As Christmas Approaches

[Mac]

It?s been 3-1/2 years since Cindy passed.

 

Christmas Eve 6 months after she passed, I was in my bedroom playing Nothing Compares 2U by Sin?ad O Connor over and over again, sobbing all the time. My daughter asked me: ?Dad, why are you doing that to yourself?? My response: ?Because, I need to.? My children did get to enjoy Christmas with Cindy?s family.

 

The second Christmas was slightly better, but I was pretty apathetic about any celebrating. Certainly much emotion and missing Cindy so very much. There again, thank goodness for relatives.

 

The third Christmas, things are getting better. But still, putting forth a minimal effort. Not as much sadness. Looking at so many of the videos from all of those wonderful Christmases spent together.

 

The fourth Christmas without Cindy is approaching. I have been looking at some of the photos. No sadness. I do miss her, but I have so much gratitude for all the years that we spent together. It does appear that as a family we are adjusting more to our new life. That it?s not just a matter of making do.

[IfIonlycould]

Mac-Totally get it...as I posted in the General section I am really, finally decorating for Christmas this year and have actually been finding the joy of the season again as I connect and reconnect with friends and family. 

(My first Christmas was spent hiding out in my brothers basement cleaning and organizing.)

 

[Needytoo]

The first Christmas was horrible, I remember sending out pretty good hints to family members to invite the kids and I over.  No one did.  Sure didn't help with the loneliness and my horrible anger issues.

 

Second Christmas I wanted to boycott the whole thing which I did.  The kids and I and another widow and her kids we went to Punta Cana it was fabulous.  I think that is when I was at the acceptance level and a few months really focused on living in the present and I forgave and let all that anger go.  And your right Mac, gratitude really can change your mind sight. 

 

Thanksgiving actually had our first extended Christmas with my family.  First time my kids met two of their cousins.

 

This Christmas it will just be my kids and I and I welcome it.  Hopefully this weekend I get the tree up and I made a few decorations.  Still no decorations outside that will be for next year.  Another year that I am not sending out Christmas cards and I am alright with that.  Maybe to be different I will send out Easter cards. 

[twistedmensa]

Last year was our first Christmas without DH. It sucked. We didn't decorate, except for a 12 inch tiny musical tree that I got for the kids a few days before Christmas...just to have something to put a few gifts under. This year, my kids are definitely looking forward to the season (I'm not) so I decorated the house, including the outside. I still can't locate some of the decorations, they are either stacked in the garage or I have misplaced some boxes during the move, but our home is nonetheless "festive."

 

I have always done Christmas dinner at my house until we moved to the Keys in 2012. Now that I'm back, it looks like I'm back to doing dinner. I enjoy baking, but not in bulk...so I opt for the Honeybaked Ham Store in my time of need and let them do the grunt work. I plan on watching a marathon of my favorite holiday movies and avoiding as much socializing as I can.

 

I would be perfectly happy if nobody showed up, but my mother has already invited people. I have never been a Martha Stewart type, so playing hostess is not my thing. I don't get a big thrill out of putting on a fancy holiday shindig. I'm a little resentful that I have to play Susie Homemaker for the day when I would be perfectly happy to do a drive-thru dinner.

 

I am trying to remind myself that putting on a brave face, while difficult, will make better Christmas memories for my kids. No need for me to rob them of happiness this time of year.

 

So I will don the Christmas Tree hat with the pretty LED lights and put on a maniacal smile that screams, "Merry Freakin' Christmas!"

 

[hachi]

Right behind you Mac, on the timeline and also coming up on my 4th Christmas without Craig. It is bittersweet, and I am blessed that I can remember the good times with him, and not feel as alone in a crowd as I have in the past holidays.

[Torn]

Yeah...Christmas.

  I've been trying to figure myself something to do AWAY FROM HOME.

  Reason being is that my son in law is a dumbass & my daughter is following the leader.

 

  I don't like my house since my wife passed,mostly because of the Son in law & my daughter living here.

  It's the 3rd wheel syndrome & I never really did well as a third wheel, I'd MUCH rather be alone.

 

  Because of physical pain, I can only travel so far but I've been mapping trips to a casino or something.

    I don't wanna be stuck here,with these 22 year old inconsiderate ass's.

 

  Thanksgiving was a simple way of testing things this year for me, I watched this young couple goto my late wife's relatives houses for Thanksgiving without me, it hurt enough that IM DONE with them,I'll not pretend any longer.

 

[MauiMermaid]

Thanks for starting this thread. There is comfort in knowing we aren't alone in our thoughts and journeys.

 

The holiday season is particularly painful for me... Christmas itself, his birthday and the month of December being his last month here with me. Year 3 and still no tree or real decorations. I just can't. The only progress has been I can listen to holiday music and not completely break down. Other than that, I've been consumed with tears thinking about it all. This used to be my favorite time of year but I just can't get past the heavy weight of not having him here. Grateful for the 22 wonderful years of holiday memories. Hope there comes a time when I can celebrate that and not feel so terribly lonely.

 

(((Hugs to everyone)))

[Trying]

This is my third Christmas without Tim. I still miss him every day but I don't feel that acute pain I did the last 2 years.  This is the first year I am not hanging up his stocking and the decision feels right.  We are in a new house which helps, his stocking never hung from this mantle.  I still put out his extensive Santa collection which also feels very right.  Tomorrow we will decorate the tree when my son gets home from college and I'm sure some of the ornaments we collected over the years will give me a few twinges of sadness but I'm not dreading it like the past 2 years.  For me, moving has been such an important step and I think the timing was very good, just before the 2 year mark.  In our old house I felt the need to keep everything the same as it was when he was with us, same traditions, everything in the same place.  If I wanted to do something different it felt like a betrayal, if I couldn't do everything he did I grieved more strongly, when we kept everything the same all I could focus on was him missing from the picture.  I know many people feel comfort staying in the home they shared with their love but that just wasn't true for me.  I still feel overwhelmed by doing it all on my own but I am putting less pressure on myself and setting new standards.

 

Wishing everyone a little peace during this holiday season, may we all give ourselves permission to let the holidays be whatever they are for us, good, bad, or indifferent.

[ieh21]

When the loss first occurs, we hang on to the thought that time passing will dampen the extreme pain. But we don't really believe it and we're not really ready to let got of it. And then, well time passes and when enough of it has passed, we realise that yes, the pain has dampened and time passing has indeed done its work.

It's amazing and I'm so glad it's working for so many of us. Happy Christmas!