New here and very sad

[Mlb34u]

A friend recommended this website to me.  I lost my husband on October 7, 2015.  He was just 46.  He had a cardio inversion the day before and the next morning said he felt great.  We both went into work late that day.  We homeschool our only daughter who is 12.  She does her schooling online and goes with him to his office a couple days a week.  He was a pastor.  I went to my office and we usually meet for lunch but didn't that day.  My daughter called me frantically around 4:05 to tell me he wasn't breathing.  He had taken a nap and didn't wake up.  I work about 8-10 min away but didn't make it home in time.  A neighbor police officer got to her pretty quickly since I had called 911. 

 

My life is so changed.  He was the one who paid the bills and was the main source of income.  I feel so lost and sometimes feel like I am sinking into a depression.  I make it because the doctor has prescribed me medicine to help me.  I don't like taking it but it is the only thing that keeps me on an even emotional state.  My daughter has been so strong but just recently started breaking down.  We are talking to a school psychologist friend tomorrow night.  I know it is the holidays approaching that makes me feel so lonely.  I have a great church family that supports me in many ways.  My daughter is also an all star cheerleader and my cheer family is so very supportive to us.  But there are so many times I feel alone and it is hard because I don't know anyone else that has lost a spouse at my age.  We were supposed to grow old together.  I don't even like the term widow.  I hope to find some comfort here.

[Max2507]

I am so sorry for your loss. This is a safe place to vent your feelings and not feel alone. There were so many days early on that I just wanted to lay on the floor in the fetal position. Try to take it one moment at a time, drink water, eat regular, take deep breaths.

[Jess]

Welcome Mlb34u. I am so very sorry for your loss. At first, I hated the term widow, too. The first time I went to actually say it out loud, it stuck on my tongue like poison. It is an awful thing to be, but at 16 months out I understand it is part of who I am. This community has been amazing for me because the times I felt alone they were right there with me living this nightmare, too. The more I got to know people, the more I realized they are some of the last people I'd ever want this to happen to. I am wishing you and your daughter peace and comfort.

[First Widow]

Mlb34u - I'm so very sorry for your loss.  I lost my husband in May and like you, I didn't know any other young widows.  I adopted the username First Widow in an attempt to acknowledge my new reality.  The inspiration came from something my son's counselor explained to him in his first session after my husband died, that my son shared with me.  He said that grief is like a curtain and we can't see what's on the other side.  As we process grief, we first approach the curtain and fall back from the pain.  Later we are able to reach the curtain, but when we touch it we fall back again.  Eventually we are able to pull back the curtain and move through and that is when we can begin to feel better.  It inspired me, I just wanted to get to the other side of the curtain as fast as I could.  I think I've decided that there might be many sets of curtains in my grief and I still struggle, but coming to this site and seeing the progress members have made and working with my counselor has helped me so much.  Sending much love and prayers to you and your daughter.

[Justin]

Welcome, Mlb34u -  but I am so very sorry you had to come here.

 

We lost my wife unexpectedly in her sleep at home, also. My daughter didn't find her, but came running when she heard my wailing so she saw her mom lying dead and actually dialed 911 - she was 15 at the time. My daughter was also very strong from the beginning, taking care of Dad and worrying about me. As the shock wore off, she began to get more and more upset and then eventually pushed the grief deep down for a while. Because of this, it delayed a lot of her grieving but when it did re-surface, I was in a much better spot to help her. One of the toughest things - for me- was to try to determine what behavior was being caused by grief and what was just normal teen behavior. We are 16 months out now, and she is actually doing quite well. She has straight A's, has been accepted to her #1 college with a partial scholarship, and is volunteering at a soup kitchen meal tonight. The really sad thoughts are coming back with the holidays looming, but are manageable. However, we held my wife's funeral at our church and my daughter still hasn't been able to return there.

 

I've read that children do best with grief when they have something to look forward to. At first, it was hard just to get out of the house. Maybe a Saturday trip to the antique mall to look for old records for a couple of hours. At two months out, we took a day trip to a local national park. Then at three months out, we embarked on a week-long roadtrip through the South and got as far as New Orleans before heading back home. It was on this journey that I was able to let go of the grief a little and learn that I could laugh again.

 

Hang in there, and let the waves of grief wash over you when they do. It may be hard to even think of tomorrow right now, and you don't even have to. Just get through today. It may not seem like it now, but you will be able to see that you are making progress one day soon. At about three and half months was when I first realized - like walking up a gentle hill and turning around, thinking "Wow. I've really climbed up quite a bit."

 

 

[Trying]

You have found a safe place where we all understand.  I am so very sorry that you needed to be glad you found us.

[br0peth]

Welcome to the club nobody wants to be apart of.  I am a month into losing my wife of 24 years.

 

My wife had a seizure in the middle of the night, cardiac arrest, snap. Jesus.  I miss her everyday.

 

Please talk to people. Share your experiences with others.  Find some counseling. Talk.

 

I have reached to so many people that I'm actually in a really good place with my grief.  Some things hit me during the day but I can control it and rather cry I smile.  Turn that grief into power.  Honor him.  He wouldn't want you to cry for him.  He would want you to move on, be happy and take care of yourself.  I know its hard but make it your goal. 

 

Proverbs 24:14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul; if you find it, there will be a future, and your hope will not be cut off.

 

Praying for you.

Dan

 

 

 

[Jen]

So many hugs. I am so, so sorry. It took me well over a year to be able to say "I'm a widow," and it still stings. The best I can say is that you're in the right place... we're listening, and we get it.

[lcoxwell]

I truly have no words to express how sorry I am, that you have a reason to be here. It breaks my heart, each and every time a new person has the need to join us. You will find that the people here are always willing to listen and to offer up support, whenever you need it. I never would have made it through the first couple of months, without the advice and strength I found here. (((Hugs)))