new girl worries she's being disrespectful

[gracelet]

I've been seeing new girl for nearly four months now, about one month of that is exclusive. We had our first 'outing' on Thursday night. There's a network for lesbians in the corporate world in my city and it was the Christmas party. This network is one that my wife and I were part of so going with new girl, and being on her arm was quite a daunting prospect. Turns out new girl and I fit perfectly naturally and I loved being hers. I was, of course, prepared for me being judged and having a tricky conversation or two at the party.

 

What I was not prepared for was new girl being judged. A mutual contact, who also knew my late wife, said to new girl while I wasn't around, 'don't you think it's inappropriate being with Grace?'

 

This has of course unsettled new girl. She's 23 and a commitmentphobe anyway so getting used to being with anyone is new, nevermind a 29 year old widow. She was actually really quite upset about it and has since said to me, 'maybe she's right. Maybe I'm being disrespectful.'

 

I am so livid at this other woman. When I'm angry, I cry, and as I fell asleep in new girl's arms, a couple of tears did trickle the other night. How dare she judge new girl?

 

I am starting to see that new girl is experiencing guilt at being with me. She also asked me what I though my late wife would think of her. How do I help her with these feelings?

 

We talk a lot and are honest with one another when things are awkward. She acknowledges this will take getting used to and that we need baby steps. I reassure her that I'm very happy with her (because I am) and that she enhances my happiness. I also explained that I've had two years to get my head around the fact and accept that there's no way I can please everyone. I'm either dwelling on the past and need to get over it, or am being disrespectful in having fun and loving life again. She however has only essentially had a month so I said it's no surprise that she's worrying what people think for now. Did I say the right thing?

 

Sorry for incoherence. I'm hungover (having fun and loving life too much  )and just trying to get my thoughts out.

[canadiangirl]

You have a right to be ticked at the mutual contact (contact being the right word, as this sure wasn't the intervention of a friend).  I am sorry this put a damper on things for you.

[Guest TalksToAngels]

Mutual contact is a dumb skull and deserves a boot.

[Guest TooSoon]

My advice to you and new girl is just ignore it.  Do your thing. Your thing is the only thing that matters. ox

[Jess]

Ugh, this really upsets me that someone would say such a thing to her. Honestly, how dare that woman? People are always going to judge, there's no stopping it, whether that judgement is that something is good, bad, or indifferent. People with an ounce of decency will know enough to keep their damn mouths shut is they are judging something as bad- especially if they have not experienced this kind of loss themselves. Obviously this chick has a such a high opinion of her own thoughts that she doesn't see the need to filter herself, no matter how it may make others feel. You should be pissed off about how this affected your new girl, but the woman that caused the pain is not even worth a second of your consideration. She is a self- unaware baboon's ass.

 

On a personal note, next week I am bringing my new guy to my work's annual holiday party. I fully expect to be judged, but if one single person pulls that crap... oh man.

[gracelet]

I know mutual contact is an idiot, and of course what she's said is ridiculous. Thankfully I rarely encounter her

 

What I'm struggling with is how to support new girl through the guilt she is feeling. Any suggestions apart from saying 'you don't need to feel guilty'?!

[Jess]

It's a tough one, for sure so I am not sure how good my advice will be, but here are my thoughts. I think reiterating how much you care for her and thus would never try to put her in the position of being anywhere that her presence would be considered inappropriate may help... that anywhere she is with you is 100% appropriate because of your feelings for her. I think that one thing new relationships do is help us feel like we have a stake in our own lives, and making us feel alive is something never to feel guilty about. I think pointing out all the specific good she does for you versus the weight of the opinion of one idiot could help.

[Trying]

What a horrible thing to say someone!  I would just reassure new girl that this other woman is an idiot.  A widow is not supposed to wear black and remain alone and lonely for the rest of her life.  You fulfilled your wedding vows, "till death do us part" is part of our vows (in the U.S. at least.). You have done and continue to do the hard work of grieving but you are choosing to live and there is nothing wrong in that.

 

Dating a widow is tough and new girl is very young which often means more insecurity.  Gentle reassurance and time will help.

[hachi]

I think you said the right  thing, Grace.

 

I know that when I feel a certain way, being told I should not feel that way is a slap to me. I mean, I can't help how I feel. You responding with empathy is a wonderful thing. Assuring her that YOU don't feel that way is also appropriate, and helping her to figure out why she feels this way. If she only feels it because of what was said, and not because she was already feeling that way on some level, then maybe it will not be too difficult to encourage her.

[Mizpah]

I'm with a widower and know the discomfort that comes with the terrain.  No one has disrespected me in any way and it's hard enough.  I can't imagine how awful that must have felt.  That person is highlighting her worst fears.  As long as you're a safe place and you guys are intact and healthy, I think the feelings will slowly improve, though I'm sure the worries will always be there, no matter how small.  In many ways, a relationship is two people "against" the world, not as in hostility/adversarial, but two people as a team confronting the outside.  Take care of each other, weed out the idiots, and process the feelings/thoughts (no matter how unsavory, difficult, or contradictory) with love and acceptance and bravery, and that's really all any of us can do. 

[merrylea]

It sounds like maybe the guilt is coming from insecurity?  Especially thinking about if late wife would like her?

 

I think all of us feel insecure at times with new relationships.  Dating a widow is hard (even if you are a widow yourself!)  I have compared myself to his LW, and felt that I have come up short.  Widower BF has admitted feeling the same at times. I, too, have wondered if she would like me, if she and I would be friends. (Although me banging her husband would have probably put a damper on things)

 

I think several things help.  First, keep encouraging her to share her feelings with you. I think open and honest communication can strengthen relationships and help her from feeling guilty and insecure.  Second, keep reassuring her. When people hear things again and again, they will start to believe it.

 

Also, that person is a complete idiot. People always judge.  I have judged widows in the past (before being widowed, and was just thoughts in the head that I kept in myself) and now realize what a complete idiot I was.  After being widowed, have realized that everyone that loved me and my late husband just wants my happiness, and I don't give a flying fuck what anyone else thinks!