pretty awesome.  I think for us, we gave ourselves permission to keep living.  I know fully that he would want me to do the same again...to live out the rest of my life and find happiness.  Its just hard to do that when grief still holds you by the seat of your pants.  Eventually, for me, grief has been loosening its hold.  I think that time and intentionally processing my grief is what helps me prepare for living my future.

 

Hugs,

 

Maureen

[SoVerySad]

Tight hugs to you, SWW. I understand the hurt that accompanies the disappointment when those we expected would be there to support us vanish. I think it magnifies the loss of our spouses even more. I remember thinking about all I had done for so many family and friends. I felt cheated and hurt they didn't feel a desire to reciprocate. I realized that I was spending too much energy on my disappointment when I had so little energy to begin with. I decided that for now, I had to let my feelings about those others go. Not necessarily forgiving them, but focusing my energies elsewhere on things that might give me a little relief rather than adding to my pain. It was tough to do at first, but it helped me greatly to let go of that anger. I have no idea what my relationships with those people may be in the future, but it isn't something I need to prioritize right now.

I don't know if that approach might help you or not, but thought I would share something that helped me.

 

More hugs...

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks for the advice.

 

If I could, I'd probably cut most of them out of my life. But I'm not changing jobs anytime soon so...

It always been really hard for me to be alone. I've always had an easy time making friends. I'm just

not the same person anymore. I have been trying to focus on myself. Trying to figure out exactly

what it is I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what that is anymore.

[Jess]

I have been trying to focus on myself. Trying to figure out exactly

what it is I'm supposed to do. I just don't know what that is anymore.

 

I think this is a struggle most of us face. I know I do. I used to be a wife to man that needed me. When he died, that was gone. So what is my new role? What am I supposed to do? I'd be lying if I said I have that figured out. I don't. But things have become clearer as time has passed and I suppose as it continues to pass it will continue to come even more into focus. I guess no real advice, just wanted to say I get it.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks Jess.

 

 

I'm still slogging through it all, day by day. Part of me feels starved for attention. Part of me feels seclusion would be better.

I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone I know. Rejection is a powerful thing. I fear going out. I'm afraid to fall apart in front of anyone. I don't think I can really put myself out in the world because most just wouldn't understand how I keep acting.

 

On the few occasions that I've met new people, it's been terribly awkward. I struggle to just be normal, but I just end up coming off like an ass. I've heard people say...

 

"He hasn't been the same, just give him some space."

"I don't know why he's acting this way, what happened to him?"

"He's been cranky. Just leave him alone."

 

Excuses people make to not deal with the fact that you are suffering, and that they don't really want to put in the effort to help you out. Truth is, space is the last thing that I need. And after hearing things like this from the last group of people you have to talk to is just...

 

I wish I was the kind of person that could wake up everyday and not need anyone else's interaction. In trying to be ok with myself, I have made efforts to be that person. I really shouldn't care about people that value me so little. But everyday I wake up and hope that these people changed overnight. That they'll understand today what they brushed off yesterday. That they would care more, or see how much I need just a simple conversation, or ask if I need help.

 

It's a pipe dream. I've seen enough of the world to know it. Sadly I wan't to be friends more than they want to be mine. Why do I feel like I need to beg? Why don't the people who told me they care actually do it, instead of just saying it? If I could just pick a city and start over tomorrow, I would. Go somewhere where I don't have to be "That guy's fiancee died.". Go somewhere where I don't have to hear judgement from people who didn't even know her. It would all still be a part of who I am. But at least I could have a clean slate.

 

I'm sorry to vent so much.

[Jen]

Thanks Jess.

 

 

I'm still slogging through it all, day by day. Part of me feels starved for attention. Part of me feels seclusion would be better.

I don't want to be alone, but I don't want to be around anyone I know. Rejection is a powerful thing. I fear going out. I'm afraid to fall apart in front of anyone. I don't think I can really put myself out in the world because most just wouldn't understand how I keep acting.

 

Please, PLEASE do not be sorry for venting!! That's why we're here!

 

This sums it up very well. I desperately want human contact... except when I have it. Sigh. Mostly I just want one pair of arms to hold me and tell me everything will be all right. But that's not happening, so... :-\

 

Hugs to you.

[twistedmensa]

I desperately want human contact... except when I have it.

[/quote

 

OMG...story of my life...lol. GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!

[Quixote]

Another "get out of brain!" here. I just need to be alone. Except I miss people. Who need to give me my space. Where'd they all go?

 

Sound about right?

[stuckwonderingwhy]

I spent Thanksgiving alone. I have mixed feelings about it.

 

On one hand it was a quiet peaceful day. No one was trying to dance around my grief. No awkward family moments. I made a small dinner and ate alone. I feel like this was easier than being around a bunch of people. I cannot remember the last time I was alone for a Thanksgiving. I don't think I've ever had one alone.

 

On the other hand, I wasn't invited anywhere. No friends or family asked if I had any plans. No one bothered to ask me what I was doing. I received one text from Dad. That's it. I would like to think that if I had a friend going through this, especially during the holidays, I'd make sure they didn't have to go it alone. I'd at least make the offer.

 

I'm really tired of being the one that has to initiate. Why can't people who supposedly care take the time to be my friend? I've posted before how I feel about my group of "friends". I know it's because they aren't the friends I thought they were. I'm still dealing with that. I wanted more from people than what they want to give. And it's not my place to be angry at them for it. I should just move on and leave them behind.

 

Sadly, that just leaves me by myself. Me and my one text a month from Dad.

 

Part of me want's to be ok with being alone. Forge a new "me". One that's not so damn co-dependent on others. The other part of me wishes that I didn't have to, because my friends wouldn't let me be alone. I refuse to beg for friendship or attention. I'm so damn tired of putting myself out there just to be stepped on and ignored. I don't want anyone's pity, I just want people to notice a good person, one that is still suffering.

[Max2507]

I don't know what people are thinking (or maybe its that they are not thinking) sorry you did not receive any invites for thanksgiving. Its times like this I wish there was a widow train to wisk widows off to a holiday meal so you could have some support with people that understand.

[stuckwonderingwhy]

Thanks Max.

 

I wish I knew what people were thinking too.