What really matters now?

[MrsDan]

So I've been trying this online dating thing, trying to navigate it, and I just find myself very confused. Like, I've met and talked on the phone with this musician a few times, and it's sort of become clear he's not as far along in his career as I'd thought. He's obviously very talented, and he has goals but I think his plans for achieving them are misguided. But then I think, do I care about that? It's not like I need someone to support me. So why should that even matter? And yet, it somehow diminishes my attraction to him. There are other guys too, they're nice and all but I just don't feel any attraction. Is that important? I wish it wasn't, but it is. I've been dicked around a lot, and it seems like after everything I've been through niceness should supersede everything but it just doesn't. Just rambling here I guess.

[Virgo]

You shouldn't have to force yourself to feel something for someone. If you enjoy spending time with the musician continue going out and see what happens. I wasn?t attracted to my husband right away, but something about him made me want to see him again.

[Mizpah]

I find it difficult to be with someone who's still figuring his stuff out and trying to establish his place in the world.  That being said, if you like him and he fits with your life right now and he's a good guy and it doesn't bother you, maybe there's no harm in that fact.  If you don't need a partner to support you, I guess it's a matter of whether it's a sign of something else in him that doesn't bode well, or whether it causes you to have less respect for him as a person/man.  Maybe it's fine and he's a dreamer and a starving artist.  Depends on what you're looking for.

[momtokam]

A lot depends on what you are hoping for.

 

Something long term, or short term, or just fun outings.

I think I waver on these thoughts in my mind and they often vary depending on the person I might be talking to or my outlook at any given time.

 

I still hope when the the right person does show up one day, these won't be questions I'll be worried about.

 

Yes, I know...I probably didn't offer any real advice.

 

Nice is very good... you could try and just enjoy what comes for now. We all need some smiles and fun in our lives without too much over thinking.

[MrsDan]

Ha, well after I posted this I talked to him and he told me a class he'd pitched to a local college got picked up.

 

I don't know, I like him, but not sure if in that way. Doesn't help that I had a dream about Dan last night. How I miss that man. This guy is nothing like Dan, and I realize that's not the point, but in some ways it draws some of the things I miss about him into sharper relief. With Dan there was an instant attraction. That's not the case here. I realize it could develop, and I'm trying to see if it happens. But I'm pretty sure it is there for his, and if it doesn't ever happen on my end, I'll just feel like a giant jag bag. 

[MrsDan]

So, we've hung out a bit more and talked on the phone a few times. He's incredibly na?ve about certain things, and I'm struck by how willing (I think) I am to overlook it. I don't know, I just really like him.

 

When I was in grad school I had this professor who was brilliant, as you have to be to get to that position, but was hands down the most unstylish person I ever met. I remember thinking, how can you be so smart, and yet have no concept of a hairbrush, or what clothes are remotely flattering or attractive. And then I thought, maybe there's so much intelligence one has, and all of it can be directed in a certain area. So, all her brilliance was zeroed in on historical study. None left for being stylish. Maybe this guy's intelligence is all focused on the clarinet, and knowing how to treat people. Because he is just so considerate. It seems genuine, not like something forced or motivated by something else.

[klim]

You're attracted or at least intrigued ......and he's really considerate.... I'd suggest riding it out and see where it goes.

 

[Guest TooSoon]

I think the rules of engagement are different in life #2. If he is nice, engaging and attentive and you share interests and similar world views, then that might be what matters most.  For what it is worth, I have been humbled (and overjoyed)  by the way physical attraction and intimacy are things I so did not understand until now.  It has been something that has developed and keeps getting better over time and it exists, at least for me, far outside of the realm of appearances.  But kindness, honesty/trust/consistency and forgiveness.  I'd put those at the very top of my list in life #2.  . Keep us posted. 

 

 

[Bear Tomás]

Women are way too pragmatic.  :

[Sugarbell]

Someone with their shit together.😊

 

That covers about everything in my book. Oh and great sex.

[Guest TheOtherHalf]

I hear you saying your attraction to him has diminished because he's not focused. I'm glad you're questioning that. Because you were more attracted to him when you thought he was more focused, yet you're wondering why that matters?

 

It sounds to me like it's possible for you to become more attracted to him again, once you figure out why that matters, so I hope you do. Because if he can offer you friendship, support, love, affection, loyalty, trust, what more can a soul starved for companionship and love want? Don't mean to be presumptuous with that remark - that's actually how I feel - absolutely starved for love, so I just assume we all feel that way, lol. 

 

If you feel that way too, then why do you, (and for that part, why do I) deny yourself the very substance of life?

 

With this very theme and question in mind, I tentatively, gingerly, ask, is it possible that this focus thing might have more to do with you than with him? Or is this focus thing a decoy?

 

If you want to wrangle with this analytically, I'm ready to give it a go.

[Bear Tomás]

All I need is a woman to make me smile and laugh.

[MrsDan]

Well, we're going out this weekend. He sent me some music he made, and I have to say, it's pretty amazing. And I find him very easy to talk to. I feel like previous versions of me would be over thinking things, and the fact that I'm not really doing that is what's sort of jarring. I think a big part of me feels pulled into that old way of thinking because time I spend with him, or any man, for that matter, is time away from my daughter. But I just like him, so I'll see where it goes.

[MrsDan]

We went out Saturday and it was great. Like, really, really great. Interestingly, I met another guy for lunch this weekend who I had been chatting with, and I thought, I sure wish this was N instead, which I found pretty telling. Of course, he could totally disappear, decide he's really not into this old widow. But that's a whole different concern. I find it interesting that I've found myself wanting to learn more about this guy, rather than just shutting him down. And the more I get to know him, the more I like him. Which makes logical sense of course, but I'm not sure it always works that way.

[momtokam]

Just enjoy it for now, and try not to over think it.

If you are enjoying your time with him, then just keep doing that!