Tommorow

[br0peth]

Is my 16 year wedding anniversary,  how did you all do it?  Getting sad thinking about it.

[Jess]

I did it with a lot of tears. What would have been my eighth wedding anniversary happened when I was about 2.5 months out. It honestly is now a blur. I know that my brother and his wife took me out for a casual dinner, but I can't even remember if I went to work that day or not. I do remember that it was the last day I wore my wedding ring because it felt right for me personally to take it off. I hope you get through it the best you can.

[Virgo]

We spent our 19th anniversary at the Simon Cancer Center in Indianapolis. My first anniversary without my husband would have been our 20th. I took my daughters to 'our ' restaurant. It was their first time dining there. This year we went to the  Kalahari.  So basically redirection.

[Guaruj]

Our 10th anniversary came 9 months after Catherine died. I took my mother-in-law out to lunch at a restaurant we all enjoyed.

 

Whatever you choose to do, I would make sure that it is meaningful to you. It will help if you know that it also has meaning for your late wife.

 

|+|  M a r k  |+|

[donswife]

I rented a house on the lake for that weekend

it was in august and on the official day I made sure, for me ,to be alone and sitting by the lake

I didn't want to have to put on a brave face for that day

the tears will come but I hope whatever you decide to do you have a few minutes of remembering your wife

take care

 

,

[br0peth]

50 minutes to go and IM completely sobbing.  It hurts.

 

Wishing for my old life back.

 

Happy Anniversary baby.

 

[Jess]

As much as it hurts and as much as I wish you didn't have to, you will make it through this day. When I was earlier out and facing so many of these terrible firsts, someone told me something that was so simple but resonated with me so I will tell it to you and hope it helps, too. This is the only time you will ever have to spend your first anniversary without her here with you. Once the day is done, you are through it and will never have to face that first again.

 

For this day, let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Tears are okay, sadness is okay, even smiling or laughing are okay. There is no right or wrong way other than self harm. Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

[br0peth]

As much as it hurts and as much as I wish you didn't have to, you will make it through this day. When I was earlier out and facing so many of these terrible firsts, someone told me something that was so simple but resonated with me so I will tell it to you and hope it helps, too. This is the only time you will ever have to spend your first anniversary without her here with you. Once the day is done, you are through it and will never have to face that first again.

 

For this day, let yourself feel whatever you need to feel. Tears are okay, sadness is okay, even smiling or laughing are okay. There is no right or wrong way other than self harm. Thinking of you and wishing you comfort.

 

Very comforting and thank you.  I have cried today and was happy today.  People are staying in constant touch on facebook and texts. Its nice the support is there. The first of anything always sucks so I understand.

 

I have decided to take off my wedding ring sometime today.  AS much as it pains me to do it,  I have honored my wife, I have honored our vows that I took with here 16 years ago. Till death do us part.  Something I am very proud of and I know she is too. 

 

I will not let this destroy me, my kids need me.  I want to live a life that's meant to be fun, sharing it with someone (preferably my loving wife but we know how that turned out), have a good job, great kids and a good outlook on life. I realized today DW and I never talked about the what if's in life. This has troubled me since I'm not exactly sure what she would want from me now. I cant hear from her. I ask her everyday.

 

I decided I don't want to be that guy that wakes up 2 years later and then decide to start my life over. I am grieving. But I also am realistic. I am sad but optimistic. Today I finally had memories where it didn't make me cry and was joyous that I have known my baby for 24 years of my life. She was my second girlfriend I ever had. The first was just 2 dates. I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. I hope she is around watching us. I hope she can hear us when we pray to her. I hope she will be our guardian angel when we need her. I hope to see her again one day.

[Prov31cadet]

You are doing great! Keep the hope and positive attitude going. My husband and I never talked about the what ifs either, but I know he would want the best for my boys and me. I'm sure she would want that too for you and your children. You are hitting the milestones pretty early, but that is okay because in a year from now you won't have the firsts anymore as Jess said.

[Virgo]

That's good that you are feeling supported by family and friends today. If they offer to help you in any way let them.

 

I felt the same way about my wedding ring. I wore it twice. It didn?t bring me comfort like it does for some. I had my diamond solitaire set into a pendant so I could wear it,  but in a different way.

 

My husband and I briefly talked about the what if's. Those were our hopeless days between round one and two of aggressive chemo. I wasn?t ready for that conversation.  We were in fight mode. His diagnosis to death was 4 months.

