N43EM Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Heading out for spring break with my 3 kids. They are super excited. I should be. But I seem to be more stressed and sad. 8 years and I still dread the "only parent" role. I am lucky to have lovely kids who will be great on this trip, and to be able to afford to go on the trip at all. But its so not what I want. I crave normalcy, which unfortunately for me means a 2 parent family (and no idea how to overcome that). And I want to enjoy myself. Why does that seem so difficult? Shouldn't making my kids happy make me happy? Does anyone else struggle after so long? OR do you take it in stride? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 But its so not what I want. I crave normalcy, which unfortunately for me means a 2 parent family (and no idea how to overcome that). And I want to enjoy myself. Why does that seem so difficult? Shouldn't making my kids happy make me happy? Does anyone else struggle after so long? OR do you take it in stride? Making others happy - even our children - does not have to bring us happiness. There is a satisfaction in it, perhaps, but I have always felt that happiness is something we do for ourselves. A choice. But hard to choose when our options are limited by circumstances. The struggle that I still have is that care-taking and grief changed core things about me and some of those things, I don't like but can't be fixed. Physical things. Emotional things. I am not sure if I take things in stride. I am not naturally a "zen" kind of person. But after nine years, I am done fighting the changes. I work with what is. I remember reading posts from widows years ahead of me and thinking "good lord, really? they aren't kidding. shit still comes up?" But yeah. It does. It just doesn't flatten me anymore. Probably not you either but it wearisome and it can make you question and wonder (again) if you are doing this all wrong because this or that other person seems so much more put together, self-actualized, accomplished, blah, blah. I am glad you posted. I have been wondering how you were doing as this and that old board member showed up here or on Facebook. Don't worry if a holiday doesn't inspire you to more joyfulness. Holidays are still work when you're a single parent. Being out of the daily routine is freeing for the kids but poses different logistics for you that are sometimes more work than routine day to day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momtokam Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Me too......2 1/2 years out. I could also have written your post, word for word except for the timeframe, except that we are going with another family, (2 parent though), which I am worried will make my husband's absence even harder than it already is. We travelled last summer on our own and even though we enjoyed ourselves, it was bittersweet for me. I'm not sure this feeling will really ever go away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobFTC Posted March 13, 2015 Share Posted March 13, 2015 Hey L, I can relate. The first "vacation" I took (to Universal Studios in Orlando), I foolishly expected to relax. Nope, I was on duty without a break for the whole time, just like at home. I had some new experiences, but my last nerve was pretty much just as frayed when I came home. I wondered if I got more of a break on one day when Michelle was "on duty" as I had combined since we lost her. Over time, I have been better able to relax on vacation. I make sure that at least some part of what we do is fun for me, it cannot be a "make the kids happy" thing exclusively. I make sure part of it has us interacting with other adults, because when the girls get mired in discussions about anime/manga/Pokemon, I start looking for sharp objects. I make sure that we don't go somewhere cool only to be locked up in a faceless hotel room or equivalent (my girls don't appear to ever regret that!). Of course, one of the great things that has changed is how much more they can do for themselves. Take care, Rob T Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 "It just doesn't flatten me anymore. Probably not you either but it wearisome " Nice to hear from you Annie. I think wearisome sums it up. Its hard not to beat myself up for feeling things that I think should be over and done with! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Momtokam -good luck on your vacation - I hope it turns out awesome!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 Of course, one of the great things that has changed is how much more they can do for themselves. Hi Rob, yes, it makes a big difference! I remember people telling me "they won't be little forever" and that it would get less demanding. I couldn't see it at the time. But its true. Actually I'm starting to feel like a bit of a whiner for posting I think I have blocked out the memories of how truly difficult it was when the grief was raw and the kids were very little. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 You shouldn't beat yourself up and you are not a whiner. Sometimes it's just nice to get it all out and know that people understand. It's spring. It's a holiday. Enjoy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted March 14, 2015 Author Share Posted March 14, 2015 It's spring. It's a holiday. Enjoy. Thanks! We're heading to the ocean, which I love so much, so its bound to be good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
singinmomo4 Posted March 14, 2015 Share Posted March 14, 2015 YES, YES, YES!!! 5 years and vacations as an only parent just wear me out and make me wish for the "good ole days" as a two parent family. (((((BIG HUGS)))) to us all, continuing to do it all on our own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trying Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 Last year I did a 4 day weekend trip with middle and youngest child while oldest was on a school trip. I was nervous going into it but it was great and less than a week helped. They were 9 and 15 so self sufficient. We are going this year for 5 days and bringing oldest too. That will change the dynamics and he's been the one who is having a tough time. I'm hoping it goes as well because we really need it as a family. The hardest thing for me was the adult conversation missing at dinner time. The best part was being in control (DH was type A and liked to be in control of schedules yet had a tough time getting up and going in the morning). I hope you find some way to enjoy yourself and something that makes you happy too! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sugarbell Posted March 15, 2015 Share Posted March 15, 2015 I don't get the blues....but yeah I sure get tired. I love traveling with my kids...I prefer driving (like no more than 12 hours from home) We flew once...that was a little stressful ( and went to Disney.. They were 5,8 and 10) But I do get tired...and it is lots of work and preparing. But we always have a blast. I didn't vacation with them until I was 3 years out (they were tiny) and that was a 10 hour drive to the beach. First time I admit I was a nervous wreck-now it doesn't bother me at all. We are planning trips this summer and my new guy friend is going with us. I am more nervous about that. I have been in the drivers seat doing this solo for so long-not sure how I will like another adult helping me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted April 4, 2015 Author Share Posted April 4, 2015 Well, so much for all my worry and stress. The vacation was awesome!!!!! Everything went so smoothly, we were in an amazing place (Big Sur CA) and had so much fun. Honestly, it was one of the best vacations of my life. I did hate going to bed alone at the end of the day, but my kids were great company and so excited about everything. It seems to be the case that the "living" is usually better than the "anticipating" where fears, doubts, and would-have, should-haves come into play. Have to remind myself of that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anniegirl Posted April 4, 2015 Share Posted April 4, 2015 It seems to be the case that the "living" is usually better than the "anticipating" where fears, doubts, and would-have, should-haves come into play. Have to remind myself of that. Totally agree and it's a habit that's hard to break. I still get caught up in the "anticipating" dread more easily than I would like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest look2thesky Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 My vacations are spent at home. Haven't had the resources or desire to travel. After 5 years I am still sorting through endless projects and trying to to downsize possessions. My vacations now are home based. Maybe I'll design a little tropical spot in the backyard, which can withstand a storm. A blowup pool or something. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gracelet Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 I just came back from my first holiday without Elle, but with someone else (my mother). Travelling solo has been successful for me, but this trip was rather triggering. My last few posts on my blog are about my trip and the surrounding emotions it if you fancy a read www.eerilycheerily.com . Includes me crying over Toblerones in the airport... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
N43EM Posted April 10, 2015 Author Share Posted April 10, 2015 A blowup pool or something. lol that is a lovely idea! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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