 

We were high school sweethearts, different high schools. We had both dated someone prior to meeting.  I choose to believe they are watching over us and we will see them again.

[Justin]

br0peth,

 

It is good to read that you are doing well and staying optimistic.

 

My wife and I were high-school sweethearts, as well. What would have been our 22nd anniversary (and the first without Marsha) fell on Thanksgiving Day last year. At first, I was glad that there was the "distraction" of the holiday. I did well visiting my mom's family for lunch, but didn't stay as long as I normally do. It really, really hit me when DD and I went to have dinner with my wife's family. The empty space of her absence cut me hard while there.

 

I tried my best to visit with them and make the day seem like a "normal" Thanksgiving. In the end, it was too much I ended up drinking a bit too much "holiday cheer" and my wife's brother drove us home.

 

I'm so glad your day is going better.

[Mizpah]

I realized today DW and I never talked about the what if's in life. This has troubled me since I'm not exactly sure what she would want from me now. I cant hear from her. I ask her everyday.

 

I decided I don't want to be that guy that wakes up 2 years later and then decide to start my life over.

 

I hope that today is getting less painful as the hours go by, but you're so early out, you will be in raw pain for a while if my and my widow friends' experiences are anything to go by, though I wish you (all suffering in the early days) immediate relief....  I lost DH very suddenly, and we too never talked about what if - he only told me he'd use his last breath on this earth to tell me he loves me (couldn't), and that we needed to be buried in the same casket (obviously not possible, and probably not legal anyway), and that he'd cut my hands off if I ever looked at another man (this was jokey - he was NOT serious and not possessive or violent, just adoring and very "no one's in love like we are").  I was left wondering what he'd want - thinking maybe he'd want me to jump into the grave with him at the burial.  Thinking maybe he'd want me to fall in love and do all the things we'd planned to do together.  I didn't know.  I can speculate based on knowing him - no one knew him better - but when it comes down to it, if we didn't talk about it, I can't know 100%.  So I have to trust that he loved ME and he trusted ME and so he believed in my decisionmaking and my preferences and needs and inclinations.  If I wanted to be alone, if I wanted to find someone else.  So I trusted my gut, and just tried to incorporate the best of his traits into my outlook and my life, and hoped that I would conduct myself in a way that would have made him proud of me. 

 

And I laughed when I read two years, because it was EXACTLY at the two year mark that I naturally began to feel alive again.  Perhaps it will be shorter for you, I hope so, you seem determined and like you know what you want and you will make it happen.  But if it isn't shorter, and if you have a hard time and if you need to grieve and mourn longer than you'd prefer, don't rush yourself to be somewhere you're not ready to be.  The best favor you can do yourself, in my opinion, is to be as true to yourself and as honest with yourself as possible, as genuine and authentic within yourself as you can, even if that means being sad longer than you want to. 

 

I'm at a different life phase than you, but two years after my (28-year-old) DH died, I traveled to the Middle East and Europe alone and came alive again.  When I returned, I unexpectedly fell in love with a widower (I truly believed I'd never again have feelings for another man), and now we have a beautiful, joyful almost-year-and-a-half-old daughter.  You will rebuild.  You will likely find joy in life again and you will, if you want, likely find a partner who you love.  My mantra in the darkest minutes, days, hours, I chanted in my head, "Turn to the light."  I didn't even know what I meant at the time, but I think there was something in me that was chanting: Survive.  Thrive.  Be alive again one day. 

[br0peth]

Thank you Mizpah and Thank you everyone for sharing your stories with me. I think about everyone here as I read through old posts talking about them.

 

I appreciate you talking with me and helping me get through this.  I'm trying to stay strong and optimistic.  That's what my DW would do.  She was a very happy person and touched many lives.  I hope to be there with someone as they go through this process.

 

I left work a little early today to just relax and think about my wife.  You are right Miz.. I am in raw pain still.  I still cry.  I just know in my heart that I don't want this to wreck my life.  So trying to stay positive is all I have. I'm real happy for you.

 

I take comfort that a week prior this happening her and I had a date night together and shared a night with each other.  I truly will miss her.

 

Thank you everyone.

 

[ssdad]

Our 21st anniversary would have been on the 4th, 10 weeks after he died. I had plans to go to our favorite Indian food restaurant alone. A dear friend invited herself, and I was glad for the distraction. Hope you had moments of peace that day.

[Jen]

Our fifth anniversary came 9 months after he left. It was hard... we should have had so many more. No matter how many you get, it's never enough. Hugs to you.